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Day 12.. Learning how to live Clean!

Hey all,

I wanted to start a new post with positives!
So Day 12 here and WOW!!! What a difference!
For those of you that have followed my journey, we move in 2 Days!! While my anxiety is high, I do beleive a lot of it is due to the move! 2 hours from here back to my old stomping grounds, which we love! Closer to family for support! My girls will be going to new Schools which, again is a good thing but I am a Mother, of course it stings! Not to mention my baby girl will be a Freshman in High School! While not packing, I have enjoyed riding my bike with my girls to our neighborhood pool. Soaking up the Vitamin C feels great! Life is so much clearer and honestly it's rather sad looking back now that I was numb to my own children, never taking the time to hear about their days or simply chat! I see now why everyone says my 14 yr old is hilarious! Man she makes me smile and really, she has become my best friend in this past week! I went to another meeting this morning and while I chose not to speak, it was very Therapitic!! I have an apt scheduled with a psychiatrist next wed and looking forward to that!

With all that said, I want to say this: someone on here once told me
" that there will never be a good time to detox "... Something in your life will always be going on and make you feel like you can't do it " right now "... Well, here I am going through this massive move with a moody husband that doesn't get what I have and still am going through! My girls starting new schools 3 weeks prior to what they would have if we wouldn't have moved! I did it and I am still doing it! While I know I still have a long way to go, I will never let my guard down!! I have good days and bad days but, I am learning to live again..
PILL FREE!!
I send my utmost Love to every single person that ever responded to any of my post! That Live goes out to the ones that have me tough love when I needed it the most, even if it hurt!! For that I Thank You!.... You know who you are!!
While I will be busy the next few days I will check back in daily!
Right now, I am going to go back and soak in the Vitamin C with the 2 most important people in my life.... My beautiful girls!!
I sincerely give all of my love to every single one of you who got me through the worst Days of my life!

Love,
Ashley..DEDICATEDTOSTOP
53 Responses
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Avatar universal
Thanks man!! It's always nice when you stop by to respond!. I am actually going to make a new post now! I have not taken any pain meds in 24 hours and I am thinking about having my husband flush them
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey girl  good to see your doing better  as for pain you dont need to be a marter to it  as long as your taking them as prescribed and only for a short time with your hubby dispensing them your going to be all right  I wish I could take them at times  but I have no control at all over my addiction of them  even if the wife was to give them to me I would save them until I had enough to get high   sad as it sounds it is true so no pills for me  I do use natural things and regular ibuprofin tylonal and asprin  as long as I can keep my back pain at a 3 or 4 im ok with it keep counting your days  and stick to the meetings ....Gnarly
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Avatar universal
Thank You for commenting! I actually feel ready now. Maybe? I don't know!!
Helpful - 0
1331115 tn?1536362140
I was only back on for a few days and my wife held on to them and dispensed them to me. The detox was mot as severe at as the first time but when I first did cold turkey I was on 240 mg/day oxycontin and 40 mg percocet per day. So when your ready to jump off again don't think about just do it. I will pray for you and YOU CAN DO IT.
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Avatar universal
Thank Yo for sharing your story! How long did you go back on them and was your detox coming back off severe again? I can't stop thinking about that bc this last detox felt like it was going to kill me :(
Helpful - 0
1331115 tn?1536362140
Hello Dedicated I completely understand having to take pain meds for severe pain. I was 60days into my recovery but due to severe spinal injuries I had extreme pain and broke down and took an oxy. I completely agree with my friend IBKleen You do not need to apologize to anyone. I was in the same boat as you I found that acupuncture worked for me. It took a while but it eventually helped. I also started taking herbs and spices such as turmeric and cinnamon helped reduced inflammation which is a huge factor generating pain. You should also try omega 3 with at least 300 mg DHA & EPA. I was once where you are and today I have 1850 days clean. So you can make it to. God Bless and Keep on Keepin on.


