Aa
Confession time
I haven't been on here for a really long time because I am so very ashamed. I screwed up really bad this time, and I am beginning to think I am past the point of no return. I have a family friend who got in touch with me and at the time, I had no idea she was using hydros. Anyway after a few weeks of visiting and talking she told me. At the time I was having really bad issues with my brother and my olderst child was leaving for college. I blew it and started using again. It started out slowly, (like all addictions), but before I new it I was a full blown user again. I have been using since approximately 6 months ago, but I have been using ALOT and I need to stop. I have had this stupid stomach flu for a couple of days so I am basically going through the same symptoms of withdrawls and I decided to stop cold turkey since I was sick already. I am so scared my husband will find out right now. I have always been honest with him and he knows about my problem, just not the relapse. I am terrified he will not go through this again with me. I have been praying all morning, and I know it sounds stupid, but I really feel a wave if calm over me right now. The cold sweats have lessened and I am able to think clearly. I SWEAR I WILL DO IT THIS TIME.. I AM SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have read on here that people said clonidine helps with withdrawls. I have had a prescription for those for years for my high blood pressure, but I don't take them. If I take one will it help? I hope you guys don't hate me. I now have to go to my tracker and change it. I think that is the hardest part. When I see that number go back to one. On a good note, still no ambien and lunesta.
Have a good one, I will be on all day.
I have read on here that people said clonidine helps with withdrawls. I have had a prescription for those for years for my high blood pressure, but I don't take them. If I take one will it help? I hope you guys don't hate me. I now have to go to my tracker and change it. I think that is the hardest part. When I see that number go back to one. On a good note, still no ambien and lunesta.
Have a good one, I will be on all day.
Buddy, if you actually read my postings:
"Of course, if you are taking upwards of 20 pills a day, it makes sense to drop down to 15, then 10, ect. or whatever happens to work for you.
AND
"Up until the day you call it quits for good, do whatever you can to make your recovery something you feel you can accomplish."
Please take the time to read a long thread, and not criticize or judge. I did post earlier that you shouldnt taper without physican supervised Methadone or Suboxone, and tapering with your DOC is a horrible idea. BUT, I corrected myself and apologized in a later posting. Please make sure you dont just grab one piece of information without following our subsequent postings and responses.
I have heard from countless addiction specialists, MD's, and other recoved addicts that tapering down on your DOC is a very risky move. You are in essense assuming that YOU have control over the situation (the DRUG does), which is the exact OPPOSITE of the concept of addiction. If you can and have tapered successfully...GREAT! More power to you, but I do not think it is recovery until you are DONE, completely. Tapering is preperation for recovery, and can make quitting and w/d more manageable if you feel it is neccessary. The easiest move is not always the best though IMO.
People on these forums need to accept the fact that quitting is going to SUCK - plain and simple. We have to pay the price for our actions. Cold turkey will induce the most powerful w/d symptoms, but in the end, it is the quickest way to get off of opiates. There is so much info and remedies in these forums about how to deal with w/d. We all are just scared of the upcoming pain (INCLUDING ME).
Understand, opiate w/d is not like alcohol or benzo or barbituate w/d. IT ISNT GOING TO KILL YOU!!! I feel (and this is just me) that if you have 100% made up your mind to quit, you will make it through w/d, taper or cold turkey. Most of us are just sick of the game, so I say get your support system and remedies ready, grit your teeth, and fight through.
Fentynl_fanatic
"Of course, if you are taking upwards of 20 pills a day, it makes sense to drop down to 15, then 10, ect. or whatever happens to work for you.
AND
"Up until the day you call it quits for good, do whatever you can to make your recovery something you feel you can accomplish."
Please take the time to read a long thread, and not criticize or judge. I did post earlier that you shouldnt taper without physican supervised Methadone or Suboxone, and tapering with your DOC is a horrible idea. BUT, I corrected myself and apologized in a later posting. Please make sure you dont just grab one piece of information without following our subsequent postings and responses.
