Addictions Deception

[KadoInCO]

So here it goez, here is my story of addiction and how it has/is affecting my so called life. Just like any addict it started out inoccently enough a pill here, a bowl there a bump over there. But out of it all nothing gave me the comfort like pills/opiates. The feeling of all your pain drowning away with just little pill. Sound 2 good to be true? Well because it is, yes there is great comfort, happiness, good times, almost orgasmic existince. But like yin and yang there comes another side to all this. When the drugs are gone and the money is used up all your left with is your once former self before these pills chewed u up and swallowed you. Almost a shell of your former self. Im still a good person, despise liers, dont do people wrong, never ****** over a friend, i have compassion, empathy and a heart that barley fits in my chest. But in the real world this matters to very few, actually to most its taken as weakness. But when i look in the mirror i know all those good things are still there but im addicted to opiates plain and simple. No need in going into the hardships that got me using heavaly to drown out emotional pain but that is what ultimitly got me over the edge. Then it was the fact i got deathly ill if i didnt have it, i didnt even get high anymore, just maintained myself from being sick, i guess from a disturbed point of view you could call that comfort. The funny thing is this little joyride has been more of a hellride, for 3/4 my addiction ive wanted to quit. I started when i was 16 and now im turning 24, listen to me when i tell you this:ADDICTION IS EVIL and cares nothing about you or your emotions or your life, all it cares about is its selfish need to be fed. This has been the hardest battle of my life and im fighting it with everything ive got but somehow i always end up in second place. My friends and family are sick of seeing me do this to myself as well as i. But the addiction dosent care about me wanting to quit or my friends or family views on me. Truley in the bottom of my heart all i want to do is make my family proud, to be proud of myself, to conquor this addiction and lead a good life. But time after time i try and try only to come up empty handed. I dont know where im going wrong, i mean **** i went to rehab in cali, clean for a month, first week home, RELAPSE!! This has made me feel like the biggest failure to myself and everyone around me, to the point where death feels like the only comfort now. But no i wake up every day and fight this deamon but i feel like im losing. Its taken everything from me except my pride but even that is tarnished for the fact that im loosing a battle to a ****** pill. Unless you have been there you have no idea how hard it is or how horrible withdraw is and the cravings that follow. And when you swallow that pill along with comfort you also feel the guilt for letting yourself and your family and friends down which is the last thing you want to do. Im so ashamed of myself that i have let something so small yet so strong control me for years. I dont know what true independence means because in the back of my mind i have that need not want but need to maintain a certian level of opiates in my system or i start having with withdraw symptoms which are hellish i mean just the Migraines is enough to make u want to die. Anyway dont worry i havent given up yet but i do feel the end is near, homefully that is the end of this addiction. If anyone is reading this that i have hurt durring this process i am truley sorry and can promise you it wont happen again. If your reading this and going through this same stuggle, stay stong you can beat this. To anyone who has seen me as a boring guy that just sits there with his eyes half closed not saying more then a couple words a minute well i hate to tell ya but thats not me, that was one thing that stuck out in rehab. For once most everyone liked me and i was told i had a good personality, which was weird to look in the mirror and feel good about yourself and what you doing while having cravings at the same time, its like a catch 22 but i tried to use it to my advantage by thinking to myself "Do u really want to give everything up for that? Your mind, body, self-respect and the respect of others? Do you want to throw away all this hard work" Well obviously the answer is no. But someway someday somehow you end up in a stressfull situation with your favorite situation solver near by. The first pill i took when i got out of rehab felt like it was 3/4 extra strength guilt. I didnt even get high but deep down i felt like i rerouted the track back to failure and into letting deamon beat me. I held out for a week or so after that, then again gave in to myself. I do mean well, i am a good person, i will beat this, the next time you see me i will hopefully be me and not the out of it former self. Everyone has struggles, just take them day by dad and dont give up, hold your head high, your beautifull just the way you are, and i have faith you will conquor the struggles in your life and be well. To the few true friends thank you, i wouldnt even be here today if it wasnt for your kind, empathetic and understanding words with advice placed but not in an offending or intruding way andif it was then it was probaly deserved, i wouldnt be where i am without you.
~~~Cade/Kado~~~

[KadoInCO]

Thank you i appriciate your comments, im just taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best. Feel free to share your own stories, if i can put it all out there, u can 2.

[broknbck]

i know exactly where you are. and yea, it *****! at least you are recognizing that you are a perfectly good person all on your own, without any drugs. it is just getting away from them, right?
well, i struggled for like 2 years trying to quit the opiates too. mostly just taking it to keep from withdrawls. hah- didn't work for pain anymore. so i came to realize the only way i could do it was to move away from everyone and everthing i knew and start a new life. i moved 2,000 miles away by myself without knowing a single soul out here and quit. and i have had no desire to ever take a pill again. of course i still keep in contact with everyone and i visit, they visit. but it is a new life and good. without drugs. it has only been 10 months since i quit and still probably too soon to go back and well i really like my new life anyways.
i always tell my new friends about the addiction i had. mostly because i don't want to ever see them fall into it and yea, lets face it . it is a big part of my life.

i wish you all the best in finding a way out of that hell. just wanted to let you know how i did it.

[flutter0301]

Great Post!!

This pretty much describes the thoughts and feelings I have every other day or even every other hour.  (depending on the day!!)  Thank you for putting my thoughts down.  

[avisg]

Rehab works if you want it to ,it doesn't if you don't want it to .Huge part of recovery is taking responsibility for your addiction and recovery. Rehab offers you a foundation to recovery its up to you whether you except it or not.

[NautyOne]

Hey BigShawtie !!

I think that saying that "Rehab Doesn't work" and "we all know that" is a pretty unfair statement---assuming that "we" all believe that, cuz weez dunt all beweave dat?  But, litta shawtie still loves ja anyway !!!

Nauty.........aka "littashawtie".........:-)))

[fengirl09]

Please know that you are not alone in how you are feeling right now. I have been right there in that same spot too. You can overcome and destroy this demon. I too was (am) addicted to opiates, my DOC is fentanyl and it was hell to detox from and it's a fight everyday to stay clean. Everyday clean is one more day into my future and one more day back to my true self. I really hate it when people get preachy so I'm gonna try to not do that, but please know you have the strength to beat this thing with alot of hard work and there is a ton of support here for you if you need it and want it. I know you can do it and will be the winner in the end. Stay strong and keep posting. Much luck and much love to ya.
Vickie

[newmanagment]

great post, and ya may not think it, but you pretty much sum up everyone on here. pride is a funny thing, as addicts we tend to keep lowering it, until there is none left.
but one thing i can say bro,quit beatin ya *** ova the past. put tha **** behind ya, and move on for today. rehabs fail, we all know that. It has to be IN you to quit, and it took me all of wut you described to decide a lil rock wasnt gonna  run my life. keep at the fight bro, setbacks are not failures. as long as you continue to fight, and don revel in your addiction, you can continue to move forward. I hope ya come thru, as it is nice to be able to go to the store, work, or club , and not have the worries of using.