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Avatar universal

Feeling like i cant go on..

Im miserable. Sorry i havent wrote on here for a while but been busy working a lot at my new job. Everything was good at first & i was clean & i was able to work through the day. Its been keeping my mind off of things but keep relapsing because i feel empty without my son. Ive been seeing him at visitation & im so happy when we are together but its when i have to say goodbye to him is when its hard. It breaks my heart when i tell him i love him and have to let him go & he runs to my ex mother in law. Its tearing my up inside & the only thing that helps me not think about it is work or using. I spent my first half of my check on pills which is what i was afraid i was going to do & i did. I feel like i have no support. My parents i feel like they support me sometimes but i called them the other night & told them i didnt feel safe at home & they wouldnt even come home. I didnt feel safe because when i was  out driving in town the girl that beat my head in last month that i used to buy pills off of came at my car & started chasing my car. I just laughed at her & flipped her off. Shes the reason this is happening because if she hadnt beat me up i couldve got joint custody of my son. But after the fight they changed it to visitation & watching everything i do. I feel like i have no life anymore, i dont feel safe in my own home bcus of her now. Shes dangerous i shouldve seen it before & never met up with her that night. I always make sure the doors are locked & even put a chair up to the doors just in case. Its that bad. I was beat up & my son was taken away from me again. I dont think its fair. Im also scared bcus im suppose to have a hair follicle test a week before we go to court again & im afraid the vicodin, xanax (which im not addicted to but took bcus my anxiety was so bad i only took 1), & adderall will show up. I have a job now & trying to get me & my son our own place but what if im doing it all for nothing since i wont be able to pass the hair follicle test? What am i going to do? Im so alone & i know yall will say go to treatment but its too late for that now :( i cant lose my job or miss my visitations with my son if i were to go to treatment so idk what else to do. Im just lost, scared, & lonely. Im tired of looking over my shoulder all the time wondering if that girl will be there to bash my head in again for good or worrying about the ppl in town going to the courts saying im doing this or that. Yes ive done wrong but a lot of what ppl is saying about me are  lies too. I just want my son. I want to find my own place for me & my son to where we will be safe & i can keep him safe like i always have. Im very protective of him & i think everyone knows that but i have to keep proving myself to everyone. Im also scared of working & going thru withdrawls at the same time. My life is a complete & total mess & i feel like my son is slipping away from me everyday. I dont know how much more i can take. One day i feel like i can make it thru, the next i feel like i cant. Its just so hard. I keep thinking if i do try to quit now & if my hair follicle test still came back dirty if theyd still give me a chance? Im trying so hard i just feel like ppl keep knocking me down. My exhusband hasnt lost anything. He has my son now but the whole time he puts him off on his mom, my ex mother in law. Id give anything to have my son back with me like it was before & i never put him off on my mom. I want my son with me. Im sorry tgis is so long just had to get this off my chest. It felt so nice after i got thru the withdrawls & i was clean after a week but i still felt empty especially with my son not around. I understand at this time i need to get myself together & get better for my son before i could ever get full custody but thats what i want. The state i live in is for joint custody anyway. I just want to get off vicodin & adderal completely but i feel tormented when i dont have any. I wish things were different & i didnt feel this way. I need hope & i need my son. Please continue praying for me. I have to get thru this for me & my little boy. Ive felt like giving up but i dont bcus of him :( i need some advice that will get me thru this..i feel like i dont deserve all these chances ive been given. my heart is broken with my son & i walk around work acting like im happy & ok when im not.
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2083449 tn?1381354708
Hi Love, it really sounds like you have a lot of drama going on in your life right now. If you truly want your son back, you will need to get clean once and for all. What kind of life is it for your son if you are taking pills all the time? You need to get some support and help with this. The first step is to cut off all your sources for pills. Do it now. Who is giving you the follicle test? The court? At this point surely you will not pass it. You say it's too late for you to get treatment, but what about going to AA/NA meetings? You will get help and support there. I think you should make a plan to quit, and do it.  Things will only continue to get worse if you don't.