I have heard from countless addiction specialists, MD's, and other recoved addicts that tapering down on your DOC is a very risky move. You are in essense assuming that YOU have control over the situation (the DRUG does), which is the exact OPPOSITE of the concept of addiction. If you can and have tapered successfully...GREAT! More power to you, but I do not think it is recovery until you are DONE, completely. Tapering is preperation for recovery, and can make quitting and w/d more manageable if you feel it is neccessary. The easiest move is not always the best though IMO.
People on these forums need to accept the fact that quitting is going to SUCK - plain and simple. We have to pay the price for our actions. Cold turkey will induce the most powerful w/d symptoms, but in the end, it is the quickest way to get off of opiates. There is so much info and remedies in these forums about how to deal with w/d. We all are just scared of the upcoming pain (INCLUDING ME).
Understand, opiate w/d is not like alcohol or benzo or barbituate w/d. IT ISNT GOING TO KILL YOU!!! I feel (and this is just me) that if you have 100% made up your mind to quit, you will make it through w/d, taper or cold turkey. Most of us are just sick of the game, so I say get your support system and remedies ready, grit your teeth, and fight through.
Fentynl_fanatic
I don't understand telling someone they can't taper with Vicodin and must stop cold turkey. Plenty of people have tapered successfully using Vicodin. An opiate is an opiate, and to be honest, a Vicodin taper probaly would be much less distressing than one done with Suboxone and especially Methadone. In fact, if someone is attempting to taper, I'd much rather see them taper from their DOC than trying an opiate replacement med at first. Now, of course, there are exceptions. If you are taking an opiate via IV, then I think you'd be better off switching to Sub or Methadone and tapering from there (for nothing else than it reduces the risk of overdose).
Susan.........Get your butt back on here and let us know how your doing!!!! We miss ya!!! :) :) :)
~Fentynl_Fanatic
~Fentynl_Fanatic
You guys are so awesome! I can't talk to my hubby about this until I am further along and a little calmer with my thinking. If not, I will spout some stupid **** outta mu mouth and we all know that once it is out, you can't put it back in. I would rather wait until I can mentally handle a rational conversation with him. Anyway, since I can't talk to him, I will do the next best thing and talk to you guys. All our computers at school have smart filter on them so i won't be able to post at school but I will as soon as I get home, unless I can figure out how to get the app on my backberry. I feel safe at school so pray for me from 3:00 pm to 6:00 am everyday.
Love You guys,
Susan
Love You guys,
Susan
God its great to read everyones postingI've got myself in a jam also.. I like what fentyl fanatic was saying. The more I focus on the negative the stronger it becomes. But the problem is I am insane at this moment. My brain is not my friend right now. I have been considering going into rehab but there are so many complications, not to mention dollars. I am not sure what I am going to do. Addiction/alcoholism is a horrible disease.We have paid dearly. I know it can be done up until a few years ago I was clean and sober for over 10 years. I am gona do it again. Its so very comforting to read everyones post. In my prayers to night I will remember all of you.
Red
Red
Hey lady , good to see you again ! I remember you from my first time here . Look I can't really add what everyone has already told you but I can tell you this is my second go around so I know all about relapse . Don't be so hard on yourself . This time just do something more that will keep you away from hydro Hell ! I am on day 30 and besides the anxiety I feel physically feel much stronger then I have in a longtime . This time I am going to stay here even after all the withdrawl symtoms are gone . I do believe thats where I went wrong the first time . I really never used heavy but enough to cause all this misery for myself . But abuse is abuse and I now know that well . Stay with us and we will help you get your life back . talk to you soon Jimmy
Hey there! Don't beat yourself up, just pick yourself up and know that relapse is part of recovery. Look forward and know that you can do this. Just an FYI and I am not a physician but I have been prescribed Clonidine for w/d before and it made me more calm and sleeping much easier. I don't normally have high blood pressure. As always, check with your doc but it helped me A LOT! Good luck and we are all here helping you move forward. Just get it over with (w/d) and look forward and know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You are not unique in relapse, it happens to many, many addicts. Good luck!
I forgot to mention, after being tired and clouded from the Clonidine, I was WIRED for about a week... and I lost like 7 pounds. I think my BP was sky high and my heart rate was through the roof.. so again, just be careful not to take too much, like me!
