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Functioning Alcoholism

My husband goes to work everyday and makes a good living.  He is not abusive and rarely appears intoxicated to others.  But...he drinks ALOT of beer.  He consumes at least 3 cases per week (72 beers).  He drinks every night and starts as soon as he gets home from work.  He starts drinking at noon on the week-ends. Since the 8 years we have been together, I can recall only 1 or 2 days when he has not had a beer.  He doesn't drive if he has been drinking and has never had a DUI.  I am not sure how to approach this, other than it can not be good for his body, and he doesn't seem overly concerned about that.  He carries out his responsibilities, but our week-end activities revolve around beer availablity.  Both his brothers, sister, and mother are like this and his family does not seem to view this as abnormal.  I am not sure what to do.  I am concerned for him and the example he sets for our 4 year old.  We don't go many places as a family as it inturups beer drinking.  I think when it rules our lives to this degree it is a problem, but I am not sure how to approach it since he is not a gutter drunk and does not fit the rock bottom profile.  Suggestions?
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Avatar universal
I sure wish you luck and you are right you must be able to discuss it with no distactions.  At least then he will know you are serious and you will hear him out too.  I can't imagine there will be a quick fix unless he wants this as much as you do but never say never.  If you notice there are a ton of posts on here about people resenting their loved ones who sat by and did and said nothing to help the user.  It is called codependency and enabling.  I hope this helps a little to at least let you know your are not wrong here.  When you first posted I got the impression you were not sure of yourself but that has changed with some support.  Think of how your support may help him.  If he is as standup as you have said he knows deep down wha he doing is no good.  let us know how it goes.
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Avatar universal
Question, are you planning to stay with him if he doesn't stop? I am a huge proponent of keeping a family together, but there are certain reasons that it may be best to consider leaving. Before I would leave though, and this might be good to know before you confront him, could you get sole custody or custody with supervised visitation. The reason behind this is if you were to decide to leave and you had joint custody, you would have no control his actions, drinking, new Honey, ect. when your little girl would be with him. At least now you are there to protect her and can monitor his drinking. Once again, I think a two parent home is the best, but if one parent has an addiction and is not willing to stop, then the welfare of the child needs to be the main priority. If at any time during the time that I took vicodin my wife would have said, “quit or I can and will take your kid away” I would have stopped cold in my tracks.
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Avatar universal
Rosebud, so right.....It has not gotten any better over the last 8 years, so nothing tells me the next 8 will improve without some changes.  If he has so much control over his drinking, then prove it and stop.  I have been down the "loving" path and the role model path but it has not worked to date.  I just do not want to stand by idle while he pickles his liver.  Aside from the health issues, it is expensive.  I am trying to pick a good time to address this when my daughter isn't around.  No matter how I do this it is not going to be pretty.  
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Avatar universal
For some reason I assumed your child was a girl, but I don't think you actually said that. You can substitue son, if that's the case, it still fits
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Avatar universal
When my wife and I got married, I smoked, she didn't like it and said wanted me to quit. She said if I tried and worked at it, she would give me something to "help me occupy the time that I didn't use for smoking" in the evenings, if you catch my drift. Cool, however my desire to quit was low and her follow through “lacked enthusiasm”, so it didn’t work. I did finally quit, but it was when she was pregnant with our first son and I wanted to.

Point is, I would bet if you went out of your way to be extra sweet, loving and complimented him when he does good he would slow down and/or quit.

