Aa
Checking In
Hey everyone
Well, it has been 14 days and the pain is worse not better but everyone says that is normal. I swear sometimes I think if I had the pills I would take the whole darn bottle because all I want to do is be with Joe. I sold his gun first chance I had and I think it is a good thing that I did because of how I feel now. I'm sure I was in shock the first week and now all the feelings are pouring into me and it is horrible, it is awful. I can't sleep more than an hour or so at a time, I barely can eat, yes, I talk to friends and stuff but I don't want to talk to them because all they want to do is talk about what happened which starts everything back up again.
My m-i-l barely talks to me right now (my mother thinks it is hard for her to talk to me right now), my mother is another whole other thing. She tells me things like she can't imagine how hard it is to lose a child, how hard it would be to lose my brother (now picture about a 5 second pause) then she says or even you. This should not surprise me..i've always been an afterthought to her even as a child but it still hurt.
Don't worry...I'm not going to do anything stupid...I promised Joe only under one circumstance would I join him on purpose and that circumstance did not happen. I know I will survive this, I know it will take time, I know all these things but I feel so alone now because of the way the family treats me. I told Joe a few months ago that this would happen...and I can tell you now that eventually they will phase me out because they don't like me...they appreciated me for what I did for Joe but they do not understand me. They won't admit this ever but they judge people by what they have not by who they are inside and Joe and I are the total opposite. We look at people for who they are not what they own or how much money they have etc.
I keep telling myself "this too shall pass" but I think it is going to be a godawful long time before it passes even a little bit. In the meantime I'm in so much emotional pain and my physical pain is no better. Doctor has flat out told me I need to be on disability, that no one will hire me full time because of my various issues....but I need something to hold on to...most people have children to hold on to but I don't because Joe already had 3 and I felt that was enough but they were already older and never lived with us so we don't have that bond really. All I have is me, my cats, and a few very close friends who stand by me no matter what but none of them live here. I think about moving back to Denver but my blood pressure problems were atrocious there plus the cost of living is now too high there. If I moved back to Seattle I would have to deal physically with My family and that isn't worth the cost of the move AND the fact that I would be crippled in the cold and damp.
Sorry all I needed a good whine I guess...and to say it is a damn good thing I made sure I couldn't pick up Joe's scrips and that I took all his scrips from home to the pharmacy to destroy them because I think I would be using now if I hadn't have done that. Thank God I haven't a clue how to buy them off the street nor could I afford to even if I did...plus I'm too cheap to do that anyway. I think about drinking but I don't like alcohol. So how does someone like us get through something like this...with no crutch???
Most everyone in my "opiate" support groups just keep saying the same things, put my faith in a higher power (which I am really trying to do), that things will get better, etc etc but none of those things are helping how I feel now (not to mention I'm about to scream if I hear the same platitudes) ...i know eventually it will ease and all of those things will help more as time passes but surviving until then? That's a whole other ball of wax!
Well, it has been 14 days and the pain is worse not better but everyone says that is normal. I swear sometimes I think if I had the pills I would take the whole darn bottle because all I want to do is be with Joe. I sold his gun first chance I had and I think it is a good thing that I did because of how I feel now. I'm sure I was in shock the first week and now all the feelings are pouring into me and it is horrible, it is awful. I can't sleep more than an hour or so at a time, I barely can eat, yes, I talk to friends and stuff but I don't want to talk to them because all they want to do is talk about what happened which starts everything back up again.
My m-i-l barely talks to me right now (my mother thinks it is hard for her to talk to me right now), my mother is another whole other thing. She tells me things like she can't imagine how hard it is to lose a child, how hard it would be to lose my brother (now picture about a 5 second pause) then she says or even you. This should not surprise me..i've always been an afterthought to her even as a child but it still hurt.