You don't need to beat yourself up... just get back on that wagon! Relapse is very common and the important thing is, you have realized it fairly quickly and you want to stop again.
I took Clonidine and only Clonidine during my first WD a while back... YES it helped me get through some very painful WD's. It was the only thing that got me through, I felt. It helps big time, but it makes you very very tired. It helped with diariah, and nausea... I used a lot during day 1 and 2 of my WD, but day 3 and 4 SUCKED because I was so clouded from the Clonidine. Dry mouth, tired, out of it....
Xanax is addictnig too, so be careful, but it's really a wonder drug when you WD off narcotics for the first few days. I monitored my BP while taking the Clonidine, and took about 10 in one day... sounds like a lot, but my doc said it was okay as long as my BP didn't get too low. Last time I went through WD, I only used Xanax and it was 100000 times better. I hadn't been back on them as long, so I'm sure that contributed, but by day 3 I was out walking around.
My suggestion is to not take as much as I did... because it made me feel worse coming out of it, but maybe if you can take a few per day, while monitoring your BP and Xanax, just for the first 3-4 days - that'd probably work good.
I took Clonidine and only Clonidine during my first WD a while back... YES it helped me get through some very painful WD's. It was the only thing that got me through, I felt. It helps big time, but it makes you very very tired. It helped with diariah, and nausea... I used a lot during day 1 and 2 of my WD, but day 3 and 4 SUCKED because I was so clouded from the Clonidine. Dry mouth, tired, out of it....
Xanax is addictnig too, so be careful, but it's really a wonder drug when you WD off narcotics for the first few days. I monitored my BP while taking the Clonidine, and took about 10 in one day... sounds like a lot, but my doc said it was okay as long as my BP didn't get too low. Last time I went through WD, I only used Xanax and it was 100000 times better. I hadn't been back on them as long, so I'm sure that contributed, but by day 3 I was out walking around.
My suggestion is to not take as much as I did... because it made me feel worse coming out of it, but maybe if you can take a few per day, while monitoring your BP and Xanax, just for the first 3-4 days - that'd probably work good.
I AM SOOOOO PROUD OF YOU!!!! Your posting made my day! Could you possibly change your number so in a moment of weakness you dont pick up? Just a thought. When you said:
"No one can MAKE us feel bad about ourself, we choose to feel that way."
When I read that, I just KNEW you are starting to make the transformation! I was a little to pushy before, I KNOW, and it does take baby steps, but read your earler posts, you have made a ton of progress already, whether you see it or not. I see it!
Clonidine will help tremendously, it is a great support medication. Keep taking your B vitimins, mabye an amino acid supplement, and try to get ANY physical activity you can, it will help to release those good ol' NATURAL endorphins God gave us! Warm baths, a massage if you can get one (I wish I could, my BONES literally ache today), and keep feeding your brain those positive messages. The worst thing we can do is sit and dwell and ruminate about our situations and how tough it is. When you complete your journey, these trying times will make you such a stronger person, you have no idea.
I have all the faith in the world for you, keep up the good work, I will check this thread again later, hopefully you can let us know how your doing!
Remember, its OK to feel guilt and shame, as long as you realize YOU are creating those feelings. They dont just magically pop up. I like to think of it this way, if you have the power to make yourself feel bad feelings (which I am definately good at!), then doesn't it stand to reason that you can make yourself feel good positive feeling? It just feels so un-natural at first, I know. Any positive change is going to be hard work and take practice, otherwise everyone would do it!
YOU ROCK GIRL!!!
God bless,
Fentynl_Fanatic
"No one can MAKE us feel bad about ourself, we choose to feel that way."
When I read that, I just KNEW you are starting to make the transformation! I was a little to pushy before, I KNOW, and it does take baby steps, but read your earler posts, you have made a ton of progress already, whether you see it or not. I see it!
Clonidine will help tremendously, it is a great support medication. Keep taking your B vitimins, mabye an amino acid supplement, and try to get ANY physical activity you can, it will help to release those good ol' NATURAL endorphins God gave us! Warm baths, a massage if you can get one (I wish I could, my BONES literally ache today), and keep feeding your brain those positive messages. The worst thing we can do is sit and dwell and ruminate about our situations and how tough it is. When you complete your journey, these trying times will make you such a stronger person, you have no idea.
