Doomed. Who is the expert here???

[creek]

You would think after listening to me for six months about my addiction and how I would love to be clean, one of you experts out there would tell me I am full of bullchit and I need to get to rehab before I kill myself with drugs.  
But no, I just continue to lie and you continue to support and love me and listen to the bullchit.
I am doomed to addiction.  I can't do a damn thing without the pills and I panic, spend TONS of money and I am going round and round.  Just like a broken record, here I am again, telling you how sad I am, and how much it sucks to be me.  
I know many of you have said it. GET SOME FREAKIN HELP GIRL!! I know I need tough love, and you are telling the truth.  Funny how we weed out those who have us all figured out, and stick with those that will listen to all my lies.
NO OFFENSE INTENDED TO ANYONE WHO HAS EVER WRITTEN ME A WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT...DON'T GET ME WRONG....YOU SAVED MY LIFE ALREADY...but man, who am I kidding anymore???
It is pitiful to keep coming here, not changing or trying to change.  I am not helping anyone else by my actions and can't find the balls to try to GIVE advice that I can't take.

Well, glad I got that off my chest.  Being mad at all of you certainly helps my problems...you know I really have mad a mess of my friendships here, and it is because of my self chosen isolation and choosing drugs over living and communicating.  I have put myself first and those of you who support me most...well I have let you believe I am wonderful, and I am not.

I am still the old me, the same one who arrived  here in tears six months ago pleading for help.  I see a pattern of behavior in MY LIFE in this tiny forum of "LIFE".  This is how I act and treat ppl because I choose drugs.  Sorry I have been out of communicato angels, you are worried and I don't even give a damn do I??  I will come a crawling some day when I am out of drugs, money, and any self esteem and cry on your shoulder once again.  You should kick me to the curb and tell me to get help.  But then again, you know as well as I do that it isn't going to happen.  I NEVER admit and I NEVER tell.  Craziness is my middle name, and I strive for nothing more than my next fix.  God the truth hurts.  And the "it's all about me" hurts too.  YOU HAVE ALL BEEN MORE DESERVING OF A GOOD FRIEND THAN ONE THAT TREATS YOU SECOND, well, treats EVERYTHING second to drugs.
I'll be home today.  Will check e-mail too, almost hoping there isn't one letter interested in me or my wellbeing, wishing you would all forget about me and give up.  It makes it harder to be an addict when I make friendships and start loving ppl.  I do love you guys, all of you.  I can't ignore the impact of these friendships...I thought it wouldn't hurt you or me to leave and quit the conversations.  Thing is, it does hurt me, I do think of you all, and I wonder if I could be helping in your life, too.  I want to remain on on the forum for help.  Just feel like I can't walk away...there is something...some LOVE that is tapping at my heart...I hear you.  I am ignoring your advice, but I HEAR YOU...in my heart.

Peace everyone.  I'll be on.  Let's talk  if you want to angels and forum friends.

[LIZZIE LOU]

sweetie...i am going to be honest here...YOU ARE SO FULL OF SH*T ! ! !

DOOMED TO ADDICTION?   only because you choose to be.   LETTING US DOWN AND FOOLING US?   i don't think so.   girl...do you think we are stupid or something?...lol.   you are not fooling us and the only person you are letting down and fooling is yourself...you should do this for YOU...and you only...and not worry about what we think.

my questions for you KK are these...who gave you permission to slowly kill yourself?   why are you so scared to live?   what are you afraid of sweetie?   what is that "mask of addiction" covering?

a couple of weeks ago, you sent me an email saying that you were ready to talk...still waiting.   i'm not going anywhere KK (except maybe to your house...hehe).   you are not fooling me...AND...i still love ya anyway.

i'm waiting sweetie.............................

huggs,
kim...one of your angels

[LIZZIE LOU]

DAMN STRAIGHT I'M SERIOUS...ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK...I WILL HELP YOU KK...ANY WAY...ANY TIME ! ! ! !

