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3122869 tn?1342154051

Hi. I am an addict.

Tonight I told my husband that I am addicted to hydrocodone. He smiled, told me loved me and said that we'll beat this together.

I am the luckiest woman in the world.

My addiction began three years ago when, like many of you, I was given hydrocodone for chronic pain. To be honest, I've always had a weak spot for pills and would take twice the amount of anything because I thought it would "work better". Hydrocodone hit a sweet spot for me, though, and I found it harder and harder to turn away from it. I began using it not only for pain, but for the sense of euphoria it gave me and the way it numbed my emotional pain and calmed me.

When my husband had a cardiac arrest in April and it took a week before I knew he would live, my addiction spiraled even more out of control. He's alive and well now, but my taking between 25 and 30 10-325 pills a day has become my norm. Yes, that would be 300mg of hydrocodone and 9750mg of APAP every. day.

The night he had the cardiac arrest, I was the one who provided CPR. Many people told me I saved his life. I don't want for both he and I to have fought so hard for his life, only for me to turn around and destroy my own. I will die if I do not stop using. Already, I can see the difference in me. My skin is lusterless. My nails and hair look awful. I've lost weight but not in a healthy way. And my mind's a sieve. We went for sushi with friends on Saturday and I was embarrassed by how many words I couldn't remember, how out of touch I was with everything. And the euphoria is long gone. Now I use just to make it through the day. There's no joy in it. I often wonder why I bother getting up at all.

I don't want the old me back, but I believe there can be a new and better me. I owe it to myself and I owe it to my husband. So here's the plan:

I have begun to taper. Hubby is my pill holder. I think I can take it down to 10 pills a day right away, and then drop one pill a week until I'm down to just one a day. From there, I'll go a couple of weeks and then jump off. I've been reading these forums for almost a year and am familiar with wd symptoms, but I won't allow myself to get psyched out by them. I'll just take each day as it comes.

In the meantime, I will make an appointment to see my doctor and tell her the truth. She's a good doctor and will help me to get healthy. She is currently my only source for pills, other than a friend who occasionally gives me a few when I'm out. I will also tell him the truth so that he doesn't give me any more. These are both good people who have been manipulated by me and have never pushed pills on me. I know they'll be sad but supportive.

I will walk more, eat better and take time to enjoy small things. I don't like alcohol much but I'll be sure to avoid it just in case. I know that addictions can bounce from one thing to another. I do smoke and would like to quit, but one thing at a time. LOL I will seek out an addiction therapist and attend NA meetings. I have a lot of ugly things to work through, but I'm not going to let shame hold me back. I'm human. I screwed up. I'm moving forward. When the time comes to quit completely, I will stock up with items from the Thomas Recipe and take a few days off.

I don't want to die. I don't want to be this person I've become, this person I know I'm not. I know that I'm taking a risk by tapering, I know that the self control is hard, but I feel that with the support of my husband, friends and doctor, I will succeed. I must succeed. I'm only 36. I want to live a life that I'm proud of.

Thank you for listening. If there's anything you can think of that might assist in my progress, please let me know. I'll check in from time to time and cheer others on. Every bit helps, right? :)
10 Responses
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3122869 tn?1342154051
I don't feel confident at all. More like...organized. LOL And incredibly grateful that I have support, both here and at home. I read so many posts by folks who can't take time off of work, or tell their partners, or have little ones they have to care for, or have friendships they have to sever because the friend uses or deals. I've got it easy and I know it.

Right now The Plan has gone pear shaped. I don't currently have any hydrocodone to taper with (because, of course, I ate them all). I got a prescription this morning for percocet 5-325 for a herniated disc in my back. I HATE percs. They make my stomach upset. I literally have to take them with a shot of Pepto just to keep them down and I have zero desire to overuse.

I suppose they're keeping the opiates in my system enough that I'm not feeling any withdrawals, but they're making me not want to have anything to do with pills, any pills. That's a good thing, I guess. Though I'm not unaware that they're just the same devil in a different costume, that I have to be VERY careful and that once I stop feeling like I'm going to barf, I'm just going to want my good old hydros back.

I wonder, does anyone else react like this, where they can tolerate one kind of opiate but not another?
Helpful - 0
2107198 tn?1336136106
Good luck with your taper, I could never manage it.  I too have great support and it makes it much easier, but it's still going to be hard.  You sound very confident, that's great.  Be sure to cut off ALL supply, we as addicts have weak moments and you want to make it impossible to get your hands on the pills.  I have also had a long love affair with the hydro, it too hit my sweet spot like nothing else.  Good luck!  You got this!

