Aa
learned allot
Hi All,
I have been gone for a bit as i needed to get myself together. I am proud to say that i am a little over 4 months opiate free and have been really working on getting my life back in order. I have been dealing with all the reasons why i used, i have increased my therapy sessions to twice a week and getting to the "root" of my problems. i went through a terrible case of severe depression triggered by my PTSD and due to the fact that i was an idiot and started playing with fire with benzo's. I never abused them before but i sure did recently, but i have to admit i have learned from it, i really did. Well, i did all the things i needed to do just like i did with the opiates and i told my secret. I went and visited my doc and told him to add NO BENZO'S to my chart and i told my family/friends and shrink. A few months back i just was a mess dealing with all the trauma that came to the surface and my addict brain found a way to escape it all with the darn benzo's, but now i am very well aware of what an idiot i was and i took action. I am sure most would not agree, but i am not turning my tracker back as my DOC was opiates, i believe that i did not relapse, but was headed in that direction and fast. I set up an emergency visit with my therapist and gave her the RX of Ativan and we flushed together, that was 4 weeks ago. I believe i was put to the test big time as i had my dad (ashamed to say) visit me and he is an addict and he was high as a kite, i knew i could have gotten Oxy from him, but i leaned on hubby and called my therapist and had a phone session just to help me deal with it all, i must admit, i feel great now. I know this is a long road and recovery is a journey but i am happy to say that i feel strong and that i am continuing to get the help that i need. I actually feel empowered now, but i am also very aware that my emotions can change quick so i am making sure that i have all the support i can possibly get. As for the pain, well, that is a hard task and daunting at times as well, but with rest and ice and just the basics in life i am doing it. It is a trigger for me but i know that i ruined that privilege to take a pill as for me, one is i too many!!!! Thanks for listening
I have been gone for a bit as i needed to get myself together. I am proud to say that i am a little over 4 months opiate free and have been really working on getting my life back in order. I have been dealing with all the reasons why i used, i have increased my therapy sessions to twice a week and getting to the "root" of my problems. i went through a terrible case of severe depression triggered by my PTSD and due to the fact that i was an idiot and started playing with fire with benzo's. I never abused them before but i sure did recently, but i have to admit i have learned from it, i really did. Well, i did all the things i needed to do just like i did with the opiates and i told my secret. I went and visited my doc and told him to add NO BENZO'S to my chart and i told my family/friends and shrink. A few months back i just was a mess dealing with all the trauma that came to the surface and my addict brain found a way to escape it all with the darn benzo's, but now i am very well aware of what an idiot i was and i took action. I am sure most would not agree, but i am not turning my tracker back as my DOC was opiates, i believe that i did not relapse, but was headed in that direction and fast. I set up an emergency visit with my therapist and gave her the RX of Ativan and we flushed together, that was 4 weeks ago. I believe i was put to the test big time as i had my dad (ashamed to say) visit me and he is an addict and he was high as a kite, i knew i could have gotten Oxy from him, but i leaned on hubby and called my therapist and had a phone session just to help me deal with it all, i must admit, i feel great now. I know this is a long road and recovery is a journey but i am happy to say that i feel strong and that i am continuing to get the help that i need. I actually feel empowered now, but i am also very aware that my emotions can change quick so i am making sure that i have all the support i can possibly get. As for the pain, well, that is a hard task and daunting at times as well, but with rest and ice and just the basics in life i am doing it. It is a trigger for me but i know that i ruined that privilege to take a pill as for me, one is i too many!!!! Thanks for listening
Yahooooo! Dane, Tracker or no Tracker that is just a number. You have learned from your mistake now and know when we are a Addict we can NOT take any mind altering drugs. Drugs,Alcohol, Shopping,Gambling etc., it all brings surges of Dopamine to bring us pleasure for this or that reason. So the best thing for us Addict to do is beware how easy we can get out of control..I think you are doing a great job and keep the armor on at all times against this disease..Best of luck to you.
Bless
Bless
Dana, I'm not talking about your tracker so much as I am just the identification of a relapse. The tracker isn't nearly as important IMO as just your own recognition of what happened. I'm sure it's hard to "start over" in terms of days and counting and such, but I also think it's an important part of the getting better process, if that makes sense.
I just don't (respectfully) agree that it's not a relapse. I was taught that it's the behaviors and habits that makes a relapse, not a particular substance, or amount or length of time, etc.
