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Bad News...

Hey yall its been about a week since I posted. I wish I had good news but unfortunately I do not. Someone very close to me had a heart attack about 6 days ago & I am not taking it too well. If you have followed my story then you know this has been a very rough year w/ the death of two of my best friends. This happened right as I was started to feel normal again mentally. (Like 30 or 30+ days clean) I thought handling stuff sober that life threw my way  would be doable and I felt like I was on top of the world, then this hit! I made it through the first two days without using but then I snapped. I have taken about 60MG of hydrocodone over the last 3 days which isnt much but the guilt of using is killing me. My biggest fear of staying clean was something tragic happening in the first few months of my sobriety and it did. I never really been depressed or had anxiety so when I got hit with my first panic attack I didnt know what to do. My buddy offered me a xanax but I declined that and instead the opiates were calling and I answered. So now I have this huge feeling of guilt or disappointment on top of the heart attack. I have been at the hospital or work all week or I would have posted sooner. Anyways, tomorrow starts a new day and I am going to start back over & learn how to deal with this sober. I'd appreciate any advice on things you can do to handle a situation like this early on in your sobriety. Going to a meeting or seeing a counselor is not an option. I think you all know how much I appreciate this site but I really do not need the you must go to a meeting or have a counselor speech. I am looking for some input on things that yall did to deal with anxiety like breathing exersizes, working out etc...I will say I am still proud of myself b/c I made it 30 days without using for the first time since I started using years ago & know I can beat this, It's just my worse fear hit. God really likes to challenge us and I keep telling myself things happen for a reason.
16 Responses
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1402969 tn?1324690560
I am sorry to hear about your friend and I hope they pull through ok. All I can say is that you realize what you did and you don't want to do that again. I know you are doing good and want to stay that way. I wish you the best and hope you work through this.
Helpful - 0
1444453 tn?1287103137
Aftercare is not the only answer to staying clean - I have had addiction issues my entire life and had been through counselling, gone to AA meetings andd group meetings.  Still I continue to trade on addiction for another.  It can be dangerous if we enter into aftercare thinking that this will now be the answer to our problems and that this will now give us all the tools we need to stay clean and sober.  It is NOT - it still must come from within each and every one of us.  The first thing we must all be able to answer the question is "Do I want to stay sober?" If we are not able to honestly say yes to that question than any amount of treatment or aftercare will also be useless.  We can ALL make the decision to use or not to use at any point in our journeys - I too am choosing not to go into aftercare.  For me, association is the biggest trigger and I know this.  That is the key to remaining clean - find what your triggers are and do your best to eliminate the possible risks related.  Sometimes it will take us a few tries to get it right.  I tried quitting smoking 6 times before it finally stuck - maybe some of us just need more time to come to terms with our addictions.  We are all different in our bodies, minds and emotions - we will all react differently to any given situation.

Sorry to hear about your friend - my prayers are with you and him/her.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm so sorry about your friend. i also lost a friend to an overdose back in 1996, andI was hard, but my feet had already been burned by losing my firstborn Son, and he was 22. Every loss has been hard, my Mother, my Father, but nothing could touch the pain of losing my Son. Don't beat yourself up, because emotional pain, and depression are so difficult to deal with, and especially if you're withdrawing. I've been so sick today with the loose stools, and the vomiting is the worse, but with support from my higher power, and luck? I'll get through this. If not better by the morning? I'm headed to the ER. I've already suffered one heart attack, and not going to chance another! Keep the faith, and remember this too shall pass.
Helpful - 0
1432897 tn?1322959537
Hi bucksfan,  I'm sorry about your friend.  That is not easy stuff to deal with at any time.  Regardless of how far along in recovery we are.  I read that you don't want to hear anything about meetings so that really limits the things I have to share that keep me sober.  Early on in sobriety I would try meditation but my head would just spin and dig me a deeper hole.  It works better for me now so it may be  worth a shot.  Saying a prayer for (and this is important) OTHER people.  Not really sure why it helps I just know that it helps me.  When we come in here we have a network of people that help us.  People with a common goal---staying clean.  Having a network where I can pick up a phone, or go see someone,  or someone can come to me has been a very valuable part of my recovery.  It has saved my butt many times.  This online stuff help but it is no substitute for a real live friend that can give me hug, hold my hand or just sit and listen.  It was easy for me to find friends and develop a network because I was willing to go to mtgs.  This doesn't mean you can't do it,  it just may be more difficult.  By using a network on a regular basis my reaction to a trigger is now to pick up the phone instead of pick up a drink.  I hope this helps.  God Bless!!!!!
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am sorry to hear about your friend bucksfan.  I hope he/she pulls thru this okay.  

