Feeling horrible and scared, need support and encouragement

[Jenelle2020]

Hi everyone, again I don't mean to sound wimpy but I am having a terrible time here. I feel like this is not going to go away and every day I wake up and I am so sick with that horrible withdrawal feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just feel so scared, horrible intrusive thoughts, I feel like I am neurotic.I am so unhappy amd all I think about is having an oxycodone to make this feeling go away. I keep getting obsessive compulsive thoughts of death and of people close to me dying, I try to stop them and tell myself I am being silly but they won't go away. I am still so nauseated and nothing makes me happy. I hate to get out of bed in the morning because I just don't know what to do with myself, I have no interest in everything. I have everything to live for, a wonderful, caring husband who spoils me rotten and I love him to death and I keep thinking something bad is going to happen to him, and I have three great kids. I went to the doctor the other day and he doesn't understand why I should still be in withdrawal and told me I am depressed and offered me an antidepressant which I declined. I have a lump in my throat which tells me I am depressed and unhappy. I just feel like I am never going to be happy again or have any interest in anything. I am still forcing myself to eat, nothing appeals to me. Sorry this is so depressing but it is just the way I am feeling. I just want to know that this will pass and when. Thanks for listening.

[BarbRTR]

Hey there. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. The thoughts you're having about death, loved ones etc, I am having too. I am a few days short of ten months, and they came out of nowhere. It's been going on awhile now, and I can't stop them on my own. I decided to go see a psych ( haven't yet) and get on an AD. I fought this, but I can't live with them any longer.

Of course, I took ADs pretty much my whole life pre opiates. I know this natural way is what I want for myself, but I don't think it's right for me at this time. I need some help. ( Most ADs don't cause me weight gain, one actually causes weight loss, but at this point I don't care if I gain 100lbs, I need help)

You are still very early, and as Clean in KS says, you have had a bunch of chemicals in your body recently, so it might get better with time.

I'm concerwned as bad as you're feeling, basically since March, you may want to give up. So please know if you seek help via an AD, you're not failing. Yes, it would be great if recovery was an exact science, but it's not. Some of us may just have brains that need a jump to get those natural brain chemicals re started and flowing in the right direction.

That doesn't mean the AD will fix everything. It's an aid, along with the exersize, therapy, healthy eating and all that. And I'm not saying go get on one, just please please keep it as an option. Depression isn't all in your head. It's a real imbalance of chemicals, and sometimes, not something we can fix on our own.

You have come so far. But please don't think this is what the rest of your life will be like. It will get better.

Are you going to aftercare and do you have support from your family? I'm sorry if you said that and I missed it.

[Sonrissa]

Hi Jenelle, come to think of it, I have gained a couple of pounds since I started taking an antidepressant. I wasn't too concerned about it cause I was a little underweight in my opinion. I will have to keep an eye on it as I certainly don't want to go in the other direction. However I will say that I would gladly take the couple of pound gain, in order to feel so much better. For me, it's worth it. Take care!

[clean_in_ks]

Jenelle...I'm so hurting for you...I know it's been over 7 days since you expressed how awful you were feeling and so sorry you still are...but know this...you are NOT a wimp!

Girl....Since March your little body has gone thru H*LL....and it's just over 4 weeks since you've been off everything except the clonazepam.
I, too, have stopped, w/drawn from,  started, eliminated, tried, 8 different prescription meds since my journey with all this began in June 2012.  I mentioned this in your other thread....but it isn't just the methadone/oxy's doing this to you right now.  Consider all you've been on and gotten off in the past 6 mos or so:

Methadone...totally synthetic opioid
Oxycodone....short acting opiate
Clonazepam....benzo
Zopliclone.....nervous system depressant/tranquilizer
Geodon....atypical antipsychotic
Nabilone...synthetic cannibus
Maxeran.....dopamine inhibitor

It's NO WONDER you feel awful!  It took anywhere from 30/60/90 days for me to adjust to stopping OR starting a new med...and then about the same amount of time to RE-ADJUST after getting off yet another one.  I know you don't want to hear "healing time"...girl....I know you don't.  The nausea and weight loss go with these w/drawal and discontinuation syndromes your body is trying to heal from.
Here's a paragraph from what I typed on your other post:

"That being said, the methadone and oxycodone are brutual in and of themselves.  The clonazepam dose "reduction" obviously played into your experiences, too, plus that drug's MOST common side effect IS WEIGHT LOSS. The zopliclone not only is a controlled substance, but depresses and tranquilizes our central nervous systems.
The geodon is an atypical antipsychotic;   the nabilone is synthetic cannibus; and the maxeran (metoclopramide) inhibits the action of dopamine.(and I need all the dopamine I can get...lol)  Patients who take antipsychotics are NOT recommended to take metoclopramide.
Girl....it's no wonder you feel like sh*t!!!  Your neurotransmitters, entire nervous system, GI tract.. on and on have been on a rollercoaster ride."

