Half your post I could easily have written myself a few weeks ago. I too made umpteen half hearted attempts to clean up, lied about it and everything else as my life turned into a slow-motion train wreak.
As a singer I greatly admire said "kicking is hard but the bottom is harder", some of us really do have to hit bottom before we wake up and really mean it. As you know we HAVE to really mean to to stand a chance of getting out of that downspiral.
It sounds to me like you are serious, if you are you have every chance of saving yourself and getting your life back. You know whats in store in the next few weeks but you also know you can get through the WD.
The difference this time is you will STAY clean afterwards.
Welcome back. I wish it was under different circumstances. I am glad you are with a safe friend that will be able to monitor you and the pills. The detox will not be pleasant but it will be doable. If you dont stop taking these you are going to die. What are your plans after you detox? You really are going to need some type of aftercare. Remember getting clean is the easy part. Check out the health pages and look at the Thomas Recipe or the amino acid one. We all need supplements after abusing our bodies for so long. You have this in you to get and stay clean. It is hard work but so worth it. Dig deep and fight for you. You are so worth it. Keep posting as we are here to help you.....sara
Hard to find the "i'm worth it" part. I have really made some major mistakes over past year. I have hurt family and all of my loved ones with lies and complete disregard for anyone else. I have put myself into a place that is disgusting and outright cruel. I have broken so many promises, manipulated every situation, and now- I am left with my remains. My "punishment'. I would say that I am scared, but truth is, I can't feel anything anymore. Just pain. discomfort. exhaustion. anger (maybe), apathy, constipation (: all of this I know I have brought onto myself and so it puts me in a place of worthlessness. I have contemplated ending it all...I have kids, but sometimes really think a drug addict mom is no more than a burden. At least death would release them...I know- it's not logical. I know- it will pass. But sometimes; just sometimes, those thoughts come in and take over. I really want to say "I love you" and mean it again. I want to truly know what gratitude and peace feels like. I am so numb I can't even laugh. I pretend quite well, but it's too hard these days. I am at my bottom. Sure of it. I can't remember the times that I didn't use...the times that I had support from others recovering...I have lost touch with reality, and of course, esteem. I hate this. Why the eff did I do it again? No one but one person knows...no one can ever tell when I am using....and even without them knowing, I have managed to burn bridges with lies and deceit.
I want to feel love for my kids. I know i love them intellectually. I know I used to beam with pride. Now I go thru motions hoping that for just one second of a day I will be allowed a glimpse of it again....but no. Instead, I take more pills.
Today I took 26 if I kept up correctly.
Tomorrow I will lower it.
The emotional pain brought on by our addiction is the hardest. I too have been where you are at and felt the same way. There is a way out and you are on the road to getting better. These feelings wont last forever and are temporary. I know that doesnt make you feel better but i am living proof that it does get better. You are full of hurt and your words speak for you but you also have hope in there too. You can get better. We can and will be here to help and support you..you have to do the hard work and you will. Never ever give up. You will get thru this and get to the other side. sara
Why did you do it again? To hide from what the pills had already led you to do to your life if my experience is anything to go by...
I know you know this already but those behaviours, that self loathing and despair is ALL due to brain chemistry being messed up due to the pills. The emotions do return, I woke up smiling yesterday fter 19 days clean and I cannot even remember the last time that happened.
I wasn't using as much as you but I still managed to throw ten years away during which I burnt every relationship I had. Slowly putting the pieces back together now and if people can forgive me they will forgive you ... its hard to believe anyone could have behaved worse than I did. You just need to forgive yourself, hard as that is right now.
Don't give in. Keep fighting!
