Day 4, again, and hoping

[lynn2ck]

Oh my goodness, I'm quite sick of this.  I've been taking vicodin for about six years.  It started out innocently with one 5/500 for the first 2-3 years - oh the pep in my step it gave me!  Then a few years ago, of course, I started taking more.  As of recent, I've been up to 8-10 7.5/300 a day.  I've been really trying for about the last six months to quit it.  The most I've been able to go without it is 11 days - and boy do I wish I had kept going to that 12th day, but well.......

So I'm now on day 4 and the hardest part for me has been the energy, although it's not half as bad as it was before.  I started taking that new system, Thrive.  It's working wonders for me compared to the last several times I've tried to quit.  I didn't actually begin taking it for this reason - I wanted to take it for the benefits it says it has such as weight management, mental clarity, energy, etc, but it really has helped cut my withdrawals down tremendously.  Incredibly, actually.  I think without the Thrive my energy would be about half what it is and that would drive me crazy.  I have two small children, and being an older mother, I have a hard time keeping up with them.  Now, before anyone says anything - believe me, I'm not trying to promote or recommend Thrive in anyway.  It's just what's helped me with the physical withdrawals.  That said - it doesn't touch the mental part.  I crave that little buzz of energy I get when I pop two vics - and it's amazing how much housework gets done, how much I can go outside and play with my kids, how much happier I seem to be because I'm not dragging around.  

I know my addiction is hurting me - it's hurting my body.  I know that.  But I also know that it's not hurting my family or anyone else.  I think that's kind of what always makes me go back to it too - my addiction isn't hurting anyone.  I'm crabbier without it.  I'm lethargic without it.  I can't keep up with my kids without it.  My personality only changes for the happier with it.  I guess, and I'm hoping that after a few weeks or a month that I will have the full energy on my own - that my brain chemistry will change back and not depend on the opiates to make me upbeat.  

Now on to another problem.  I do need to get one more prescription filled because I took my mom's prescription - and I need to replace it before she notices.  She was in a car accident last year and her doctor gave her 20.  She's never taken even one.  She just doesn't take pain pills unless it's absolutely necessary - I'm sure not like my mother, huh?  But I know she has them, so I've taken them and replaced them when I've run out.  I have to replace them now, and in order to do that, I need to fill one more script, and I need to do it next week when I'm able because if she find out I've taken hers then she is going to be furious with me.  I'm scared every day that she's going to find her empty bottle before I can replace them.  So....when I replace her 20, I'm left with 110.  What to do with those?  I guess I'll give them to my husband to get rid of - I'm really hoping I'm strong enough by next week to do that.  

Here's to hoping.  Hoping that I'm upbeat and have my own energy without the opiates.  Hoping that I will stop missing that little buzz it gives me.  Hoping that I can do this.

[tooter212]

It just hit me. I always felt normal after a 6 pack. Not drunk , just normal. The pills don't even give me that. I always could keep up or pass everybody when drinking. Get housework done in no time. Play with the kids. Be a great wife. Be all to everyone but me. I did that for so many years ( teen through 40"s, I'm 73 now) I don't even know what my speed or temperament is. I don't even know who I really am. I just know who I would like to be and what I'd like to be. I love a clean pretty house and I'm just barely able to keep it that way with the help of 2, 10mg hydrocodone and a house keeper twice a month. I'm saying all this to tell you to take a look at your life and see if your cut out to be what your chasing .God Bless you

[spider6]

Hi there....omg .....how about WITH the pills, you be DEADIER, cuz eventually it will come down to that. You are fooling yourself if you think you're not hurting anyone honey......you aren't thinking clearly.

Yes and I agree with the above posters......I can tell by your "justifying" that you're just not "there" yet.  Girl, screww those 20 pills...if your mom hasn't taken them in a year...she's not going to miss them....but she'd miss you, if something happened to you during that 110 pill excess that you are "worried" about what to do with.......you aren't thinking clear.  

If you're an older mom..NOW is the time to get your shite together to be strong physically and mentally for your lil ones.....the longer you put it off, the harder it will be. Trust me.

There is an abundance of support on this forum, I hope you stay and decide to "change" something......."nothing changes, if nothing changed" right?

The energy and happiness does take time to come back, push through, and get outside support and aftercare.  

I wish you the best chickie...hope to see you around for "the good fight"

Hugs spider ((((8))))

[Frogger76]

One thing in your post really stuck out to me, when you say your not hurting your family. You stole pills from your mother, that's hurtful. I'm not judging you in any way, during my addiction, I stole pills from my dad. Chances are, your mom already knows. Maybe she just doesn't know how to confront you with it?? We all think we hide our use so well, truth is, we don't. I really think you should come clean with your mom. Don't worry about replacing the pills, what's done is done. If you want to get clean, be honest with your family.  Don't fill the script. Replacing stolen pills should be the last thing on your mind. Sit your husband and mom down, and lay it all out on the table. Most of us have been there.  Good luck and take care....

[Jerry198]

I wish the best and if you have done this before than you know whats up for the next week.  the part of hmmmmm what to do with the other 110 wells lets think ummmmm yes if your an addict which that's up to you to tag yourself with but from what you've stated I think we know the answer you cant have pills at your disposal so make a plan to repay what you have taken an dump the rest asap or they will drive you crazy. good luck.

[Danny111]

I'm sorry if this seems harsh but I have to agree with the above post.  The idea that your using not only doesn't hurt your family but even makes you better around them is just the drugs thinking.  The same goes for the statement that you need to get one more prescription filled.

The pills don't make you happier.  and they certainly don't make you a better mother.  

[jifmoc]

Hi. I recognize your name. Whoa. Your post is full of red flags. Like:

" But I also know that it's not hurting my family or anyone else.  I think that's kind of what always makes me go back to it too - my addiction isn't hurting anyone.  I'm crabbier without it.  I'm lethargic without it.  I can't keep up with my kids without it.  My personality only changes for the happier with it."

I'm tempted to convince how wrong you are but it's not up to me to convince you how much damage you are doing. It's up to you to be absolutely beyond sick and tired of this life. Are you really?

The issue w/ your mother is another red flag. That is crazed addict behavior 101. If you want to stop this craziness...and it is craziness, you cannot pick up a script for anyone and you need to let the consequences happen w/ your mom. Your thinking is entirely "using addict." That is what needs to change in order to get clean and stay clean. Are you willing to do what it takes? Even if it's very uncomfortable? That's up to you.