Day one

[missa923]

I have been on pills for 3 years off an on. I had some dental work done one procedure right after the other and started taking vicodin for the pain. I also had braces and my doc gave me vicodin for the pain also. I didn't think anything about it. I just took one when it hurt. I also have insomnia and it helped me sleep so I would take it to sleep to. I also had a 2 year old who I was always stressed out something was going to happen to her (long story) My mom died when I was 17 and I have never got over it, I thought by having a daughter and getting that bond back it would finally fill up that empty place in my heart, well it did untill she was a month old and I had given her some cereal in her milk and layed her down and she puked it through her nose and couldn't breath becasue she couldn't clear it out, for the next 15 mins I frantically tried to help my daughter clear the puke out while watching her turn blue. By the time the ambulance got there she cleared it and was fine, a little shaky but ok. At that moment everything changed, I relized God could take her to just like my mom and from that day on I thought she was going to die.(I was obsessed about it) so when I would take a pill it made the worry go away. Before I knew it I was taking vicodin, hydrocodone cough medicine, all kinds, all the time. I carried it everywhere. Didn't even think I was addicted untill I went to the pharmacy and she said she wouldn't refill my script because I just got a bottle of tussinex from another pharmacy. I remember going home that night thinking OH ****, I am in trouble. I didn't know how much but I knew it was not good. I went home and started reading up on it and woke up the next morning shaking. I confessed to my husband and took my daughter to school. He was pissed and not understanding at all. I had to go through withdrawal and take care of my kids (also have a 17 year old) without help or support. I got clean and stayed that way for almost 5 months and then I took half of one for a migrain and then it's been on and off since then. I really want to stay clean for good this time. I have done better this last year and 3 or 4 times I made it 21 - 30 days then relapse. Thats why I think I need aftercare. My husband doesn't want me to becasue he is afraid I will run into someone we know there and then they would know about me. Makes it really hard because I am not as strong minded as he is and hurts he can not understand I need help. He thinks I have been clean since feb 2010 but I haven't. I don't do excessive amounts usually up to 40 or 50 mg max and never over 6 days or I have withdrawals. I will do it for a couple days and stop for a week and so on. All I have learned is to controll it better and hide it better. I feel so guilty becasue I am lying to my whole family. I am dying inside and want out but don't know how to ask for help. This is harder than anything I have had to do. I was was addicted to meth and would shoot up several times a day when I was 19-21 and was able to quit and stay sober for 13 years. I did go into a inpatient hospital, mainly because I had a nervous breakdown but they helped me with my drug problem. Thats why I know I need meetings. I have even thought about going behind his back but again scared I might run into someone and then him find out. I once found a place online that did onine meetings but can not find the site again. I know I am rambling on but feel as if I have no one to talk to who understands. I hate myself for who I have become. If you saw me on the street you would never know I have a drug problem. I have been addicted to meth, coke, xanex and have done everything. I know my life will be some much more fulfilling once I am clean just need help getting there. Today will be day one. Have not been using a lot everyday so not sure how withdrawal will be. I am 16 hours since I took any and am fine, just emotionial which I stay. I am throwing out the rest of the perc's I have so they do not tempt me. I usually do vicodin and would normally be in wd if I were going to have any, Is it different for Perc's?? I was only doing 40 mg max.

[vantart]

Sounds like you really want to get sober. The meetings allow for a spiritual connection for me which we addicts so desperately need. Isolation has been our creed for so long. So what if you see some one you know at a meeting. There's no reason to hang out with that person if they are not good for you. move on. You may need to get some help from a doctor. I'm at day 24 coming off  80mg of methadone use daily. I had to be given naltrexone to block the  opiate receptors in my brain. It allows for a defense against the "addict thinking"I take it every morning. Its insurance that even if I start with that train of thought it doesn't matter. I would have to take enough to kill me to feel it. Why bother. I've been on and off the methadone several times. Sounds like relapse is a part of your story. One more thing, recently I came across a book called "Staying Sober" by Terrence Gorski. This guy is the man when it comes to relapse prevention(according to an addiction counselor I know). He identifies 30 warning signs that occur before we pick up. When I read that and saw I was scoring on over 20 of them it was a real eye opener. A lot of these things go on unconsciously.
You might find the info helpful. He has several other books out. They have them at the local library. It helped me to understand what is going on with me. I kept on beating myself saying "why can't I get sober and stay sober" "what the hell is wrong with me"
A lot of answers came in Mr. Gorski's info. May help you too. Hang in there. We are in this fight together!

[nomorepills66]

please follow me on my new profile at nomorepills66 . I am having this one deleted used a screen name that if someone I knew was on here would know who I am.

[gnarly_1]

HI I agree with Sara and Ang if you want off the roller coaster meeting are the way to go tell your hubby if you meet someone there there in the same boat as you and it would be very doubtful they wold tell anyone or judge you N/A or A/A both have great programs and will teach you the skills and give you the tools that you need to recover...I often say it is the very way we think that needs to change to get well please dont loose hope you can beet this thing and it is really refreshing to meet someone that is ready to comite to aftercare
this is something you need to do for you dont hesitate keep posting for support
good luck and God bless.....Gnarly    

[ang_811]

Thanks Sarah..

Missa923....how r u doing tonight?

[dominosarah]

Very nice post ang~~~~

[ang_811]

Ur story reminds me of me sooo much...I first got clean in june of last year..I started seeing a counselor then..I got clean for 54 days and then relapsed..Got back up and made it another 70 days clean and relapsed..I had to stop and think what else do i need to do?? I was hiding and scared and kicking and screaming the whole way..I never learned how to give up and accept the fact that im an addict who cant have ne mind altering substance..I was very stubborn..It wasnt until i started attending meetings where i found some great sense of clarity and could finally just surrender..It took me 6 months to get to this place n my mind but man was is it worth every single day i struggled..Its a great feeling to know i dont ever have to use again and that i am in fact gonna be ok....I guess what im saying to u is that start attending meetings. They will help u so much..Its completly annonymous and those peole are there for the same reason u are..Also, secrets keep us sick..U got to take care of u right now..U might have to get a lil selfish but its a good selfish..So many good things are happening to me since i got clean..Im grateful for every breath i take, every sunset i see,  and every night i lay my head on my pillow sober is such an amazing feeling..U will get here..I promise..it will just take some time. I know it did for me....keep us posted on how ur doing....Angie ♥

[dominosarah]

I saw that after i posted!!!  You came here a couple months before i did.

[missa923]

Thanks. It is not my 1st time here but my first time to keep coming back. I really want this to work this time. I was clean for so long so I know I have it in me. Thanks for the support, it really helps to have someone who understands and doesn't judge me.

[dominosarah]

Hi and welcome to the forum!!  We all understand where you are coming from as we have been there.  I know how lost you feel right now but there is hope.  Dont be ashamed of being an addict.  Many good things come out of this as we get our lives back and it is even better than before.  I would sit down and have a heart to heart with your hubby.  Tell him you are going to get recovery care and if you do run into someone there it will be a plus for you, one more supportive person on your side.  You have to take care of you and do whatever it takes to get off this roller coaster.  We dont see many who first come on here and want the recovery care so this is nice to see!!   You have been thru alot in the past and now it is time to get you better and do some real living.  Keep talking with us~~sara