Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
17611394 tn?1461723052

Broken, scarred and feeling like I'll never be okay.

Today would have been my 3rd week sober.. I dreamed to accomplish that. I screwed up three days ago after something completely terrible and messed up happened to me... I didn't want to post about it on here, but I am feeling 100 percent completely broken and unsure of the future. I won't go into too many details but I figure this is a safe and an anonymous enough place that I could post how I am feeling and what has happened to me in order to seek help from people who truly want to support others in getting clean. A few days ago, a coworker of mine, whom I barely know since I just started work at this job, came over to my house because I offered to pay him some extra cash to take my shift the next day as I was still feeling crappy from withdrawals. I told him I would run the money to him in his car, but he insisted on coming in. I wasn't too fond of the idea because it was 12 in the morning, but didn't think much of it. He came in (by the way I live with my parents still as I am 20 years old and in college) and we chatted. I had a glass of water on my nightstand, and went to use the restroom. When I came back we continued our conversation and I finished drinking my water. About 10 minutes later, I started to feel very incoherent, and that's when this coworker of mine declared and I quote word for word, "I put a date rape drug in your drink, you're not going to remember the rest of the night". The next thing I know, I am at his house begging him to take me home. The few things I remember, are him saying things like "You're my dream girl", "You're body is so sexy", and "I want you". I remember being in water which I suppose was a bathtub, and there being dogs and other than that everything is a complete blur. Next thing I remember, is being dropped back off at my house around 7 AM, I came into my house, and my parents were both awake... I can't remember what I told them in regards to where I was, but when straight to my room and slept until 3. When I woke up, I knew something terrible had happened. This is kind of TMI but my vajaj was sore and I found bruising around my neck, hips, and around my vagaj. I instantly felt fear, but knew exactly what I needed to do. I called my boyfriend and explained what I remembered and he took me to the ER. I had a rape kit done on me which by the way is the worst experience ever and hurts like hell, blood drawn, peed in a cup, and talked to a cop and an advocate who was just the nicest. I was at the ER for a total of 8 hours. Longest day of my life. The sweet lady who did my exam told me that she was pretty sure I was raped. I got all kinds of shots and antibiotics and plan B in order to prevent anything that could have happened. Since that terrible accident, I have fallen back into my pain killer and soma addiction as I am trying to not feel anything and clear my mind. I know this is only going to make my problem go away for a bit, but it feels nice to "get away" from the trauma that happened to me. I am so scared to go back to sobriety but at the same time be causes he drugged me it makes me hate drugs more than anything, but here I am, losing myself in drugs, line upon line. Basically what I am asking for is your support and how to go about becoming sober again while dealing with such a dramatic event. I want to be sober I do, but I also want to get away from everything that happened. Please share your stories with me and give me encouragement and advice as to what I should do next. I am not trying to get pity from you guys, I simply just want to get better. I have never felt more broken, scared, and like I will never be okay again. This feels good to share... Please help me. How do you think I should go about returning to sobriety with everything I am dealing with? I am more scared than ever. Sleeping is the worst, the last few nights my dreams have involved this guy, and I am terrified to sleep but know that I need to. Please help, give me advice and help me get my life back on track. I am sorry this is such a long post, but I really want support as only my family knows about this tragedy. Thank you all so much, you are all angels and I hope you all are having an amazing day. Xoxo- stellakae
15 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
Hey you...I am hoping you are doing okay...you stay in my thoughts and prayers. I received your message, left you one :-)
Helpful - 0
17611394 tn?1461723052
Thank you so much for your input, after everything that is happened, all I want to do is help people!! I will definitely try to attend as many as I can, but to be honest I might have to ease into going every day or even several times a week, but am going to try my hardest. Thank you so much. xoxo
Helpful - 0
10287982 tn?1443815735
Honey!
I just want to add something: a few meetings will help. More meetings will help more and a lot of meetings will help the most. The true miracle of the twelve steps is that it heals the agony of self centered suffering by enabling you to find compassion and reach out to others. I'll never forget the day I realized that everything I was looking for in a fix was sitting in th rooms of recovery. Amazing. One day at a time, you won't look back in the same way, ever.
Much love!
Leap
Helpful - 0
17611394 tn?1461723052
Sent you an inbox my love... What I went through is definitely nothing compared to you and you are officially the strongest person I know... I look up to you so much right now in my time of hurting. Hoping you are sleeping amazingly and have the bestest day today. Much love.
Helpful - 0
17611394 tn?1461723052
I am doing alright, found some numbers for counseling therapists/psychiatrists to call in the morning once the offices are open and plan on scheduling a session right away. I have been having nightmares with this guy in it, which has made the idea of going to sleep pretty much awful, not to mention I am terrified to sleep at night so I have been staying up all night. I just finished my last perc that I had left and am feeling extremely motivated for tomorrow to begin my sobriety. Back to day 1, but am more than ready to get my life back. Looked up more meetings in my area and will be attending one tomorrow along with a counseling session, that is if I can get one scheduled for tomorrow. I guess a positive of being terrified to sleep will help with the withdrawal of not being able to sleep, so I'm trying to look at that as a positive. Thank you for checking in on me. How are you? I hope you have an amazing day today.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
My sweet Stella. My heart is breaking for you...you know I will always be here for you in anyway. I too was stranger raped by two men at the tender age of fourteen. I was a tutor, naive, a virgin. I woke up raped, sodomized, shot in the head and dumped in a ditch. I found the strength to get out that ditch because I KNEW they would come back to make sure I was dead! Fast forward, one is out of prison, did not recognize me and asked me out while in Starbucks! I dropped my drink and ran out. Been having nightmares since. Stella just like I found the strength to pull my self out that ditch, you will find the strength to pull yourself back to soberity. I am here for you. DO NOT LET THAT TRASH TAKE AWAY YOUR POWER! You can always call me, just let me know, no matter what time. I am HERE for YOU. Giving you lots of love.
Helpful - 0
17611394 tn?1461723052
Thanks for saying that, but I really don't feel strong at all, in fact I feel weaker and more vulnerable then ever. Love the comment about the boyfriend, hahaha he is doing whatever he can not to do something that could send him to jail if you know what I mean. He is being extremely supportive and making me feel like a queen. Hope you are doing well also, best wishes.
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Keep us posted on how you are doing~
Helpful - 0
1445648 tn?1470319663
you are very strong and I wish you the best, not sure what kind of BF you have but in my world your coworker would never need to work again kinda like a reverse lottery instead of winning everything you...... take care
Helpful - 0
17611394 tn?1461723052
Yes I did start going to meetings, but did eventually stop going. I will be going back and will write back to you and let you know how they are going. I am going to do whatever I can to get myself to those meetings as often as possible. One thing I have definitely learned from this forum is how important those things are, and I think once I accept that even if it takes some force to get me there for a while, that it will be key to my recovery- in both senses. Thank you so much for being the first to write me back on my first post on this site and for continually checking in on me... its such a special feeling to have someone like you rooting for me.
Helpful - 0
17611394 tn?1461723052
You are so right about it intensifying it, I know that from my past usage, it only masks the problem and then once you stop, you face it head on which is way worse and I need to remind myself of that. It's just hard because using numbs everything, and right now I don't want to feel or think anything. But I will never get over this if I continue to make myself numb until I'm a pill away from death; and I can't do that. Because I know that as hard as life is right now for me, that life is worth living. I am going to find a counselor to talk to tomorrow. Thank you so much for saying that I am worth fighting for... that really hit me hard and I appreciate it so much.
Helpful - 0
17611394 tn?1461723052
Thank you so much for your kind words and I am so sorry for what happened to you as well- but I can tell how strong you are having had that situation happen to you, and I strive to feel that strength with each and every new day. I am going to find a counselor to talk to tomorrow and definitely give them a call on Monday, because I definitely need to do that and I know that. I went to a few NA meetings when I first stopped my use, and I do like them, for me it's always just hard to get there if that makes sense. Kind of like the gym haha I love it when I finally get there but thinking about driving there and the time I'll spend makes me dread it. I am going to write down multiple meetings that are happening around my area for each day, and try to attend at LEAST a few a week, but I do think it would probably be best to attend them daily with my position as hard that will be. Thank you so much for the prayers and your response. It truly helps so much.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Stella- glad to hear from you, but sorry it's under these circumstances. The posters ImInAwe and Dominosarah already said it, but I'll add my 2 cents. You have to do the exact opposite of what you "feel" like doing. That means, stop using, find a counselor, and get into meetings. For meetings, go today. I thought you were going to meetings? Did you start and then stop? Now is the time to dive head first into all of this. I cannot tell you how many times I've someone talk about being molested in the rooms. Countless times. I can say you aren't alone but you won't truly feel not alone until you immerse yourself in meetings. Do it today, Stella. I'm rooting for you.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
*That sentence was: I cannot tell you how many times I've heard someone in the rooms talk about being molested.
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am so sorry to hear this happened to you.  I hope he is in jail awaiting his punishment.