If you can MAKE yourself do "just a little more"...each day....IN TIME..(I know...gag a maggot)....you're gonna begin to feel better...with EVERY SINGLE passing hour, day and week....you ARE healing.  
I found this last time when I was SO overwhelmed with being sick getting OFF yet another non-addictive med they asked me to try for my pain and depression that OCCUPYING MY MIND....worked the best.  Heck, I've NEVER been interest in football.....or lots of stuff I'm doing now.  I'm still having to live thru each day with accepting limitations....setting harda** boundaries....but I'm keeping the faith.
I'm not on ANY prescription meds now after all these months...and I can tell ya...the 90 day mark was always a turning point for me....goin on a med AND getting off one.  
I totally "get" why you are afraid to add yet another prescription drug to your body at this point.  But if you do choose the AD....just remember it can take awhile to "work"....and you don't have to stay on it.
I will be thinking about you....and am hoping with your loving hub and great kiddos...and that wunnerful vaca coming up....you will hang on baby....you're healing......even tho you can't see it and don't feel like it~
(((HUGS)))
Connie  

[weaver71]

The reason I mentioned me having to take a new drug, I was scared as could be. Hated the idea. Do I have side effects, sure, but the side effects of not taking one where far worse. Supposedly my hair will start thinning, I will gain weight, and a certain level of dull is already happening. At least I want to live now. I know women worry about looks and weight than men, but we all have to weigh the benefits and consequences. I personally feel drunk on AD's. I am not advising what to do, but after a year of feeling horrible, I had to do something. Hope you find some peace soon.

[Jenelle2020]

Thank you for the responses, I have been thinking seriously about getting on an antidepressant but worried about weight gain as it happened years ago when I was on one. for those of you who are taking one have you gained weight? Right now I shouldn't be too worried as I have lost over 32 pounds so far but it will probably come back. Also just the thought of putting another drug in me scares me, but right now everything scares me.

[Teri9498]

Awe jenelle I'm soooooo sorry ur feeling like this!!...I know 4 me its the WORST thing I've been thru, at times I thought I was going 2 die...I think all the above advice sounds good...I can't really say much BC I'm only 7days off...I haven't slept & my appetite is zero!!!...have u tried getting out everyday 4 some exercise??...I know that has helped me tons...believe me, I haven't wanted 2, but I've literally made myself!!..I wish I could help more, but I'm not as far in my detox, & who knows whats gonna happen then!!...I've been going 2 PM u 2 chk on u!!...feel better sweetie!!...ur in my thoughts!!..xxoo :)

[ImDONENoMore]

What a beautifully written post, lulu.  Thank you for sharing that :)

[lululuv995]

Just to add though I am on an ad and with my depression, anxiety and addiction I believe it's best to hit them from All angles.
For me this is medication, therapy, CBT, self help techniques and a recovery program, and it's when I've stopped doing one of them that I've relapsed or lapsed.
I also have two beautiful children who I enjoy caring for, yet I'm having to learn to look after myself!

So good luck you have come so far you need to realise and appreciate just how well you have done. I know my battle with opiates is one of the hardest I've ever faced...but we can do this.
Don't forget ask for help if you need to. I'm crap at that but working on it!!

[lululuv995]

Hiya,
When I was in rehab they taught us a lot about depression and the therapists talked a great deal about ...doing the opposite of how we feel...
So, I don't feel like getting up and dressed, so you do it and avoid isolating,
You wanna use/get high, you remain clean,
You don't wanna exercise, so you take a run.

It's much easier said than done. I've suffered with it myself since I was 12 iam now in my early 30's and it comes and goes. I found though when I was off all my meds I forced myself to use the gym and started a strict daily routine I built up from just 10 mins (was so weak was all I could manage at that time) Upto one hour and this helped my mood, my appetite, my sleep and my confidence. I also kept a journal including mood diary and gratitude list.

I've also had the dark morbid thoughts you describe, and to be honest they too come and go and I try and distract myself and remember they are just involuntary cognitions which all our thoughts are, my counsellor has a saying ' I am not the author of my thoughts ' I never knew this before, it's worth reading up on as it's very impowering lol.

