First Time Poster

[JD1885]

Hello,

I'm posting this because I'm really sick and tired of being addicted to pain killers.  I've been off and on hydrocodone and oxycodone for about 5 years.  It all started at work with a bunch of guys who always had them.  It was cool at first for us all to pop a few and work and laugh together.  But now, I'm older and married with two kids and this crap is ruining my life.  Before, it never got to the point where I was going thru withdrawals when I wouldn't take them but now I've found a steady supply and I take usually 3 - 6 a day.  And at $6 a piece, it's ruining my life.  I am already broke, heading for divorce, and I'm sure it can only get worse from there.  I won't go to rehab or a doctor, I just have to quit.  I have before for a few weeks and then somehow, like a *******, wind up back at the guy's house buying more.  I joined this forum for a little support.

Thanks

[Determined85]

I was where you are about 18days ago... Like you mine started out "innocently" enough then it became a problem. Actually it became a bigger and bigger problem every time I tried to quit I would be successful for a liTtle while but like you would end up back buying more and each time I would fall deeper into addiction taking more and more I was up to 10 a day at $6-8 a piece so you can imagine I too was BROKE heading for divorce loosing everything I love... I too have a child so as I said I have been where you are. I can tell you, if you set your mind to it you CAN do this but you need some major support... You said you can't go to the dr or rehab may I ask why? As I said I had tried to stop in the past and was what I thought of as successful but then after a little time had passed I would find myself with a hand full of pills thinking it's just this one time I can handel it... It was a vicious cycle    

[JD1885]

Congratulations on the 18 days.  It's been a long time since I could say that.  I could go to the doctor I guess but the friends that I have went and got a lot of the same things and it was just expensive and now they are right back where they started.  One of them couldn't get off of suboxone and tabs and other stuff he was taking and hung himself yesterday.  I just need to figure out how to get past the mental part.  The physical I can handle - it's just the days after that.  Any suggestions?

[avisg]

Determined gave you some really good advice . Even if you don't see a doctor or go to rehab after you go off the pills which you can do safely unless you want to continue to relapse your going to need some recovery care . whether it aa/na a therapist an addiction dr something if not you will end up in the cycle of being off a month then unseeing again . You will find tons of support in all of the addiction forum but you really will need recovery support.

[JD1885]

I think an addiction therapist could be could.  I just wish I could completely forget about them.  How long will it take to not think about them every 30 seconds of every single day?

[Determined85]

Honestly everyday is a struggle with the mental aspect of quitting however it is bearable (especially with counseling I think that was the key that's gotten me this far) I personally didn't want to start with saboxone because it is an opiate to get off an opiate which didn't seem logical to me and then you have to work on getting off that... they gave me catapress-aka clonidine *(not sure on the spelling) from what I understand it's basically a bp med they gave it to me orally for the 1st 3days and then gave me a patch that stayed on for 12days it worked well for me honestly didn't feel 1 withdraw pain while I was on the catapress... It worked for me and the worst was over in 5days... Seriously FIVE days to change your life for the better... For me it took in patient rehab for 5days I no that's a big step and you may not be ready to take that step but again it was a small price to pay to get my life back. It was nothing like I expected. My work knew I was in the hospital but not what for.. Idk if that's an issue for you or not but its completely confidential and well worth the time. I'm so unbelievably thankful I took that step because even though every day is a struggle it's nothing compared to the struggle I was in before... If you are going to try it cold turkey I can tell you what I think you need... Immodium ad for the uhh... Stomach issues :) Gatorade to combat dehydration(which makes you feel the absolute worst) warm baths helped me with what I call the "skin crawling" sensation and the biggest piece of advise I can say is TALK to some1 when your feeling weak... Like advisg said al anon meetings will help for the longer term and actually hearing ur story today and telling you mine helped me through what was a difficult day for me... Good luck...      

[selfinduced]

How are you doing today?

[JD1885]

Hey everyone!  I'm doing okay today.  Last night wasn't very bad and I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and full of life.  I went to the gym and ran and ran and ran.  I was doing really good until the time came to perform my usual routine.  I've had an eleven oclock appointment with my dealer for a while now and it took everything I had not to go.  I even picked up the phone a couple of times to send the text but never did.  It's definitely a struggle but I've looked forward all day to logging on here and getting some extra support.  I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable right now but I know this will pass.  How is everyone else today?

[selfinduced]

YAH for you to be exercising AND ignore dealers appt. I know you don't feel so empowered right now, but that is huge. Keep busy, stay hydrated, remember a pill will not bring long term contentment. You don't want to ruin what you have collected so much courage to start. Before you know it a day will be down and your that much closer to living your REAL life. Keep fighting!

[JD1885]

Thank you for your support.  One big thing that helped me is being on here and if I had to reset that gosh dam tracker back to zero I was going to be pi55ed!  Hearing you guys' stories has helped me and really made me feel like I have enough support to do it this time.  I hope I can bring as much support to you as you have been to me.

[selfinduced]

So this is day 2? What is your most challenging symptom? Sounds like sleep came ok? Appetite? Keep posting, someone , somewhere will hit a button with you and give you strength.

[JD1885]

My most challenging sypmtoms (and always is) are  the mental aspect and the just being plain uncomfortable.  I know that it is only a text message away to be feeling that great feeling again.  It's terrible just sitting around at work thinking about it every 30 seconds.  I'm going to stay strong though because here are the positives -

Not feeling like a junkie
Not being completely broke
Not fighting with my wife everytime the bank statement comes in
Not having to worry if I can get them or not or when or if he'll be home
Soon being able to have extra money to hang out with friends and take my wife out on a date
Not headed for a nervous breakdown!

what are your worst symptoms?