Take care, I will keep you in my prayers.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank u Sonrissa and your right things will only get worse if i dont quit. And its our lawyers who wrote it up for both me & my ex to take hair follicle test. Just so scared like i said if it comes back & they say i cant have my son. Id have gotten my job for nothing but im still looking into meetings. Do u think it will help if my test came back negative in court? Ive been wanting to go anyway but ill let you know what happens. Thanks so much for ur prayers & kind words <3
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Avatar universal
Like i said i feel like my ex keeps getting away with everything. I had proof from texts that he smokes wwed and its like they turn a blind eye to it. I dont think hes smoking weed now but i still dont think its fair that ive been dragged thru the mud and he hasnt. My son needs me.
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Avatar universal
*Weed
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2083449 tn?1381354708
Honey, your son does need you. But he needs you clean and sober. He deserves that. How old is he?  I don't know enough about hair follicle tests to give you any advice about that. I have heard, however that drugs can show up even a month after they were used.  Honestly, the best thing you can do is stop using now. Get rid of all the drama around you. Cut off your sources for pills.  Focus on your job, and getting clean so you can get your son back. Try not to worry about your Ex and what he is doing or not doing. Concentrate on you. Reach out for help. Don't just think about meetings, start going to them. Maybe then the court will think you are serious. You can do this! Your life, and your son's life is worth it, isn't it? Time to move forward.  

Hugs and prayers!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yes he is so worth it! :) just thinking of him always makes me smile. Since i talked to you i will go to a meeting this week. My son is 2. He is the best little boy in the world. From what ive been told hair follicle can go back 3 months which is bad for me since all of what ive taken will show up. Thats what im most afraid of. I just want to show everyone i can do it. Ive just been addicted to vicodin for 13 yrs & its been so hard to quit. And working long hours & thinking of adderall which keeps my energy up is a problem too. Life seems so much easier when i use & covers up all my anxiety & pain. This has been the worst part of my life & not using is hard. But thanks again so much i will try my best. Ill keep you updated you have made me look at things differently.
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I told you this before and will say it again...You are in no place right now to be raising your son.  I didnt understand this when i was going thru my hell either.  You need some serious help with your addiction right now.  This isnt about your ex or even your son at this point.  It is all about you.  You said that this is all that girls fault.  It isnt her fault at all.  You placed yourself in harms way buying pills.  You have to get really honest with yourself here before anything will change.  Even if your son was living with you your addiction would continue until you do something about it.  I so know your pain and i am not trying to be mean to you at all here, i am just giving you the hard cold facts as i lived what you are going thru.  I dont want you to go thru what i did anymore.  I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy.  I want you to stand and deal with your addiction.  Your pain will be alot less when you do.  Please think about what i am telling you.  You are still young and have so much life to live.  Dont waste another minute love~
Helpful - 0
8976007 tn?1413330650
"Id give anything to have my son back with me like it was before & i never put him off on my mom"

how about stopping abusing meds???

why isn't that girl in jail? did you  try to press charges?

you don't have to go to inpatient treatment to be in treatment.  you know what i mean?  just admitting you have a problem and getting intensive outpatient treatment is what you NEED to be doing to get your son back.

the court should pay for it.  do you have a lawyer???
you need to get that set up BEFORE your hair follicle test.  you also need to ask the lawyer if it is legal to make you get one.  

i know EXACTLY how you feel and i have been through it. only my daughter was in foster care (6 months old) and had to fight like hell for a year.  

visitation does tear you up.  i get that.  if you follow everything to the letter, you should get increased visitation and eventually overnight visits, but if you KEEP USING that won't happen.
i never touched a drop of alcohol during that time and never wanted to because i knew that they were looking for a reason to keep her.
they took her because they said we didn't have insurance on her and that was medical neglect.  long story, but she is disabled and we had just moved back to nebraska and she was covered under SSI.  but i still had to fight.

please stop looking at pills as a means of comfort and look at them like they are - THE REASON YOU CANNOT HAVE YOUR SON.
they should disgust you.  

get a lawyer, set up outpatient treatment and do EVERYTHING they ask you to do (you do have legal rights with some things and a lawyer will fight for you).  you do have a problem.  you do need help.

if you are that afraid of that girl, it is a good thing your son is not there because he would be in danger too.  look at it that way.  she NEEDS to be in jail and if you don't press charges she will think she can do anything to you and you will just let her.  she NEEDS to be in prison
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Avatar universal
I've been reading your story and....wow...
I'm gonna be tough on you...I'm gonna tell you it straight up...