We had a girl in the clinic who stayed clean of all meds for a long time (years), but eventually found out she had developed a horrible gambling problem. She was mad as hell that we were using the term "relapse". But, in the end, that's exactly what it was, she had reverted back to all of the same behaviors she had when she was using.
Hope that makes sense. You know I only wish you the best.
I just don't (respectfully) agree that it's not a relapse. I was taught that it's the behaviors and habits that makes a relapse, not a particular substance, or amount or length of time, etc.
We had a girl in the clinic who stayed clean of all meds for a long time (years), but eventually found out she had developed a horrible gambling problem. She was mad as hell that we were using the term "relapse". But, in the end, that's exactly what it was, she had reverted back to all of the same behaviors she had when she was using.
Hope that makes sense. You know I only wish you the best.
Thank you all for your kind words and opinions as well. Oh sweet Connie, thank you so much for putting a huge smile on my face, wow girl we have both been through the same crap now haven't we. Crazy as it is, but i did learn that i cannot take a pill any pill for that matter other than a OTC. I never understood the benzo thing, never liked the feeling but since i lost my friend/demon opiates i sure found a crutch to lean on, and like you Connie my doc prescribe my the Activan knowing i am an ADDICT!!!! BUT, it was me that put it in my system and me that abused it, so its my own fault and i learned quick.
Nursegirl, AS for the tracker or relapse, i believe its a matter of opinion. I do see your point, but for me i didn't relapse on my DOC and for that i am keeping my tracker, i worked so hard to get where i am, yes many relapses and i did reset my tracker when i failed, but i learned from all of them. "What am i doing differently? " I increased my therapy sessions, talked with my doc yet again to add NO BENZO to my chart, and communicating to my loved ones about my struggles. I was in a deep dark place there for 2 months or so and it was scary for me and my family, with the grace of God, my support team and as Connie says, my stubborn a$$ i was able to pick myself up and get cracking on my life.
Nursegirl, AS for the tracker or relapse, i believe its a matter of opinion. I do see your point, but for me i didn't relapse on my DOC and for that i am keeping my tracker, i worked so hard to get where i am, yes many relapses and i did reset my tracker when i failed, but i learned from all of them. "What am i doing differently? " I increased my therapy sessions, talked with my doc yet again to add NO BENZO to my chart, and communicating to my loved ones about my struggles. I was in a deep dark place there for 2 months or so and it was scary for me and my family, with the grace of God, my support team and as Connie says, my stubborn a$$ i was able to pick myself up and get cracking on my life.
With all due respect, I think a relapse is more about the BEHAVIOR than about a specific substance/drug. If an alcoholic has been sober for 20 years, but then develops an opiate addiction, I would call that a relapse. Generally speaking, addiction and the behaviors that go with it are the same, no matter what substance we're dealing with.
While no one ever wants to have to reset their sober time, I think it's an important part of the process. If Dana allows herself a pass on her clean time because she wasn't abusing her prior DOC, I think that confuses the message, both to her and anyone reading.
Not everything is a relapse of course, and it's hard to define sometimes. Only the addict themselves can sometimes determine what was and wasn't a relapse.
Just my opinion, but I think because Dana admits that she got caught up abusing benzos, that's a relapse. A relapse of her SOBRIETY. I feel that one of the most important parts of a recovery plan is relapse prevention and a relapse plan. Those parts of a program won't work if a person isn't being made to call a spade a spade. You know?
Dana, I appreciate your honesty..I really hope you stick around, you've struggled so much and have relapsed several times. What's your plan sweetie? What are you going to do differently.
I wish you the best!
While no one ever wants to have to reset their sober time, I think it's an important part of the process. If Dana allows herself a pass on her clean time because she wasn't abusing her prior DOC, I think that confuses the message, both to her and anyone reading.
Not everything is a relapse of course, and it's hard to define sometimes. Only the addict themselves can sometimes determine what was and wasn't a relapse.
Just my opinion, but I think because Dana admits that she got caught up abusing benzos, that's a relapse. A relapse of her SOBRIETY. I feel that one of the most important parts of a recovery plan is relapse prevention and a relapse plan. Those parts of a program won't work if a person isn't being made to call a spade a spade. You know?
Dana, I appreciate your honesty..I really hope you stick around, you've struggled so much and have relapsed several times. What's your plan sweetie? What are you going to do differently.
