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565805 tn?1216663135

Am I fighting a battle with my pill addicted boyfriend that I will never win?

I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months now. When we met I knew he smoked pot here & there, but it wasn't until this past April did I know he was into pain pills & possibly heroin. I found him on the couch at his brothers house slouched over turning purple, sweating & gasping for air. It was the scariest thing i've ever been through. I called 911 & the paramedics gave him Narcan & he came back. Had I not shown up when I did, he would've died. I remember being at the hospital with him & asking him "what did you take?" and he said nothing. Even to the doctors he was denying it. I remember the nurse pulling me aside saying this guy has a problem, you need to get out of this relationship. But did I? No, I thought I could "fix" it. Make him want to quit. A month after the overdose, he was arrested for possession & picking up false prescriptions. He called me from jail begging me to get him out. I was strong for 10 days and let him sit in there, then gave in & put out alot of money & bailed him out. I let him move in with me since I wanted us to start a new life together & I live about an hour away from all of his "connections". Well I should've known it wouldn't last. A few weeks went by & he started getting restless, I tried to help him find a job, live a normal life, etc. But he just got irrittable, mean, distant & cold. We had visited his brother whom he lived with before moving in with me quite a bit during this time. Well last week we were out in his hometown & he wanted to go visit his friend whom has cancer, so I waited in the car while he ran up there to say hello. About 40 minutes goes by & he comes out totally under the influence. He can barely speak, hold his head up, you know the drill. I'm driving home praying he's not going to go unconcious as his breathing patterns were up and down. He tells me he took dilaudid, which i've done some reading on, and is the pharmceutical heroin. A few days after this incident he moved back in with his brother, back to the same area. I went & visited him the other day & when he was in the bathroom I checked his phone & found text messages to his cancer friend asking him if he had any "dogfood". I looked this up online & it says it's slang for heroin. I'm absolutely devastated, mad, hurt, betrayed, worried. I know I should walk away, but after what we've been through these past few months, I can't bear the thought of not knowing how he's doing. He had a bad childhood & has never really had anyone be there for him. I know I am not superwoman, he can only save himself.  This is killing my spirit, I can't eat or sleep. He's almost died & was arrested and is facing 3 felonies & may go to jail & it still doesn't matter. Sorry for the novel, but just wanted you all to know the whole story. Your thoughts, advice, anything is appreciated. Thank you.
15 Responses
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541953 tn?1262586226
Unfortunately, I have learned at this site that no matter what you do or say to save them, they have to want to be saved. You are only exhaust yourself and making your life miserable... My son is an addict and I can " do hard love" now that I have talked to my friends here.. if you can't let him go, tell him you will only talk to him or see him when he is clean. if he loves you, he will try..don't wear yourself out..be strong. If you need to talk I am here for you.