YOU DONT HAVE ANY REASONS TO NOT GO TO REHAB,,..  YOU NEED TO GO TO REHAB.....IF YOU DONT GO TO REHAB YOU WILL GO TO JAIL OR DIE OR BOTH....AND YOU DONT WANT TO DETOX IN JAIL...SO GO TO REHAB....GO TO REHAB....GO TO REHAB.

Now that I've said that I'm gonna say more....WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE...GO TO REHAB..

I know you don't want to go..but...whats gonna happen if you don't.  Your in a shiz storm of legal mess....and I'm scared that when you take your drug test you might get more than you ever dreamed or realized...and I don't see nothing good...
Your worried about all the wrong things right now....you can get another job.  But you can't get another you...you can't get another son...you can't get what you want or need until you fix yourself...I think you know this deep down inside of yourself but you don't want to do the work....you think that things are gonna work out...do you think you can take a pill and it will all be better..

Nobody wants to go to rehab....we just end up there...but there are times we need rehab.your head is so messed up right now because of the pills and stuff going on you can't think straight.....you think coming here and posting will get you something your looking for...and your right....we will tell you want is the truth because we've all been there...in one way or another...all of on here let those pills take over and our lives spiraled out of control...
And we all recongnize your mess...done that been there...so we say what we say out of love...
The beauty of our disease is it can go into recovery....and things will get better....but you have to take the first step....it starts with you...

Your in no condition to raise your son...your a danger to your son..your a danger to yourself in your condition....honey your not a bad person, your a sick person....and right now because you can't think straight people are gonna think for you....your running out of time and your running out of control..your running right into a wall...and we all want what you want..

So, you loose your job and find yourself...so you loose your job but you save your life...

YOU DONT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE....Drive to rehab right now....I know they would take you...

Why are you insisting in being this stubborn??  Why do you fight going to rehab this much??

I know your a smart girl....if you don't go to rehab and get help you won't get your son back...if you want your son back as bad as you say u do then go to rehab....

If this hurts your feelings too bad....I want you to get help now....I know you love your son, and I can't imagine not having my son or daughter around me.. But I went to rehab because my son told me to my face at 20 I can't live with you mom  I can't watch this anymore...I love you so much mom....but I can't do this anymore...so I'm gone...I won't ever come back until you get help...I love you so much....then he told me he was gonna take his sister too...
He moved out...we fought like two devils....three days later I went to rehab..
Just writing this to you made me cry....
I went to rehab.....now it's your turn to go to rehab....

Why are you still here??..

Go to rehab
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
Love-

You have gotten some pretty amazing advice here and I really, REALLY hope you listen to it with an open heart.
I can't tell you much more than these warrior women above have but I can tell you this.
Right now, everything that you are doing is motivated by FEAR.  You are consumed by it.  The ONLY way to get the things that you want/need/deserve is to operate from LOVE.  Love for yourself and your son.
Putting pills in your body is not comfort.  It's fear.  It's not a loving act and therefore the outcome is always gonna be bad.  And it will continue to get worse until you do something drastic to change it.
The best way to get your son back and be the mother that he deserves is by getting some real help.  You need to humble yourself and stop laying blame at the feet of your ex and your dealer.  You are the one that made the choice to put pills in your body which has led you to this desperate place, and you are the only one that can make the choice to stop the insanity.
You need to see the opportunity here.  Your son is safe and being taken care of.  You need to take this time to take care of yourself and get the help that you so desperately deserve.
I would urge you to go to a meeting today.  Don't think about it, just get in the car and go.  Humble yourself and tell your story and begin the process of picking up the pieces of your life.
Will it be easy?  No.  Nothing in life worth having is ever easy.  But it is worth fighting for.
Act from love darling.  If you do this, the Universe will support you.
It always does.
You cannot erase the past, nor can you control the future.....But you have the power to act NOW in this moment.
Dump the pills, go to a meeting, and begin the process of living again, instead of just existing in this dark place because it will only get darker until the light is completely extinguished.
You can do it.
If you take care of yourself, the rest takes care of itself.
And we will all be here, cheering you on.
I promise.
Lu
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
The court also loves to hear you go to meetings, have a sponsor & are working the steps.
I promise.
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271792 tn?1334979657
I pray that you take that first most important step and ask for help. You are not there yet. You come on here and tell us what you did after the fact. At that point we can't help you..the deed was done. The reason why we sit here and talk with people like you is because we have been where you are. We are offering suggestions for you to get clean but you have an excuse for everyone. I bet you don't have any excuses for copping your drugs.