Honestly, you used this is an excuse to use.  You had it in your head that if something bad happened you wouldnt stay clean.  You dont want to hear about meetings or aftercare as that isnt an option you say.  Why isnt it now?  You were willing to try it before.  You have to change up your thinking and we need help with that.  Bad things happen all around us but that isnt a reason to pop pills.  You cant continue on this path.  It is a dead end road.  Either you want to get and stay clean or you dont.  The choice is yours.......sara
Helpful - 0
1435456 tn?1314674659
Gnarly is right. That is the best answer I have read and is real. You and I have been kinda close since we have been on here close to the same time. I don't have enough time clean to be of any real help. I was just encouraging you last night, late, not to be beating yourself up and to pick up where you left off. These folks (any of them) with over a year clean, must know something. Best of luck my frien. God Bless
Helpful - 0
1253584 tn?1332877954
ive been reading ur story from day 1. im really sorry to hear of ur freind, and even more sorry to hear of ur relapse... i did the same thing  when i found out a freind of mine died of an overdose about a month ago. gnarly gave ya sum good advice. aftercare is a matter of life or death for me. u have to have it. no matter if u have time or not. u have to put ur recovery first...i understand how ur feeling, feeling guilty and frustarted when u want to do the right thing but u keep doing the wrong thing. i also see u have the fight since ur hear posting again. dont stress about the days u had clean. i learned that, the only thing that matter is that u did it just for today. this disease is such a mental battle. now u woke up the addict in u and its gonna take sum time and hard work to ur mind back to where it once was, but u did it b4 so u can do it again. u have to. if u keep using u will end up dead, jail, or in an institution....good luck to ya.
Helpful - 0
1436228 tn?1328053960
I understand Gnarly completly.
comming back online is brave. these past few days all I could think of if I fail I will not try again.
28 days for me clean today but the biggest trigger for my to use way to much was when I had my best friends percs were arguments and bad things happening and those no longer trigger me to use. I kinda get mad that something can cause me to use and quite I few times I never knew If I would survive how much I used to get back at those bad feelings always prayed if I od I would not come back.  kinda a suicide wish.

it is such a struggle and so many do have good answers and aftercare is so important I am looking but yet to find it. I do have a counslor. thats the addict talking who still so wants to use.

no good answers for you but somehow your post made me realized set backs are no reason to quit and even though I am hanging in and better than the last week felt for cravings it looks to be a lifelong struggle. I do not want to feel like you do now over letting the pills win but I guess you are winning cause you are here again.  keep us updated

