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Avatar universal

Can't seem to make it w out caving

I feel like I can't get thru this and I am so sick of it..I make it 2 or 3 days then relapse I know the key is to eliminate sources which I have for me problem is hubby is out 3 weeks from a total knee and tho he is a addict and wants to quit he has real pain esp w physical therapy..His dr gave him 120 vics 7.5 we had those gone in 4.5/5 days after having 3 days clean..He also has a good friend that takes percs and will for rest of his life he has MANY issues w several back surgeries has had  something closed where he can't throw up etc..However they r really close friends of ours and his wife my good friend who doesn't use got diagnosed w pancriotic cancer and they only gave her 8 to 12 mo to live she is doing chemotherapy and after this last treatment will find out if it shrunk if not they r sending her home to die basically or if it did do a 12 hr surgery that has low chances of success... I believe in God and so does she and am praying for a miracle but I can't just walk away because sometimes me talking to her is what gets her to her next chemotherapy when she doesn't want to fight anymore..but I also can't be around knowing he is on percs and gets extra cause of her but she don't take them so he sells some to my husband.. I feel bad for my husband this is a hard time to quit when he just had knee replaced but it is just consuming our lives and ruining everything..we haven't felt ourselves for over 2.5 years we take high doses but have been really lowering them going like 2 or 3 days then take 7 or 8 in a day etc.. I just don't know how to get past this..not even the physical really but the mental and I know aftercare and we have a program Tues and sat but I have no ambition to get there I seriously think I have depression too I just want off these and to have our normal life back
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Avatar universal
Also we have 2 young kids that I want to be best mom possible I have been using basically since last 1 was born.. I have no energy to do stuff w them we watch cartoons..snuggle..play things around house..I force myself to do cleaning..I don't just get to rest or take multiple baths tho my husband does help me more than any man I have ever seen weather he feels good or not.. it's just my personal motivation is at zero I know if I got through this I would be better I miss myself and my real relationship w my husband..I also have zero support w family I only have my mom and sister in my life and I am not joking when I say they would never talk to me again.. they don't understand addiction and it took my mom 3 years after I was clean and doing great to even talk to me again..I put them thru so much they just would never deal w it again.. and I KNOW that for a fact..we have no help w the kids so having a few days to ourselves to get better is not a option..When it comes to our kids tho at least their physical needs they get taken care of 100% weather we feel good or not..when do whatever they need..feedings..baths..drinks..diaper changes etc we just refuse to let our kids suffer but in a way they are as far as being cheated out of their real mom and dad I know our kids and our life is so much more meaniful than these dang pills I just hate that I have allowed it to go on and the only reason it was started again was surgery and we have both had to have several surgeries in this time but didn't even quit in between I just don't know why I can't seem to muster up the determination when I want it so bad and I haven't used since Monday 6 pills then fell today and have taken 10
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It sounds like you're in a messy circle. You go thru the hard part then relapse and start all over again. I swear if u get passed the first week you will feel so amazing. It's totally worth it.
You need to cut ALL contact with ur pill source. Cuz what you're doing isn't working and ur putting yourself thru agony
Helpful - 0
9880688 tn?1414115647
You are in such a tough situation.  Your husband and you have to make a pact.  For one thing...he can't give you his pills...no matter what...he also has to lock them up (that's what my hubby and I did because he still needed his).  Now your friends....if they are true and loyal friends then they will listen to you and never give or offer or sell you pills again.  If they cannot do that then you need to get that temptation out of your life.

I'm afraid if you keep going thru the cycle of getting clean for a few days and then ingesting a ton of pills that you may eventually over-dose.  It is VERY possible for that to happen.  When your body has cleaned out...well 10 or 20 pills in a day before you would have had a tolerance to.  After cleaning out your system you won't have such a high tolerance.