Get humble and ask for help.
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Avatar universal
Ibkleen said it best....get humble.....
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Avatar universal
Everyone here is right. I understand you can't do inpatient rehab. How about outpatient? They will work around your schedule. You go there when not working. But don't sleep there. And you go to meetings in between both.

Then your life is work-outpatient rehab-meetings/working your steps-visitation with son-sleep. You won't have time to drive around town getting in trouble.

The pills have caused all your problems. They are the problem. Stop making excuses to use!!!!  If your s
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Avatar universal
If your son is the most important thing, then focus on him. Takes tons of pictures of him and post them EVERYWHERE!!! Car, mirrors, work, everywhere. When you want a pill look at him, count to 10 and say no. Even if you have to do it every 2mins. It will get easier.

You will lose if you don't. You do what I have listed and pass that test or come close then you will win and get that joint custody. It is a long road but you can do it!!
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Avatar universal
Read what Dominosarah wrote again. She is correct.
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480448 tn?1426948538
Ditto ditto ditto all of the above replies.  They all took the words right out of my mouth.

Sweetie, you're playing the blame game.  You're blaming everyone except who you SHOULD....YOU!

You need a plan and you need to work like he** to put your mind to making this THE most important thing you've ever done.  Sadly, if you don't start turning things around, it's going to be harder and harder to get your son back in any capacity.  You're not in a good place right now to have your son, as hard as that is to hear.

Like DS said, it's time for some brutal honesty...with yourself.  Time to get humble, and time to accept that YOU have led yourself here.  The way you proceed moving forward will determine how things are going to go, whether they spiral out of control, and leave you with only your drug of choice, alone.

If you decide to REALLY start put pushing yourself HARD and working on YOU like you've never done before...and after some time, you will start seeing your life fall back into place.

Instead of finding reasons why you CAN'T do x, y and z.....find ways that you CAN!

Best of luck to you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank yall. I knew i would get backlash though after writing what i did..its after 13 yrs of using though is why its so hard. Im not like others obviously who can take 1 and just quit..i figured that out a lonf time ago. The longest ive been clean which i think ive stated before was close to a year when i was preg with my son. I stopped being selfish bcus i knew i had another human being in my body and my conscious wouldnt let me. I need to be that way again. But with ppl thinking its so easy to just go to rehab i cant. I will be going to meetings and going to outpatient again (ive went before but it didnt work but trying it again) my lawyer and the courts havent even told me to go to rehab which is what i thought they wanted before..but they told me to get a job which i have and get my own place which im working on. Im trying thats all i can do. And i try not to put blame on others i guess its just how i feel. I dont do anything but work & come home to sleep. I have went to visitation on time to see my son bcus of course i want to see him & miss him so much. I hardly sleep anymore when i have the chance bcus its hard to sleep so im going to work exhausted and my nerves are tore up so its hard to get thru a 9 hour shift like i did today. Jinx do u have your daughter back now? So they didnt take her bcus of your drug problem? Im sorry i know it had to be hard for you and her :( breaks my heart even more bcus i know its confusing and hard on my little boy. I wish the girl who beat me up would go to prison..i think she eventually will tho..not just karma but she will get arrested i know. She cant stay out of trouble and shes dangerous so i know she will learn soon enough. Im afraid to press charges bcus if i did id have to admit i bouught off her. Her grandma has already went around saying i used to come to their house to buy. Its like never ending and i can never have any peace bcus of ppl like her. She will yell at me in public but come into my work and wont even make eye contact with me. Shes bad on xans and is just crazy. I know bcus i question my sanity at times bcus of pills but i wouldnt ever act like her and go around attacking ppl for the hell of it. But i know i do blame myself a lot all the time believe me. I always blame myself for how my life has turned out. And the pills do disgust me. I hate them but in a love/hate kind of way i guess. I hate how my mind works. But like i said i just wanted to come here and get things off my chest. I know ppl dont alqays sugar coat things and i appreciate yalls honesty. I just know i am trying. Harder than i was before and i just hope im trying enough. And thank you lulu..i think i do need to learn to love myself. I guess i havent for a long time. I know ive always been a good mom and ive always showed enormous love to my son everyday of his life. I just want to be better for him. Im already so busy anymore so i know adding meetings & outpatient will leave me little time to think about much. I go to the counselor with my exhusband tomorrow. The counselor is the one who was with me forvisiation with my son this past week and she even says she can see how close me and my son are. She says she is going to give good word for me in court but thats what she said last time. But shes seen up close and personal now what kind of mother i am. I keep saying i never thought in a million yrs when i gave birth to my son that id have to be supervised. Im just so mad still about the fight. I didnt go up to her and start the fight either i tried walking away even but not trying to condone it. I just want to make things right for my son like i said. Thanks again yall..i feel kind of like not saying certain things now bcus im afraid ill be judged. Like i said i know ive done wrong but trying to redeem myself. Hope the courts will see how hard im trying too.
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Avatar universal
No one is judging you. They've heard it all. They/we've done it all. We just want you to LISTEN and take the advice that's been given to you.
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Avatar universal
I will i promise..thanks. ill keep yall posted on what happens.
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9880688 tn?1414115647
I have to go the tough love route too.  I was that kid...your son!  I grew up with a violent alcoholic father.  Right now all I hear are excuses for why you can't....."man up" and start righting down the reasons you can!  If you truly want to have your son you have to quit making excuses and get busy and get clean.  Get off the drugs permanently, get good aftercare....NA meetings are free and AA meetings are free.

