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Death, Denial, coping, not coping, relapse

Well, I survived THE worst 2 weeks fo my life.  Why I've been dealt this hand, God only knows.  My dad, best friend, hero, my rock, is gone...I'm in denial.  I can't quite grasp that yet.  I cry daily, sob and sob.  My mother in law was in town, and I think from stress, my sinus infection, crying and everything I had a week long migraine-perfect opportunity to take narcotics right?  She gave me a couple vics....and the door opened.  Then she gave me a several Fioricet WITH codeine....NOW I understand the difference.  I still use fioricet but with no codeine....and I still have a lot left of my rx....but the codeine makes all the difference in the world.  I managed to get my Neurologist to give me 20 with codeine and a new doctor 30 percs.  That was friday.  I'm out of all of them.  I numbed the pain and tears for a little while.  Thanks for those who were concerned.  My husband is worried sick about me.  My whole family is actually.  I AM too....I have to start over.  I think I was at 6 or seven weeks when I found my father dead-Worried-where were we at?  Anyways....that's where I'm at.  I'm going to bed.  I was gonna go to a meeting tonight-NA meeting.  But I almost crashed several times on the way home tonight.  I'm ashamed of my decisions, I know my father would be too....I'm done though you guys, it was just a very good reason, for very bad choices.  I'm just so lost, and so so so depressed about losing one of the most important people in my life.... I just don't know.  I'm done with the pills again.  I'm not even going to try to scam the doctors.  I bought myself a mere 3 days of numbness, and I know it has done me little to no good.  He's still gone, my heart is still damaged, my soul still empty.
23 Responses
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Avatar universal
Awwww honey. I can totally understand. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I know I sent you a pm but you don't have  to answer it as I am sure you have a ton of them. Just know that I have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!!!
Helpful - 0
340590 tn?1290952141
(((((((((flutter))))))))))))))  you know i love ya sweetie, and i have thought about you everyday.  dont beat yourself up.  you stated on your post that you bought yourself a couple days numbness that did no good.  i am so sorry you are going through this, but you have to deal with this pain.  i cant even imagine what you are going through.  but please draw your strenght from your father.  he would want you to go on with your life without the pills. he would want you to honor his memory by being the best you, you can be.  and you are a wonderful person due to the wonderful dad you had.  he loved you as much as you loved him.  i am here for you anytime you need.  i am praying for your to find your way.  i love you
cathy
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am happy that you are getting back on the clean track and I really am so sorry that you had to go through this. I am sending lots of hugs, love, and prayers your way.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yeah, having to quit pills cold turkey a couple months ago was the worst thing ever.  But having my dad ripped from me?  And me finding him?  OMG, I'm just so traumatized.  We talked every day.  He helped me through one of the worst days of w/d's.   I'm not ready to say goodbye.  I'm over the pills though.  That was stupid.  I don't care though, not that big of a deal.  Ladies, love to you both. THanks for the prayers, I need and appreciate them.  Goodnight.  :(
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i a so sorry for your loss...the pain you are feeling must be over whelming...
but you have to care for yourself hun, first and foremost.  you have to carry on and be strong, i know, easier said than done...
again, i am so sorry for your loss, just know you are not alone...you have all of us as your support system when needed..
take care sweetie!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Good night sweetie. Try to get some rest. Much love to you.
Helpful - 0
390416 tn?1275185087
Flutta..i am so sorry for the loss of yuor dad...i have  thought of you every day and wondered how you were...don't beat yourself up for trying to numb your feelings..

getting clean and dealing w/ the death of a parent...that's a lot ot deal w/ all at once!

crying is GOOD...sobbing is better..let all that pain and grief flood out of your body..

1234betterlife has a journal on the  5 stages of grief.....check it out..maybe it will help!

I'm always around if you need/want to talk.....I've MISSED you around here....

