Desperate and ashamed

[ChillyDanger]

Been taking Percocet for years. Started out with a couple here and there for fun. 10 years later they are ruining my life. They do not make me happy. I was a functioning addict for 9 years but now I am starting to mess up. My job and my family and wife are suffering because of me. I want off so bad brut I am so scared of the withdrawal symptoms and the embarrassment of telling everyone. My wife know and my dad and sister but that's it. Everyone else just thinks I'm depressed and sick. I went two days without and the feelin was unbearable. I guess I'm a wimp but I felt terrible. Shakes. Nausea. No appetite. Grouchy. Crying and the taste in my mouth is awful. I went back. I take 50 perks a day. I am so ashamed of myself. I am letting everyone down. I feel so alone and scared. These drugs rule my life. All I do is worry about when they are coming next. I put them in front of everything else. Family friends work my health. They are always on my mind. I never sleep. I have sat outside of the detox centre crying but can't go in. I have not lost everything yet but feel it is going start soon. Not sure why I am posting this but I am anyway. Not asking for help from you strangers but felt like writing it down might help. Thanks for listening

[ChillyDanger]

Hey, been a couple years but I am 60 days clean and doing well. Just thought I would update you

[Davidmel]

What an inspiration! Thank u! I just read the thread

[ChillyDanger]

8 days. Thanks guys.  Took a little Codiene. Not much. Helped a little but not worth it. 8 days clean of the hard stuff. Hope that counts. The codeine was just the Canadians. 8 mg you buy otc. Does that mean I screwed up or does this count as 8 days clean of oxy?

[spider6]

Hey brother...grants, you're back!!!!

Uh, that would be a big fat NO to the codeine ....no. What karibear said above. Anything you can get OTC is not going to have much codeine but a lot of Tylenol or aspirin...both of which are really hard on your stomachs and liver....I stress this because if you are so addictively inclined...you will take more and more of the OTC ...you know wh'Imtalkin bout....I know you do.
I myself am a codeine ***** ...yup....disgusting right?  Be kind to your liverbones !!

You're just getting over the hump any second now.....the sleep .....ya know what brother, just stop thinkin about it...it will come when it comes...don't let it be the deal breaker for you....tough it out...try making your body as physically tired as possible...kill it during the day...move!! Lol it truly works for both depression and insomnia !

Keep rockin it man..you got this!
Peace and hope, ((((8)))) ....and hugs

[BearsFan1966]

you would be trading one drug for another! Stay away from codeine~I have heard some pretty bad WD from it! You are doing good, how many days now?

[ChillyDanger]

Does over the counter codeine hurt my progress?

[gnarly_1]

He Dude hang in there sleep will come but it returns slowly fist it will be cat naps then hour here and there then some decent sleep  congrats on 5 days....................Gnarly.......................

[Christina99]

Reading your thread and wish I had words of wisdom to share with you. So many amazing people on here that put me to shame. Just want you to know I'm thinking about you and hope you find some peace.

[ChillyDanger]

Well. I am at it again. 5 and 1/2 days clean.  Wow. Tough five days. Mood has improved. Two things really bothering me.  One is my feet hurt!! I mean really hurt. Stabbing pains.  Second is the insomnia. I have not slept one minute in 5 nights.  Not one. Will I pass out eventually??? Going bat **** crazy!!

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Just a few day ahead of you, brother. Never thought I could do this either. Thought I was a wimp. Thank God this forum and my Angels ( sent from God above) were there 24/7 to get me through the first few days and then the next few days and now we are working on day17. You can and will be stronger than you think you can. Every time I would get weak or have a bad minute, hour or day, I would read and POST. Just doing that saved me.

Started NA and AA every day after 5th day. Has helped a great deal, made many new non judgmental, non using friends, who know where I am at, and who really care. Go and get this support. It will save you. God bless you.

[ChillyDanger]

Day three of cold turkey.

[NeverAgain127]

Great post, qpatty!