If you have been on methadone for years your body will take more than a few months to recover...so don't believe this is it forever! Things will get better.

Try changing every involuntary negative thought with a Voluntary Positive one!!

[msdelight]

I agree get the antidepressant <3

[vicki595]

I really agree with Sonrissa...There are some depressions that we just can't snap out of no matter how much we try. Our brain chemicals become so disorganized and slow to be produced that it's painful...and requires medical intervention.

The answer is to try an AD in the hope of jump starting those chemicals. I think it's worth it because what you're going through is awful and could potentially lead you back to the pills. Think it over, okay?

[weaver71]

Hey there. I feel you, I am finally feeling better after 480 days, so I feel you. It's tiring for sure. I just had to keep searching for new answers. If it did't work I tried something else. Mostly just to pass the time. The lithium was the final answer for me, I hope, but it feels like real progress is possible for the first time. It is really cool to have genuine hope. Some of us have to fake it longer than others, but nobody I know would say it isn't worth it. I'm glad to see you around again. You are a trooper.

[Jenelle2020]

Thanks for the responses. Some of you don't know my whole story so I will give you a brief history. I came off methadone in March of this year after 7 1/2 yrs, I was still on oxycodone at 20mg/day, had been on that for 3 years.I was also on Clonazepam ( which I have been advised to stay on ) even though I had cut it to less than half. I was also on Zopliclone and cut that out too. I was on Zeldox (geodon) for extra anxiety. After cutting these meds I still felt awful so then I cut the oxycodone ( a little over 2 months ago), was still sick and the doctor put me on Nabilone , was on that for 3 months and it caused bad side effects so I stopped it CT, I was so nauseated he put me on Maxeran which I only stayed on for 2 weeks. So I have been off everything for over 4 weeks, so basically I have been sick since March.

[butch798]

take a look at my pic with someone who is 35 and addicted and me at 62 150 days clean after 3 years of oxyi.i didnt eat for weeks or sleep you can read my story if you want but with help from people on this board i dont ever want any dope .it is very tough but look at that picture you too can come through and be all right.people are here for you fight hard its your life!!

[Sonrissa]

Hi Jennelle, I agree that it will pass, however, getting on an antidepressant may be the right thing for now. After I quit pain pills, I went through a horrible depression. I waited it out for months just hoping it would get better. I did everything I was advised, exercise, nutrition, etc.... Nothing helped, and it did not get better. In fact, my depression worsened! Finally I listened to my doctor and started taking an antidepressant. I had to actually try a couple of different ones before I found one that helped dramatically. What a difference! Please don't close the door on an antidepressant just yet. I don't remember how far out you are now, but, if your depression doesn't get any better with some time, or gets any worse, please consider an antidepressant. Just my opinion. Take care, I hope you feel better soon! Keep posting! We are here for you.

[OxyTired]

Hi there, sounds like rough for you now. It will ease off day by day. When I got clean from oxycodone my thinking was pretty dark and messed up too. I would remind myself that my brain was resetting back to normal and that it was ok not to be entirely ok. So all the crappy feelings and negative thoughts I took to be solid evidence that I was proceeding as planned and going through the mental and physical battle required to quit opiates.
I keep reading posts here for inspiration and offer encouragement, even though I am only 100 or so days clean.
I don't jump out of bed with a joyful whoop and yell yet, but I have really nice moments and some sleep now. Whatever happens, it is genuine. Its real, not buzzed up motivation and feelings of invincibility I got from oxy
You have a lot of positives in your life. You will also find out how amazing it is to experience them with a clear head!
Just hang in there!

[SuzzQ]

It will pass, like Rosy says... It really will... There are good days and a lot of bad ones.. but, as time passes, so will your feelings.. Watch funny movies..Think funny thoughts.. try your best.. try to get out when you can.. We have to really force ourselves at this point.. Like Rosy says.. Fake it til you make it.. What comes first, the happy feeling or the smile.. I try fake smiling sometimes.. sometimes it really helps.. sometimes it is impossible to even fake smile.. but, practice... : O )   Things will get better, I promise!!! It's just a part of the whole thing..  Stay strong.. Stay determined to beat it..

[ROSYouralright]

Yes, this storm of depression WILL pass. I went through a nasty bout of depression for a bit as well! Get up and get moving! Force yourself to do things! Fake it til ya make it! Pretend you are happy and soon you really will be!