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Avatar universal
I will start a new post but wanted to respond to you here first.
Thank you so much for your kind words, hearing that from you means so very much! My Husband wouldn't give me an extra one if I begged, screamed, kicked, cried etc! While they do help for the most part, I just feel so guilty taking them if that makes sense? I done so well getting through the packing while in most worst of detox days and I had to fight through that with everything I had! I never lifted any boxes, even through moving day and even once we got here. I was feeling so good that I began unpacking, trying to organize and doing a bit of landscaping that I would look up at the clock and suddenly it was 5pm and I hadn't sit down all day. Being on my feet for so many days caught up with me and the intense pain hit me suddenly like a ton of bricks. I do want to add that I have found my " happy place " here at my new home. I have a huge back deck on the upper level that overlooks huge Beautiful trees and a field and the field had a walking trail surrounded around it. I love the way it's set up as well bc this deck is actually on our main level so I can walk right out and enjoy the beautiful scenery and it's oh so peaceful. I don't have to walk any stairs to come out. We have a full finished basement that also has a walkout basement but I have pretty much " given " all that space to the girls since both of their bedrooms are there so needless to say, I rarely go down there:).. At our old home, I had to walk up a large staircase every single day.
Just felt like adding that little bit because really, it's so tranquil sitting out here.
I am going to another meeting tonight which actually is an additional one. This particular group I have only been to once and while I honestly do not feel as fit as I do my normal meetings, I actually just told my Husband lastnight that I felt the need to go to this one today as well because I MUST stay focused on recovery in every way I can so I do not lose sight when I am taking the meds. I really hope that I can even take them another week then jump back off instead of the initial goal of 2 weeks. My meeting is at 7pm so I will update when I get back... In a new post.
Thank You again for your kind words and support! Thank you for helping ease my mind!
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
P.S. You should start a new post. this one is getting long and it takes a while for the people who don't know you to read threw all the posts and responses.

Now this time for real..Peace, Out. lol
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
Why are you apologizing? Are you abusing the medication or taking it as prescribed? I know the answer to two of those questions. You are not abusing it and you are taking it as prescribed. You did the rifht thing by having your hubby hold them. I hope he has them hidden some place and locked up.

This is NOT a relapse honey. There may come a time when addicts have to take pain medication. As long as they are doing it the right way (like you are_ then it is not a relapse. Did I say that enough? lol

I suffer with chronic pain and there were a few times where I had to take pain medication. I could not stand the pain any longer. Like you, I had hubby hold and dispense. Amazingly, they do work when you take them as prescribed. I never knew that during my active addiction. Anyway, those times that I took them I did not consider it a relapse. I hold on with all I have to my clean time. While I was taking the pills I bumped up my meetings and I talked to everyone who had an ear. Stick with your meetings and talk about it. You did not let me down nor do I think you let anyone down. Now go and get some sleep and let us know how you are tomorrow.
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Avatar universal
Long story short... Dr gave me the Oxy script and told me if I changed my mind and was suffering too bad to fill the script if I needed it.
Well, I couldn't handle it anymore and I filled the script today:(
While it helped, I feel like a damned failure!! I feel guilty as hell as well! My husband is dispensing it and my plan is to only take it for a couple weeks until things are settled w this move! I guess I completely overdone myself even when I tried so hard not to! I will still be going to my NA meetings. It's hard for me to even type this message. I am sure I let many of you down. I can't even stop thinking about going back through the terrible withdrawl again in a couple weeks:(..... My husband and I have a deal since he is dispensing. 3 weeks max and they get flushed!!!! I am so sorry everyone!! I just took on too much at once I guess. Again, it's heartbreaking to even report this news.
I am so sorry! I did what the Dr's suggested as above. I just couldn't bear the pain in my back and leg any longer and I still have soooooo much to do here. Unpacking, landscaping and everything that goes with a new house. I just want to cry:(
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Avatar universal
Hang in there dedicated
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Avatar universal
Hi All!!

Sorry again that I am checking in so late. I got up and done some things around the house and then I spent the entire day with my girls!! We went to a water park and we just got in! I am extremely exhausted to the point where it's hard to even hold my eyes open! I wanted to do something special with them since they start School on Monday.
I AM STILL CLEAN!!!!!!!!! But guys I am really hurting:(... Dr said he thinks I am too far out for it to be rebound pain at this point.
I am so sorry, but I an so tired and ready for bed. I just wanted to stop in real quick and let you guys know that I have NOT USED!!  I promise that I will give a full report Tommorow. I have just been so crazy busy with this move. I hope you all understand. Thank you all for your support. I am goin to another NA meeting tomorrow at 9 AM and I am actually considering speaking this time. I will update you all with my report from the pain management doctor and also let you know how the meeting went.