[qpatty]

Just my opinion but I really feel like you either need to taper down a whole lot before quitting or get into an inpatient program. Stop worrying about what other people will think of you-this is your life and you need to do whatever it takes. It would also help if you could find a way to just calm down and breathe. You have yourself so worked up about this that you aren't really thinking clearly. Take a step back and calm yourself down a bit. I have heard that methadone is harder to come off of than the percs you are currently taking so in essence you are just prolonging the inevitable. I wasn't taking as much as you but I was taking a good 16-20 vic 10's a day. I quit cold turkey and it wasn't easy but I survived it. You just have to be ok with feeling not ok for awhile. I cried a lot, screamed sometimes, begged for divine intervention on occasion, and watched every second on the clock take an hour for several days. But you know what? I survived and so can you. You CAN do this. You just have to regain control of your brain and thought process. Treat your brain as if it were the enemy. I used to tell my brain that I don't care how awful I feel I am not giving you anymore d*** pills so you might as well get over it! And eventually it gave up and I started to feel better.

I just hate to see anybody get addicted to something that is even harder to get off of.

And I want you to know that if I could do this for you, I would. And I sincerely mean that. I would gladly go through that h*** again to help someone who is so afraid of the unknown because I now know that it is sooo much better on the other side.

I wish you success in whatever road you choose. Patty

[jifmoc]

I just re-read this thread. Why is it you can't go to inpatient? Sorry, if I missed the answer.

[jifmoc]

Chilly- I can hear your anxiety. It's such an addict trait to have know the answers although the rehab centre will explain it all in 8 hours!:) Not sure of the answers, anyway.

Listen, my friend, just walk in there and say these words "Help me." It's a great start for you. Don't forget to be 100% honest about how much you take.

I don't want to talk you out of taking action. I just want you to know that going on methadone will not cure your addict brain. It will keep you off 50 pills a day, yes. But, methadone is supposed to be very short term. The bigger picture is facing reality w/o substances. That's where our work is and that's when you will really find the peace that you are looking for.

Go in there, ask questions, get answers. And come back and tell us!!!

Glad you're still w/ us. Great sign:)

[ChillyDanger]

Hey. Just letting you know still here. Planning on going to the rehab center in the morning. Going to ask for methadone to help get off oxy. I can't do it  otherwise. Does anyone know if they will give it to me right away or what they will ask me or do to me? Has anyone here tired methadone. Does it really take away the we symptoms. How much do they give you. I hear it's down thing you have to pick up everyday. I travel 3 or 4 days at at time. Will they make exceptions and give me enough for a few days at a time  been a rough week. No sleep. Been up crying a lot. Feel more alone them ever. Yesterday I could not work but couldn't stay home either. Just sat in my car crying. I used to be a good man. Wow just wow. I am a shadow of my former self. My son is getting married in August. I want to be free of this by then. Please God please. I am not religious but I hope someone up there is thinking of me. My wife knows but she just doesn't get it. I told her I was going to try again this week and she said it wasn't be that bad!!?!! How can she say that. It will be awful. I often wonder why no one has set up an intervention for me?? Enough people know and say they are worried but why is no one helping me. Maybe they think of me as my old self. The guy who Took care of everyone.  They juts don't realize that guy is gone. The pills rule my life now. They come first. Anyway. If anyone can answer my methadone questions I would appreciate it. Do I just ask? Is there s wait period? I want to start now!  God I hope I hope I can start now

[ChillyDanger]

Hey. Just letting you know still here. Planning on going to the rehab center in the morning. Going to ask for methadone to help get off oxy. I can't do it  otherwise. Does anyone know if they will give it to me right away or what they will ask me or do to me? Has anyone here tired methadone. Does it really take away the we symptoms. How much do they give you. I hear it's down thing you have to pick up everyday. I travel 3 or 4 days at at time. Will they make exceptions and give me enough for a few days at a time  been a rough week. No sleep. Been up crying a lot. Feel more alone them ever. Yesterday I could not work but couldn't stay home either. Just sat in my car crying. I used to be a good man. Wow just wow. I am a shadow of my former self. My son is getting married in August. I want to be free of this by then. Please God please. I am not religious but I hope someone up there is thinking of me. My wife knows but she just doesn't get it. I told her I was going to try again this week and she said it wasn't be that bad!!?!! How can she say that. It will be awful. I often wonder why no one has set up an intervention for me?? Enough people know and say they are worried but why is no one helping me. Maybe they think of me as my old self. The guy who Took care of everyone.  They juts don't realize that guy is gone. The pills rule my life now. They come first. Anyway. If anyone can answer my methadone questions I would appreciate it. Do I just ask? Is there s wait period? I want to start now!  God I hope I hope I can start now

[onthefence]

i was the Biggest wimp when it came to W/D , i think thats why i went so long before finally just detoxing, , i know everybodys different and thinking in black & white was a big part of my problem , now i have more of an open mind, and i empathize with those that need to detox with maintenance drugs, but i know for me, i had to just get them out of my life or i would of justified use until death or prison.

