Feeling like i cant go on..

[Loveliveshere]

Im miserable. Sorry i havent wrote on here for a while but been busy working a lot at my new job. Everything was good at first & i was clean & i was able to work through the day. Its been keeping my mind off of things but keep relapsing because i feel empty without my son. Ive been seeing him at visitation & im so happy when we are together but its when i have to say goodbye to him is when its hard. It breaks my heart when i tell him i love him and have to let him go & he runs to my ex mother in law. Its tearing my up inside & the only thing that helps me not think about it is work or using. I spent my first half of my check on pills which is what i was afraid i was going to do & i did. I feel like i have no support. My parents i feel like they support me sometimes but i called them the other night & told them i didnt feel safe at home & they wouldnt even come home. I didnt feel safe because when i was  out driving in town the girl that beat my head in last month that i used to buy pills off of came at my car & started chasing my car. I just laughed at her & flipped her off. Shes the reason this is happening because if she hadnt beat me up i couldve got joint custody of my son. But after the fight they changed it to visitation & watching everything i do. I feel like i have no life anymore, i dont feel safe in my own home bcus of her now. Shes dangerous i shouldve seen it before & never met up with her that night. I always make sure the doors are locked & even put a chair up to the doors just in case. Its that bad. I was beat up & my son was taken away from me again. I dont think its fair. Im also scared bcus im suppose to have a hair follicle test a week before we go to court again & im afraid the vicodin, xanax (which im not addicted to but took bcus my anxiety was so bad i only took 1), & adderall will show up. I have a job now & trying to get me & my son our own place but what if im doing it all for nothing since i wont be able to pass the hair follicle test? What am i going to do? Im so alone & i know yall will say go to treatment but its too late for that now :( i cant lose my job or miss my visitations with my son if i were to go to treatment so idk what else to do. Im just lost, scared, & lonely. Im tired of looking over my shoulder all the time wondering if that girl will be there to bash my head in again for good or worrying about the ppl in town going to the courts saying im doing this or that. Yes ive done wrong but a lot of what ppl is saying about me are  lies too. I just want my son. I want to find my own place for me & my son to where we will be safe & i can keep him safe like i always have. Im very protective of him & i think everyone knows that but i have to keep proving myself to everyone. Im also scared of working & going thru withdrawls at the same time. My life is a complete & total mess & i feel like my son is slipping away from me everyday. I dont know how much more i can take. One day i feel like i can make it thru, the next i feel like i cant. Its just so hard. I keep thinking if i do try to quit now & if my hair follicle test still came back dirty if theyd still give me a chance? Im trying so hard i just feel like ppl keep knocking me down. My exhusband hasnt lost anything. He has my son now but the whole time he puts him off on his mom, my ex mother in law. Id give anything to have my son back with me like it was before & i never put him off on my mom. I want my son with me. Im sorry tgis is so long just had to get this off my chest. It felt so nice after i got thru the withdrawls & i was clean after a week but i still felt empty especially with my son not around. I understand at this time i need to get myself together & get better for my son before i could ever get full custody but thats what i want. The state i live in is for joint custody anyway. I just want to get off vicodin & adderal completely but i feel tormented when i dont have any. I wish things were different & i didnt feel this way. I need hope & i need my son. Please continue praying for me. I have to get thru this for me & my little boy. Ive felt like giving up but i dont bcus of him :( i need some advice that will get me thru this..i feel like i dont deserve all these chances ive been given. my heart is broken with my son & i walk around work acting like im happy & ok when im not.

[kellygirll]

Back in jan when I first tried to get clean everyone on here said you gotta tell your husband I said that's not an option you gotta go to meetings not an option I had relapse after relapse finally in June I told my husband and family about my pill addiction went to meetings was clean for 35 days everyone said you need inpatient again not an option FINALLY I got REAL *** honest with my self worked my *** off saved 4 grand got 2 from my dad and went away for 30 days BEST frighin 30 days and 6 grand ever spent see I had every excuse like you ask these people they will tell you and I completed my 30 days yesterday and I'm on my way home with my son so it CAN be done if you want it bad enough you will find a way or you will end up dead true story I hope you do what you need to do for YOU get your azz ckean girl

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

With all the hell my hubby & I have been thru lately I keep saying to myself "positive attracts positive, negative attracts negative".  I truly believe that!

