Just a thought......b/c I can kind of hear it in some of your writings........I used the most, during the holidays!!! I think maybe we forget this. To keep up with work, kids, house cleaning, extra shopping, extra cooking, extra people in the house, etc.... This is a time when most addicts use, as it helped with the stress (or so we thought). How else were we supposed to keep up? lol.....I think about all of the expectations I used to put on myself in having to have the holidays absolutely perfect! Perfect house, perfect food, perfect presents, all the while I was completely falling apart on the inside.
Holidays are hard.......and with Covid, it's just the cherry on top! Today I will stop....do something for myself to keep my sanity (go to yoga, read my mediation, call my sponser) and then do what I can do....no more, no less!
It's a full on journey with many bumps and twists and turns along the way. You are doing great mrmayberry. I love reading your posts and find you an inspiration. Even when things aren't smooth sailing for you. You offer hope to me, for sure. Planning is key which includes planning for when I might go off the rails. I have also tried to be flexible with my thinking and approach when my 'plan' doesn't go as I hoped. That can make me trigger as then it all seems F'd up. But I'm working on thinking of it as one moment at a time and being able to readjust when something isn't feeling 'right'.
One of the things that bugs me at holiday time is all the 'stuff'. Stuff to do constantly. Stuff out in the house constantly. All the usual chores get pushed into the back because of the holiday 'stuff' I have to do. Stuff stuff stuff. Excess stuff in the house. More junk coming in for presents. I have a food stock up due to covid that makes me look like a food pantry which then makes me feel guilty. And no good place to put it. Family is being patient with me but it is now bugging me cause it is more 'stuff'. When I feel overwhelmed, I shut down and can't deal properly with the stuff. And then the stuff gets dirty and more messy. Feel like it is closing in on me, to be honest.
Looking forward to January where I plan to clean the 'stuff' out. I say it every year and then get wrapped up in a netflix series or needing sleep and the stuff is untouched. ho ho ho but THIS year? I am going to DO IT.
So, as you can see, my mind is in a whirl. Feelings of inadequacy. Feelings of helplessness. Feeling of exhaustion. Holidays are hard. Sometimes I want to be a little kid again where someone else does most of the work, makes things nice for me and cares if I believe in Santa or not. But I know that THEN, someone might tell me not to eat the 12 cookies I want to eat before dinner. So, ya. But it would be nice to feel cared for at some point instead of always being the caregiver.
Could be more info than you wanted, ha ha.
Job well done on the 215 days clean off pills!
On January 1st, I will be celebrating 7 years clean off of all drugs and alcohol. I feel like the last few months I've been clawing my way though life, and I can only pray that at some point it gets better. I use (used) N/A to get and stay clean (along with this site) and N/A has been pretty non-existent in my area since Covid started.
I have 3 married kids and one in college. ALL of my family will be at my house for Christmas of which my daughter and her husband intend to wear masks and socially distance themselves. This will cause issues with her brothers so I'm kind of not looking forward to the arguing. I'm making a big pot of gumbo, potato salad and bread pudding....THE END! Not working myself into a frenzy of dishs. Trying to make it as easy as possible. I texted everyone and told them dad and I aren't going anywhere, you're all welcome to come to our home and eat, no set schedule. The END! Hopefully, this works!
Congratulations on 215 days. The fricking awesome and 18 days is a great start. Holidays will definitely suck this year in comparison to previous ones. Wish I could see family but seems best to follow suggestions and wait til next year