As for you, using isnt going to make you forget what you just went thru.  It will only intensify it.  Find a counselor to talk to about this.  Face this head on as that will set you free.  You are worth fighting for~
Helpful - 0
5783082 tn?1374177161
Congrats on having the desire to be clean! I'm so sorry you had to go through that kind of trauma! I had a similar experience when I was 17, my mom had her dealer staying with us, and he got me drunk and raped me. I remember for the first week following, all I wanted to do was escape and not think about it. However, the best thing to do is to seek counseling to talk about what happened so you can find healing from it. Like you said, it feels good to share about it on here. Keeping things inside is what causes long term trauma, so being able to open up about it will help you heal. If you can't see a counselor soon enough, try writing about it(and burning the paper afterwards if you're worried someone else will read it). I used my experience as motivation to get away from drugs, so maybe you can redirect that negative experience. Emotional pain can be a big cause for us wanting to use, but emotional pain can also be healed. In my experience, it took counseling, going to AA/NA meetings and doing the 12 steps, and getting in touch with a higher power(I know, all the things no one wants to hear, but it works) so if you can try those things, that will give you extra support. I'll be praying for you, and you're welcome to message me on here.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community

Top Addiction Answerers
495284 tn?1333894042
City of Dominatrix, MN
Avatar universal
phoenix, AZ
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.