[selfinduced]

can I give best ones first?  If a family member dies or a tragedy happens in my world, I can now help even if I don't have pills.I don't have to hide my addiction as I am losing it.   I am there for my kids like I used to be. I smile, I laugh, I joke. I can always be the driver to events now. I can have sex with my husband.   ok, bad symptoms.....still slightly depressed, still low energy, still angry I got in this mess, regret lost time with friends and family. I am new to this and have been told it gets WAY better. I have to believe.I know what you mean. One more detox would have done me in, I couldn't take it. Do you have kids?

[JD1885]

yes.  I have two kids that are 4 and 2 and I don't want them to grow up with an addict for a Dad.  I'm having a really hard time right now because I want to go so bad and I just got a text from my usual guy telling me everything is good and if I wanted to meet him.  It's hard.  I hope it gets easier.

[selfinduced]

Only you can do the right thing here. Its kinda a pay now or pay later type thing. Unfortunatly there is no perfect time to detox (I've tried several). You have a good start. Ya don't wanna start that all over again , do you? It gets rougher each time. I know it is hard, I can't tell you the amount of times I have called the Dr.;s office for JUST ONE MORE SCRIPT. It is ridicules at it finest. Be strong JD, you got this!

[JD1885]

Thanks.  I'm still good so far.  I'm gonna make it.  If just for today, I'm gonna make it.

[selfinduced]

YESSSSSS!!! Think of those sweet babies of yours and all the extra money you will have not to mention your inner peace. I believe in you. Just for today........

[vicki595]

Hi JD!

Can you ask your dealer to lose your phone number? Is he also a friend?  It's going to be a battle for you if you keep getting texts about availability! It would be for any of us!

Mentally, as the days go by the thoughts become less frequent. As you accumulate clean time, it will just kill you to throw it all away by using! I've been there but only once. That's how bad I felt after 51/2 months clean! I haven't touched it since...

I'll tell you what: Once you're away from the pills you'll feel like it's the most noble thing you've ever done in your life. It hurts,it's hard,it makes you cry...but every day that passes is always a good day when you're clean. I promise you that!

[avisg]

Take it day by day . I found in the early stages when I was craving bad i would exercise and it helped deal with the craving . I choose to see a therapist because I tend to try to fix everyone else  in group situations and avoid myself so a therapist was just the best choice for me. She doesn't put up with my crap . As the days pass the cravings do get less but it does take a while .At times of stress you will find even when u have a long time in recovery that you still have cravings from time to time .

[Determined85]

Its great to hear that you overcame that! And staying busy is a GREAT idea!
And the waking up refreshed? Great motivater huh? Idk bout u but I had forgotten what it felt like to be clear headed!                                    BTW... What tracker?? I'm new to this site and attempting to navigate from my phone??
Ne way- just wanted to say congrats on the good day! Hope 2morrow is just as good  

[JD1885]

Yes I've overcome it so far.  I kind of have a different attitude today.  An attitude that I've just been the weakest, sissiest person I could be.  Like saying..Ohhh these chills are soooo bad.  Ohhhh no I can't sleep, I better go get some.  It's just time to wake up from this bad dream.  I'm not even going to count the days anymore.  It's over.  I know it's still going to be on my mind but the other side of my brain is just going to slap the weak side and say get over it.  I turned all my dealers in to crime stoppers.  They are probably going to try to kill me, but I bet they won't sell me pills anymore!

[ricart70]

Hey buddy,glad you are still hanging in there.I am not in aa na but I am big on day counting especially at first because it lets me know how much better I am getting physiologically.Be careful with those dealers.Keep it up you are doing something great.Awesome!

[Prayn4better]

First off, PRAY. If you don't. Then start, if you do, continue even harder. I am much like you. I have an addiction to hydrocodone. It all started with a ruptured ovarian cysts, polycystic ovaries, and now severe chronic pelvic pain. And endodemetriosis. You must taper off. Reduce your intake. It works. This I know for sure. Its also not a bad idea to seek professional help. You have done well so far, and I hope that you will continue. I think you are almost out of the woods! All the best to you!

[wishfulthinking57]

Hey JD.  Congrats on day 3 is it?!

The mental struggle was the toughest part for me as well, and I'm sure many others will say the same.  You seem to have your motivation to keep strong which is obviously a very good thing.  Just remember, later down the line once you DO get through this, and the opportunity arises to possibly take a few again even if its just for fun...remember everything you're going through now and why you stopped in the first place.  For me, simply remembering the unbearable depression and awful mood swings I felt during WD has been more then enough for me to turn down any offerings I've received in the past 2 1/2 months.  

Keep in mind, a lot of the mental aspect along with the physical aspect is chemical as well.  Using supplements like vitamin b-6 and L-tyrosine can help smooth out your brain functions and kick start everything again.  You have to remember, you've abused your body this long, it's going to need a little while to recover - but it will.  Both of those supplements within a week of taking them really helped increase my energy and positive moods and was a huge help in the WD process, especially mentally.  Keep us updated my friend.

[selfinduced]

Bravo! Your doing amazing. Another day down, tomorrow will be easier. Congratulations on getting your life back. Sending you strength and energy for the next few days. You got this!!!