Has Anyone Put Their Family Second to drugs?

[Penelope14]

During my detox from methadone I have begun to see things much more clear, suddenly Im begining to feel things that I havent felt before, when I was on 90mgs I functioned & went thru my daily life thinking the whole time that life was good, & that I had beat my addiction, now I see this was the drug masking everything, I keep thinking about the bad stuff I put my family thru & I all of a sudden have this shame that is kinda overwhelming, heres a few horrible examples of what I did when I was on oxicotin- Left my son who was 8 at home alone at midnight, so I could meet up with my ex-boyfriend at a wallgreens to fill his script, I also did some horrible things to my husband which I wont even bring up, its ugly!  The worst of it is what I did to my own child, looking back at this I think to myself, what kinda mother does this?, I would never act this way anymore, I just feel so disgusted especially about leaving my child home alone, that one gets me, I love my son more then anything in the world! Just wanted to see if anyone else has put their drug of choice before their family?   Penelope
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[Needhelp59]

I was on xanax for about 6 years and after I stopped I thought the guilt would kill me.  Finally I got my family together (husband and daughter who was almost 21 when I stopped) and had a heart to heart with them.  I cried and cried, and of course apologized.  I just felt so guilty for all the time that had slipped by in a haze.  My daughter hugged me and cried and said the main thing is you are OK now.  I just decided I cannot change the past - we have to make the future the best it can be.  

[spacecadette]

Most have.  Shame is God's way of letting us know that what we did is wrong.  Congrats on the next step to recovery.  It is healthy what your feeling.  Consequences are for the best of intentions.  We made choices and now we suffer for them. Without suffering, there would be no compassion.  Take each day as a chance to start over.  Make a change.  Best of luck.  

[KAYOS]

Guilt being the hardest of emotions to handle when it comes to loved ones is the worst. Try to forgive yourself,as I am sure your family will when they notice positive things coming of the new way of life you are trying to lead.
Don't confess your sins it could possibly back fire someday ,ending up right back in the hole heart of things. Love the family who is behind you , forget all the things that feel  so bad .
Its hard enough trying to get back on track, much less let people take advantage of what they know will hurt you at some point. My personal issues also led me to things ,I have chosen to block and not talk. If I ever feel the need to, I would do it with someone other than your family. Just as you have bringing it to people who understand. Good Luck

[bubbaganoosh]

I would walk through a tsunami to get my dose still would, lets not beat around or cotton wool it , we would do anything to get it, i almost ran out the car once when there was an accident and holding us up for 1hr. I'ts sad methadone has as much as ahold then herion ask any herion addict if not more.Sad part Its priorety no 1 ask yourself honestly

[sue41]

I can relate. I have done some pretty STUPID, not to mention dangerous things when I was looking for my next fix.  I have taken my child to the doctor and told them that she had a terrible cough that was keeping her awake all night.  All the while I was just using her to get my hands on some cough medicine with hydrocodone in it.  Or the one I used the most, go to a friend's house and say that the kids needed to use the bathroom.  While in there I would rummage through their cabinets and drawers for anything that had a narcotic in it.  I was also the social butterfly for those 10 years.  If I got invited to any kind of party, (tupperware, birthday, garden club) you can be sure I went.  Access to medicine cabinets. Just about everyone has some type of narcotic in their medicine cabinets. Oh, and if anyone I knew (even if they were a minor acquaintence) had surgery, etc. I was always the first to visit.  

Let me tell you, when under the grips of addiction, we find ourselves doing just about anything to get our hands on our drug of choice.  So, to answer your question Penelope, I have definately put my family second before, but I am going to do my best to NEVER do that again.  

XOX,
sue41

[Lsufan3103]

I did the same type of things to my wife and kids.... like getting up in the middle of a family dinner to go get some pills, or getting mad at the kids just for being kids when I didn't have them, I even caused me and my wife to miss our plans on our anniversary just because it took my dealer 30 min longer to get home. So yes.... I did that and much more horrible things to put my addiction before my family. That's just one of the things that an addiction does to you. The way that I make up for it and get rid of the guilt that I have from time to time is to just do as much as I can with them and enjoy every minute of it. I almost got divorced because of these things, me and my wife actually split up for 6 mths because of this. Luckily I was given a second chance and now.... every minute that I get to share with my family, I make sure that I make the most of it!!! It'll be ok, time heals the wounds. Just enjoy their company and spend as much time as you can with them.

