Day 2, in WD, won't go back

[Cassie415]

Hi everyone, I am trying again to stop using oxycontin. For some people who have seen me say this a million times I know you might be sick of me or think I am not actually going to do it, but all I can say is i'm trying again. I am really determined to do this. I am going to get sober this time and make it out on the other side and finally experience life clean. I am going to find new ways to find happiness, because I know oxycontin is just filling some kind of void and it is just artificial happiness that leaves me sick and deathly feeling. I have found a volunteer program that works with kids here, which is what I love to do, and so I am joining it. I'm going to find new ways to fill my time and new things to be interested and passionate about. I want to be clean and happy for these holidays and spend them with my family and not be on drugs. I am not going to waste away anymore and barely live my life. I just want to feel real happiness in myself and my life. Today is day 2, I am very sick, but making myself get up and walk to school has helped. Thank you everyone that constantly helps me and doesn't give up, it means so much. So here goes, i'm trying again.

[ZJILLIAN]

What has gone wrong in the past and how can you prevent that from happening again?

[Cassie415]

Um, I think my surroundings and environment. Also that I wasn't really happy and had a lot of spare time on my hands and just sat around in a bad environment. I'm trying to fill my days with other things now that I really like and can focus on.

[Axl_0113]

Awww...don't be so hard on yourself.  Every person here has tried multiple times to quit, before finally sticking with it.  Just chalk up your past experiences as just that- experience.  Try to learn from them and determine why and what caused you to go back to using.  What caused you to relapse.  Learn from that, and do what it takes to not repeat it again.

You will find success.....whenever you figure out why you failed in your first attempts.

Congrats on your new-found courage and another chance to get off of the oxy.  Stick it out this time....and you will be happier than you thought you were when you were using.

If you need anything...please just ask.

good luck!

[corey411]

Glad your trying again Cass. Giving up is not an option. Is there an NA near where you are going to school? It would help if you had some on site help if you needed it. I'm here for you hon.

[Cassie415]

thanks corey. There is na I think, i went to the AA once but i didn't think it was for me and it was all adults. I go to something at my school that is students and kids my age and I am going to keep going there, they are quite concerned for me , so im glad i'll have some good news for them this week.

[salsinator]

Congratulations Cassie on your 2 days.  I have followed your previous posts and know that you have a stong desire to quit using.  Please stick with your plan and don't give up.  Just a day or two more and you will start to feel remarkably better.  Keep posting, every few minutes if you have to.  Get some other support in the form of meetings or with your school as you have indicated.  I am proud of you Cassie.

[ImGettingClean]

You can do it Cassie...before you know it, you'll be outta the woods and enjoying life, clean and sober again! Remember, there is always hope and this can be done...

never give up

Nick

[Isitoveryet555]

It's worth it!! I'm only on day 5 of clean of Oxys and I'm feeling alot better! It feels like I'm getting sober again and I never thought being sober would feel so good. Just a few more days and you've won and won't be looking back because that's how I feel.  Don't give up. You can do this.

[10356]

I'm so Happy and Proud of you Cass !! Congratulations on day 2 :) You sound like you have a immediate plan and are tackling some of the issues you have with filling your time. I hope you continue to see the councilor..  You have a positive attitude and this is great. You may think about picking up a NA meeting ? there should a lot of them in a college town this may help you more stay on track and meet others that have similar struggles. Just a few more days and you will be on your way to recovery.. keep your eyes and thoughts on your goal Cass of going home clean for the Holidays.. what a wonderful gift to yourself and family :)) hugs lesa

[Cassie415]

Thank you everyone!! And lesa I just wrote you a messge back but i forgot that i wrote this post and it's basically just the same stuff lol so no need to read the message.

Thanks everyone, i am really excited. I have to say i wouldn't even be trying if it weren't for some people that just haven't given up on me. It means soo much to me, thanks to those of you, i'm sure you know who you are and to everyone else!!