I have all the faith in the world for you, keep up the good work, I will check this thread again later, hopefully you can let us know how your doing!
Remember, its OK to feel guilt and shame, as long as you realize YOU are creating those feelings. They dont just magically pop up. I like to think of it this way, if you have the power to make yourself feel bad feelings (which I am definately good at!), then doesn't it stand to reason that you can make yourself feel good positive feeling? It just feels so un-natural at first, I know. Any positive change is going to be hard work and take practice, otherwise everyone would do it!
YOU ROCK GIRL!!!
God bless,
Fentynl_Fanatic
I do not have any put back. That is why I have spent so much and taken so much lately. I can't keep them around. IF they are here, I WILL take them. I have to do it cold turkey. I didn't have anything all day Saturday and I took a .05 mg of clonidine (half of a .1 mg) and I didn't have any chills and sweats. I have been home sick for a week with this flu that is going around so I am thinking I will feel al little better when I get out of the house and get back to work.
My niece texted me all day yesterday and I just ignored all of them. This is a first. So I hope I am on the right track. I just have to get this guilt under control and move on. I keep remembering a quote I heard, "No one can MAKE us feel bad about ourself, we choose to feel that way."
My niece texted me all day yesterday and I just ignored all of them. This is a first. So I hope I am on the right track. I just have to get this guilt under control and move on. I keep remembering a quote I heard, "No one can MAKE us feel bad about ourself, we choose to feel that way."
COMMUNITY LEADER
I understand what you are saying here. In the early stages of recovery we have to take baby steps otherwise it is too overwhelming. We have to work thru the negative feelings to get to the positive ones. For me i have to break each one down and work thru them. Trying to deal with it all at once would of been to much. Recovery is about change and that takes time. Aftercare is so very important to our success. sara
I just want to say a final message here. What I say sounds crazy because we all have never tried it, and it takes practice. Hell, not too long ago it was hersey to proclaim the world was round!
I dont expect miracles in myself or anyone else. I have had a messed up way of thinking for 26 years, and it wont change overnight. Everything we have in our lives at this moment began with a thought. Change your thinking, your change your world ! It IS ok to be regretful and depressed, as long as YOU are ok with that, I feel I should have said that before, and I am sorry. I understand what I say may seem very unrealistic in our lives right now. "Just be positive" I say, and I can hear everyone saying, "sure, thats easier said than done Tony Robbins" LOL Believe me, I understand. Nursegirl6572, I in no way meant any disrespect by my previous postings, you were right.
I'm not trying to be preachy to anyone here. My God, I am sorry if I come across that way. If anyone feels like I judged them, I am so sorry. Realize, I TOO am going through Suboxone W/D. If I can find a way to feel positive about my situation, believe me, anyone can. I haven't met anyone here who has even been addicted to IV Fentenyl, THANK GOD It is stronger than heroin drop for drop. I had unlimited, free access. My doc told me if I hadn't been caught by the hospital i worked at, I would have been dead in 2 weeks. My detox from Fentynl involved seizures, 4 week hospitalization, heart arrythmias, a bowel obstruction, and tooth decay from so much vomit. Tried suicide 3 times. Im am no better than anyone.
I just want you all to know I care very deeply about all of you. If you got somthing that works for you and your healthy, happy, and clean, God Bless you and your effort. Have a great night everyone, tomorrow is a new day, embrace it as the first day of the rest of you life!
All my love and respect,
Your spacey spiritual friend,
~Fentynl_Fanatic
I dont expect miracles in myself or anyone else. I have had a messed up way of thinking for 26 years, and it wont change overnight. Everything we have in our lives at this moment began with a thought. Change your thinking, your change your world ! It IS ok to be regretful and depressed, as long as YOU are ok with that, I feel I should have said that before, and I am sorry. I understand what I say may seem very unrealistic in our lives right now. "Just be positive" I say, and I can hear everyone saying, "sure, thats easier said than done Tony Robbins" LOL Believe me, I understand. Nursegirl6572, I in no way meant any disrespect by my previous postings, you were right.
