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2198453 tn?1343244740

Been clean for 89 days but kind of miserable in the same sense... HELP!!!!

As I stated I have been clean for 89 days off subs but 184 off opiates. Anyways why is everyday still such a struggle and no matter what time I go to sleep my body will not wake up early what is the deal with that? Also the eating whilst depressed is killing me I gained the 18lbs I lost back in two months. Also a very sensitive subject when does your libido come back? I am so discouraged I almost relapsed over Christmas my dad has several ruptured discs in his back and is an alcoholic and my mom told me he takes a ton of narcotics/opiates and is always "high" he has so much I actually tried to rationalize stealing his drugs but I didn't I talked myself down. When I was using subs the temptation was gone to use but after I jumped off 8mg/2mg and I actually did well detoxing a month later the cravings are back and I know its because I am depressed. Why is this a constant struggle? The panic attacks and anxiety are nerve wracking...
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3164225 tn?1358973174
Hi Kell, yes 89 days is huge and congratulations on the clean time! Many of us, myself included, thought after a few weeks or months clean we would be back to "normal". Well I have given up on normal and now am living a new healthy life at over 7 months clean. Time is the major player in how we feel. Our brains need more than a few months to clear up. Id say a year or so and you should be really feeling great again. DOnt get me wrong at your stage you should be gradually feeling better, some good days and most likely more down days, but look for teh small changes. Think about where you were at 3 weeks in or so. Huge imporvement. Well good luck to you and remember it does get better. God Bless Sunny!
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Avatar universal
Hi Kell, Congratulations on your 89 days free of opiates! I'm 78 days and I sometimes think of using also. I think It's pretty much natural for us to think that way for a while. Being clean is foreign to us after all the time we've spent with opiate in our systems. Opiate addiction is pretty serious stuff. Our entire beings completely depended on opiates 24/7. It's good that you're writing about it instead of isolating with your thoughts of using. That's why I'm here on MedHelp also. I've got to constantly surround myself in the atmosphere of recovery. With the holidays, I've missed my aftercare meetings; one after the other. I was going to go tonight, but we're getting hammered with a big snowstorm right now. The longer I go without being with my fellow addicts, and being able to share my thoughts and listen to other's thoughts about experiencing life on life's terms while being clean and sober,  the more thoughts of using pop in my brand new clean brain.

Right now it's a struggle, but you know that all the normal functions we were missing in our lives, like libido, will come roaring back if we just stay clean; one minute at a time, one hour or one day at a time. I'm writing this to you, but I'm listening to myself also. I'm 78 days clean from Alcohol also, and lot's of that is still stocked around the house. We hosted Christmas Eve here with 24 ppl drinking "normally". I've been talking myself down just like you when i get "thoughts". I actually prayed not to use a couple of times. It will get better if we stay clean.

Kell, after all this hell we went through we don't want to use, but our addiction wants us to. It blows in our ear which then travels to our empty pleasure center all the time. It's cunning, baffling and powerful. But with just a little more time, and seriously remaining surrounded in the atmosphere of recovery like our lives depend on it, (and writing like we just did) it will keep us safe -just for today. Every clean day for us is a miracle.    
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
I couldn't agree more that so many people with addiction issues are self medicating for depression, anxiety, or some other mental illness.  Having been a long time sufferer (panic disorder/depression), I can totally see how the temptation would be there to do so.  I know I've drank to excess way back when in my 20's to help alleviate some of my anxiety.  Lucky for me, I quickly learned that while in the MOMENT I felt a lot better...the pay off was NOT worth it, as I would feel 10 times as anxious in the following days.  I could have easily ended up abusing alcohol (or drugs) for my anxiety.  Hey, I overeat and I'm a smoker...so I have my own vices that I use for my emotional woes.  So, I can't completely relate, but I can see how one would turn to something.