Bryan
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am so excited for you!! You have an awesome plan in place to ensure that you get sober and maintain sobriety! I have no doubt that you will succeed! Welcome and I'm looking forward to seeing your progress updates! You will do this! (((hugs)))~bkitty
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Just want to lend my support. You sound like you are well informed and have a great plan. You've done your homework and seem up for the challenge. Stay positive and keep your eye on the prize....Your worth this effort for yourself and your family. I will promise you, once this is said and done, you will love your life pill free. Good luck.....keep posting.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I too was taking about that many daily,,, truthfully my wd week was not that bad, I stayed busy, made myself go places (sweating like a hog) that for me was the worst but here our temps have been well over 110, so that made it worse.. And sleep, that was difficult shutting my mind down to fall asleep, now that's not a problem, and I take nothing for it, but I'm up early, too early.. If the pills were making you not want to eat, cause we want to keep that high going,, well appetite comes back with a vengeance, mine returned on day 5,, I've traded pills for donuts (I'm diabetic,) soo, I've got to stop that.

We are older and wiser now, after living thru this demon named addiction, but rest assured it always has your name, so when it yells and screams, and sometimes when that doesn't  work, it might whisper, with time you'll recognize all the disguisea, and ignore it,,, it will go away.

Your husband sounds like a terrific guy, mine is too! And yes you want to LIVE as long as you can with him, sober.. Go somewhere together for help and support, church is always a great place..Our lives are very short, and we cannot waste another minute... GOD Blrss you both!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Subutex is like suboxone. It really made the withdrawals bearable. For me it really helped to be away from everyone. I never had a prescription either so I told all my connections in advance don't give ne anything!!!!  And believe me they are not budging lol. The worst part for me has been the depression. But the other day I thought back and realized I'm not the same person and though im still trying to get my emotions together it did make ne smile to think hey I'm not just thinking of where my next pill is coming from! You have a hard road ahead of you but it is so worth it!  You have determination and one if the most important things a great support system!
Helpful - 0
3122869 tn?1342154051
Thank you, as well! I discussed rehab with my husband an we're going to give it a go at home first. I think he has a stigma about rehab (I don't), but tonight wasn't the night to get into it.

I've heard mixed reviews of Subutex (is that like Suboxone?). I'm really glad it worked for you and that you've got this nasty monkey off of your back. Like you, I have tired quitting in my own and couldn't. I think I need someone to be accountable to. I think there's something sneaky in there about me not valuing myself, but I'll dig around in that thought another night.

I'm proud of you for quitting and aspire to do the same!
Helpful - 0
3122869 tn?1342154051
Thank you for the well wishes. :) I have a great support system and am incredibly grateful for it.

Another thing I was thinking about is triggers. I've quit smoking before and I believe it'll be much the same with the pills, recognizing when I'm more likely to use and why. For example, I know that I will take more in the morning to get going, and more at night to relax, but fewer during the day because I'm busy.

Part of my problem is trying to keep up with what I perceive to be expectations others have of me, to always be cheerful, always be "on". I know that this is something I've projected on to them and they're actually expectations I have for myself, so I'm not going to let that be an excuse anymore. I'm allowed to have bad days. I'm allowed to feel tired or grumpy. I'm allowed to lean on someone else sometimes. So I'm going to be mindful of that. I hope it helps.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Good for you! Such a great plan and you are right you are so lucky to have a supportive husband! You are taking the first step in admitting you have a problem and it sounds like you have a good plan  of action in place. I could not quit on my own. I tried and tried for months, even being pregnant did not stop me! I always found an excuse and the tapering never worked as I do not have much will power. Not everyone can afford or take time off of with to go to rehab. I was fortunate enough to be able to. I was a nervous wreck going in. Always having a picture in mg head of just laying in misery as I had many times before on my own at home trying to quit. So not true! They helped so much. They gave me stuff to help through the worst and the worst part was the emotional part. Also I had heard many awful things about subutex. People being addicted to it etc... They only kept me on it a few days and the weened me from that so when I left I was clean of everything. Anyways it worked fir me and I would suggest it to anyone who is able to go! Best of luck to you! Stay strong and stay on here it helps to know yoh are not alone!
Helpful - 0
2083449 tn?1381354708
Hi there and welcome! Wow! That's quite a story! I'm so happy your hubby recovered! You have a very well thought out plan! I want to wish you all the success in the world! You can do this! Please post anytime you have a question or need any support! I can't think of a thing to add! All the best!!
Helpful - 0
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