[dominosarah]

Why not put the energy into getting off these meds.  You seem to be putting so much energy into this hair follicle test.  Bottom line is if you keep using you WILL lose custody of your son,  

[gnarly_1]

Hi ...well your in a jam but you need to see your part in it I agree with Sara on this one you need to get your life back together I delt with cps and they are all bissness they will cut off all ties with visitation if your not clean you need to do this for you though your life depends on it if you want to be a mother to your son it is up to you to do the next right thing  for starters you can start treating the addiction by joining N/A it will help you become you again without the fog of drugs this is life or death this illness only gets worst with time if left alone it is a progressive illness im sorry if I sound harsh but my words are going to be nothing compared to loosing all visitation to your son you can do this is you want to  but it is all up to you the world is not out to get you your putting yourself in dangerous situations and will continue you to until you stop  we are a loving compassionate bunch but some time you need to here the way it is without candy coating it  I will walk to the end of the world with you to help you but in the end no one is holding a gun to your head your eating the pills on your own  time to change..........Gnarly

[saspan]

llove i started detox ONCE AGAIN 4 days ago. i was really in the dumps bad, but thru prayer and these beautiful people on this site i,m doing much better. you have a lot of stress right now , concentrate on you getting better thats what you need to do before you can make things right with others. it will fall in place for ya just believe in yourself and get all the support and aftercare you can. REMEMBER you,ve got to work out before anything else will work out. good luck

[Loveliveshere]

Thank yall so much for the prayers! Yall have been so good to me!! And sonrissa im still using but not like i was before..had half adderall the other day and one vicodin..now im taking tramadol bcus they always help me to taper off. Im trying my hardest to quit it all tho. Its just scary like yall already know it is :( yall know how much hell it is to go thru withdrawls. But i get the hair follicle test the middle of november. Im scared for that too i dont want the adderall toshow up especially ive heard it could come up as meth. OF course my exhusband went around saying i was doing meth but ive never done meth in my whole life. I never would. Its always just been pills..always been my safe place i guess even tho i know they arent. MY son and i had a great time today. My parents took us out to eat and we went played at the park. He smiled and laughed the whole time and didnt want to leave me :( it breaks my heart to hear him say "mommy" and him not wanting me to walk away but its the courts thats say i have to..if it were up to me id hold him and never let him go. I missed my meeting tnite bcus my dad had to have blood transfusion today too. Its just always something it seems. I just want to have 1 good full day again. I wont have that i know until i get my son back & im clean. And purrfectly thank you i know yall are just trying to help and yall def have helped me a lot. I can tell a difference in myself since ive gained a little of my weight back. But ppl come into work and say how depressed i look..i wouldnt look so depressed if my life werent so messed up. I cant take my little boy anywhere now unless the supervision lady is with us. She sees how close we are and how happy he is. She sees i dont let him out of my sight and how protective i am of him. Im just worried i wont be able to find a place and wont be able to pass my hair follicle test. Ive done everything else theyve asked me to do. Im working myself to the bone, going to meetings, going to visits with my son on time. I feel like if i keep going ill get him back but what if im doing all this and in the end i dont get him back? I wont be able to take it. I dont mean to be negative but just want it to all work out. And yall do feel like a family to me! Thank yall for hanging in there with me and putting up with my whining though haha i try not to be this way ive just never been this out of control of my life before..i have but not to this extent. This has been such a nightmare but hoping since im trying to quit now the adderall wont show up on hair follicle test. Its been all ive thought about its consuming me and making me so worried. When im not thinking about how much i miss my son i think of the test. Or if im going to be able to stick to my job. Or how all of this is going to turn out. I need the prayers & i will pray for yall too! Ill keep yall posted like i have been!

[Amandag78]

Me too, sending you prayers for both you and your son : )

[Lilly1955]

Will prayer for you and your son

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

Bama you are so wonderful.  I gave that same ultimatum to my father when I turned 18.  Unfortunately it did not end up well for us.  My father passed away 3 years ago still refusing to see me...because in his eyes it was my fault that he was still a violent alcholic.  Know one thing though...I don't nor did I ever hate my dad.  I just knew I couldn't live that way anymore.

You are an awesome parent!!!!!

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

I meant if what you read you may have taken the wrong way or it hurt you feel free to PM the person and get it worked out. This forum works because we ARE family.  Families don't always agree, sometimes they argue but in the end we all love each other and want nothing but the best for the person they are chatting with.

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

So awesome you went to a meeting...what a great first step.  I want you to understand...I don't think you want to blame anyone...but we perceived your words differently than you intended I think.  I'm not judging you nor is anyone else in this forum.  We all want the same things....for you to take your life back and for you to not lose your son.  Just remember we are all on the same side here.
  Please keep posting....we want to help you...and if someone says something and you take it the right way PM that person and work it out.  Okay?  We all want you to succeed!