Many of us couldn't get into rehab either...because we couldn't afford it or (in my case) nothing is available close to me.  We WANTED to quit so we quit without rehab....cold turkey.

If you want this so bad you can do it....just throw away the pills, cut all avenues of getting the pills, get rid of the phone numbers of your dealers, tell your doctors...and then quit.  Will it be fun?  No...but I'll tell you what...it isn't meant to be fun...it is meant to remind you of what will happen to you again if you relapse.  

If you choose to quit and WD cold turkey we can help you....we can give you a list of things to pick up at the store to alleviate some of the WD symptoms and we can give you lots of support.

My question, as that little girl who wanted nothing more than to feel like her daddy loved her more than the booze is...do you truly want your son to feel like you loved him more than the pills?  If you do you will quit talking and do something....quit!!!

I'm sorry I don't want to hurt you....I just want you to truly do what you need to do before you lose your son permanently!!
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Noone is judging you.  We just told you the truth about this addiction.  If we didnt care we would go along with you and hope karma paid a visit to a few people you have mentioned.  If we didnt care we wouldnt even be on this sight.  As for grandma and the nasty chick, IT DOESNT MATTER what they say or do,   We have all stated our thoughts and talked to you about our experiences.  Now it is up to you to do something about it.  I hope you make the right decision~
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Avatar universal
Yeah domino she is nasty!! And ive been thru withdrawls so many times. Taper and cold turkey..both are bad but easier when i taper. Its just the emotional part after thats bad. I took yalls advice and went to aa meeting tnite. There was a lot of ppl there thats had opiate probs too and i could relate to everything they said. I told them my prob and started sobbing like a baby and told them how much i miss my son. Got things off my chest and it did make me feel better. They were very nice and supportive too. Im going back thursday night. I justhad to go too bcus i went to the counselor today with my ex and something he said really bothered me. I told him that he hadnt lost as much as i have and he said "yeah i did i lost my wife" :( it hurts to hear that. And im sorry i know yall are just trying to help and i thank you a lot. If it wasnt for yall i wouldnt have went to the meeting. Going to try to get into outpatient next week too. Doing everything i can to get my son back. I have to! And purrfectly thats another thing. Im not putting blame on anyone again but my ex husband smoked weed sometimes when my son was in bed at night and drank alcohol everynite. Thats why i said idk why he can do all that and im being punished. But i know have to work on myself. Just wish ppl could see my side and i told the counsrlor that today bcus i feel like shes siding with him. But there shouldnt be sides. Its about our son. :/ told yall id update you. I see my son in the morn will be so glad to see him..ive missed him. I have to work all day after that til 10 at nite. Work is really tiring me and just trying to stick with it. Please keep praying for me yall thanks!
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Avatar universal
You went to a meeting...YAY!!! That's so great. I do AA, too. Lots of us opiate peeps in there.

You are listening to suggestions...fantastic! Keep it up:)
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495284 tn?1333894042
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