[confused456]

Penelope......I am glad to hear that you are not going to let the past haunt your future. That is great! Keep looking ahead and be proud of what you are now and what you will continue to be and that is a sober Mommy who obviously loves her son very much!!

[Penelope14]

Thanks, You guys are right, I cant change the past but I will make sure that I change my furture, these foolish mistakes I made were done out of drug use, although I always knew they were wrong I just couldnt stop the desire to use, it was much bigger then I. Now Its time to clean house & put the past in the past, I shall never forget it but I wont allow it to break me.  Penelope

[newmanagment]

somethin i dont share with many, i left one sunday mornin to go to wal-mart. my daughter wuz 2, and she wanted to go  with daddy. we loaded up and went , everyone else wuz asleep. i stopped to get gas, and ran into my dealer. i bought dope, went to a friends house, and let her play with his son while we got high..... i beat myself on that one for about 6 months!! but i realize to get it all back together i had to quit trying to escape the pain in my heart by smoikin dope. she dint know or care, just wanted to be with daddy, but it is something i will alwayz hold in my heart and mind, and i hate the fact i cant erase it..... but i can make up for it by being the sober dedicated father that they deserve :)

[GoingToMakeIt]

I only did that when I used LOL

[road2recovery]

Yes like you i have done the same type of things....When we get clean, the thoughts of those things are just as painfull as the detoxing was....Maybe worst because we can change by not using, but we can't change what we have done...BUT i have learned that if i dwell on those things, it causing me to want to use again, just to forget...So really we have to just go forward and do better, that is all we can do...I know i do more with my kids now and they see a better mom...now when i read to my little one i dont' skip pages  lol, i actually enjoy reading to her, instead of trying to hurry with the book...
Please try to focus on the future, and maybe get some counsouleing for the past...That way you can bury it, and let it go....
good luck and don't be so hard on yourself
r2r

[overcom31]

Yes there were many times unfortunatly that I put my pills before my kids or parents or anyone important to me. I have drove to meet the deelers with my kids in the car, or let them come to my house to deliver when my kids were there. We have all made bad decisions in the past concerning our addictions, and would probably do anything to change it if we could. Mine got so bad I progressed from taking 30-40 hyro's a day to firing oxycontin into my arm. I finally decided one day I had had enough  of it and went to the metadone clinic where I went up to 55mg for the first six months then began working my way down 2mg a week till I got down to 6mg and quit going all together that was a year ago last december. I can happily say I have been drug free since then, I just found out I have hep c this past January and have started tx to get my self well again. I know that I got this from the terrible lifestyle I was living and thank God that I was able to overcome it and move on. I also feel discusted about the choices I have made, but all we can do is move forward and make better choices in the future. Best of luck to everyone who is winning this battle!!

[VOsRose]

Yes...and 3rd and 4th and 5th and infinity.  Nothing was as important as getting my drugs and making sure I had enough to get through.  I will post more later, as I am on my way out...this is a great topic and one we all need to refect on.  Thanks for the opening.

Peace

Rosie

[allaboutmary]

Are you still there. I'm worried about you girl.  I know you have been struggling the past few days.  I just wanted to say you really are my hero. The way you have stuck with your taper and tuffed this out is just amazing. Please, please be proud of yourself not ashamed.  Not many can do what you are doing.  You son is a lucky little guy.  Things are going to get better in a few weeks this will just be a bad memory.  Hang in there.  Hugs,  Mary

[allaboutmary]

Yes, your not alone in this.  You are a good mother !  Look at all you are going through for your son.  The addiction makes us do things we normally would't do.  You need to forgive yourself and move forward. Beating yourself up over this now will not help you. It's done and you won't ever do it again. You are working so hard to get clean. You deserve an award ! Your gonna get through this and life will be good again. Hang in there girl !  Hugs,   Mary