Congrats on having the desire to be clean! I'm so sorry you had to go through that kind of trauma! I had a similar experience when I was 17, my mom had her dealer staying with us, and he got me drunk and raped me. I remember for the first week following, all I wanted to do was escape and not think about it. However, the best thing to do is to seek counseling to talk about what happened so you can find healing from it. Like you said, it feels good to share about it on here. Keeping things inside is what causes long term trauma, so being able to open up about it will help you heal. If you can't see a counselor soon enough, try writing about it(and burning the paper afterwards if you're worried someone else will read it). I used my experience as motivation to get away from drugs, so maybe you can redirect that negative experience. Emotional pain can be a big cause for us wanting to use, but emotional pain can also be healed. In my experience, it took counseling, going to AA/NA meetings and doing the 12 steps, and getting in touch with a higher power(I know, all the things no one wants to hear, but it works) so if you can try those things, that will give you extra support. I'll be praying for you, and you're welcome to message me on here.
I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. I hope he is in jail awaiting his punishment.
As for you, using isnt going to make you forget what you just went thru. It will only intensify it. Find a counselor to talk to about this. Face this head on as that will set you free. You are worth fighting for~
Stella- glad to hear from you, but sorry it's under these circumstances. The posters ImInAwe and Dominosarah already said it, but I'll add my 2 cents. You have to do the exact opposite of what you "feel" like doing. That means, stop using, find a counselor, and get into meetings. For meetings, go today. I thought you were going to meetings? Did you start and then stop? Now is the time to dive head first into all of this. I cannot tell you how many times I've someone talk about being molested in the rooms. Countless times. I can say you aren't alone but you won't truly feel not alone until you immerse yourself in meetings. Do it today, Stella. I'm rooting for you.
Thank you so much for your kind words and I am so sorry for what happened to you as well- but I can tell how strong you are having had that situation happen to you, and I strive to feel that strength with each and every new day. I am going to find a counselor to talk to tomorrow and definitely give them a call on Monday, because I definitely need to do that and I know that. I went to a few NA meetings when I first stopped my use, and I do like them, for me it's always just hard to get there if that makes sense. Kind of like the gym haha I love it when I finally get there but thinking about driving there and the time I'll spend makes me dread it. I am going to write down multiple meetings that are happening around my area for each day, and try to attend at LEAST a few a week, but I do think it would probably be best to attend them daily with my position as hard that will be. Thank you so much for the prayers and your response. It truly helps so much.
You are so right about it intensifying it, I know that from my past usage, it only masks the problem and then once you stop, you face it head on which is way worse and I need to remind myself of that. It's just hard because using numbs everything, and right now I don't want to feel or think anything. But I will never get over this if I continue to make myself numb until I'm a pill away from death; and I can't do that. Because I know that as hard as life is right now for me, that life is worth living. I am going to find a counselor to talk to tomorrow. Thank you so much for saying that I am worth fighting for... that really hit me hard and I appreciate it so much.
Yes I did start going to meetings, but did eventually stop going. I will be going back and will write back to you and let you know how they are going. I am going to do whatever I can to get myself to those meetings as often as possible. One thing I have definitely learned from this forum is how important those things are, and I think once I accept that even if it takes some force to get me there for a while, that it will be key to my recovery- in both senses. Thank you so much for being the first to write me back on my first post on this site and for continually checking in on me... its such a special feeling to have someone like you rooting for me.
you are very strong and I wish you the best, not sure what kind of BF you have but in my world your coworker would never need to work again kinda like a reverse lottery instead of winning everything you...... take care
Keep us posted on how you are doing~
Thanks for saying that, but I really don't feel strong at all, in fact I feel weaker and more vulnerable then ever. Love the comment about the boyfriend, hahaha he is doing whatever he can not to do something that could send him to jail if you know what I mean. He is being extremely supportive and making me feel like a queen. Hope you are doing well also, best wishes.
My sweet Stella. My heart is breaking for you...you know I will always be here for you in anyway. I too was stranger raped by two men at the tender age of fourteen. I was a tutor, naive, a virgin. I woke up raped, sodomized, shot in the head and dumped in a ditch. I found the strength to get out that ditch because I KNEW they would come back to make sure I was dead! Fast forward, one is out of prison, did not recognize me and asked me out while in Starbucks! I dropped my drink and ran out. Been having nightmares since. Stella just like I found the strength to pull my self out that ditch, you will find the strength to pull yourself back to soberity. I am here for you. DO NOT LET THAT TRASH TAKE AWAY YOUR POWER! You can always call me, just let me know, no matter what time. I am HERE for YOU. Giving you lots of love.
I am doing alright, found some numbers for counseling therapists/psychiatrists to call in the morning once the offices are open and plan on scheduling a session right away. I have been having nightmares with this guy in it, which has made the idea of going to sleep pretty much awful, not to mention I am terrified to sleep at night so I have been staying up all night. I just finished my last perc that I had left and am feeling extremely motivated for tomorrow to begin my sobriety. Back to day 1, but am more than ready to get my life back. Looked up more meetings in my area and will be attending one tomorrow along with a counseling session, that is if I can get one scheduled for tomorrow. I guess a positive of being terrified to sleep will help with the withdrawal of not being able to sleep, so I'm trying to look at that as a positive. Thank you for checking in on me. How are you? I hope you have an amazing day today.
Sent you an inbox my love... What I went through is definitely nothing compared to you and you are officially the strongest person I know... I look up to you so much right now in my time of hurting. Hoping you are sleeping amazingly and have the bestest day today. Much love.
I just want to add something: a few meetings will help. More meetings will help more and a lot of meetings will help the most. The true miracle of the twelve steps is that it heals the agony of self centered suffering by enabling you to find compassion and reach out to others. I'll never forget the day I realized that everything I was looking for in a fix was sitting in th rooms of recovery. Amazing. One day at a time, you won't look back in the same way, ever.
Thank you so much for your input, after everything that is happened, all I want to do is help people!! I will definitely try to attend as many as I can, but to be honest I might have to ease into going every day or even several times a week, but am going to try my hardest. Thank you so much. xoxo
Hey you...I am hoping you are doing okay...you stay in my thoughts and prayers. I received your message, left you one :-)