Again thank you all for your support in this very tough decision. I am doing the best I can right now.... Still clean!!!
Please make sure you all watch for my update and I'm sorry I couldn't post more right now... I am still so very torn
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Avatar universal
You rock dedicated.  
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6063300 tn?1430430571
Good job! Cant wait to hear how it went!
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Avatar universal
Thanks for the support from everyone! I did go to see the Dr today and let me say that I am still clean!!!!! It's quite late here and I am ready for bed. I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that I have still not taken any pain meds!!! I will come back here and post more of an update in the morning as to how things went at my appointment. I just wanted to take a minute before heading to bed to stop in and report that I have not used!!
Thanks again to everyone!
Xoxo
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Avatar universal
First and foremost I am so sorry you are in such pain. As others have stated pain is subjective and not one of knows exactly how much you are suffering.
I am sure you have tired just about everything at this point in time and can feel your frustration.

Frankly it is going to come down to the question…Are you going to be able to take these medications as prescribed? You would probably not have terrible wd after 2 weeks taking as prescribed but will it truly end at just 2 weeks? Are you prepared to get back on this cycle?

Pain management is appropriate for individuals that need medication to have improved quality of life. And that do not abuse it. I am not a candidate for pain management as I cannot control this addiction. But I am not you…

Please, as Frogger recommends, try every non pharmacological approach you can!   If you like to research (as it seems you do and are knowledgable) google Adriaan Louw and "The low back is having brain surgery". He has some very interesting theories on chronic pain.

By the time you read this you will be most likely back from your Dr. appt and already have come to a decision. No judgement from me regardless of the outcome as this ultimately is a decision between your MD and yourself. I wish you the best! Keep us posted!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi there!! Please discuss with your doc other ways to manage your chronic pain. I'm not downplaying your pain in any way, but I tend to think that sometimes we feel the only way to manage our pain is through opiates, when in fact, they only reduce it a little.  Sometimes opiates can even make the pain worse. Have your doc discuss with you every non-narcotic treatment option with you, there are many out there. You may have to try a few methods before you find one that works, but that sure beats having to go back to the narcotics. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best!!! Take care...
Helpful - 0
6063300 tn?1430430571
You know some times we have to do what is best for our bodies. It is not good to be in so much pain all the time....if you take them as prescribed you will not mess up your recovery. Remember we can only take so much pain.
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Avatar universal
Hey again Dedicated,

No one but you knows the level of your pain and whether or not this is something that you can deal with in other ways.  

Since I'm not feeling the pain it's easy for me to say that the best thing is not to use.

I think the thing you really have to examine as deeply as possible is whether or not it's the addiction that's pushing you to feel like the pills are necessary.

I'm sorry this is so tough.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
All,
Thank You so much for all your comments. I am still here and still clean!
I am sorry that I haven't been posting much, I have just been so busy trying to unpack, organize etc! My girls start school on Monday as well so I am also trying to get them ready for that!
I REALLY NEED SOME HELP!!
my pain level is well above a 10 right now!! Stupid me, I had been feeling pretty good but I took advantage of that and have tried taking on too much with getting the house together! I have been to 2 meetings since I have been here but I have still not talked much, I just listen. Yesterday I also went to see the pain management doctor that I used to work for when we lived here before. The imaging center where I have had all of my MRIs done and sent them to him yesterday. I chose to go see him for a second opinion because I trust him from being his nurse for so many years. I also told him my whole situation and that I became addicted to the pills and that I was currently in recovery that I had been clean for three weeks and also attending meetings.

After reviewing my MRI my surgical notes and my most recent MRI, he said he was completely taken back that I was managing the way I have been and doing it with the move and all the stress that comes with it. He actually said he was very impressed. Let me add that I did not go in as a patient I just went in to sit and talk to him and get his opinion since I worked for him for 7 years! I discussed with him what my current pain Dr said about going back on the pills for just a couple weeks until things get settled here. We also talked about my MRI and he too agreed with my neurosurgeon that I needed a spinal fusion. Let me also add that I received a second opinion while still living where I was from another neurosurgeon that also agreed that I need a spinal fusion. I saw that doctor for the sole purpose of getting a second opinion. This all came about in March when I was in more pain than I was prior to surgery. My Neuro surgeon ordered another MRI and it showed that all of my disc that I had surgery on were blown back out including an additional one with extensive nerve damage. So, with all that said, I have told all 3 of them that I would not do the fusion until that day I can no longer walk. Working as a pain management nurse I have just seen too many people that have had the fusion that are now in wheelchairs or completely worse than they were prior to the surgery. I suppose my problem is that I have always been very athletic and very very active.
Going back now to seeing the doctor here that I used to work for. Again I went in to mainly discuss with him all that I have been through the pain I am having now and my MRI to get his professional opinion. Again, not as a patient but more as a friend. I actually went to see him after his clinic hours.
Long story short, he agreed w my Neurosurgeon about the fusion even knowing that I wouldn't do it. He also agreed w my pain Dr that I should go back on the meds for a couple weeks until I am settled in here. He said it could be very short term then I could come back off of them and see how I felt after life is settled w this move. What he told me was that not even an addict deserves to have to suffer:( I told him I didn't think I could bear going through the withdrawals again. He told me that if I put them as prescribed just for two weeks and had my husband dispense them to me that I shouldn't have severe withdrawals. However I am unsure of that.
I have made an appointment to go see my actual pain doctor later this afternoon and discuss all this again. I don't know what the hell to do guys because I have been so proud of how far I have came. What I do know is that right now I am absolutely miserable. I woke up at 5 AM this morning in so much pain that I seriously, honest to God could not even sit up. I had to wake my husband up to get me up and out of bed.
I have no idea what to do, I am really looking for everyone's opinion especially on going back for two weeks and going back through withdrawal. I did not have any kind of injury or fall to flare this app I guess I have just been up moving and trying to get too many things done at once.

