Day 1 (again)...

[MIkanik]

Just looking for a little "light at the end of a tunnel" kind of thing.  Even advice is SO appreciated!  
I stopped c/t two weeks (approx) ago and on day 8 relapsed.  This was after a 3 month binge of Tramadol and Lortab.  I did do a very quick (forced) "taper" as I only had so many pills left and for the last 3 days took only half a L-tab 10mg 3 x's a day.  Today...nothing..only because it's not available.  I'm assuming my withdrawals aren't going to be quite as severe as my first detox/withdrawal a year ago after 6 months (I had to go to the ER).  The last detox wasn't nearly as bad either....just achy, nauseated, and depressed.  I don't even know why I went back on day 8!  I was actually starting to feel physically great compared to the onset of withdrawals symptoms.  Even my mental state was quite a bit better, but I guess not quite good enough.  I feel horrible that I've slipped.  No one knows....not my better half, mom, friends....I've been passing off the little "oogies" during the 3 day taper as "Something must be wrong with me, I'd better go to the Dr."  All the while knowing what's going on.  I just feel like such a loser...letting this happen AGAIN.  I do not want to go through those withdrawals again.....not even the "easier" one, it was still hell.  I can feel the depression creeping in and just dreading it.  Right now my plan is to fake till I make it.  I just had to voice this to someone.  

Thanks for letting me go on. <3

[MIkanik]

Thank you so much...everyone!  Those words will be stuck in my head more than you can imagine.  I'm so glad i found this board.  It's helped so much today.  I think I would have gone back to the substances if it weren't for this board.  I can't thank you enough!

[IwillDoThis]

Hurtin - that was really a lovely thing to say, I hope everyone who needs to hear these words today reads your post.  Courage is enduring for one more moment.  I am learning to live with pain and it's so hard, I am miserable and I am surrounded by so many people who have given me really powerful things to help me endure this week!

[HURTIN58]

my friend....i would like to tell you sumthing that was told to me a long time ago when i was in the Marines.....its was said by an unkown Marine capt. ......     courage is enduring...for one moment more. as for me? i probably have done this the wrong way, but i am gonna endure...one moment more..then, one moment more...and please....understand, what u r up aginst is a very powerful enemy....so, if you must, make a tactical withdrawal and try again, thats not losing.......thats courage. i would consider coming clean about my addiction...it may free up some space in your head that will b needed for the ongoing battle...i did...to my wife, my children, my friends... one of the hardest things i ever did..i feel proud i did....good luck, and know that you once were w out drugs...that my friend, is the light at the end of the tunnel...good luck

[lulu747]

PS
I talk to my Momma and need her almost every day!  There is no shame in wanting the people who love us to support us...Unconditional love is what we ALL need and deserve.  Love is the antidote for fear.  You can do this...(:

[IwillDoThis]

Even if just for now you come clean to your mom, that would give you someone to talk to.  I understand about just wanting your mom and I wish I could have that but I'm not in that place with her - but there is certainly NOTHING wrong with "just wanting mama" :)  

Don't beat yourself up, make the choice to put some roadblocks in place and take care of YOU right now.  We need to remember (and I'm speaking as much to myself right now) that we should have patience with ourselves - we didn't get into this situation overnight and we are not getting out overnight.

Sending you hugs and support!  

[lulu747]

Hi there!

First of all, you are NOT a loser, or stupid-you are an addict.  It is a human condition and does not discriminate.  That being said, you need to choose life over the drugs, choose yourself...And that means getting rid of all connections to pills, putting roadblocks in place, and coming clean to those closest to you.  You need to be accountable.  Because the getting clean is the easy part...Staying clean is a whole different game.  The cycle of abusing the pills is like being on a really scary roller coaster...But guess what?  You can get off.  You deserve to be happy and healthy, you deserve love and support.  Don't let the fear keep you stuck in this.  Treat yourself with love and compassion and keep reaching out for help.  It takes as long as it takes to heal and you've got to give yourself a fighting chance...You are worth it.

Sending support...
Lu

[MIkanik]

I know you're right.  With my first time I had my entire family....except for my grandparents.  The family just didn't think they could handle it.  I'm really thinking about telling my mom today.  She lives quite a ways away and with my mental state, even at MY age, I'm really in the "I want my mommy" mode for some reason.  I know it's silly!  I wonder if it might be a good time to tell the other half that I need to go visit and maybe clear this out there with her by my side.  Last time this was an insane stresser on my relationship and it almost ended due to the depression that withdrawal can cause.  I can't bare the thought of going through that again.

[IwillDoThis]

I hear you but many times the secrets keep us sick or from action.  Telling your family can be very freeing and it can help you put up some barriers - if you don't tell anyone then you are free to relapse and you have no accountability, just a thought.  I would also consider telling your doctor about your situation - I really do think having support and putting some road blocks up is a tremendous help but of course everyone has their own circumstance and I get that.

You have the right attitude, fake it till you make it, you know what you are up against and it's just a matter of reaching out if you need help instead of turning to old habits.

Hang in there - you can do this!

[MIkanik]

Thanks so much.  I'm trying to put that "stupid me" thought process as part of the withdrawals.  The drug trying to trick my brain, kinda thing. After going through it twice  already I know what to expect.  Last time I told everyone I just had the flu that was going around at the time.  I'm actually going in to get blood work done and might have a talk with my doctor. I think this time I'm just going to have to trudge through and, like I said before, Fake it until I Make it!  Just do everything I normally do, do it with a smile, stuff as many positive thoughts in my head and just deal with the ever-so-lovely symptoms and try to hide them as best as I can.  This is really the only place that I can talk about it.  I just can't tell my family or friends as I'm afraid of letting them down again.

[IwillDoThis]

what's done is done, don't beat yourself up too much - I think you'll find most people on this board have detoxed multiple times.  I'm 36 days and I have up and down days, I still have days where my insides feel furry but I know every day I make it I'm one day further away from the pills so I trudge on.  You can do this, it is so worth it just take care of yourself and be kind to your body right now!