I'm not trying to be preachy to anyone here. My God, I am sorry if I come across that way. If anyone feels like I judged them, I am so sorry. Realize, I TOO am going through Suboxone W/D. If I can find a way to feel positive about my situation, believe me, anyone can. I haven't met anyone here who has even been addicted to IV Fentenyl, THANK GOD It is stronger than heroin drop for drop. I had unlimited, free access. My doc told me if I hadn't been caught by the hospital i worked at, I would have been dead in 2 weeks. My detox from Fentynl involved seizures, 4 week hospitalization, heart arrythmias, a bowel obstruction, and tooth decay from so much vomit. Tried suicide 3 times. Im am no better than anyone.
I just want you all to know I care very deeply about all of you. If you got somthing that works for you and your healthy, happy, and clean, God Bless you and your effort. Have a great night everyone, tomorrow is a new day, embrace it as the first day of the rest of you life!
All my love and respect,
Your spacey spiritual friend,
~Fentynl_Fanatic
I feel I need to clarify. I understand Suxone or Methadone is not an option for alot of people. Personally, in my experience, I wouldn't have used Suboxone at all. I have been on it for 457 days now, and am just starting to see the end in sight. All I did was replace one drug with a "legal" version of another. Psychologically, that has been a major issue for me to overcome. Of course, if you are taking upwards of 20 pills a day, it makes sense to drop down to 15, then 10, ect. or whatever happens to work for you. I don not believe that is recovery though, it is preparation for recovery, and a great idea if you want to lessen the effects of W/D. Up until the day you call it quits for good, do whatever you can to make your recovery something you feel you can accomplish.
My point was, and this is where I think I was misunderstood, was that once you start complete sobriety and face the W/D that is ahead of you, I do not feel it beneficial to have any opiate substance around to "ease the pain." I think we can all agree that as addicts, we have all lost complete sense of "self-control," so why should we think it will be different trying to get off our DOC? Once we quit, we are supposed to have made the commitment to use other avenues of support. If you happen to disagree, that is fine, I respect that.
"There IS going to be regret and depression, no matter HOW positive we want to feel"
Well, I know one thing, that is of course going to be true for you at least because you believe it to be. I feel that is an attitude that puts us on the "effect" end of life, without any control. I am trying to get to the "cause" end where I am in charge of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I refuse to be a victim to how I think I "should" feel. I have done that my whole life, and it has never done me an ounce of good. Your statement proves what I have been saying all along. I think it is a self defeating attitude. I refuse to wallow and dwell on what I lost and all the negativity that was my life back then. That does not mean I choose not to learn from it. Yes, regret and depression are legitimate feelings, and no human on earth has gone through this process without feeling them including me. What I am asking you to realize is that ultimately it is a choice. We all in some way enjoy a little self-pity.
If you want to ascribe a completely positive meaning to your depression and regret, by all means do it, and mabye that is our common ground. I CHOOSE to not focus on anything I don't want, because I know in the end I will only end up bringing more of that into my life, and for me that has made all the difference.
I am sorry, I don't mean any disrespect, I am having a rough day as it is. I understand not many people will agree with me, and that is because we are all are so used to the way we have been thinking our whole lives. To me, recovery meant a complete change in the way I view myself and the world around me, and I will leave it at that. I personally do not wish to debate this theory anymore. I respect you and your opinion. Believe me.
My point was, and this is where I think I was misunderstood, was that once you start complete sobriety and face the W/D that is ahead of you, I do not feel it beneficial to have any opiate substance around to "ease the pain." I think we can all agree that as addicts, we have all lost complete sense of "self-control," so why should we think it will be different trying to get off our DOC? Once we quit, we are supposed to have made the commitment to use other avenues of support. If you happen to disagree, that is fine, I respect that.