PLEASE HELP,PLEASE TALK TO ME!!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
I need to wrap up this post bc I am going to have to get ready to make the hour drive to the Dr. I am not saying that I am going do the pils, I am goin to sit down and talk to him about what to do:(
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
hey Dedicated, great work staying clean.  I was outta town for the last 5-6 days and just saw your post about the dr. suggesting you go back to the pills for a couple of weeks. Jeez that seems like a horrible ******* idea unless you're in just unbearable pain.  

I've never had that level of pain so I can't really speak from experience but going through all the worst of the wd's just to start again would be really unfortunate.  

You must be feeling really good to have gotten through without using.  Keep toughing it out and looking for other pain management techniques.  I think the longer you're off the opiates the more your pain will decrease and also the more effective other pain management stuff will be.
Helpful - 0
13565897 tn?1430515982
RIGHT ON!! I almost fell over when I saw you were thinking of the pills again stoked to see you got through it!! those are the moments that build recovery that tough time where the pill was the cure and from now on the tough times will be met with strength and in time that old life will be far in the past.... the problem is the pain that got you hooked will always be there bugging you but for most of us the minor pain with the pill buzz was a no end street atleast now some minor to moderate pain with freedom is better than the old way best of luck and stay strong PILL FREE ..
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Avatar universal
OH MY GOSH YAAAYYYYY!!! I am so proud of you girl!!!! Way to push through it. You deserve some happiness and peace my friend so enjoy your new home.  I  am glad to hear you are doing some non pharm things. Let me know how it goes!!You should be so proud of yourself!!
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Avatar universal
Thanks Tina!!

I was just now sitting down to post an update on here.
First and foremost.. I am STILL CLEAN! 3 weeks now!! :-) I have been so very busy trying to unpack, organize and everything else that goes along with moving. I have been so busy that I don't even have the time to sit and think about pills! It's all a distant memory, more so with each passing day.
To answer your question in regards to other non narcotic meds, the answer is yes. I have tried everything. Even the Dr mentioned that. Ibprofen 800mg usually works well for me. The pain I was having a couple days ago is because I am trying to do too much at once. I have finally forced myself to take small breaks throughout the day. I even told my husband to remind me to sit down and rest if I get caught up doing things for too long. We are here and all of our stuff is here so hey, it's all good.

I am on cloud 9 sitting on my upper back deck with the view of beautiful trees and the sound of nature. It's so tranquil!! It's been 5 years since I have even heard the birds chirping and all the sounds of nature! I know that may sound pretty odd to some of you but I didn't have that in the suburb:)

So, I have always had a green thumb and absolutely LOVE planting flowers, landscaping, keeping my flowers watered etc. Last summer, I had my back surgery on July 2nd so I didn't but any annuals at all. Not even hanging baskets. I had not done so this year either...... Until yesterday!!
I think I have about 20 pots ( some annual some  perineal's ) that I am getting ready to plant now! My husband is actually waiting in me so he can help. One of my favorite things about Summer has always been taking care of my beautiful flowers every day. It makes me so happy as I enjoy it so much!
It's going to rain here soon and I need to get at least a few if these done before it rains but I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that I am still doing well and going strong. One day at a time.
I will check back in this evening and will be on much more often once we get more settled in our new home. I love the new home and I feel very Happy. But again one day at a time. I don't think about tomorrow I only think of today for Tommorow has yet to come. Oh, and Tina... I have an appointment on Thursday for acupuncture. I have yet to try it and am actually looking forward to it. Sorry I haven't posted much lately, I have just been really busy. I am still clean, happy and remaining guarded.
Xoxo
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