[KirstenHere]

Sweetheart please do NOT be so hard on yourself...I am 41 and STILL haven't figured it out yet (relapsing I mean). You are a step ahead of me right now...I have NO future plans for tomorrow, which I KNOW is not good.

I have also been here what seems like a million times now. Almost feel like I use the people on here when I decide that I "once again" want to get clean. I made it 8 days once, but my mind was still addicted and that is the hard part.

I am on day 3, almost 4...so I'm working hard to keep it together this time. Still have my dealers numbers in my phone and I know that is NOT good. Just can't seem to delete them...which makes me know that I'm AGAIN not serious about this..but I'm trying like hell. Maybe this time, something will be different. Hey, it's day 3 and I have yet to call one of them..so that is a good thing, right?

Keep us updated, please! I LOVE hearing success stories! will keep you in my prayers, promise! :-)

[Cassie415]

Do you have any kind of support system? Do you do counseling or go to NA? Do you have anyone to support you and help you? I know what you mean when you say you stop, but your mind is still addicted. I have done that before, and I will stop, but I am still constantly thinking about using and it's only a matter of time before I go back. You should try to make yourself a plan and put it in your head that you are stopping, that there is no other choice, there is no "what if" or "maybe in a few weeks i'll do it again..." etc because that always leads you back to where you were, or at least that's what it does to me. This time around I am trying to find other things to get involved in and to get happiness from, instead of getting happiness from a line of oxycontin.

BTW, congrats on 3 days! That is a great accomplishment, I hope you keep moving  forward and then you can become one of those success stories that you love to hear!

[Wolverine819]

Cassie
We have talked many times,and this is the most determined I have ever heard you.I am so happy to hear you will be working in the program helping the kids.This is what you were born  to do.You have helped me so much in my recovery ,making sure i never lost focus on what I would lose with another relapse.You help so many,now its time to help yourself.You know i will do anything for you and will always be there if you need anything.You are on day 2,like we talked about before stay in the moment and dont project to far ahead,make each day your goal.Every day will bring you on step closer to the life you want and deserve.
You can do it ,so many people are behind you

[KirstenHere]

Wolverine, I agree with you 100%. Very well said!

Cassie, I have my husband, who does not use anymore...so he is my support. NO one else in my life actually knows I'm an addicted. I actually do have major health problems, so that was ALWAYS my excuse to use. That would also be my excuse to get it from family and friends. I have lied so much and have actually stolen my mothers pills, replaced them with tylenol, or whatever it was...and NOW, she don't take them anymore because she says they no longer work. Ohhhh, the guilt I have from that one is UNREAL! Can't even believe I'm telling anyone this. Ugh!

It's that kind of BS I'm sick of in my life. I have NEVER been a thief...EVER! But I steal off my own mother who has back problems How sad am I? Ohhh, I need to QUIT these things before it really takes my life.

I hope you're still moving on, Cassie! I'm with ya when it comes to the withdraws. Let's do this together, OK? You're only one day behind me, but you can catch up. LoL! Sorry, have to find humor somewhere!  :-)

[Cassie415]

Wolverine819,
Thank you for the comment, your messages always make me feel so much better. I will just focus on each day like you said.
AND
Kristenhere,
It is good that you can say those things and get them out, it's not to late to change, when you get sober and change your life people will see the changes in you and overtime forgive and you will forgive yourself too as you start to pile up more good things on your conscious. ANnd yeah, id love to stop and get off this with you. This wd *****, and on top of it i'm sick too, i think strept lol so it's not pretty, but i'll catch up haha.

[KirstenHere]

I know! It's just such a sick cycle! Right now, all I can think about is that I go to the Dr. next Friday to get my script and counting down the days. Ugh! If I can just change things in my mind from now until then...which is 9 days, that actually a long time...then I can do this, RIGHT? Right !!!!!

Oh, to have to tell people the wrong I have done to them, ohhhh, that scares me more than WD. LoL! For real!

