Confused

[codeinewife]

Hello all.  I'm back with more questions, if anyone has time to answer them for me I would appreciate it.  First, for all of you Happy New Year, keep up the support of each other!  I think it's so great to see this board and all you do for each other.  It's like reading an NA meeting!  My soon to be ex is having severe depression.  He's been on who knows how much codeine he says since 2000 and that's it been "out of control" the last few years.  He also stole a bunch of vicodin from a neighbor a few years ago, so I don't really know what other meds are involved.  Anyhow, we are divorcing (I asked for divorce before I knew about the addiction).  He cries and pleads for me to help him through this and that he just needs me.  I ask him what he needs me to do and he just reiterates that he just needs me.  I don't see him doing anything to really help himself.  I'm having such a hard time with this.  I go to therapy, NA and alanon, read at this and other boards, etc. to help myself and feel pretty strong for the most part and understand only he can help himself.  I just wonder if this is normal?  Is this what they call "addict behavior"?  Also, he was looking at quite a bit of porn (meantime hadn't come near me in years) - did he just look at porn or are the chances that he had someone else since we hadn't had sex since 2004, and before that not much.  I just get so confused about all this.  I'm trying to understand this life that I was living with that I didn't know about.   Am I helping by staying strong, making sure that I don't make it easy on him to help him have better resolve to help himself?  I don't want to stay married to him anymore, but I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to be manipulated either.  Again - thanks for listening/reading and any reality input is greatly appreciated - but you know, I know you all come first with each other and you should - so thanks!

[codeinewife]

One more thing.  I just feel very naive.  I have faith in people.  I take them at their word.  I don't look for the "real" story behind everything.  In general, I don't think (obviously don't know) that I have been lied to by a lot of people in my life.  Just my husband.

[codeinewife]

Thank you strictlyforpain.  Just so you know, I don't want to be married to him anymore.  That's it.  We never had a great relationship, at least not one I wanted, but I used to be a "fixer" - I have since learned this means codependent, but I have been working on myself for years, and I finally said enough.  It was about 3 weeks after I said I wanted a divorce I found out about the codeine abuse.  Funny thing is, I felt like the porn was enough to say I want out of the marriage and him out of this house, but I was so worried he would think I was telling him he was dirty or wrong for the porn and get stuck on that and feeling bad about himself - I was worried he wouldn't get the point that it was hurtful to me for so many obvious reason - so I'm the one that went upstairs, etc. Anyhow - I need some honest answers about what narcotics, codeine and that family in particular, do to men and how much is "normal", including the withdrawals and the emotions, etc.  I didn't know what I was living with, as I said, and now I'd like to at least understand in all honesty, as much as possible, just what was my marriage.  Again, I know I can't fix it, I know I am going to walk away and work on myself, etc.  Believe me, I'm doing that and it feels good.  I didn't know about the porn, I didn't know about the pills, I was unhappy in my marriage and cried and begged for what I needed to no avail.  We had an old dog and so I just concentrated on him, work, friends, my own life.  When the dog went, there was nothing to tie us - he was our "kid".  Now I want to know, what the heck has he really been doing?  I have no idea - some places say codeine lowers the sex drive.  Well, that much and then what's the porn about - no sex for over 3 years?  Then other sites say narcotics, including codeine, lower inhibitions so chances or promiscuity outside of relationships is more common, etc.  Emotionally he is trying to kill me, I'm staying strong, but is this normal in withdrawal or is he "over the top" with serious issues that his family should get him to a Dr. or is he just doing what a codeine addict does?   Ramble ramble.  If I had known all these years I was married to an addict, I think I slowly would have started understanding what behaviors and such were brought on by the pills and which ones were not - but I'm basically trying to get up to speed in 3 months!  Thanks for helping!  It really does help.

[strictlyforpain]

I'm a husband. Deeply in love with my wife. About as strongly attracted to her sexually as you can be and I love everything about my life. That has not always been the case (except the sex part). I don't think I'm an addict of Percocet but I'm afraid of the drug so I'm here for support which mind-blowingly has just been unreal. UNREAL!!! I feel like a prince here and I've done nothing to deserve it at all.

I think I know exactly how you feel, he feels and I'm willing to honestly answer any deep questions you have. I come from a strongly Christian background. I will never, not even once bring that up or push that on you in the least. I'm only mentioning that because that's the context that any of my answers will be authored from. I'm not one of those weirdo ones that believes I have to convert anyone or that those who don't believe what I believe are evil and to be avoided. I have tons of friends who are not what I am and frankly I enjoy their company more than other "believers" except my wife. I simply *CANNOT* say enough about my wife. She's unreal but that's not what you want to hear.

Anyway. You know where I'm coming from and I think I know where you are coming from. I'd be very happy and extremely honest in answering your questions if you have anything specific to ask.

Porn is worse than the worst addiction. It's very hard to shake and by no means does it imply that he is maritally unfaithful. I have struggled with it and my wife has the body of a ... well anyway. I could stare at pictures of my wife all day long and just drool but I still can be tempted by soft, very soft-core porn. I say tempted. I fight it very hard. So I don't believe it implies an affair. But no sex for 3 years implies something bizarre. If I went without sex for 3 years I'd need something to cope that's for sure.

When you say you don't want to be married do you mean to the addict or even to the man who *was* before the addict? If you don't want to be married to the addict then stay but kick his head in. He needs you to lovingly kick his @$$ and show him that he is yours and out of love you demand he get his act cleaned up. He's slacking on you. He is very lazy and the odds are he is escaping something he has no desire to deal with. I think tough love is ripe for the picking.

Anwyay, if I can help please let me know.

[codeinewife]

I appreciate the support, and I obviously agree.  I just am trying to  make some sense out of something I knew nothing about, and lived with without knowing about it and now, I feel this need to understand what I was living with.  It doesn't change anything I realize, I just want to know.  Maybe that doesn't make sense, but I feel like it would give me some peace.  Anyhow, support, what the real deal is, etc.  It's all appreciated and I thank you.

[Clamity2]

Gee Dyblue said it in a different way than I would have but I have to agree. I am a Christian and think people should try to stay married but....  if he is cheating on you with pron then that is a pretty big slap in the face. Who knows, down the road he may get clean easier without you enabling him.

[dyblue]

   He probably hasn't been able to get it up.  Get out and forget about him.  I'm forgetting about my 14 year marriage cause it isn't happening my husbands leaving me and I don't need to take codiene anymore because I'm not dulling the pain no more.  Some times thing s don't workout he sounds codepent to me thats only because I'm recovering from that .  Life is too short and if he's not loving you  like a man what do you want him for quys looking at porn turns me right off my husband hasn't touched me either .  Start living doesn't sound like fun to me no use flonging a dead horse or a dead marriage.  You are not responsiblle for hurting him he's doing a pretty good job himself Let him have his opiates and porn.  Start living sweetheart I am.