Coming clean.....

[WannaBeFree79]

I need to confess, I relapsed yet again.  The suboxone was too strong and I did well without it for about 4 days or so.  Felt better without it.  The minor withdrawal from the sub was nothing, it was barely noticable.  Then the depression hit me hard and I relapsed.  

I have an appointment with my addiction specialist on the 26th to hopefully start on some anti depressants.  I did have depression prior to abusing pain killers, so I am hoping that will help some.  I know it takes 4-6 weeks for them to work which seems like a lifetime away, but I am willing to give it a shot.

I am not giving up, I refuse to ever give up.  I will beat this someday.  I am still attending NA meetings and seeing my counselor which I never tried until just recently.  I really have hope and I know I can do this.  I can't do it if I have secrets though, which is why I felt the need to come clean.

WannaBeFree

[Radiostar55]

Thanks for coming clean..Be honest with yourself and your friends here is always Best!  My Doc told me most poeple who use opiates are depressed..After day 10 of w/d he started me on 20 mg of Celexa after 2 weeks upped to 40 mg..It really made the difference and belive it or not it stopped alot of my cravings.  Only side effect for me was diarhea after I up the dosage and Immodium AD helped with that. Take them during the day with something to eat say at lunch, because at first they made me a little jittery kinda wired, but not to bad. I'm 72 days clean and I know the ant-dep helped alot..YOU can do it!!!  Good Luck and Keep Posting

G

[bmdad]

Don't dwell on the relapse. You did the right thing by coming on here and letting everyone know. That is the only way you can get the support and encouragement of this forum. Your time will come and you will beat this once and for all. A couple of years ago when I went through withdrawals I got on a antidepressant and notice quite a difference within a week. Everyone is different when it comes to meds so hopefully yours will kick in just as fast!
Just keep fighting and moving forward. I agree with the above on the exercise, eating healthy, and the amino acid protocol. It all helps so much. So I would start the protocol right away. Just be careful with what you take while on a antidepressant. There are a few that can't be taken together. I believe it lets you know which ones in the amino acid protocol.
Stay positive and know that you will get there! Lean on us for support. We will always be here for you no matter what happens!
Best of luck to you!

Brian

[witsend0603]

Actually... I used to work for a psych clinic... most anti depressants take 10-14 days to get in your system well.. just wanted you to hear something more positive than what you were thinking... good luck

[emwave]

Have any of you tried following the amino acid protocol?  I use a "modified" version and it really has helped me.  I stopped taking the supplements and shakes for 4-5 days and really noticed depression and cravings.  So for me it helps a lot.  I also find that excercising daily does wonders.    
I took my last dose of methadone on December 31st and I'm really surprised that I haven't had a tougher time.  I also don't crave sweets -- I seem to crave healthy food.
Everyone is different -- I figured out that I had more than one type of deficiency (I have Gant's latest edition of "End Your Addiction Now") so I take supplements for both.  If anyone wants help trying to figure out what supplements would benefit them the most, feel free to contact me.

[WannaBeFree79]

Thank you for the prayers and strength James :)  You have been an inspiration to me since I joined this site.  Your posts have always touched my heart.  I am rooting for you too :)  

Good Luck & God Bless!

WannaBeFree

[WannaBeFree79]

That is just weird, its very similar.  My mom passed next month will be 3 years (an infection resulting from cancer treatment).  My dad is the very last person I told because I didn't want to disappoint him or for him to be mad.  I invited him over 2 weeks ago or so, sat him down, explained what was going on.  He said I love you, I support you, I would never judge you and I am glad your getting the help you need.  He calls everyday now just to see how I am feeling.  You would be suprised, that unconditional love parents have is remarkable.  If it were my kids I would be just as supportive and right there trying to help them.  

WannaBeFree

[stilltrying1965]

Dont beat yourself about it free,as it does not help us.You are here looking for help, and help you will get.Free you know what must be done get back on the horse to freedom.A s you know i was worlds worst for relapsing, but i new i would die if i did not stop.And that would not be very fair on my family.So i know that you can also do this. Free im sending you my strenth and prayres  Go get your freedom.....James

[moonshyne777]

Are you sure your not me??? Lol I also had only told my hubby and brothers. Now my grandmother knows and I have to build up the courage to tell my dad. I've been too afraid to since my mom was an addict and he spent years trying to get her clean and she died 5 years ago when her liver gave out. He now has a heart problem I just found out about and I'm scared telling him would cause him far too much stress. But once I taper off and am well into recovery I will tell him. We will do this and I pray to God that every addict recovering or suffering still finds peace within them that makes it ok to be in their own skin.

[WannaBeFree79]

Thank you for the support and prayers Cissy I really appreciate it and same to you :)  This forum has helped me tremendously.  There are so many people with so much knowledge.  When I first came here I remember everyone telling me aftercare aftercare.  I kept thinking I don't need it, I can do this on my own.  For anyone reading this post, I wish I would have listened a long time ago.  Aftercare is essential, we can't do it alone.  

God Bless!

WannaBeFree

[WannaBeFree79]

I agree, telling people was one of the best things I ever did.  I kept that secret for so long.  This last month I finally told everyone and it felt like a huge weight was lifted.  It also holds me more accountable for my actions and my family has been a huge support.  Prior to that only my hubby and my brother knew and I felt like the most awful person in the world hiding this from the rest of my family.  

Now I have help, my aunt watches my kids while I go to NA, everyone calls and checks on me to see how I am doing.  Their reaction was totally different than what I expected.  

I am doing things way different this time then I ever have before.  I have taken more steps in the past month then I have in 9 years.  Its going to happen, I am going to recover.  I want to look back someday and think wow look what I accomplished and help others do the same.

God Bless!

WannaBeFree

[Cissy373]

I am glad you posted, that is why I LOVE this forum, because of the support. I support you and I know many other's do as well, and hang in there were behind you. You are able to do this, and most would say, "who am I to talk," since I've relapsed so many time's I can't count them, but I do intend to win.

I need after care, the meetings I went to close to my home have moved and I need to find a new place to go.

I remember all the supportive word's you've given me and boy did they ever help, so in a way were a family here...........all in the same boat.

Prayers going up for you.

Cissy

[moonshyne777]

Your story and mine are almost identical. I also relapsed thanks to the depression, I also started an antidepressant and am working with my doc on a taper and going to NA. Keep going to those meetings, I think they can really help us not just get off pills but to recover. Like you said, not giving up. We will overcome this and be able to help other addicts overcome as well. I also struggle with secrets, I have had to make myself tell people I really didn't want to tell but when I expose my addiction it loses it's power bit by bit.