Here I go again

[Pat1956100]

I am on day 1 again opiate free.  My tylenol 3 taper which I was doing to help get off the percs and oxy's didn't work.  I started out okay but just ended up binging on them.  I keep making it to day 2 and then cave and ended up having to buy some percs.  In the last week I have been on day 2 about 3x.  
I need to post so I have to be accountable to someone as I can't do it alone.
I am feeling really sick right now and have all the bad withdrawal symptoms.  Hoping to feel okay by the end of the weekend.  This has to be the last time for me.  I am truly done and sick of pills.  I don't even get high off them anymore.  They just make me feel normal and take away the depression and anxiety for a little while.  
I was really looking forward to enjoying this summer pill free and it's not too late.  I can do this with help from this forum.

[Pat1956100]

Hey I'm changing that.  I meant I want to be Blanche.

[Pat1956100]

No way, I want to be Rose.

[Sonrissa]

Hey! I have a bunch of Golden Girls DVDs I could send you! Now that was a funny show! Just picture some of us living together!! I would be Rose! Hope you know what I'm talking about!  LOL

[akitagurl12]

Hi Pat!!!!  I think hanging with your mom after the detox is a great idea.  Get away from those neighbors for awhile.  I also love the old 2 and a half men episodes too. lol  As usual, i am very proud of you & your determination. :)

[Pat1956100]

44 hours in and feeling rough but nothing that I can't handle.  Need to stay positive and not let any depression slip in.  I'm fighting it hard.  It seems to be the worst part of this.  Funny, funny shows.  I love two and a half men with charlie sheen.  The other one ***** lol.  

[Dixiechick72]

Hi Pat ... Sorry I'm usually not on as my Hubby gets home but saw ur post and wanted to respond. U really have been through so so much and I am proud of u because u keep trying instead of giving up... So I know u have it in u!!! Just get through the crappy WD and then you'll have plenty of time for ur aftercare!!! I know u can do this!!! I also know how badly u want this!!! Sending u big big hugs and prayers ur way!!! U will do this. One hour to one day at a time ok!!! Oh... And I love the idea of the hot male maid!!! Lol .... U have no idea of what images came to mind!!! Lol. Great idea!!!:) hang in there my friend!!!  Xo

[Sonrissa]

Hear Hear Self!! I absolutely agree and couldn't have said it any better!

[selfinduced]

You have had much anguish in your life. This is a new beginning. I will tell you that living without pills is an out of body kind of experience when your life has revolved around them. You will be sooo much happier mentally and physically. Your self esteem and confidence in knowing you fought and won will rise beyond words. You are a terrific woman and you deserve all this life has to offer. Hang in there, the best is yet to come!!!

[Pat1956100]

No access to a sauna but we have been having a heat wave here so I feel like I'm in a sauna.  Maybe it's helping.  Really drained today but hoping to try and walk tomorrow, when it's dark and nobody can see me.  
Thanks for stopping in and I appreciate your advice.  I want this so bad.  Enough is enough.

[Pat1956100]

Really looking forward to being a clean member of society.  I am looking forward to regaining my dignity and strength.  I like that I can say I am almost 2 days clean.  There are lots of positives going around in my head.

[selfinduced]

Theres my funny girl shining thru! Keep saying these words to yourself....THIS IS NOT FOREVER, TOMORROWS A NEW DAY! To get past this you need to go thru it. Stay in the bathtub for the next 2 days if necessary. I see my friend Rush popped in to cheer you on, you have no idea how special that is...he is amazing and very busy. YOU can do this my friend....day by day!

[Sonrissa]

Hmmmm, what a great idea! The Secret Detoxers kit comes with a hot maid and a silver tinkle bell!!! Wish I was there, I would help you, but I'm not male, and NOT hot! LOL! You sound like your attitude is good!

[Pat1956100]

haha, you have to blame my mother.  I swear i wasn't even thinking about the other stuff.  It was all about my detox.  I don't even know why she told me.
I was just curled up with my cat and trying to think good thoughts.  
Usually my mom makes me laugh when I call her.  Not today.
I'm okay though, really I am.  Except for feeling like crap, hurting, sick to my stomach, I am okay. I wish i had a maid and could ring a little bell and ask him(it may as well be a hot male maid because it's a fantasy) to bring me some crackers and rub my back.

[Sonrissa]

How about we get through the detox first and THEN think about the other stuff! Just try to focus on feeling better! I'm here if you want to talk!

[Pat1956100]

I phoned my mother and she was going through sympathy cards and getting rid of them.  She told me I needed to do that with John's.  Ummm, I don't think so mom.  She has no idea that I am detoxing but just picturing her going thru cards from my sister's death kind of freaked me out.  
My sisters came last weekend and cleaned out most of my sisters things and left my mom with bags to get rid of but she is going thru them now.
Ugh, I know why I used.   I know why I keep relapsing.  I just have to be stronger than my grief now.  I really think I am.  It still hurts like hell and if I hadn't used I would be so much further through it now but it's time to deal and heal.

[Pat1956100]

I phoned my mother and she was going through sympathy cards and getting rid of them.  She told me I needed to do that with John's.  Ummm, I don't think so mom.  She has no idea that I am detoxing but just picturing her going thru cards from my sister's death kind of freaked me out.  
My sisters came last weekend and cleaned out most of my sisters things and left my mom with bags to get rid of but she is going thru them now.
Ugh, I know why I used.   I know why I keep relapsing.  I just have to be stronger than my grief now.  I really think I am.  It still hurts like hell and if I hadn't used I would be so much further through it now but it's time to deal and heal.

[Sonrissa]

Hey sweetie! I agree about the food! Eat something, OK?  Hang in there! You are doing well! Sending you strength!!

[conhall]

good Job You sound very positive :) Glad you slept Get some food down it will help you  

[Pat1956100]

Hi everyone
I am still hanging in and appreciate your support very much.
I did get quite a bit of sleep, thanks to the ativan.  I forgot to take my effexor and I think that is contributing to how crappy I feel.  Electric shocks and all.
I am over 40 hours clean and still very determined to do this.
I don't feel like there is anything that can stop me right now,
Really feeling sick but also hopeful and looking forward to being free of pills.

[rush2112]

also, even though you won't want to, a good hour long walk is worth the effort too, helps exercise the legs and they won't be as jumpy, i did that in the evening...plus it kept me from being bored and stretched out my body so it didn't hurt as bad, especially my lower back and hips which is where I was hurting after so much couch time.

[rush2112]

I haven't checked in in a while, but i know you are a friend of a friend (self) and I thought i'd throw my two cents in...do you have access to a sauna...
when i detoxed I joined a gym and it the sauna every day over the first three or four, drank lots and lots of water and felt like I was pushing the poison out of my body, I swear it eased and sped up the process and if you have the chills your time in the suana is a relief from those chills...sweating is so good for you!  I also found that it kept me from having the night sweats, which i hate a whole bunch, waking at four in the morning soaked through the blankets, hair wet yada yada...

[ribs2k]

Pat,
I hope you got some sleep. I have to agree with Sarah, and you know I have nothing but your best interests in mind. If you have such easy access it will be difficult to avoid that temptation. I think that has to be eliminated or you could end up going back. You are strong and I know you will figure this out. I hope day 2 is easy on you.
Randy

[selfinduced]

Sending much support and strength for the day. xx

[minn66]

Hi Pat, I'm so sorry I haven't been around and missed your post. Just know that I will always be in your corner. Staying at your mother's for a while is a good idea. I hope you were able to get some rest yes, definitely find something funny to watch! You already have such a great sense of humor and I think laughing will do you some good.

Big hugs,
Minn