<3 ~hugs~ <3
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Time is the only thing that helps...minute by minute..sounds silly and simple..but it's true
I think about you everyday too...I hope you really know we are here for you..whenever...
Take care,
Newgirl
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You never have to say good-bye, your Dad lives on inside, in you in your heart, he will always be there. My heart goes out to you. Limbo
Helpful - 0
306455 tn?1288862071
Flutter,
I feel so bad for you, I can feel your emptiness. I know it has to be awful. And now to add to it, you have to get off the drugs again.  I can't blame you though, I don't think I would have been strong enough either. I know there's really no words that will take away the pain, only time will lighten your load. Take care of yourself.
Hugs to you,
Magi
Helpful - 0
417564 tn?1287982827
My heart goes out to you...I lost my father in August 2001 and throughout our detox, I have felt such sorrow.  There are times it is still so fresh...I know nothing I can say will ease your pain but you are in our thoughts and prayers.
Draw the strength you need from your father...I still do that alot.
Peace
Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
I am sorry about your dad...losing mine is so scary...the thought of it...but i know I will one day....perhapps with only usin 3 days the WDs will not be too bad...keep posting..you know what you have to do now..let me know if I can help in any way
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am so sorry for your loss...I am glad u are back u were missed...Grieving is such a difficult process..I can't even begin to tell you i understand, like u my dad is my best friend, and i still have him, one day i know i will not...
Since u were using , u probably will feel more of the mental part, so just prepare yourself...But in order to have closer you need to feel and not be numb...We are all here to help you.....
Again i am sorry...
r2r
Helpful - 0
410221 tn?1227631837
When I lost my mother is when my use of the pain pills got really out of hand so please be careful. We want to numb this pain and push it away. Really what you have to do is feel it and deal with it. If you don't do it now you will have to at some point.

As Toxictome says there are 5 stages of grief so read that info. I know you are feeling like your heart has been ripped out and there is nothing there but an empty hole. These are horrible but normal feelings and the pills will not make that go away.

Hugs,

ChiChi
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm not going to take anymore pills.  It did help numb the pain, I shed alot less tears, but tears are normal.  I just can't believe my Dad's gone, just like that.  It's going to be a tough road ahead of me.  I could care less about counting days of sobriety at this point.  I know I have to be sober....that's truth.  But this pain, cuts so deep into my soul, it's hard to breath, or want to go on......it's that bad.  He's so young, and full of life.  This is just so tragic.  THank you for your thoughts.  I don't know how active I'll be here on the forum, I've got so much going on here in my mind and home....but I'll check in.
Helpful - 0
199177 tn?1490498534
again I am so sorry i will continue to say prayers for you and your family .....
avis
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Flutter:
I have been praying for you and will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Praying for you and know the pain of losing someone it is not nice but we have to keep on at least for the others here. I am praying for you. Nothing really anyone can say that helps so just hang in there. Denial seemed to help alot for me I still think most of the time I am in denial especially when I joke around. U no??
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
man this is bringing tears to my eyes. In the gut.
Helpful - 0
306867 tn?1299249709
I so wish there was something I could say to take your pain away. Please just know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you much love.   Mary
Helpful - 0
401786 tn?1309152034
I'm so, so sorry.  I too lost my dad during all of this ****, and I never dealt with it.  When I stopped taking the med., things really smacked me in the face.  Please try to get back on track and don't kick yourself for your relapse.  I'm so sorry, I hope things are a little brighter in the weeks to come....

Jacqui
Helpful - 0
402205 tn?1230481005
I'm so very sorry that you have all of this to deal with. But you are strong and can do it. I have faith in you. Please know that I'm thinking of you and you're in my thoughts abnd prayers.

Much love,
Melissa
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
phlyon, i am so glad to see ya posting. ya know after our talk the other nite, i have been worried sick about you. i have come to love you and your family, and my heart breaks for you all. please, honor your father now, and kick that ****. i know ya can, and true healing and acceptance will not happen untill the numbing is over. ya know i am alwayz around if ya need me , and my prayers are with you all at this time of sorrow.. much love and respect phlyon, i miis you :(
Helpful - 0
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