"There IS going to be regret and depression, no matter HOW positive we want to feel"
Well, I know one thing, that is of course going to be true for you at least because you believe it to be. I feel that is an attitude that puts us on the "effect" end of life, without any control. I am trying to get to the "cause" end where I am in charge of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I refuse to be a victim to how I think I "should" feel. I have done that my whole life, and it has never done me an ounce of good. Your statement proves what I have been saying all along. I think it is a self defeating attitude. I refuse to wallow and dwell on what I lost and all the negativity that was my life back then. That does not mean I choose not to learn from it. Yes, regret and depression are legitimate feelings, and no human on earth has gone through this process without feeling them including me. What I am asking you to realize is that ultimately it is a choice. We all in some way enjoy a little self-pity.
If you want to ascribe a completely positive meaning to your depression and regret, by all means do it, and mabye that is our common ground. I CHOOSE to not focus on anything I don't want, because I know in the end I will only end up bringing more of that into my life, and for me that has made all the difference.
I am sorry, I don't mean any disrespect, I am having a rough day as it is. I understand not many people will agree with me, and that is because we are all are so used to the way we have been thinking our whole lives. To me, recovery meant a complete change in the way I view myself and the world around me, and I will leave it at that. I personally do not wish to debate this theory anymore. I respect you and your opinion. Believe me.
I just have to comment on this....
"You should not taper with anything but physician supervised suboxone or methadone. If you don't have Suboxone, you have to simply stop. Tapering with Vicodin is a horrible idea."
I totally disagree that a person shouldn't taper with their DOC...and should ONLY taper using Sub.
Yes, tapering with a DOC takes some serious self control...but also...Sub may not be an option for a lot of people....due to money alone. To me...the manner in which recovery happens isn't nearly as important as the aftercare and support they receive.
Fentanyl...I know you only have the best of intentions...and your posts are very uplifting...but people going thru recovery have to be honest with themselves too. Positive thinking is great...but part of recovery is the bad stuff too....for instance...thinking about how much a person spent on their addiction. You'd view that as negative thinking and to not "allow yourself" to beat yourself up. Sometimes those processes are just as vital as the detox itself. There IS going to be regret and depression, no matter HOW positive we want to feel...and working thru those feelings is a HUGE part of the process, IMO. We cannot just force ourselves to think positively and pretend all of those bad feelings dont exist. I'm sorry, it is just unrealistic.
Lady...I know you are in a vulnerable place right now, and especially when it comes to your hubby...you fear losing him will just knock you down that much more...and let's be honest...loved ones of addicts DO have their breaking points.....sometimes enough is enough for them....so you do what you need to at this moment.....and I agree that coming clean to him when maybe you're in a better place may be the best thing. I would never say that you shouldn't tell him at all...but I also understand that the reality of losing him is very real....and of course you have to think of those kinds of things.
Keep doing what you're doing, it's a long road...but with support and perserverance...you'll make it.
"You should not taper with anything but physician supervised suboxone or methadone. If you don't have Suboxone, you have to simply stop. Tapering with Vicodin is a horrible idea."
I totally disagree that a person shouldn't taper with their DOC...and should ONLY taper using Sub.
Yes, tapering with a DOC takes some serious self control...but also...Sub may not be an option for a lot of people....due to money alone. To me...the manner in which recovery happens isn't nearly as important as the aftercare and support they receive.
Fentanyl...I know you only have the best of intentions...and your posts are very uplifting...but people going thru recovery have to be honest with themselves too. Positive thinking is great...but part of recovery is the bad stuff too....for instance...thinking about how much a person spent on their addiction. You'd view that as negative thinking and to not "allow yourself" to beat yourself up. Sometimes those processes are just as vital as the detox itself. There IS going to be regret and depression, no matter HOW positive we want to feel...and working thru those feelings is a HUGE part of the process, IMO. We cannot just force ourselves to think positively and pretend all of those bad feelings dont exist. I'm sorry, it is just unrealistic.
Lady...I know you are in a vulnerable place right now, and especially when it comes to your hubby...you fear losing him will just knock you down that much more...and let's be honest...loved ones of addicts DO have their breaking points.....sometimes enough is enough for them....so you do what you need to at this moment.....and I agree that coming clean to him when maybe you're in a better place may be the best thing. I would never say that you shouldn't tell him at all...but I also understand that the reality of losing him is very real....and of course you have to think of those kinds of things.