AND FURTHERMORE...I'VE GOT A PRETTY MEAN LEFT FOOT...LOL

LOVE YA SWEETIE...
KIM

[oxysbliss]

Girl..............If you were so much closer to me, or at least not in a different country.................I wouldl come flush your pills...........clean you up.........and keep you busy

KK, you cant do this on your own..............that painfully obvisous...........You have to be the one that is honest...You have to reach out and just do it......Its not going to feel good, it isnt going to be pleasent...You are going to cry, be in pain and everything ever imaginable..........all I can say is this...........If you be as honest as you can be with yourself.................The rest will follow.......but it has to start with you...

so when you are writing an email...or writing a post...........and you go backand reread it.........and you see yourself lying.......Its up to you to change that.......The rest of us cant dot hat for you.......although I wish I could.......If I had a passport........I would come visit you thru the entire summer..........but I dont.............so as a friend.........I need it to start with you..........and freedom will come...............but I will tell you girl.............it isnt going to be easy

Im here for you........Even when you arent here...or you are here and your reading and crying in front of that computer screen because you just want help...and to be free of it...................You cant do that alone......not by yourself.......So girl..........Get up........and do what you have to do for you!! Start small if you have to........but you have to do it..........

KK, I love you girl............You have been one of my greatest supporters......and when your not here..........You are seriously missed.........I dont comment as much when I dont see my friends around.......or when I think they are just too busy for me............so I sit back and wait.....

I am soo happy ...........that you admitted what you have...........It has to start with you..........So while your pill jar is empty........and you go thru the wds...........Reach out for help...........with money, your addictions........whateer the case maybe.................and go against the only grain you have known for so long............You can..and its up to you!!

Whatever you need me for KK Im here.......If you need to be on the phone...for a few hours...and cry and scream it all out..and you dont nwant to be alone...Call me....Im always here.......Somewhere...

I lvoe you girl....

Hang in there...........and start making your choices.......

Love
Dreamweaver!!

[FLaddict]

None of us are walking away... even if you want us to. I am with the girls.. if I could I would hop a plane.. but I am getting married in a few days so its not possible. Stop disappearing on us.... we worry. We want to help if you want to get better. We can't help you if you aren't here. Girl I love ya.. stick around..

[jen46342]

I remember you from the short bit of time I spent here before.....again, speaking from an "outsider's" point of view, addiciton is a horrific and damaging thing. It tears apart lives and relationships, destroys them, manipulates them, and controls them. Addiciton is NOT a choice. Maybe in the beginning, but as the disease progresses the body craves the addiciton and it is near impossible by means of will power alone to seek the answer to the problem. So you tell people who don't know you lies...don't we all addicts or not? So you give support to others and throw your own advice out the window. Most addicts do. Just because you have an addiciton does not mean you don't have a conscience or set of morals.......Being an addict doesn't mean you are stupid or that you can't feel empathy for others. I think one of the worst things an addict can experience is the emotional turmiol they experince. Just knowing how their live is spiralling downward and out of control while they want so deperatly to climb out of their slump they just can't. Knowing that their addiciton hurts themselves and those close to them but failing to "turn over that new leaf". Living day in and day out for that high what ever the addiciton may be while neglecting to take care of what is most important must be a truely impossible feeling for anyone.

i look at addicts from an empathic point of view. I feel for their pain and wish their was a magical "something" to fix it and make it better painlessly...but it just isn't like that.

So lie to us all....tell us anything you wish. I could be doing the same for all anyone knows. Life is what you make of the opportunities you have in front of you or at your reach. No one is going to work on your treatment and recovery harder than you should. When the time is right and you are comfortable with facing the many demons in this unforgivable battle, you will make the right choices, confide in the right people, and do the right thing...God willing....

Everyone isa  good person even if not immediately on the surface.

[Marce4]

You are a goofball and YES you are full of **** be you are ENDEARINGLY full of ****!  We love you unconditionally and we all want you to get well.  I do NOT think you can do this alone though!  You are in a vicious cycle and you need to get off this merry-go-round!  Please..;is there anyway you can get to a rehab!!!!  You need help my dear friend!!!!! You want to get clean but I don't think you have figured out how to do this....it ain't happening with a taper (been there and tried that) c/t hasn't worked either....you need to get help from professionals! If I could I would join LizzieLou and come over there and sit with you....obviously I can't but I want you to get through this!

Glad you came back!  You were missed!
Marcie:)

[manonfire]

Funny. You are one of my angels! I didn't know I was one of yours...You aren't fooling us with bs, we are all full of that! Just yourself. You will do the right thing. I know you will. You are almost there. This forum really f's up your high. Makes it tough to bliss out on dope. It's always there in the back of your mind, like an itch you can't scratch. Maybe there IS a better way. Keep trying to scratch that itch hun!

[manonfire]

I like being the only guy in this post! ;-)