20888299 tn?1570252118

Am I doomed?


Am I doomed?

I am absolutely terrified. I have been adamant about going to AA for months but can't get more than 3 weeks clean because I am stuck on Adderral. It gives me a euphoric effect and this is always what leads me to pick back up alcohol or drugs. I obsess over it. Take it on an empty stomach with a Tums and caffeine to try to maximize any effect while also trying not to abuse it :(

Why don't I just stop taking it?

Extremely complicated and unique situation.

Prescribed it for ADHD but that's not the problem.

TERRIFIED. I am naturally obese. Ever since I was a child. Both my parents died super morbid obese. This is my 4th time on Adderral. Twice as a teenager and once in my early 20s I always lost tons of weight on Adderral and had rapid and extreme weight gain when taken off. They took me off when I was 22 and at the age of 30 I was 350 pounds.

So I had gastric bypass surgery. I was rapidly losing weight and I had sober time as a dry drunk. I would have gotten stuck around 200 pounds and been fine. BUT THIS HORRIBLE PSYCHIATRIST PRESCRIBED ME ADDERRAL!! The idiot addict in me took it and started drinking and getting high again. I am a normal 140 pounds right now but I can't stay sober if I have to take this Adderral.

Such an addict that my boyfriend has to administer me one pill a day because otherwise I will just abuse them. When I don't take the Adderral I have extreme sharp hunger pains like I have never heard anyone describe. I am hunched over  grabbing my stomach suffering! Plus on top of that the desire to compulsively binge eat aside from the physical discomfort. I can't fit a lot in my stomach because of the surgery but I eat every 30 minutes and would quickly undo my surgery by stretching my stomach back out. I could set a world record for fastest weight gain.  My metabolism is destroyed from going all day without eating and only eating small portions for years. When I try to stop the Adderral I gained 2 pounds a day without it.

My fate without the Adderrall would be much worse than the 350 pounds I was before. At least then I could binge eat and be okay for the night. But now I have hunger pains and food obsession so much worse than my morbidly obese days if I dont have the Adderrall.

I have been going to Alcoholics Anonymous reguarly for a long time. I work the program hard but can never stay sober long. I realize now I will never be able to do it if I have to take the Adderral.

My fate without the Adderrall seems worse than jails, institutions and death from addiction though. The only hope I have is for this medication called Vyvanse. It is an amphetamine for ADHD just like Adderral but it also treats Binge Eating Disorder. I have a lot of food issues but I really meet the criteria for that disorder but people have very positive reports on how it helps them with compulsive eating. I have no insurance and with a discount card the Vyvanse costs $300 month but I am just going to pay it.

IF my psychiatrist will give it to me which I think he will. This is a different psychiatrist from the original one that prescribed me the Adderrall even though he knew I was an addict. That psychiatrist was so messed up for doing this to me. But now I am afraid to be honest about my addiction with the new one because he might refuse to prescribe me any medicine that has a potentional for abuse an then my fate is sealed.

I have an appointment next week and am going to ask for the Vyvanse. FEEDBACK PLEASE?

Am I doomed?
4 Responses
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15242955 tn?1534438461
I agree wholeheartedly with my-mayberry.    
Helpful - 0
1135275 tn?1586565652
"Am I doomed?"

...no, my friend. You are not doomed. I think it would make things harder to see yourself as doomed. Addiction is not an easy thing to live with, but there are times where it is easier than others and quality of life goes up. There are other times where we need to pay closer attention to our triggers and our habits. While I don't have a lot of experience with amphetamines, I do have experience with alcohol and other drugs that produce an effect like alcohol. I really think if you are having periods of clean time, it is worthwhile to celebrate that clean time and focus on expanding it a little at a time. 3 weeks is longer than 2 weeks; 3 weeks and 1 day is longer than 3 weeks! I'd say because there's so much layered into your use, it would be ideal to have a therapist and psychiatrist with whom you feel comfortable and confident to walk alongside you during this journey. I'm not sure if you have that currently or not, but I do think it's important not to believe you are doomed. Keep reaching out! There's definitely hope. :)
Helpful - 0
Beautifully said.  thank you.
18524847 tn?1465595901
Ahhhh, sweetie.  My heart aches for you.  You are in a really rough spot.  I get the full picture.  There is so much going on.  I understand the fear of gaining weight as that is not just to 'look good' but your health. And your time you put into having surgery and losing weight.  And the good side of Adderall.  Where it is helping you.  It doesn't matter if you were diagnosed with ADD in the past because here we are today. It doesn't sound like you are using it for ADD, are you?  Or maybe you are.  That would be good to clear up when you are discussing Vivanse.  And if I'm understanding you correctly, using Adderall makes you crave and use other things.  Correct?  I have heard that Vivanse is less likely to be abused than Adderall.  But has as much dependence and similar effects.  Is the hope that you would be able to control the weight (and ADD) but without the urge to drink/drug?  Valid concern.  

Come back and talk to us and remember that this is anonymous and you can speak freely.  I want to get to know you and talk.
Helpful - 0
Rachel. There is so much love and care reaching out to you right now.  I hope you come back and let us talk with you.  I hope you are doing alright.  Lots of people care and understand.  Come back, hon.
Avatar universal
First question:  do you actually have ADHD?  This is one of the most abused diagnoses around, which doesn't mean people don't actually have it, it means a lot of people who have it aren't diagnosed with it and most who are diagnosed with it don't have it.  So have you been diagnosed for this lately?  So there's that, because if you don't have that disease, the only reason you take speed is because you like what it does for you, which seems mostly in your case to be weight related but you also mention the euphoria.  It's very hard to stop getting stoned.  Being stoned is really fun until it's not, and when you quit you miss being stoned.  You have to learn again how to reach high levels of pleasure without using drugs and, in your case, food.  That takes spiritual work, and I don't mean religion, I mean lifestyle changes that also bring euphoria, such as meditation, exercise, travel, adventure, work you're passionate about -- and it's really really hard to do these things and not do the other things.  Nobody here can make it easy for you to do this because nobody has figured out how to make it easy to stop doing things that are really pleasurable even when they're no longer pleasant.  Now, second, just switching from one form of speed to another doesn't seem like a solution to your problem -- amphetamines are amphetamines.  The only way I know to fix this kind of thing without medication is therapy, and that's going to take a lot of work with no guarantee of success and no quick payoff like you get from medication.  I also think calling Binge Eating Disorder a thing is useful for whether insurance will cover it or whether a pharmaceutical company can get a patent to sell you a drug to treat it, but labeling yourself doesn't fix anything.  You started binging for some reason -- for most of us it's another way to get high, to avoid thing that bother us, all kinds of reasons, but it's the way you're dealing with feeling unhappy that leads us to do these kinds of things no matter what we might call them.  If you can alter the way you approach life you'll have less impulse to avoid it by using drugs or overeating or overexercising or overworking and all the other things people do because life is hard and gets the better of how we think about it.  We can all give you warm thoughts and best wishes, but the only thing that is going to fix this pattern is for you to stop thinking the way you're thinking.  And that's really hard to do.  It's why so many of us end up on medication, which cures nothing in the emotional disorder world but allows us to have a life.  
Helpful - 0
Forgot the most important part -- although many of us never found the way out, a whole lot of people have.  Therapy does work for many.  Lifestyle changes do work for many.  There are a lot of people out there who did fix things.  So no, you're not doomed until you die without having gotten better and you're a long way away from that.
Even though the commenter didn't come back, your answer was excellent, Paxiled.
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