Keep doing what you're doing, it's a long road...but with support and perserverance...you'll make it.
I'm sorry, I am REALLY trying to get the lengths of my postings down! I am very passionate about these issues and our recoveries, sometimes I just start typing and dont realize I have written a novel until I look up 15 minutes later!!!
You GOTTA get that niece out of your life at all costs. We addicts have a hard enough time with the tempting voices in our own heads, much less when it comes from the outside. Change your number, get a restraining order, ANYTHING! Any human being who knowingly trys to prevent someone from recovering from drug addiction is pathetic, and I am sorry if that offends you, but when I read your posting and what she said to you, it made me sick. This isn't a game like she sees it - IT IS YOUR LIFE.
Also hun, PLEASE make sure you have absolutely NO access to ANY opiates. I have a feeling you might have some to aid in W/D. If you have some in the house, and are beginning your recovery and sobriety today, you are not commited 100% or being honest with yourself, I am truly sorry if that comes across as rude, I am trying to help, I promise. The only reason you would have to keep pills in the house is if a part of you, and it only has to be 0.00001%, wanted to have them there as a crutch in case W/D get too hard. You can't have any idea of failure in your body. I failed 7 times that way when I was addicted to pills 4 years ago. Each W/D attempt I had a few pills in the house for "emergencies." Of course you are going to rationalize an "emergency" during W/D!!! Us addicts rationalize anything & everything! When I cleaned out everything on the 8th time - I made it out. You should not taper with anything but physician supervised suboxone or methadone. If you don't have Suboxone, you have to simply stop. Tapering with Vicodin is a horrible idea. but you are free to do as you choose. Sure, its possible and has been done, but we are here to give you support so you have the BEST chance at recovery. The day you begin your sobriety, you create a wall behind you and need to completely leave everything behind. Use all the remedies and support here to tough it on through. Everything will be OK!
~Fentynl_Fanatic
Also hun, PLEASE make sure you have absolutely NO access to ANY opiates. I have a feeling you might have some to aid in W/D. If you have some in the house, and are beginning your recovery and sobriety today, you are not commited 100% or being honest with yourself, I am truly sorry if that comes across as rude, I am trying to help, I promise. The only reason you would have to keep pills in the house is if a part of you, and it only has to be 0.00001%, wanted to have them there as a crutch in case W/D get too hard. You can't have any idea of failure in your body. I failed 7 times that way when I was addicted to pills 4 years ago. Each W/D attempt I had a few pills in the house for "emergencies." Of course you are going to rationalize an "emergency" during W/D!!! Us addicts rationalize anything & everything! When I cleaned out everything on the 8th time - I made it out. You should not taper with anything but physician supervised suboxone or methadone. If you don't have Suboxone, you have to simply stop. Tapering with Vicodin is a horrible idea. but you are free to do as you choose. Sure, its possible and has been done, but we are here to give you support so you have the BEST chance at recovery. The day you begin your sobriety, you create a wall behind you and need to completely leave everything behind. Use all the remedies and support here to tough it on through. Everything will be OK!
~Fentynl_Fanatic
Congrats on your first day of freedom again:) Its ok to be weak, but it's not ok to use. You will feel so much better in a few days and we are here for support. Hope your feeling better soon lady
COMMUNITY LEADER
You know this is a safe place for you and we are always here to help. Dont forget to take vitamins or the amino acids and get out and get some exercise. Are you going to do anything with aftercare? I hope you will as it really is vital to our recovery. Keep posting and welcome home lady......You can do this!!!! Stay strong and stay true to yourself. sara
It is good to see someone who understands what I mean about coming clean with the hubby, I am also a VERY impatient person. I tend to fly off the handle and say and do something stupid. I don't want to do that, I want to do it right this time.
