Ashamed

[jc1002]

Good morning!

Im back....  and ashamed that this fighter lost his fight.  So many of you lended your hand to help me get off the vics and guess what I was over 30 days clean and I thought just one pill on a friday night to ease some emotional problems wouldnt be that bad.  Well, a month later I found out differently.  So here I am fighting this once again.  Feeling horrible, ashamed and a depressed mess.  I know that the issue comes from a very lonely home life.  I have a live in GF in which I always feel alone and unwanted.  No excuse for taking pills, but when you are that low, you dont really care.  You just want the lonliness to go away.  So now I am trying to go about this a little differently.  I am going to care less about the relationship and focus more on me.  My last full pill was monday afternoon.  I took a half vic yesterday because I felt so terrible that something had to help.  

So for the homelife, I have enlisted the help of a couples therapist to see if there is any hope.  If not, she and her kids that I am taking care of will be free to find another idiot that will drop everything and take care of them..  :-)  Sorry for the sarcasim...  Just that I give everything  emotionally and get nothing from her in return.....  Killing me.  I worry myself every day all day and all night about it.  

Thanks for listening and sorry to everyone that I let down!

JC

[jc1002]

Thanks Dixie.

You gave me alot of good information and lots to think about.  As you can tell she has really messed up my head into thinking its all me.  Im on day 3 again, and since I was only on for a couple weeks after a 40 day off, hopefully the SE's wont be near as bad.  But thinking that one pill will make you feel better, and you wont take another just doesnt work.

jc

[Dixiechick72]

Ok gave u lots of info to help u and hope sink u. The biggest problem is ur still in the same situation that got u back here again. I've shared my point of view with u on how to handle the situation.  U are strong and u can do this. As painful as it may be we have to cut the bad out so we can finally see the good in life... The gf keeps beating u down with these issues and ur not doing anything wrong. Truly think about what I told u. Let it sink in and then think about taking that next step. If u don't get out of this situation you will continue down this path of deconstruction and u are better then that.  I'm holding my hand out to u. Just grab it and hold on and lets get u through this together ok!

[Dixiechick72]

Hey jc. Got ur email. I'm responding to u now. Hang in there I've got a lot to say to u!!!;)

[dominosarah]

Your not bad at all.  I just can relate to what you are feeling~

[jc1002]

You can tell Im that bad by the post?  :-)  thats pretty good!  

JC

[dominosarah]

You never fail as long as you keep trying.  Get back to seeing that therapist.  Your self confidence is in the pits. You dont deserve to live in a mental hell so make today the first day of your life~

[jc1002]

Thanks to both of you for your support.  I know that this all goes back to me not being able to forgive myself for ruining my marriage 6 years ago.  It seems I have the need to get into relationships where I constatly feel hurt and unloved, kinda like a punishment for me.  So in my current relationship, I do so much and appear needy to her, because I just want to feel wanted and loved.  I guess that pushes women away.  So needless to say that sends me into a mental hell, feeling sorry for myself, therefore I can take a pill right.  Makes me feel better.  I dont know how to forgive myself.  One I do that maybe things will start to work out.  I know this has nothing to do with taking these stupid things, but other than you I have no one to talk to.  I do see a therapist every once in a while, but I dont think we have ever dug into why I am this way.  I feel like I am being selfish for wanting affection.........  ughhh..

Hit me Dixie!  lol  I feel like a failure relapsing....  I am so strong willed....

[dominosarah]

The important thing is you are getting back on track.  You mentioned putting you first.......You gotta get rid of your supplier(s) as it makes it to easy to get.  Pills give us a false sense of security and are not for emotional pain.  Have you thought about recovery care for you?  We have to learn to love ourselves before we can love someone else.  We are in the drivers seat of our own happiness.

[Dixiechick72]

Hey mister. Long time no hear!!! I'm still here for u my friend. I sent u my email to talk to me. We can get u through this!!!  Ok!!  And for those of u who remember me... 115 days sober and counting!!!:))  woo hoo.
Jc some of us lose this battle but ur here fighting again so I'm proud of u for that!! Let's pick up the pieces and move on ok!!! Stay strong. Got my 2x4 ready for ya!!!! Big hugs!!!