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3176864 tn?1391555073

Back after a few month relapse

Hi guys,

Just needed to come vent and start getting involved in the community again.  I am on day 2.  I do not feel awful, but don't feel good.  Waiting for the fog to lift over the next week.  I quit going to to therapy, quit church, started chasing pills around.  Before I cut off my main source, funny how as an addict we can always find another if we really want it.

Well I am hopeful it sticks this time.  I have some more help in my corner.  Just pray I can make it through today clean and will take it day by day from there.
13 Responses
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3517260 tn?1388877193
   Sup vida.....Im glad you started a thread
takes [email protected] to come back and admit you relapsed.Something I have yet to do....I think we know what we gotta do....time to put things in motion and make it happen.Its time to get on with our lives .....CLEAN!!!!
Helpful - 0
4810126 tn?1503942735
Hi & Welcome back! A big Congrats to you on day 2!

Your first  & last posts above really resonated with me in three respects: when you mentioned dropping therapy & church, resulting in a pill 'run', when you said that you have a hard time reaching out for help & finally, when you talked about the death of your brother, stress, etc. and masking emotions.

Boy, can I ever relate. Dropping those pieces of your recovery 'framework' that kept you in check sounds familiar. I have to force myself almost everyday to do some of the things that are positive for me. It's so insidious how it works! That 'black dog' comes whispering that it's okay to miss just one Yoga class or your therapy session. I mean, other folks do, right? After one miss, the dam opens and a trickle starts. Ten days later you tell yourself it's okay to miss again. The hole widens and the excuses and laxness start to stream out. You drop your shield, sword & armor piece by piece in a trail -- 'purposely unaware'. Soon, the dam breaks and we're off and running.

Not reaching out..Whew! I know that one, too. I'm still working on this bit. I tend to not reach out until there's a real crisis. I think the trick is to reach out before it reaches this stage because the stress is debilitating. MH friends are the first and only people I've ever been able to reach out to with any success. I've found that when things are difficult, journaling here, really helps. I've also found that expressing your feelings on your status -- however you may do it, is effective. I think that it's not so much about  pride, necessarily, that stops us from reaching out but a woundedness -- a guardedness (at least it is with me.) Which leads me to your third point:

Undigested/masked emotions! I was shocked to discover when I came off of 30 + years of H & Methadone that I hadn't truly been 'experiencing' life -- that I didn't even 'know' me! I thought I had it made until about half way through my fourth month when all of these rough, rough emotions, stresses, etc. bubbled up to the surface in a constant surge. I realized finally, that I was experiencing every negative emotion & undigested grief that I'd kept at arms length during my usage. I understand now that, more than any other piece in my recovery, learning to sit in my own skin & not run from this stuff is the key to success. Running from them was the reason I started to begin with. I have to not let myself get buffeted about like a tissue in the wind by these things. I can sit and breathe through it. I will have bad days just like everyone else in the world. I know now that it's okay to feel these things. I know that they're not me -- they're just coming 'through' me and will pass. I used to believe that the pressure that would build up would 'force' me to use. It's not true. Or, rather, I should say, it doesn't HAVE to be true. I choose to sit with these feelings most of the time these days. Every time I do it successfully, I feel stronger.

Just wanted to say: 'Hey, I'm with you, here...I hear you'. Once again, PorVida, Welcome back. I wish you all the Clarity, Determination & Guard Up you'll need to make this one stick!  
Helpful - 0
1970885 tn?1435860428
One thing that all of us forget when we are using - the high you get from pills only last for an hour or two. We talk about numbing the pain, dealing with a bad relationship or a stressful job; what we forget is that the pills work for a very limited amount of time, then we're left with the original problem, plus a big side order of guild or anxiety or panic, or all three. Ain't no way to live.
K
Helpful - 0
5347058 tn?1381188426
I understand the having a hard time asking for help. We really do have to reach out for help though. DO you have someone that you trust that can kind of keep an eye on you? What about getting a sponsor in NA/AA? Have you tried that? Even if you have someone that you can call when times get rough and those cravings start to call. We are here for you too. I've seen a lot of folks post when they are thinking about using. For some people that is not enough though. I'm glad that you cut off your source. It sounds like you learned from the relapse and are making changes to ensure success this time. That is wonderful!
Helpful - 0
3176864 tn?1391555073
I do need someone to keep an eye on me.  I told the new source I found that I was going clean and never to give them to me again.  My biggest issue is asking for help, it has always been my biggest issue and likely why I found myself an addict.  After my brother died 5 years ago, I never looked for help from anyone with my feelings and found that the pills were an easy way out to numb the pain, eventually it turned into using pills for everything from work stress, home stress, you name it.  
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
Welcome back!!!  When I saw your new tracker going yesterday...I smiled~

We have to make mistakes to gain experience....and we gain experience by making mistakes.

Sounds like "asking for help" is the key for you.  It humbles us, yes...but when the cravings come (and they will)....we have to force ourselves to following a NEW path.....rather than walk down the old one.

You can do it......you have ALL the tools in your toolbox...now it's time to use them~

So glad to have you back!
Helpful - 0
1970885 tn?1435860428
P.S. - When we decide to get clean, we are all at least semi-honest with ourselves. I think that we just don't give enough credit to the power that our addiction holds over us. So, like I said before, you need to tell your resources exactly what you look for as a pill source, and what behaviors that they need to look for in you.  My mother in law had hip replacement surgery a few months ago. My wife knew what was going on in my head, and thus I was not able to visit my mother in law alone; when I did I could not go in to her room. My wife counted her pills when we arrived for a visit and then again just before we left.  And she'd ask if I'd been to visit without her. Yes I know - extreme, but, at least for now, I HAVE to have this kind of support. I'm 17 months clean and still will not take my addicts mind for granted.
K
Helpful - 0
5347058 tn?1381188426
I think that Kyle has a very good point. Unfortunately theses pills are everywhere. If we want them enough we will be able to find them somewhere eventually. Having a good, trusted person to call you out on your behavior can mean the difference between taking the time to think it through or relapsing.  I'm glad that you are back here and trying to do this again. Good luck to you!
Helpful - 0
1970885 tn?1435860428
When you say track down pills, does that mean dealers? Friends?
I used to steal from anyone who had any kind of pain meds. I considered anyone who'd just had surgery or major dental work a pharmacy; I'd show up, pretend that I was there to help, and then take as many pills as I could.
I told these people when I got clean; I told my wife about all of my potential sources, so she's aware and helps. Sounds like you could use someone you can trust to keep an eye on you.
K
Helpful - 0
3176864 tn?1391555073
Ive thought alot about what i am going to do different.  Telling my family, therapy and meetings were not enough.  This time I need to be honest with myself.  I am the only one who controls whether or not I shove another pill down my throat.  Instead of getting a week or 2 then tracking down some pills when I have a craving this time, I am going to reach out to my resources for help.  I never did until it was too late
Helpful - 0
1970885 tn?1435860428
Welcome back. What are you doing different this time?
K
Helpful - 0
1742220 tn?1331356727
Vida it's so good to see you here!  honestly I was going to leave you a note last nite and fell asleep ... I was wondering how you've been!  welcome back and you know we are here to support you. pick up the threads of all the good work you were doing and the places you found support and do it one more time.  great that you are trying again!  here for you
Helpful - 0
1810386 tn?1405549577
Keep up the Great work and don't let past get you down.

I too am finally getting clean after a long replase just over a week clean.

You may need to try doing things differently or keep at what was working for you, keep in touch either way.

  
Helpful - 0
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