Last night I took my last hydros, so I am determined this time. I haven't gotten them from a MD for the past year because of the letter I had put in my chart, requesting nothing be prescribed to me. I still feel safe there, I just have to find a way to break the ties with my niece because she can always get me what I need. I kinda got pi$$ed at her yesterday when I told her that I was quitting this time and she "no you aren't, I know you too well." Basically she has no faith in me, and I can see why. I also must admit she was my downfall. I was going along great until she moved back to my hometown. She has absolutely no intentions of stopping and I know for a fact that she uses alot more than hydros. I have never used anything other than the hydros and the sleeping pills. I have been off the sleeping pills for 20 months now and I have no desire to use those again. But my niece even made the statement that she wanted me to take something and get really messed up and I would never want to quit. That told me right then to get the he!! out of there and not have any further contact with her.
So, I took my last pill yesterday and everytime I feel the need to call her to get something, I am going to get on here and talk to my "true" friends.
Thanks Guys
Last night I took my last hydros, so I am determined this time. I haven't gotten them from a MD for the past year because of the letter I had put in my chart, requesting nothing be prescribed to me. I still feel safe there, I just have to find a way to break the ties with my niece because she can always get me what I need. I kinda got pi$$ed at her yesterday when I told her that I was quitting this time and she "no you aren't, I know you too well." Basically she has no faith in me, and I can see why. I also must admit she was my downfall. I was going along great until she moved back to my hometown. She has absolutely no intentions of stopping and I know for a fact that she uses alot more than hydros. I have never used anything other than the hydros and the sleeping pills. I have been off the sleeping pills for 20 months now and I have no desire to use those again. But my niece even made the statement that she wanted me to take something and get really messed up and I would never want to quit. That told me right then to get the he!! out of there and not have any further contact with her.
So, I took my last pill yesterday and everytime I feel the need to call her to get something, I am going to get on here and talk to my "true" friends.
Thanks Guys
Nah, he isn't a computer guy, and when he comes in from work, he is so tired he can't sit down without falling asleep. I promise you guys I will talk to him about it and I will be totally honest with him, I just don't know if I can handle his reaction and go through withdrawls at the same time.
Thank you guys for the kind words and comments. I am going to try my best to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on. This morning when I started thinking about the amount of money I have spent on the drugs, I literally hated myself. I was always able to say before that I never bought the pills off the street or from a dealer, but I can't say that this time. I spent more money than I can even imagine. When I started thinking about it, I ended up getting mad at myself and popping a d@mn pill, or should I say several of them.
I truly appreciate the words and those of you who think I should immediately talk to my hubby about it. I do know that it will make me feel so much better by being honest with him, but he has gone through this with me a couple of times, and the last time, he said it would be the last time. He said no matter how much he loved me, he couldn't do it again. I am definately going to be honest with him, but I feel like I need to show him progress before I tell him. If I do tell him now, our relationship may end and I can't stand the thought of losing him. He has been in my life for 27 years and I know if I lose him, I will go off the deep end completely. I did start a journal a few nights ago in which I was totally listing all my feelings and honestly writing how much I used and why I felt like I had to take something. When I get over the withdrawls, I am going to sit him down and give him the journal and let him read it and see where my mind is.
Everyone's advice was good and I thank you for it, but I know this man and I know that he is serious. I think if I tell him now while I am trying to go through the withdrawls, the emotions will be high and I don't want to say something I shouldn't and I don't want to blame him for any of it. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Well, I gotta run to the grocery store so I will catch you guys later tonight.
I truly appreciate the words and those of you who think I should immediately talk to my hubby about it. I do know that it will make me feel so much better by being honest with him, but he has gone through this with me a couple of times, and the last time, he said it would be the last time. He said no matter how much he loved me, he couldn't do it again. I am definately going to be honest with him, but I feel like I need to show him progress before I tell him. If I do tell him now, our relationship may end and I can't stand the thought of losing him. He has been in my life for 27 years and I know if I lose him, I will go off the deep end completely. I did start a journal a few nights ago in which I was totally listing all my feelings and honestly writing how much I used and why I felt like I had to take something. When I get over the withdrawls, I am going to sit him down and give him the journal and let him read it and see where my mind is.
Everyone's advice was good and I thank you for it, but I know this man and I know that he is serious. I think if I tell him now while I am trying to go through the withdrawls, the emotions will be high and I don't want to say something I shouldn't and I don't want to blame him for any of it. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Well, I gotta run to the grocery store so I will catch you guys later tonight.
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