[liliansdream]

Going the suboxone route worked for me to get me off 12yrs of morphine.I could not have gone cold turkey. I would have been a wreck. I am not an expert, but I do believe Suboxone is a good tool for some. Some people just can't go CT and you are right Sub is better than staying in opiate abuse.. I would never want someone to feel less than if they had to go that route. It's about getting to a place of safety.

I really feel for you Chilly, and know you are not alone.  Whatever you decide keep coming here, and letting people who know what you are going through support you.  Just know and believe you can be free from this demon.

liliansdream

[Yesidid]

Keep going dude and keep coming back. Stop with the "I don't deserve your help stuff". Guilt keeps us down but there is no reason to feel guilty here. Feeling like we are helping others is the only thing that gives value to the stupid crap we did ourselves. So you are actually helping your fellow addicts! Secondly please stop thinking that there is some point at which you will "wear out your welcome. No matter how many times you try and relapse, no matter how many times you say you will and don't - you are among people who have relapsed and failed as often or more often than you. You won't wear out your welcome.

[ChillyDanger]

It's the WD that scares me. I am not a wimp. But this scare me. Last month I ran out for 48 hours. It was hell. I should have keep going but took the easy way out. I was like a crazed animal. Searching pockets and sofas and vacuum cleaners. Wow. How quick a proud man falls when his pills run out. I have let my job suffer and my relationships. What is wrong with me. How can those little white pills control my whole life. People warned me at first but I just laughed. I thought I was invincible. Real tough guy. Brought to his knees by 0363 or TEC

[pillguy]

I hear you.  I used suboxone to get some time away from the pills.  It's proper use is poorly understood by many of the docs prescribing it and this failing can leave people with a sense of hopelessness when they try to get off them.  I tapered to a very low dose and had moderate WDs.  I don't have enough info to advocate its use but it worked for me.  Harm reduction is good, sobriety is better.  Either is far better than a head long descent into narcotic abuse.

[pillguy]

You don't have to go to detox as a prerequisite for posting here.  It's wonderful to see you looking forward to a life without the damn pills.  Keep posting !

[dominosarah]

You are making progress and you will never wear out your welcome~

[liliansdream]

I hear your pain and your fear.  I have been there too.  We all have different pain thresholds, how much sickness we can tolerate.  I may be kicked off this forum for even suggesting this, but if you cannot possibly go through a cold turkey withdrawal "many can't, or do and relapse as soon as they get out of detox because they feel so sick, weak and unable to cope", a better alternative to popping 50 percs a day would be to go on a low dose of Suboxone SHORT TERM... IT WILL STOP THE WITHDRAWAL, AND GIVE YOU SOME TIME TO PLAN YOUR RECOVERY.  

Suboxone is not something to stay on long term, and I would not suggest this to anyone who had a short term, relatively low opiate intake, but you are 8 years and up to 50 a day.  Before doing anything else you have to tell your family how serious this is.... it is a disease, one not very well understood by those who have not experienced it but it is unfair to them to not let them help. I know the shame and the pride thing all too well. I was a normal middle aged woman with children, successful business, very conservative who never would have believed it would happen to her. Most addicts are good people who made the wrong decision.  Ibogaine may also be helpful to you.  There are clinics in Mexico and other places around the world.  You can research Ibogaine on.line. it has been a miracle answer to many.  

I hope others on here who are big proponents of cold turkey and believe that is the only way, can give me grace and understand there are some who can't do it that way. Why not use tools out there that when used INFORMED  WISELY can be stepping stones to success.  

All the best.. keep posting ... others care

liliansdream