God Bless
Karen
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Of course you're relieved!!  You can love and support him from a distance, you shouldn't have to put your life on hold to help him fix his.  Seeing a couselor would really help you decide the best way to handle this.  Good luck with this, and take care of yourself first and foremost!!
Helpful - 0
565805 tn?1216663135
Your advice and thoughts are so appreciated, thank you. I have been thinking of going to a counselor for me and I am going to try to ask him to go. But I know I need to go and talk to someone about this and deal with my issues why I am involved with someone like this. You are right about it being a full time job, it's exhausting mentally, physically, and emotionally. I hate to say it, but part of me is kind of relieved he's not living here anymore, but I still love him and want to try and be supportive, but when he was here, I couldn't get anything accomplished for myself because I was totally consumed in our relationship or should I say his relationship with pills.
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Avatar universal
He has to get to the root of his addiction. His addiction is not the true issue...it is merely a result of his deeper issue. Encourage him to tap into this area. He will resist at first, but eventually will start to mine away at his mind. He will discover many areas of his life that I would guess has caused him much pain that has never been dealt with. This is the core of his addiction...or at least that is what I beleive to be true. Please do not try to assume the roll as his psychologist. Encourage him to seek a counselor to explore these areas with him. It will overwhelm you to do it yourself. They do not have an emotional connection with him so they will be coming at it from a different angle. Please remember you can only lead a horse to water, but you cannot make the horse drink.  Not trying to say your boyfriend is a horse of course!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I wish I had something positive to tell you, but what's going on now will only get worse.  It might be a good idea for you to find a counselor for you to talk to...  It's a full time job dealing with an addict and it will take all the energy you have plus more.  Maybe suggest that you go to counseling together, that way you'll have a mediator to help you express how you're feeling.
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Avatar universal
Unfortunately, he will most likely continue to be edgy and irritable.  That comes with the territory...  Like I said before, all addicts react differently - but if you're determined to make the relationship work, you'll have to talk to him no matter what.  It won't be easy, and you'll have to grow a thick skin.  Just remember that he has to want to get clean, and if he doesn't, there's nothing you can do.  Like sab805 said - he's consumed by a substance, tell him how you feel, what you want/expect, and set boundaries with him.
Helpful - 0
565805 tn?1216663135
You are right, I know he is mad at himself, but I know he doesn't want to feel and deal with his issues, that's why he's numbing it out with the pills. I keep telling myself to not take his behavior personally. He has never been a super affectionate, sensitive person when I met him, but the affection & love he does have for me. He's like a scared little boy afraid to show emotion, he holds it all in. I look at him and it breaks my heart that he doesn't see in him what I see. He has so much potential. I want to go out and see him so bad, but i'm not going to because I know what will happen, I will wind up giving him money & enabling him. I miss him being here with me, but not like it was the past few weeks. We were arguing all the time, or barely speaking at all, so in a sense I was alone anyway.
Helpful - 0
352798 tn?1399298154
Tough love. Boundaries may well be needed. That doesn't mean you don't love him. It is because you love him and yourself that those boundaries are needed. You can only allow so much. I am sure those boundaries will be tested too. Count on it! Just don't budge past them.
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Avatar universal
Understand he is mad at himself. He is going through a rash of emotions. I am sure he knows (whether or not he is saying it) what this is doing to you. But also understand that when they take these pills it numbs them and leaves them void of all emotion. He is not a monster, he is now physically addicted to pills. I am by no way excusing his actions, but rather I understand what these chemicals do. Please do not internalize his silence as anything you are doing or haven't done...he is lost in this and consumed by a substance at the moment.
Helpful - 0
565805 tn?1216663135
I do need to talk to him, it's like walking on eggshells with him. I'm afraid to say the wrong thing as he is super edgy right now. I just called him a bit ago to say hi and he was just sitting there on the phone not saying anything. He's irritable because he doesn't have any money to get any pills. I don't know when is the right time to try and talk to him because he's defensive about everything whether he's sober or not.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Nice one...could not have said it better myself. I do like the boundary idea...it is not an ultimatum just a suggestion of thought if you will.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You're right he has to save himself! It's exhausting being in a relationship with an addict, and you have to know when to walk away.  You need to do is set boundaries with him.  Let him know that you love him and want to help him, but there's only so much you're willing to handle.  All addicts react differently, but you could try talking with him about going to detox or addiction counseling.  For me, addiction had to rob me of basically everything more than once before I got clean. He has to WANT to get clean so don't beat yourself up if he doesn't listen.  Stay strong...
Helpful - 0
352798 tn?1399298154
I was hoping you would chime in.
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Avatar universal
Ok...if you read my posts you will find that I am not an addict but have been and am in the same situation you are. Albeit on different terms, I can share with you what I have learned as it seems we are similiar in our wanting to "fix things". Please, as hard as it is to come to terms with it, please know you, nor anyone else can fix your boyfriend. You will go absolutely mad and be filled with anxiety, hurt and sadness if you continue on the path you are in. You must not let yourself be scared emotionally for someone elses afflictions. You can be supportive but please try to distance yourself from the boyfriend that I am sure you love and the addict you loathe. It is truly two different people. Please, from someone that just ended a 12 year marriage over drug addiction, please do not destroy yourself by thinking you can do anything to help him. I encourage you to read my previous post and try to gain what it has done to me. It has left me angry, resentful, scared, worried, hopeless and just about every other emotion you can think of. You have done the right thing by coming to this source...I wish I found it years agol.
Know that your boyfriend does love you but it will never be enough as long as he continues his relationship with drugs.  Please take care and know you can chat with me if you should so desire.
Helpful - 0
352798 tn?1399298154
   First of all, an addict has to be the one who wants to change. They need to want it more than they want drugs or they will NOT get free. You can not change him. I cannot tell you to not be with him, but do get some counseling. Go to al-anon. Ask questions here. Stick around for at least a week, more is better. There are many here that have kicked heroin but I have to say. It is a rough ride and hard to get off of. This is a weekend, so there are not as many here right now as there will be on Monday.

"When your desire to get clean, is stronger than your desire to use. Then, you will get clean"  GTMI
Helpful - 0
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