Ok, Cassie, let's hold hand, and do this...OK? And maybe we can exchange Emails just in case one of us falls, we can still talk. Cause I know that when I fall, I don't come here anymore...out of embarrassment I'm sure. People work so hard to help you, feels like you let them down.

[dominosarah]

Hi cassie.....I am really happy to hear some positive things come out of you.  You can do this!!!  Are you taking any vitamins or aminos?  Those would be good for you to get on.  We need to take care of our bodies too.  Drink plenty of fluids like Gatorade or vitamin water.  Keep walking to school as exercise is good for you.  Stay with it now...we are here for you                   sara

[Cassie415]

thanks sarah, its making it a bit harder because I am sick right now, I think with strept throat, and so my body is trying to fight the detox and the virus....this is my luck to get sick the same day i stop taking oxycontin. So it hurts like hell to swallow so i've just been drinking emergen-C's and tea's any other suggestions for how to get better?? My roommate is really really sick and i'm watching her thinking great that's me next lol

And to kristen,
You can just focus on trying to get off the drugs and the other stuff like telling people can come later. As for that script, you shouldn't do it, I know if I knew that in a week or so someone would come to me with 10 free oxycontin 80's I would be thinking about that and waiting for that day nonstop, that won't let you focus on being sober and making plans to stay sober, it's more like feeling horrible and just waiting for when more is coming while happening to not be on it. Dont get me wrong, I think it's still REALLY good you are stopping and trying and all but I think the looming script will get you, you should cancel it!!

[bmdad]

It sounds like you have a great game plan Cassie. I've been through withdrawals in the past due to back and sciatic problems and know that having a plan and taking a different approach makes a world of difference. Also, setting goals like you have will give you something to look forward to. Like being clean before the holidays, that should be a great motivator and is a goal worth achieving. I'm currently tapering this time and getting ready to take the plunge. Coming on here and reading the success stories helps me so much! Seeing how you're are fighting on and know this will be the time gives me hope that I will make it too. I was clean for a year until this last relapse. It was due to surgery but I'm to blame as I always end up taking more than prescribed and take them longer than needed.
Congrats on day 3! It won't be much longer and you'll be feeling great! So sorry you have to deal with the flu at the same time. I guess it's better to have the flu now than to have it right after withdrawals as that would make you think they are lasting longer. Might as well knock them both out at the same time. Just continue pushing the fluids the best you can. Keep exercising as I know for sure that it helps more than anything on speeding up the whole process. Once you are able to swallow, check in to the amino acid protocol. I used it last year and it really helped. I think it also helped mentally as I was still able to stuff pills down my face. The difference is that they are healthy pills! Just keep going strong and never look back. You are so close to the downhill side of this. Never let your guard down once you are clean. If you ever get the urge be sure to get on here and post. With all the caring replies you will get there is no way you will take one again. Also come back weekly and read your prior posts. It will help remind you of the fight and willpower it took to get to that point in your life.
I think it's great that you are working with kids. Just watching and taking care of them will be another great motivator. I have a 9 year old son and 6 year old daughter. My son has a learning disability so I know how important it can be to help work with children. I make sure I go to all the school functions and field trips I can to lend a hand and support my children and the other special needs children. It really makes you feel good. Hobbies are something we really need to keep us thinking of the pills. I need to get back in to my hobbies. I have always been a very active person but have gotten a bit lazy after this last relapse. I just don't have the energy due to the taper. I've done cold turkey a few times in the past and have made it through the worst every time. I don't know what my deal is this time! In the past I was completely ready to get off of them and didn't have a problem kicking them. I just need to get that strong mindset back. I know it's just around the corner and I just have to reach out and grab it! Sorry for the long post and kinda hijacking it but just can't seem to fall asleep tonight. I wish you the best and if you need anything, please let me know. I've been there a few times over the past few years so know exactly how you are feeling. Sorry for rambling but as I'm sure you know, it helps! Take care and remember that you will beat this addiction this time around!
Brian

[Cassie415]

I don't mind if you write a long response or if you "hi-jack" it haha. No worries. I agree the hobbies are important it's a way to be happy and satisfied in something other than drugs. Also, in the past I just kind of sit around almost waiting for a relapse, I don't want to do it this time, I really want to get some actual clean time, i've never even made it to a month before. But for now, i'll just focus on today.