Don't worry...I'm not going to do anything stupid...I promised Joe only under one circumstance would I join him on purpose and that circumstance did not happen. I know I will survive this, I know it will take time, I know all these things but I feel so alone now because of the way the family treats me. I told Joe a few months ago that this would happen...and I can tell you now that eventually they will phase me out because they don't like me...they appreciated me for what I did for Joe but they do not understand me. They won't admit this ever but they judge people by what they have not by who they are inside and Joe and I are the total opposite. We look at people for who they are not what they own or how much money they have etc.
I keep telling myself "this too shall pass" but I think it is going to be a godawful long time before it passes even a little bit. In the meantime I'm in so much emotional pain and my physical pain is no better. Doctor has flat out told me I need to be on disability, that no one will hire me full time because of my various issues....but I need something to hold on to...most people have children to hold on to but I don't because Joe already had 3 and I felt that was enough but they were already older and never lived with us so we don't have that bond really. All I have is me, my cats, and a few very close friends who stand by me no matter what but none of them live here. I think about moving back to Denver but my blood pressure problems were atrocious there plus the cost of living is now too high there. If I moved back to Seattle I would have to deal physically with My family and that isn't worth the cost of the move AND the fact that I would be crippled in the cold and damp.
Sorry all I needed a good whine I guess...and to say it is a damn good thing I made sure I couldn't pick up Joe's scrips and that I took all his scrips from home to the pharmacy to destroy them because I think I would be using now if I hadn't have done that. Thank God I haven't a clue how to buy them off the street nor could I afford to even if I did...plus I'm too cheap to do that anyway. I think about drinking but I don't like alcohol. So how does someone like us get through something like this...with no crutch???
Most everyone in my "opiate" support groups just keep saying the same things, put my faith in a higher power (which I am really trying to do), that things will get better, etc etc but none of those things are helping how I feel now (not to mention I'm about to scream if I hear the same platitudes) ...i know eventually it will ease and all of those things will help more as time passes but surviving until then? That's a whole other ball of wax!
I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain, both emotionally and physically. Please "whine" and vent all that you need to, there is just so much intense emotion inside of you right now and it needs a place to come out. I've had some training in grief work, and one thing I know for sure is that grief is messy. Contrary to popular belief, there is no nice, neat progression through specific, easily identifiable stages....you just kind of bounce all over place for awhile, back and forth through different emotions and mindsets, and everyone's experience is different. There is no set timeline, and no "right or wrong" when it comes to grief. Eventually people tend to reach some sort of resolve, but again, that resolve is very individualized and looks different for everyone. Thinking of you and sending love <3
I have to agree with the above here. I will keep you in my Prayers..I could not start the Grieving groups until way later and when I went to a new church I could not even sing or dance to the music. I was in la-la land..It does take time to come around and even have that faith again..YOUR Circle has been Broken and it will take some time to even feel one step ahead..Now this is just how I have been feeling..I too just UPd all my Support because of all of this, as you know..My Heart Aches for YOU and all I can say is that I will hold you close in my Prayers. NO WORDS CAN HELP RIGHT NOW!!!
May the Lord hold your hand tightly.
Bless
May the Lord hold your hand tightly.
Bless
Hey Kaye!
Boy, do I feel for you! I've been smothered in platitudes and joined more grief support groups than I'd care to admit. I want to share just two small thoughts with you today, both of which were offered me under similar circumstances.
First, don't let anyone—including your "inner committee"—tell you there's a "right way" to grieve. You need support not nagging, and just as agonizing as withdrawal, grief simply takes time. There are no short cuts. The good news is you possess the inner strength to pull it off. My al-anon sponsor used to tell me I needed to apply the three G's to my relationship with myself in order to give it a chance—Get off my back, Get out of my way and Get on with my own life. Food for thought anyhow!
Finally, probably the greatest possible provider of relief for you through this is sitting right under your nose: the twelfth step. You rose from misery so quickly in early recovery by reaching out and being incredibly helpful to countless others. Use the gift you have and you'll discover moments of peace when you least expect them. What's that line from the St. Francis prayer, "...It is by self-forgetting that one finds..."