good luck and glad to see you back

wendy
Helpful - 0
1320573 tn?1284658781
i just lost a friend two weeks ago to a heroin overdose. set back my recovery completely. wish i had an answer for ya but all i can tell you is that you are not alone. we are in the same boat, hang in there and if ya need anyone to talk to-send me a message. im going through the same stuff exactly.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
HI sorry to here about your relapse ...it sad you had what 30some days clean
then disaster strikes and you slip..it ***** to have a freind in the hospital..I wish I new what to tell you...but your like a diabetic  
that dosent want to take his insilin to get better...a lot of people here will candy coat it for you
im not one of them...this is life or death....I lost my sister in law to an O/D on vicaden and soma's ..the statistic show that less then 10% of addicts dont last 1yr clean and sober without aftercare....I know you dont have time for meetings or conslors ...well you mines as well be saying you dont have time to get well...this is not a game or something we do to put a plack
on our wall this is something we do to survive do you want to be the next one in the hospital
with a heart attack because your using...this is about life or death you may be able to string together some days clean but it is not about the pills it is about the very way we think that has to change addiction dose not just go away on its own it doesent go away because we quit using it will lay dormant till the next friend goes in the hospital or whatever your next tragedy might be....aftercare is the addicts inslin  it will teach you the skills and give you the tools so you dont choose to use next time your under stress
im not telling you this to **** you off or to be a no it all..im telling you this to keep you alive...I honestly care if people live or dye and relapse have killed lots of people
you may have to do things you find uncomfortable or inconvenient to get well
but trust me it beets coming here every few months to detox...you are not unuasal
many here try it there first couple of times alone....most come back and then try it with aftercare or keep riding the merry go round getting clean staying that way for a wile then slipping detoxing again and just going in circles....I invite you to ask any member here with significant clean time how they got it and can almost guarantee there answer will be with some form of aftercare...I took time to post what you need to here not what you want to here...but again this is not some game you play and walk away from people dye playing this game save yourself wile you still can...good luck and God bless....Gnarly          
Helpful - 0
1435456 tn?1314674659
Forgive yourself my friend. Like they say in NY, forget about it.
Glad ur back. I am going to a college game tomorrow too. Will pray for your friend. Talk to you asap. Tk care
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Alright if I miss your post, I will respond sometime tomorrow. I gotta go to bed. I know I posted this really late so a lot of members are prolly not on right now. Please say a prayer for my loved one. Tomorrow could be a really good day or not so good. Getting a lot of the round 2 tests back. Good night yall and I will check in sometime tomorrow evening if I go watch football with some of my family after I got to hospital.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey Fass thanks for posting. No I wont go through WD again. I honestly wont have any physical symptons. (it was 6 lortab 10's over a 3 day period and have been completely clean for 30 days or so before that) What I care about more is the mental setback I made. I am really proud of you and was hoping to see you still posting. Just keep your guard up and dont make the same mistake I did. Ill be starting back over and going at it again, just got completely blindsided by this one.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks narla. I have never been a depressed person or had anxiety, or at least not that I know of. Does druge abusecmake us more sensitive to things like that during recovery? I mean I was completely freaked out. I will try and post tomorrow but I am going by the hospital and then I was supposed to go with family to watch some college football. I am extremely exhausted so I will be falling asleep shortly but wanted, no needed to post on here. I finally found some time to login and do it. I just had to build up the courage to do it. Its just crazy, I remember thinking like (7) days into recovery that I just needed about 30 days of nothing to stressful so I can handle this and then wham this hits. At least I am not going through the physicals again and I know by taking 6 lortabs over the past few days I probably set back all the mental progress I have made and will get intense cravings all over again but honestly the guilt of using feels worse than any of that stuff. I thank you all for your continued support and Bucksfan back at day 1 after going about 30 days!
Helpful - 0
1435456 tn?1314674659
Bucksfan, It is good to hear from you. Look at it as a setback, not a failure. You haven't lost the war, you lost A battle. I really doubt that you will go thru a full blown WD again, probably just a day or two of minor WD (I dont know that for a fact) but logic, says. I walk, pray, go to church, go do things with clean people (non users) that is what works for me. I think you pick up where you left off and don't beat yourself up. You are a good person trying to stay clean. I think you will be OK. Keep me posted on how you are doing, I am really glad to hear from you. Andrew
Helpful - 0
1032715 tn?1315984234
I won't preach because it's obvious you already know about aftercare.

I used meditation,If you can get hold of Mindfulness Meditation on CDs by Jon Kabat-Zinn it teaches you how to understand your body and feelings you are having,it helped me

Good Luck

Denise
Helpful - 0
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