We are talking about your life here.....I don't know about you...but I want you to live.  You have SO much to live for....your husband who needs you right now and your children who need you even more.  I could not have children and I would have loved to have had children.  You DO have to do this for you...but also...you need to do this for your children.....so they have a mother who will be around to see them graduate, fall in love, marry, etc etc
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey Tired. I agree 100% w/ kitty above but also want to add something. You mentioned your mom started talking to you after you were clean for 3 years. So, you were clean before. I am assuming you didn't do any aftercare during that time? Because you are still in the addict cycle w/ an addict brain. Yes, you have some obstacles to overcome but often when we list all the "odds" that are against us, it makes our addict brain stronger. As in: "my hubbie had surgery, my family doesn't understand addiction, my friend has cancer...I'm too stressed to stop." You are making a case for continuing to use. Not saying this stuff isn't real, but you are making a case. I don't have to list all the reasons why continuing to use is a bad idea, you know them. My question is, do you want to stop? And you really so sick of this that you'll do anything suggested?  Can you answer that question honestly?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi there...i don't know if you've seen or followed my post but it may be helpful....i HAD a great life, and my addiction to pills was a greater love than my career, myself, my security and to be real honest my kids too. I put myself in a situation that I could've lost them forever. It wasn't until that day that I said enough is enough. I like you were using to have energy to be super mom, and super everything to everyone. In all reality were just dying inside...when something has that strong of a pull on you, your not living, your living to use. It sounds like your sources are pretty influential. You must cut that off. Or you won't be successful....i know its so scary, and painful to detox...as I'm a recent survivor ;) it was honestly the worst thing I've ever experienced...but it can be done. I'm on day 17...the first 4 days were the worst. There are many things you can do and take to get you thru it. I'd suggest you and your husband draw straws who goes first so that someone is capable of caring for your kids. Make a game plan, be prepared....and just jump. Its not going to be an easy fall, but when you arrive at the bottom you will slowly stand up and walk again....in your true self. The beautiful mommy and wife you once were....im praying for you. You have come to the right place. I couldn't have made it without all of the people here cheering me on. We are here...keep posting.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wow thanks everyone..After I posted that me and hubby spent rest of night discussing it and how we WANT and HAVE to stop..He said he can do his healing w out them and I believe that..we have decided we want our life over these pills I think I needed to just get that little bit out..yes we were clean for 3 years we did some celebrate recovery but mostly just church and our lives it was honestly best 3 years ever we never craved..we didn't go to Dr's we had no desire to use like I said we both had several surgeries that's what started it and we just never stopped in between..I have never had the worry about over dose till recent toward end of our heavy using and absolutely no do I want out children growing up w out us they mean the world to both of us..it's time to buckle down and do this..I messed up today..tomorrow is a fresh start me and hubby talked A LOT we prayed together and we need to do this..I am beyond tired of this vicious cycle.. I will find out how to keep our friends in our lives it's mainly her..He would sell them for money even if we asked him not too he is not a very good friend but she is and she is dying of cancer unless she beats it or God performs a miracle and I can't walk out on her because I can't control myself..thanks everyone for listening..yes devastated and scared I have followed your story we too several years ago did our own scripts we did a lot before caught I did jail time and so did hubby..never in my life had I been in trouble w law or done any drugs it started w a very complicated surgery and being on pills for 10 mo over several surgeries on same thing I knew nothing about pills or what they did..I don't even get energy from them anymore haven't for a long time..There is no more reason for these and every reason to reclaim our lives..thanks again for support everyone I will keep posting and walk thru this with whoever will with me..
Helpful - 0
9880688 tn?1414115647
I'm glad the two of you had a good talk.  It is hard to be the partner, watch your loved one in pain and not offer something to help.  The only reason Hubby survived doing that for me is because I AM hell on wheels when I want something that badly and he knew I would have a hard time forgiving if he put a stumbling block in my way to getting clean.

It sounds like you have a good plan.  If your friends hubby won't keep offering the pills then you have two choices:  dropping him (but I understand why you wouldn't with your friend being so ill....since you won't do that...then you have to stand strong and say no and keep saying no until he gets it in his head you don't want them.  Perhaps he is selling them for extra money...if the two of you get caught buying them you will end up in jail once again.

Now that you have a plan in place stick to it and start your aftercare as soon as you can.

Hugz
Helpful - 0
9880688 tn?1414115647
Miracles do happen btws...keep praying and if you will PM your friends name to me I will add to our prayer chain here.  Some day I will tell you the whole story but when hubby was added to transplant list he went from 400 on the list immediately to 3.  The doctor even called his parents and told them to make the drive from Florida to Colorado because he wasn't going to make it.  I told the doctor to go to hell btws.  I never, ever lost faith and here we are 10-1/2 years later and I still have my man.

Don't lose faith...never lose faith...because miracles can happen!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank u so much purfectlykrazy...I am happy to hear about your husband that brings me more hope and I won't loose faith..God has performed many miracles in our lives..I had a great relationship with Jesus and have accepted him into my heart but these stupid pills have numbed eveeything..today is day 1 again..we have decided we were just going to stay away for a week or so and asked him mostly to give us space that we were stopping them he respected that I can talk to his wife my friend on the phone if need be.. we need to get through this part so we r thinking clear..it is going to be rough coarse maybe not as bad as I think cause we have had like 7 or 8 clean days in past week and half w only using like 6 or 7 maybe 1 day in between.. I don't know how much it will set is back.. I'm gonna keep reading and posting I read this site all day long in between taking care of business w kids..thanks again for support
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Im sorry i know how u feel. I lost my husband and could lose my son bcus of my addiction. 13 yrs and still fighting it. Someone said ur husband could lock his pills up. My dad did the same thing but now i can shimmy or break into a lock. Thats how bad addiction is. I know now. If its out there we will find out how to get it. Please get clean. I beg that not just for u but for ur kids. My son has went thru so much bcus of me and his father fighting back and forth. U prolly wont have that prob ur husband doesnt sound that way but from experience you can be alone and almost beat to death bcus of this addiction. Please try to get some help. Not trying to scare you just want to try to help u with my story. Good luck girl.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
How are you guys doing...praying for you.
Helpful - 0
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