Anyhow, at the end of the day, just hang in there, keep showing up and if you don't pick up, it gets different.
Boy, do I feel for you! I've been smothered in platitudes and joined more grief support groups than I'd care to admit. I want to share just two small thoughts with you today, both of which were offered me under similar circumstances.
First, don't let anyone—including your "inner committee"—tell you there's a "right way" to grieve. You need support not nagging, and just as agonizing as withdrawal, grief simply takes time. There are no short cuts. The good news is you possess the inner strength to pull it off. My al-anon sponsor used to tell me I needed to apply the three G's to my relationship with myself in order to give it a chance—Get off my back, Get out of my way and Get on with my own life. Food for thought anyhow!
Finally, probably the greatest possible provider of relief for you through this is sitting right under your nose: the twelfth step. You rose from misery so quickly in early recovery by reaching out and being incredibly helpful to countless others. Use the gift you have and you'll discover moments of peace when you least expect them. What's that line from the St. Francis prayer, "...It is by self-forgetting that one finds..."
Anyhow, at the end of the day, just hang in there, keep showing up and if you don't pick up, it gets different.
I won't give you platitudes. You are hurting really badly, and that is totally normal. It is horrible to lose a loved one under any circumstances. Please know that I believe, without reservation, that while Joe is gone from his earthly body, his consciousness, his soul, the special thing that made him HIM, is eternal and can NEVER die.
We all end up in the same place, on different levels. You will see him again. Just not physically, not right now. I'm so sorry...I wish I could take some of the hurt from you and carry it myself for a while. Think about what how he wants you to be, and its okay to talk to him to. He can hear you...and I'm not being weird.
We're hear for you, honey. You have fierce spirits in your corner...Love, R.
We all end up in the same place, on different levels. You will see him again. Just not physically, not right now. I'm so sorry...I wish I could take some of the hurt from you and carry it myself for a while. Think about what how he wants you to be, and its okay to talk to him to. He can hear you...and I'm not being weird.
We're hear for you, honey. You have fierce spirits in your corner...Love, R.
Hi there, yeah i think going to a grief support group is a really good idea.
You really have to have people around you who understand what your going through.
I think "time" will be your best friend in the end.
I dony want to really say too much because this is a very gentle subject.
But i will say, im here for you always.
xoxo
You really have to have people around you who understand what your going through.
I think "time" will be your best friend in the end.
I dony want to really say too much because this is a very gentle subject.
But i will say, im here for you always.
xoxo
Oh PK, you are so new to all of this. 2 weeks is really no time at all during grief. Please don't expect very much of yourself right now.
I am so glad you are going to a grief support group. I wish I had done that.
There is a great support site that I found called Widowed Village. It has chat rooms, blogs, all sorts of great resources. It is very large so there are people who have been widowed for days, months and years.
If you go into the chat rooms, make sure you tell them you are new and they will help you.
It's widowedvillage.org I hope you check it out and that it brings you some comfort.
Hugs
I am so glad you are going to a grief support group. I wish I had done that.
There is a great support site that I found called Widowed Village. It has chat rooms, blogs, all sorts of great resources. It is very large so there are people who have been widowed for days, months and years.
If you go into the chat rooms, make sure you tell them you are new and they will help you.
It's widowedvillage.org I hope you check it out and that it brings you some comfort.
Hugs
I just noticed I'm still talking about Joe in the present tense...I guess I still haven't accepted. I have put off picking the Urns up but maybe I better...I HAVE to accept that he is gone or I won't ever get better...right? Please tell me I'm right ... God I hope I'm right...but I fear the added pain at the same time and I also think "God Joe would hate being at that place he would want to be home with me"
And yes, I'm going to go to a grief support group starting next week. First I have to be able to drive without crying...I haven't managed to do that yet because the group is in Fairhope...right in the same complex where I always had to take Joe for his doctors, his rehabs, his physical therapies ... I'm trying to see if I can find another one that won't put me smack dab in the middle of memories.
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