I wish you the best!
OMG!!!!!! Dana's BACK!!! Whoopee!! I was off the board for what seemed like a short spell...and log on today and HERE YOU ARE!!!
:):):):):):):):) I'm SO jazzed to read this post, Dana!
You amaze me....you really do....I have had the privilege of watching your "edges softening"...your stubborn little b*tt has bloomed into this willing, openminded WUNNERFUL empowered woman! I'm SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! Your hard work is paying off...you sound GOOD!!!!
I SO related to your being in that deep dark dirt hole...cause I, too, had to learn HOW to get out of it....for a long while...it seemed there wasn't even a dang rope ladder to climb out! LOL But you persevered....and then you found your feet walking down yet another road you knew was too much like your opiate road...I did it too, Dana. I had a 90 day run with a benzo...and recognized where I was headed. And this still happened even with my dr. already HAVING my chart noted..." this patient is an addict...NO addictive substances of ANY kind for her....no opiates, no benzos"...but guess what? My hub had an Rx in the house....a benzo for his sleep...never, ever considered it "being in the house" before....or imagined that I would take it.....guess who started taking that? Yep.. me did...lol...it's history now....but ANYTHING that is addictive and brings emotional pain relief will SCREAM at us. "It IS what it IS"....lol
As far as your tracker.....I TOTALLY agree that you shouldn't re-set your opiate tracker. You didn't relapse on opiates (your DOC)! Heck, I had 4 trackers going for different things that were important to ME to remember "getting off of" (even non-addictive meds)...and as I was about to set a 5th one a few weeks back for a tricyclic AD...I said, damn, Connie, your trackers look like a checker board!! How confusing... LOL I learned you can make those trackers public or private....so....my one and only tracker now that the whole "world" can see is the MOST important life changing tracker for ME...it's for opiates...cause that's what almost killed me. The others are set for my personal benefit....and reflect what is personally important to me in my journey. If I should ever relapse on ANY opiate....the tracker will return to Day 1 (but that ain't happening unless my b*tt falls off...hahaha)
You know, Gnarly is one of our community leaders here....he has MUCHO time off methadone....but he, too, found himself going down that "benzo path" and now has reigned that in. We all have to learn, Dana. I love it that you shared this because we, as addicts have to literally imagine a flashing light blinking at us when we are exposed to ANY addictive substance. Or a fog horn blasting in our face....lol
Chronic pain is a b*tch, girl. It's a trigger for me, too. I'm doing what you taught me when I very first met you...and I know you are, too. You said, Connie, "I'm learning to live my life in pain....WITHOUT pain pills."
Me too.....it's a journey....but I get to walk it with you. I loves ya SO much!!
(((HUGGING YOU)))
Connie
:):):):):):):):) I'm SO jazzed to read this post, Dana!
You amaze me....you really do....I have had the privilege of watching your "edges softening"...your stubborn little b*tt has bloomed into this willing, openminded WUNNERFUL empowered woman! I'm SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! Your hard work is paying off...you sound GOOD!!!!
I SO related to your being in that deep dark dirt hole...cause I, too, had to learn HOW to get out of it....for a long while...it seemed there wasn't even a dang rope ladder to climb out! LOL But you persevered....and then you found your feet walking down yet another road you knew was too much like your opiate road...I did it too, Dana. I had a 90 day run with a benzo...and recognized where I was headed. And this still happened even with my dr. already HAVING my chart noted..." this patient is an addict...NO addictive substances of ANY kind for her....no opiates, no benzos"...but guess what? My hub had an Rx in the house....a benzo for his sleep...never, ever considered it "being in the house" before....or imagined that I would take it.....guess who started taking that? Yep.. me did...lol...it's history now....but ANYTHING that is addictive and brings emotional pain relief will SCREAM at us. "It IS what it IS"....lol
As far as your tracker.....I TOTALLY agree that you shouldn't re-set your opiate tracker. You didn't relapse on opiates (your DOC)! Heck, I had 4 trackers going for different things that were important to ME to remember "getting off of" (even non-addictive meds)...and as I was about to set a 5th one a few weeks back for a tricyclic AD...I said, damn, Connie, your trackers look like a checker board!! How confusing... LOL I learned you can make those trackers public or private....so....my one and only tracker now that the whole "world" can see is the MOST important life changing tracker for ME...it's for opiates...cause that's what almost killed me. The others are set for my personal benefit....and reflect what is personally important to me in my journey. If I should ever relapse on ANY opiate....the tracker will return to Day 1 (but that ain't happening unless my b*tt falls off...hahaha)
You know, Gnarly is one of our community leaders here....he has MUCHO time off methadone....but he, too, found himself going down that "benzo path" and now has reigned that in. We all have to learn, Dana. I love it that you shared this because we, as addicts have to literally imagine a flashing light blinking at us when we are exposed to ANY addictive substance. Or a fog horn blasting in our face....lol
Chronic pain is a b*tch, girl. It's a trigger for me, too. I'm doing what you taught me when I very first met you...and I know you are, too. You said, Connie, "I'm learning to live my life in pain....WITHOUT pain pills."
