I began using heroin 8 years ago or so. I went to rehab once and did several quick suboxone tapers, but always went back to using. About 4 yrs ago (while back on suboxone) I decided I should stop doing H and take my medicine because I was tired of getting sick almost every other day. Instead, I would smoke crack. I had done it a few times, didn't like it really. But I thought that it would be easier to control because "I didn't have to have it" the way a long time user of heroin has to have it. The past four years have been the worst. I have only gone back to using heroin maybe a handful of times and never for prolonged periods. I have actually been taking my medicine, although I ended up on SUBUTEX about three years ago because I have some weird effects from typical suboxone. In the heroin addiction realm, I've done great. Hardly used it in three years, the last time at all was over a year ago. But my crack addiction had really taken off. I've now been in and out of rehab four times because my life was in crisis due to the crack and all the **** that comes with that drug. But in treatment I would always be taken off my subutex. Pretty much consistently being on 8 mg of subutex for four years, its impossible for me to come off in a detox in two weeks. I would do it, and as soon as I got home get right back on it. After awhile, I'd use crack again. I was clean for 5 months in the spring, doing well, still on my subs but had used no crack, no heroin, wasn't even taking ambien.By all accounts, doing well. I had thought after being clean THAT LONG (sarcasm btw) my life would have improved, add in the horrible dynamic here at home and I used. I haven't felt it was like my previous relapse. It wasn't the same at all. That "slip" was almost 4 months ago. I agreed to come off all my medications in an attempt to make up for disapointing my parents. I DID want to come off of them for me as well, but if it was up to me, I would have gave up awhile ago.My mom decides to wean me off three plus years of 8mg subutex a day, in a month. I weaned and was thinking it was going well. Then, after the month it caught up to me. I got sicker than I've been in almost 10 yrs. of drug use. I beg my mom, tell her that if it took me a month to even GET sick that I would be sick (horribly sick) for a long time as well. We fight for days about this. Finally, she allows me to go back to my doctor and tell him whats going on. He agrees that maybe a month detox was a bit ambitious when you take into account how long I had been on it. He gives me a taper schedule that is maybe three months long, starting back at 4mg. Already in one month I've halved my dose. An accomplishment to me at least. Not so much to my mom. She is already angry that I'm "backtracking" and that I just need to "tough it out". I vehemently disagree, try 3955 times to explain why. All is lost on her. I'm still sick back on the 4mg. I don't dare ask for more. She was right, I did get used to that dose. By the time I did, it was time to drop it again. The past three months have been hell. Not just because I've been at least a little bit sick this whole time, but because I get nothing but criticism for my efforts. I have no friends anymore or options. I can't leave. I can't get off the subs at my own pace, I can't even get out of the house for an hour after she is nasty to me. I have sat in my room for three months in constant pain. crying, wishing I could think of a painless, easy way to do what I really want to do. She has let me extend my taper schedule a week or two there (though not without a fight, and then not without berrating me after). Mind you, through all of it, I have not wanted to use.It had gotten to a point where I accepted I was going to have to do it all her way. That, I would also still be expected to do the things her and my stepfather expect from me while wd'ing. That all became fine with me, because trying to fight it externally and internally became too much. But the worst part of all of it, is that feeling bad that long has caused me the worst depression, add in that I have no friends. I'm completely isolated with only my family to talk to or be around. That has become the biggest problem. My mom used to be so supportive, so many chances, and never liked seeing me suffer. I get that after years of this, she is over it. I. But what I don't get is why she chooses THIS time, when I'm not only clean but trying to wd like SHE wants to be outright nasty and hurtful. Nothing is ever enough. I'm not getting off them fast enough.She says she wants me to have a normal life. Well then why are all feeble attempts at a social life met with such resistance that I havent gone out, even seen someone my own age in almost 4 months? She says I don't do enough. Then, how come you complain or refuse to take me to apply for jobs (that she chooses fyi, she won't allow me to waitress, though that is what I'm most employable as)? I don't help out around the house, I could go on. The thing is, I'm not perfect. I could do better. I know that. I don't think I deserve a gold star for my efforts. Though it would be nice for someone to point out how well I'm doing or at least how hard I'm trying. I guess that's what my therapist is for. The one I didn't want to see, that my mom pays for and then blows off all the things she says. Things like "she needs to get off these pills at her own pace" and also agrees my mom and others in the house are nasty to the point that its becoming a very hostile enviroment for me. She says I'm vulnerable. I didn't think so at first, now I'm not so sure. The hardest thing, is how my mom treats me on a daily basis. I admit, I used to handle it very badly. Yell, scream, slam doors, basically act like the two yr old they treat me like anyway. I think a lot of it is because I don't feel like I'm being heard or my feelings about my own life and body are being accounted for. It creates a well of anger in me that has me sympathizing for the types of people who murder their parents. Mostly though, I'm now afraid to get off the meds. I do want to use now. I didn't and now I do. But I don't. Then, I just give them more justification for the things they do and say. How many times did I dramatically say I wanted to die in my life? For the first time, I mean it. I don't see a end to this. Sure, eventually I'll be off the subs (after months of pain) but things at home will be the same, and I have no way out. I NEED them, unfortunately. My biological dad is too busy trying to get my 15 yr old half brother not to end up like me, to actually help me when I need it and want it. It would make the difference just to have one real friend, or the means to get out of here and away sometimes. I haven't been allowed to drive, even to 7-11 in about 3 yrs now. When I was using every other week, I agreed with that. Part of me still doesn't want to, because I don't entirely trust myself. I was starting to again, not so much now. As unperfect as I know I am, I have not done any of the types of things I used to, but still get treated like crap. Well, I just ****** up. I found where my mom hid my subs and have taken extra a week now. My reasoning is that we were moving too fast and how fast I do it should really be up to me anyway. I also took them as directed and obviously I get no high or enjoyment from such things at this point. But because I snuck them "This is why I don't trust you". I just gave her all the justification in the world to be ****** to me. Not like she wasn't anyway. I don't know if I can take another week of being alone in this "atmosphere". Any advice on how to cope with any of it would be appreciated. Like I said, I don't have anyone to talk to and most don't know the truth about my life now, or how it really was when I was using.