God bless you and your son!!

[Sonrissa]

Hi Hon, it's great that you went to a meeting tonight.  Keep going. I'm not clear about your current status. Are you still using? If so, have you come up with a plan to quit? When do you have to take the follicle test?

We are trying to see your side of this, but it still seems like you are concerned what other people, like your ex husband, are doing.  Sometimes life just isn't fair, and the only thing you should worry about is yourself. You can't control anyone else, or what anyone else thinks. Stay focussed on you and your recovery, and let everything and everyone take care of themselves.

I hope you enjoy your visit with your son tomorrow. Working is good, and you do need to stick with it. I have faith in you, and you can do this. Just stay focussed on your goal. Take care.

[jifmoc]

You went to a meeting...YAY!!! That's so great. I do AA, too. Lots of us opiate peeps in there.

You are listening to suggestions...fantastic! Keep it up:)

[Loveliveshere]

Yeah domino she is nasty!! And ive been thru withdrawls so many times. Taper and cold turkey..both are bad but easier when i taper. Its just the emotional part after thats bad. I took yalls advice and went to aa meeting tnite. There was a lot of ppl there thats had opiate probs too and i could relate to everything they said. I told them my prob and started sobbing like a baby and told them how much i miss my son. Got things off my chest and it did make me feel better. They were very nice and supportive too. Im going back thursday night. I justhad to go too bcus i went to the counselor today with my ex and something he said really bothered me. I told him that he hadnt lost as much as i have and he said "yeah i did i lost my wife" :( it hurts to hear that. And im sorry i know yall are just trying to help and i thank you a lot. If it wasnt for yall i wouldnt have went to the meeting. Going to try to get into outpatient next week too. Doing everything i can to get my son back. I have to! And purrfectly thats another thing. Im not putting blame on anyone again but my ex husband smoked weed sometimes when my son was in bed at night and drank alcohol everynite. Thats why i said idk why he can do all that and im being punished. But i know have to work on myself. Just wish ppl could see my side and i told the counsrlor that today bcus i feel like shes siding with him. But there shouldnt be sides. Its about our son. :/ told yall id update you. I see my son in the morn will be so glad to see him..ive missed him. I have to work all day after that til 10 at nite. Work is really tiring me and just trying to stick with it. Please keep praying for me yall thanks!

[dominosarah]

Noone is judging you.  We just told you the truth about this addiction.  If we didnt care we would go along with you and hope karma paid a visit to a few people you have mentioned.  If we didnt care we wouldnt even be on this sight.  As for grandma and the nasty chick, IT DOESNT MATTER what they say or do,   We have all stated our thoughts and talked to you about our experiences.  Now it is up to you to do something about it.  I hope you make the right decision~

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

I have to go the tough love route too.  I was that kid...your son!  I grew up with a violent alcoholic father.  Right now all I hear are excuses for why you can't....."man up" and start righting down the reasons you can!  If you truly want to have your son you have to quit making excuses and get busy and get clean.  Get off the drugs permanently, get good aftercare....NA meetings are free and AA meetings are free.

Many of us couldn't get into rehab either...because we couldn't afford it or (in my case) nothing is available close to me.  We WANTED to quit so we quit without rehab....cold turkey.

If you want this so bad you can do it....just throw away the pills, cut all avenues of getting the pills, get rid of the phone numbers of your dealers, tell your doctors...and then quit.  Will it be fun?  No...but I'll tell you what...it isn't meant to be fun...it is meant to remind you of what will happen to you again if you relapse.  

If you choose to quit and WD cold turkey we can help you....we can give you a list of things to pick up at the store to alleviate some of the WD symptoms and we can give you lots of support.

My question, as that little girl who wanted nothing more than to feel like her daddy loved her more than the booze is...do you truly want your son to feel like you loved him more than the pills?  If you do you will quit talking and do something....quit!!!

I'm sorry I don't want to hurt you....I just want you to truly do what you need to do before you lose your son permanently!!

[Loveliveshere]

I will i promise..thanks. ill keep yall posted on what happens.

[jifmoc]

No one is judging you. They've heard it all. They/we've done it all. We just want you to LISTEN and take the advice that's been given to you.