You could also point out, in a loving way, that this is the role model he is being to his daughter and when she is in high school and/or college she will probably follow in his footsteps and  it may lead to you having grandkids living at your house.
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1 Comments
It doesn't matter how sweet or complimentary you are. They want to drink , they are going to drink.
Avatar universal
sorry for the trple post people
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Avatar universal
Itg is always better to deal with a problem before it turns to crisis.  I have a friend who is now dealing with a man she has been married to for 22 years.  Yes a drinker functioned well and all the stuff.  In the last 2 years he has totalled the family van, lost two jobs and has had his state license suspended for alcohol abuse.  he is still not dry and has been in therapy for 6 plus months.  this has all happened since they crossed the 20 year mark of marriage.  Not to mention what it is doing to their very aware teenagers.  You must follow your gut instinct on this one.  Who knows maybe he will admit it and then nobody can ignore it.  
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Avatar universal
Itg is always better to deal with a problem before it turns to crisis.  I have a friend who is now dealing with a man she has been married to for 22 years.  Yes a drinker functioned well and all the stuff.  In the last 2 years he has totalled the family van, lost two jobs and has had his state license suspended for alcohol abuse.  he is still not dry and has been in therapy for 6 plus months.  this has all happened since they crossed the 20 year mark of marriage.  Not to mention what it is doing to their very aware teenagers.  You must follow your gut instinct on this one.  Who knows maybe he will admit it and then nobody can ignore it.  
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Avatar universal
Itg is always better to deal with a problem before it turns to crisis.  I have a friend who is now dealing with a man she has been married to for 22 years.  Yes a drinker functioned well and all the stuff.  In the last 2 years he has totalled the family van, lost two jobs and has had his state license suspended for alcohol abuse.  he is still not dry and has been in therapy for 6 plus months.  this has all happened since they crossed the 20 year mark of marriage.  Not to mention what it is doing to their very aware teenagers.  You must follow your gut instinct on this one.  Who knows maybe he will admit it and then nobody can ignore it.  
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Avatar universal
Thank you all for responding.  I guess I am trying to build an argument for the confrontation, which I am sure he will blow off.  It is hard when he has been getting promoted at work, no dui's, and his family condones it.  But he IS dependant and it is not healthy.  I guess I wanted re-assurance that I am not the nagging wife. I really appreciate the support.

Tennis
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Avatar universal
You got some good advice. And they are very correct it will get worse and worse.

Dove
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390416 tn?1275185087
Welcome to the forum...there's lots of  help and support here.
OMG>>.you just told my story...only I WAS  the beer drinker...
I still had a job, home, car, etc. , but I also had 2 dui's over a10 yr. period.
I finally got "sick and tired of being sick an tired"...
only he can decide if he is an alcoholic, but HE is the one who HAS to want to quit..

have you ever thought about attending an al-anon mtg?(a mtg. for those who have an alcoholic in their life)

you can also do an intervention to get him into treatment

If it is interrrupting family life...YES, it is a problem...it affects the WHOLE family..

One thing I do know...it will continue to get worse..and the yets..are out there waiting(dui, loss of job, etc.) to happen

I wish you luck...keep posting!!!

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Avatar universal
Let me ask you a question?  Does he get that look that comes over his face after about the 4th beer?  And then maybe has a bit of an attitude towards you that is different than in the morning?  Obviously this is bothering you or you would not be on here asking questions.  Trust your gut cause you and I both know that he is in fact abusing alcohol.  I have been in a marriage like this for 20 years now much like yours.  Trust me it has and will get worse and worse.  You are right to worry about your daughter as she will start to emulate his behavior sooner or later.  I am sorry to hear this as I wish I had put my foot down a long tiome ago.  I tried but it never lasted because he refused any kind of treatment.  I now have a pill habit after not ever drinking at all or abusing anything.  It started with an injury and then I learned how easy it was to get buzzed and not have to deal with him anymore.  Problem is I started not dealing with anything or anyone anymore.  Please try to get some help now at least for yourself if he will not.  It really will help you.
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Avatar universal
He is not a functioning alcoholic in my mind. Because his life revolves around beer. I had a husband like that and I always had to make sure there was enough beer in the house when he got home.

I would just say something like do you always have to have a beer in your hand. Or maybe we need an extra gargbage can for all these beer bottles.

Hope that helped, I know where your coming from.

Dove
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