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422795 tn?1293301409

Feeling optimistic

Well tomorrow is my big day. I am going to see my doctor for suboxone. I have been waiting for almost a month for this day to come. So many mixed feelings and emotions I have had since I made the appt. Just finally being true and honest with myself. Coming to realize that I have a problem that isnt going to go away unless I make it. Even though I may not be able to start it when I thought I was able to, all the post I have been reading and all the information I have been gathering, I feel I am ready. I felt like I have done a lot of soul searching and I have finally come to terms of letting them go. Im ready to throw my crutch away and stand on my own two feet. Its been so long, I think I'm finally starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Its been a dark road for so long its hard to believe its all coming to an end. I cant believe that I finally have the strength in me to say I'v had enough. This drug has been such a big part of me for so long. I'v been living in this strange world for so long its controlled me physically and emotionally. Everything I do and say is wrapped around this addiction.
When I first made the appointment I felt like was making an appointment to be dropped off in the middle of nowhere and then have to try and find my way back with a blind fold on. It was really scary. But reading posts and getting some answers I no longer feel that way. I know this is not going to be a cake walk, I know I'm going to have to put some energy in this to really make it work. I'm ready, I'm ready to start my new journey to being free. Im ready to release the grip this drug has on me.
Its been so long since I'v had my own emotions, I needed the pills to give me happiness. I needed them to tell me how to feel because I was so scared of my own true feelings and still am.
I dont know how this story is going to end, but I do know that I have a lot of work cut out for me to make this a happy ending. Iv tried creating a false and easy way and it didnt work. I was just trying to cut to many corners in life and put as little effort into it as possible, and all I really did was make it harder for myself. Im just sorry that I didnt try this sooner. I'm sorry for all the people out there that dont have the courage or support that it takes. For all the ones that still feel alone and lost and dont know how or is still too afraid to get out. Its scary, no doubt about that. All it takes is one step.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
6 Responses
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176495 tn?1301280412
Best of luck to you, Amanda..the freedom is wonderful.



Jim
Helpful - 0
231048 tn?1214354453
Congratulations on getting to that first step. Actually congratulations on getting to that second step. realizing you have a problem is the first asking for help is the second. I'm just coming off oxycontin myself and i cant tell u how good it feels. I've only been clean for 3 days but it was such a wonderfull feeling to wake up this morning and think "today i have the whole day to myself, i dont have to worry about getting pills."

I wish you the best of luck. The people in this forum are amazing and i wouldn't have made it this far without them. Keep posting.

P.S. What drug are you trying to get off?
Helpful - 0
306455 tn?1288862071
You're gonna make it. And your are ready to do this. No more fears, just move forward to a better future.
Magi
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi .
I just went to an addiction psychiatrist last Monday.  He put me on Subutex. 2 mg. 4x a day.  Then Thursday I went down to 2 mg 3x a day.  I have not felt this good for 4 years as I abused pain pills all that time on and off.  Don't be nervous.  I don't know what your doctor will be like, but mine was good. He just asked me what I had been taking and for how long and then educated me on Subs and explained my prescription.  I was only in there for 15 minutes.  I realize all doctors are different. Just wanted to tell you my experience.  This was the best decision I have made in a long time.  I knew I could not trust myself to taper off.  I go back to him tomorrow night and he is putting me on Suboxone.  I don't know how my story is goin to end either but I am very optimistic as I am going to try my best.  The help I have gotten on this forum has inspired me and made me stronger.  I don't want to be on them very long, mabe a few months tops as I have heard that the longer you are on, the harder it is to get off.  Good luck to you and you should be proud of yourself for making the decision to get help.  I am no expert but I can tell you that I have been prouder of myself this last week than I ever have been.  You will do great !!!
Helpful - 0
422795 tn?1293301409
The hours are counting down... I have only taken 2 oxy's this morning..I'v been wanting to take another two but its getting a little late in the evening... Each minute that goes by I didnt.. Still feeling optimistic.
At the height of my addiction I was taken 30mgs of oxycodones and one 5mg methadone, sometimes two on rare occasions. I have tapered down just enough to keep  major withdrawals away. A little embarrassing because the dosage is so small compared to others that are posting on here... (LOL)  Guess you could say I'm a light weight :) , but seriously, It would be a lie if I said I wasnt nervous. Just a major change thats going to happen, this isnt something that you do everyday.. I just hope that my posts will help some future reader like everyone else has helped me.. Everyone here that has given me support and encouragement has been great. I wouldnt have stayed on as long as I did if there wasnt such great people on here helping me from day one.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
when was the last time you took any methadone? i hope its been a day or so, at that low of a dose 5mgs, you shouldnt have a problem, but just make sure you tell the doctor that you did take methadone and when the last dose was, ok?  methadone is different when transitioning to suboxone or subutex...
but congratulations...if you have any questions i may be able to help, i also have a lot of information posted in my journal about sub...
good luck hun,you wont be sorry you made this decision, i have been on sub since may, it did save me...
Helpful - 0
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