Also you mentioned how you couldn't get back in the right mindset and I know how that feels, sometimes I will be so ready to get off and so motivated and that's what keeps me going, but then if I relapse and try again I have absolutly no motivation anymore. It's hard, I have a list of reasons why I need to/want to stop, that helps to remind me when I am thinking of using again or when my head starts to tell me " I never really even had a problem" Thanks for all the suggestions. And I hope you can get to sleep, I haven't fallen asleep before 4:30am in a long time lol so you've still got a few hours on me ha

[worried878]

DAY 2 is awesome..u r probaly farhther along now tho!

Nobody judges here..and almost nobody makes it to cleandom on the first try...u keep trying tho..a very admirable and a very strong trait in ur personality..also a strong trait that u keep coming back..u hide nuttin..u r up -front and honest!

People like u get this crud done..i feel it in my bones..if u can think of sumpin u can add or change this time/be it friends, aftercare, etc...be sure u implement it into ur plan

keep us postedf

[worried878]

I re-read and c u have sought counseling at ur school..a place where u feel comfy...and postigng here daily too can help...it took me over 10 meetings including aa and na before i found where i fit in..as long as this school meeting is helping then go for it!

Support is the key to recovery cos we r powerless over our DOC ...most can not do this alone but many have to fall on their face several times to realize this..postimg here reminds me of what drugs can do..of what I turned into/a monster almost..it wasnt me...u r trying girl and u sound like u have a plan...dont forget this disease never goes away//have a plan for times of stress in ur life/even 10 yrs from now...be safe girl..always move forward...and never let go of ur support system/includint his forum/cos it rox!

[bmdad]

Worried nailed it when she said you have a very strong trait in your personality. You aren't hiding anything and not ashamed to come back after relapse as many are. Being honest with yourself by coming on here is great. I've read where people say relapse is just part of the process. With many of us, including myself, it has been. The thing is, it doesn't have to be a continual part of the process and eventually it won't be. We have almost all relapsed. Some a few times, some many times. All relapsing means to me is that we need to go about it a different way this time and have a better plan in place. And from what you have wrote Cassie, you do have a different and great plan! All we can do is keep trying and eventually we will get there. I know last year when I quit cold turkey I was just so sick of running out of pills early, going through withdrawals for a week waiting for my script and then right back at it. It was a vicious cycle and I finally had enough! Everyone gets to that point and it's a great place to be. For me it was what it took to finally stop the cycle. I was so sick of it and mentally frustrated from the pills I went cold turkey and honestly it wasn't that bad that time. It just seemed easier than other times. I think that taught me that it is more of a mental battle than physical. Mentally I was fine which seemed to make the physical part a little easier that time. I was even working 7 days a week 12 hour days during this. I still have no idea how I did that! It did help take my mind off of it though. Another time I went through withdrawals before that I just laid around and didn't do a thing. It took longer and I felt much worse. That just goes to show how much exercise or just getting out and about will help. That's why I think you have a great plan and I know in my heart that you will make it this time! You are going about it a different way than before. You realized what didn't work before and changed it. Well here I am rambling again! Sorry about that! I just love seeing success stories and getting on here and typing helps so much. If you're up until 4:30 that means I'd have to stay up until 6:30 to match ya! I was stationed out in 29Palms, CA. I was out there for 3 years. I did do some training up in Northern Cal in Bridgeport and loved it up there! S Cal and N Cal are like 2 different worlds!
Just keep fighting Cassie and know you are not alone. There are many that are going through, getting ready too, and many that have made it. You will be there very soon. Hang in there!
Brian

[bmdad]

How ya hanging in there Cassie? Sorry for rambling last night! The no sleep thing just drives me nuts! Hope all is well and you're feeling a bit better today!