It's SO important to address any of those issues.  I know you had some medication changes due to your insurance coverage not too long ago...have you resumed your prior medication regimen?  Not everyone chooses medication to help treat those conditions....but for countless people, meds (along WITH therapy) have been a Godsend.  Therapy is SO important either way...it teaches coping skills.  Meds can be helpful in reducing some of the symptoms, but they don't help with coping.

I think that might be one of the biggest keys for you...make sure you're keeping up with your plan of care that you and your mental health team come up with.  That's a big part odf the battle.
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3197167 tn?1348968606
Hey Kellkell.....you are doing SO good.....I can TOTALLY relate to ALL that you have said above in your post.  Even tho you are 184 days off opiates (I think it was pills/DOC for you, huh?) and subs for 89 days.......your opiate receptors haven't actually been "free" of all opiates until the subs quit filling them.  I've been off hydros, somas and any form of antidepressant for 187 days.  Off subs for 159 days.  Off gabapentin 110 days.
I get discouraged, too.  The parts of your body that aren't healed up yet are the same ones that frustrate me.  Sleep patterns, eating/appetitie, libido, cravings, depression, discouragement big time cause we dont feel like we think we should by now.  
I've been doing a HUGE amount of learning and reading in the last week about LONG term affects of antidpressants, subs, opiates, nicotine. etc. Did you know those drugs affect the very same neurotransmitters and some of the same brain chemicals we are suppose to naturally produce?  We are therefore affected in much the same way by EACH of those drugs and they all play similar roles in our healing (or delay of healing) in our brains.  (our seratonin and dopamine are affected by not just opiates and subs, but antidepressants and nicotine, too which helps to understand our healing process a little better......at least for me)

My sleep patterns have changed a lot since I quit, and the sleep patterns seem to change and then stablize, and then change again.  Same with all the other specific things buggin you.....they bug me too.  But....here comes the gag word.....TIME.......with time (LOL) we WILL heal.  Our brains need a lot longer that 90 days off ANY drug to return to functioning on their own in a natural fashion.  The GOOD news is you made it thru the temptation to throw in the towel and medicate away your depression and discouragement.  I'm not sure how long you used.....but I decided to set a goal of 6 mos or more totally off every Rx I've ever been on (still nicotine...but hey let not get to extreme here LOL)  and then when that came..... I'm able to move it out and say I'll give it another month........am I healing?   yep  Am I all better?   nope  Do I get impatient and wanna give up at times?   yep......but I AINT gonna do it!!  Not even if my rear falls off!

You just keep looking for your next goal post on this road to recovery....I
promise ALL those things will heal in time.....and you've got a biggy up on me.....you're still young and time is on your side.....the healing will come.
Hang on for the ride.......somedays it's the slow moving electric kiddy cars,
somedays the rollercoaster, and somedays the bumper cars........but it's better than the crazy merry-go-round that you got off of 184 DAYS AGO!!
Bless you girl~

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
hey girl, they say 90 days is the turning period, and for some its so true, but what i have noticed as the more clean i get under my belt, the more i find it a struggle.  The cravings come and go and now that our bodies are clean we are feeling again and dealing with life and for so long we didn't deal with life, when the going got tough we reached for a pill, so now its so hard to retrain our brains.  HEre i am over 9 months clean and i am so happy i survived all my crazy temptations of using, and yes i still get them, like life is, i have good days and bad, and when life is going bad, just go through it, know that it will pass and girl i promise you will be so proud of yourself for being strong for not using.  My sleep took a long time to return, i do sleep now but not like i use to on pills, but on a good note i wake up refreshed instead of feeling dope sick!!!  Your libido should be coming back really soon, i think it was around the 90 days mark for me.  I too suffer from depression, never before pills just now that i am clean and i am taking Zolfolt, it has helped a ton.  Good luck to you and GREAT job for not getting those pills from your dad.
Helpful - 0
1304379 tn?1376567437
A lot who self medicate have some kind of underlying issue, whether it is depression, anxiety, trauma, ect...

I guess everyone goes through their own time frame. You are a better person most likely without drugs. Tell yourself one day at a time, and I hope it gets better :)
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