[Loveliveshere]

Thank yall. I knew i would get backlash though after writing what i did..its after 13 yrs of using though is why its so hard. Im not like others obviously who can take 1 and just quit..i figured that out a lonf time ago. The longest ive been clean which i think ive stated before was close to a year when i was preg with my son. I stopped being selfish bcus i knew i had another human being in my body and my conscious wouldnt let me. I need to be that way again. But with ppl thinking its so easy to just go to rehab i cant. I will be going to meetings and going to outpatient again (ive went before but it didnt work but trying it again) my lawyer and the courts havent even told me to go to rehab which is what i thought they wanted before..but they told me to get a job which i have and get my own place which im working on. Im trying thats all i can do. And i try not to put blame on others i guess its just how i feel. I dont do anything but work & come home to sleep. I have went to visitation on time to see my son bcus of course i want to see him & miss him so much. I hardly sleep anymore when i have the chance bcus its hard to sleep so im going to work exhausted and my nerves are tore up so its hard to get thru a 9 hour shift like i did today. Jinx do u have your daughter back now? So they didnt take her bcus of your drug problem? Im sorry i know it had to be hard for you and her :( breaks my heart even more bcus i know its confusing and hard on my little boy. I wish the girl who beat me up would go to prison..i think she eventually will tho..not just karma but she will get arrested i know. She cant stay out of trouble and shes dangerous so i know she will learn soon enough. Im afraid to press charges bcus if i did id have to admit i bouught off her. Her grandma has already went around saying i used to come to their house to buy. Its like never ending and i can never have any peace bcus of ppl like her. She will yell at me in public but come into my work and wont even make eye contact with me. Shes bad on xans and is just crazy. I know bcus i question my sanity at times bcus of pills but i wouldnt ever act like her and go around attacking ppl for the hell of it. But i know i do blame myself a lot all the time believe me. I always blame myself for how my life has turned out. And the pills do disgust me. I hate them but in a love/hate kind of way i guess. I hate how my mind works. But like i said i just wanted to come here and get things off my chest. I know ppl dont alqays sugar coat things and i appreciate yalls honesty. I just know i am trying. Harder than i was before and i just hope im trying enough. And thank you lulu..i think i do need to learn to love myself. I guess i havent for a long time. I know ive always been a good mom and ive always showed enormous love to my son everyday of his life. I just want to be better for him. Im already so busy anymore so i know adding meetings & outpatient will leave me little time to think about much. I go to the counselor with my exhusband tomorrow. The counselor is the one who was with me forvisiation with my son this past week and she even says she can see how close me and my son are. She says she is going to give good word for me in court but thats what she said last time. But shes seen up close and personal now what kind of mother i am. I keep saying i never thought in a million yrs when i gave birth to my son that id have to be supervised. Im just so mad still about the fight. I didnt go up to her and start the fight either i tried walking away even but not trying to condone it. I just want to make things right for my son like i said. Thanks again yall..i feel kind of like not saying certain things now bcus im afraid ill be judged. Like i said i know ive done wrong but trying to redeem myself. Hope the courts will see how hard im trying too.

[nursegirl6572]

Ditto ditto ditto all of the above replies.  They all took the words right out of my mouth.

Sweetie, you're playing the blame game.  You're blaming everyone except who you SHOULD....YOU!

You need a plan and you need to work like he** to put your mind to making this THE most important thing you've ever done.  Sadly, if you don't start turning things around, it's going to be harder and harder to get your son back in any capacity.  You're not in a good place right now to have your son, as hard as that is to hear.

Like DS said, it's time for some brutal honesty...with yourself.  Time to get humble, and time to accept that YOU have led yourself here.  The way you proceed moving forward will determine how things are going to go, whether they spiral out of control, and leave you with only your drug of choice, alone.

If you decide to REALLY start put pushing yourself HARD and working on YOU like you've never done before...and after some time, you will start seeing your life fall back into place.

Instead of finding reasons why you CAN'T do x, y and z.....find ways that you CAN!

Best of luck to you.

[jifmoc]

Read what Dominosarah wrote again. She is correct.

[Merri123]

If your son is the most important thing, then focus on him. Takes tons of pictures of him and post them EVERYWHERE!!! Car, mirrors, work, everywhere. When you want a pill look at him, count to 10 and say no. Even if you have to do it every 2mins. It will get easier.

You will lose if you don't. You do what I have listed and pass that test or come close then you will win and get that joint custody. It is a long road but you can do it!!

[Merri123]

Everyone here is right. I understand you can't do inpatient rehab. How about outpatient? They will work around your schedule. You go there when not working. But don't sleep there. And you go to meetings in between both.

Then your life is work-outpatient rehab-meetings/working your steps-visitation with son-sleep. You won't have time to drive around town getting in trouble.

The pills have caused all your problems. They are the problem. Stop making excuses to use!!!!  If your s

[bama88]

Ibkleen said it best....get humble.....