I have been a compulsive liar my entire life. I lied when I was barely speaking. I am making this promise here and now: While on this forum I will not lie. If I DO, I will (eventually) come clean with it. I am looking for a therapist to help with it as well. The more I use, the more I lie. I have really made a mess of life. Lies that are the most outrageous and most harmful. I feel karma will soon catch up, and at that point I wont be able to handle it. I have no conscience about my lying until I am caught. And then, I think it's mostly embarrassment and shame. I am not sure what it is, but when caught, I run. My safe friend has caught me, promised unconditional love, and I have stayed...this time. I have still not come clean with all the lies with this particular person, but MANY of them are out. When I am clean I rarely lie. And usually when I do, I retract it. It is an addiction. ALways has been. I feel like it is the most degrading disorder. My bio family are all liars too, and I wasn't raised with them...no one in my adopted family lies, but when I met bio, I was almost relieved. Like it gave me the "okay to lie'. God I am screwed up. I am 35 and have nothing accomplished and nothing worth observation.
This is my first time to admit this particular problem, but honestly, it is my DOC. I don't know that i get high off of it, but it serves some selfish purpose. Attention and false esteem...? I suppose.
The pills hide the shame and at the same time make me lie more.....JFKDLSJKLSJFKLDJSKLJDFKLFJDKLFJDLKFJDKLJSDLJLK!
That is how I feel and that is no lie.
I don't think you are as dishonest as you believe you are.
You obviously feel bad about your relapse, you could easily have come back here and lied about how great everything was and basked in everyones admiration. You could just as easily have created another ID to talk about your problems, instead you here as you are, honestly admitting you have a problem.
As you say yourself you rarely lie when clean, no one tells the unvarnished truth 24/7 even when sober and as addicts - I'm sure I not gonna be contradicted here - we ALL have lied, cheated, done whatever.
I know you feel worthless now but thats just the drugs talking. I wish there some words that could make you believe that just a few weeks of suffering are all thats between you and getting your life back, getting YOU back. Your brain will recover. You will start to feel stuff again and you will be able to be a human being again rather than just going through the motions.
Like Sarah said you do need support, get that sorted out.
Just give yourself a chance, its clear others think you are worth it and theres probably a reason for that.
Slow down the thoughts. It's going to be a slow road back, it is for all of us. We didn't get ourselves in so deep over nite, ya know! Start tapering off an give yourself some credit for wanting to put a stop to using. I've been there, exactly where you are, and it wasn't so long ago. You need to be kind to yourself
I know exactly how you feel. I was also taking 6 or 7 at a time...and had all of the same feelings you do right now.
It does get better. I have been clean for 16 days today...and I can honestly say that I feel better now than I did the whole 3 years I was using those pills. I feel all of the things that you say you miss feeling. The true feeling of love for my son....hell..just feeling anythig!! There was a time when I didn't think I would ever "feel" again, and I am here to tell you that it will all come back. You can do this, and you have done this before....so you CAN do it again. And if you are anything like me, then what's gonna drive you to GET clean and STAY clean are those awesome little boys of yours. They deserve the mom that you used to be...the mom that you miss right now. And that mom is in there somewhere...she didn't go anywhere...shes just hiding behind the pills.
You need to stop being so hard on yourself. Eveyone has relapsed. If not...this forum wouldn't be here, and none of these people would be here. Sh*t happens, and you relapsed....so Fn' what! Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and do what you need and want to do. You can do this! Set up a good taper program, and stick to it....if not for you...then do it for those awesome boys of yours! There is a happy life after drugs....I promise you. For so long...you have found your happiness in using, so you need to re-train your brain to find happiness in the things prior to the drugs. And that takes time...but once it does happen...it's sooo rewarding.
So...stop beating your self up....and do what you KNOW needs to be done. It's put up or shut up time! ;)
sometimes it takes getting kicked in the face 20 times before we wake up.........
Am okay today. Barely begun to taper, so am not feeling any physical effects yet. Primarily feeling emotional effects of my actions. I have many obstacles to pass thru over the next few days. Many of them seem impossible. But I am not going to give up- I promise.
I will type more later...off to run errands.
You guys are great. Seriously. Thanks so much for the replies and the emails. (:
you can do it and for the fibs don't be so hard on yourself try and keep the thoughts in your head to a minimum you do have a whole life to look forward to your a beautiful woman. We will be here for you!