Me too.....it's a journey....but I get to walk it with you. I loves ya SO much!!
(((HUGGING YOU)))
Connie
So nice to hear from you and great to hear you're working it!
I want to re-post this and HOPE that lots of people read it, because I see statements ALL the time from people saying they wouldn't abuse benzos, that they weren't their "thing", etc....
" I never abused them before but i sure did recently, but i have to admit i have learned from it, i really did. "
You are proof that as an addict, all bets are off, one can NEVER be sure what will happen when dealing with an addictive med.
I'm proud of you hon! Keep up the great work and don't be a stranger!
I want to re-post this and HOPE that lots of people read it, because I see statements ALL the time from people saying they wouldn't abuse benzos, that they weren't their "thing", etc....
" I never abused them before but i sure did recently, but i have to admit i have learned from it, i really did. "
You are proof that as an addict, all bets are off, one can NEVER be sure what will happen when dealing with an addictive med.
I'm proud of you hon! Keep up the great work and don't be a stranger!
Keep on keeping on Dane! You're doing good! Our inability to control our usage of drugs is just one symptom of the disease of addiction. Just the tip of the iceberg pretty much. Glad to hear you're getting into aftercare and working on the nuts and bolts of the disease. Continuing to work on recovery keeps the using part of our disease at bay. Keep posting!
hey hun, have been thinking about you. so glad to hear this.
thanks for posting and giving us a wonderful and beautiful update.
lots of love and continued healing,
keep the faith my friend,
thanks for posting and giving us a wonderful and beautiful update.
lots of love and continued healing,
keep the faith my friend,
I agree too - you do sound good. It really comes down to just doing the work. Some days are easier than others, but you have to keep trying. I mean, what other choice do we have?
And this is going to sound so cliché, but we are all a work in progress and with any luck, we always will be. I'm still learning to this day, and I know that's never going to change (again, HOPEFULLY! lol) I've made a ton of mistakes in my life, and all I can do at this point is try to learn from them, and move on. We can't go back, and hell, WHY go back when we can look forward and maybe do better the next time. At least, that's what I hope for.
Keep smiling, Dana. It looks good on you! :)
And this is going to sound so cliché, but we are all a work in progress and with any luck, we always will be. I'm still learning to this day, and I know that's never going to change (again, HOPEFULLY! lol) I've made a ton of mistakes in my life, and all I can do at this point is try to learn from them, and move on. We can't go back, and hell, WHY go back when we can look forward and maybe do better the next time. At least, that's what I hope for.
Keep smiling, Dana. It looks good on you! :)
Great to hear from you, Dane. Sounds like you have good support in place and are moving right along :) as far as your tracker goes- that's up to you! Congrats..love a good success story...it is inspiring...
Thanks for sharing!
" I went and visited my doc and told him to add NO BENZO'S to my chart and i told my family/friends and shrink. "
Smart move!
"I know this is a long road and recovery is a journey but i am happy to say that i feel strong and that i am continuing to get the help that i need."
You should feel strong! It sounds like your doing well now. That's great to hear!
ツ
Always,
ABN
" I went and visited my doc and told him to add NO BENZO'S to my chart and i told my family/friends and shrink. "
Smart move!
"I know this is a long road and recovery is a journey but i am happy to say that i feel strong and that i am continuing to get the help that i need."
You should feel strong! It sounds like your doing well now. That's great to hear!
ツ
Always,
ABN
thanks for this inspiring and honest post Dane! so glad you posted to let us know how you are doing....you do sound good! And i agree, emotions will change on a dime....from day to day sometimes....keep it up girl!! :)
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