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1697690 tn?1329123638

Horribly addicted to heroin and oxycontin and trying to stop

I tried to detox a few months ago and even posted on here, but failed miserably. Ive been using for four or 5 yrs now, I am 22 and have been wanting to stop for a while but the morning sickness i get from withdrawal has been so horrendous lately that I cant even make it through one day without. Ive never had detoxes like this, i cant even explain the pain. I have been using a lot lately, maybe  400mg of oxycontin and then add in the heroin and it just is killing me. I am so miserable lately. I didnt really notice it til a few weeks ago, but i know i am not hte person i once was. I am so depressed all day, i dont want to do anything, i isolate from all the people who care about me, my thoughts are so impulsive, i am literally self destructing and bringing everything down around me. school, friends, family, money, love, excitement those are all foreign things that i have sacrificed for my "high" . If i am not high i am painfully sick, and i am stuck. and i hate this. i want to change, but dont no if i will ever be able to. I can see things getting so worse lately. I am 22 yrs old and often think that i am going to die soon, if i dont overdose maybe something else will happen but i just feel it lately. i am going down a dark road, 4 yrs ago if youd shown me a picture now of my life i would have laughed and thought you were crazy. i dont know how things became like this but i cant imagine letting this go on for another  5 yrs, and yet i know that it will if i dont die or make a drastic change. the next 4 yrs will go by like these 4 yrs and ill be in a miserable drug haze. its like no matter wat i am miserable but at least when i am high, its manageable, and i cna escape it for a few minutes. And believe me, it didn;t used to be like this, ive never been this kind of person. ive always had an excitement for life, but its gone now. anyways i am sorry to ramble on and on. i will say today is DAY 2, i am in unimaginable pain but i am trying to detox and make a change, because i want so desperately to love life again, and feel, good or bad, but just to feel things, to have relationships with other people, to want to go out and do things, to wake up in the morning and feel rejuvenated and excited for the day not dope sick and deathly, i just want to get some life back in me because i have become vacant and empty and i honestly dnt no how much longer i can go on like this. guess  i thought id post if anyone has been here and can say things can change id love to hear it because my outlook is bleak and i have gone far down this road and it is dark and lonely and i want to change more then anything but it just seems like i will always be condemed to this addiction and all that comes with it.
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Avatar universal
Don’t feel like you’re alone. Everyone who had dealt with an opioid dependency/addiction should know THERE IS HELP! And I promise you, your life and body will be so much healthier. I feel your pain, I have a rare disease that doctors gave me opioids at 13 for 10 years.
This is my first year figuring out that I am no longer in control of myself, my brain has changed to rely on opioids. I tried cutting off what I was using illegally, to better my life. I was scared to talk to family and even my husband because of the shame I felt. I tried to fake it off as the flu, but after a few days the withdraws were unlike any other experience I’ve ever felt.  After 7 excruciating days and puking every second of those days, I sat my husband down and told him I give up. This is it. I need serious help because I can’t feel like this one second longer or I’ll be trying to find something to use. I called around my town, and thankfully a doctor could see me THAT day with promises of helping me. I went in disbelief.. but when I walked in he immediately asked me to sign a contract with him so he could give me medicine right away to help so I could even answer any of his questions.  Rest assured I did and 8 mg of suboxone was put under my tongue. After a few mins some relief was felt. But not 100%. He dosed me until I felt like a 100% normal human. It just all disappeared. I cried and thanked him and have been taking suboxone ever since. The longer your one it, it’ll feel like you’ve never used in your life. You won’t crave. You won’t feel withdrawals. Nothing. Unless you stop the strips. Then you are back to square one. Please, if you are feeling the way o felt which it sounds similar from what I’m reading,  reach out to a doctor! In hosptial settings where you go see docs, there is a number of them that are legally able to prescribe this. It’s just a matter of making that phone call and asking for help or if they know who could help. Do this before it takes you. You have an army with you! We recover!
Helpful - 0
20825230 tn?1524847936
Please reach out for professional help. It only gets worse, I know. You are at the jumping off place. You can't do it alone. If you can't imagine life with it and without it that is the jumping off place. Jump in the right direction
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I hear from a lot of people that although it's not what it's decribed for, the drug lyrica does wonders for w/d symptoms. Also with Anxiety/depression. I take it for seizures and nerve pain but I notice my mood gets better with it as we'll.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Dear HarperOC,
I was clean for 3 years, using 4-7 lortab a a day. I relapsed a year ago when I went into the casino industry as a black jack dealer and started using oxy for pain and a better attitude towards my players.  I got clean on  dec 4 this year and have not used in 24 days. I have not been back to work yet but I go back on the first. I a freaking out about it.  I cry all the time too, still!!! Plus I am 40 years old starting all over again. My family does not know about my addiction because they would disown me.  Thank God I have a great husband but he's hard to talk to and he is getting bitter about me not making any money that we need to live. I am so scared to go to an na/aa meeting in fear that someone might know me and tell my family.  Plus I'm scared to drive because my brain is all over the place and I can't focus.  I hate my job but it's the only thing I can do to make a living.  
I can tell you this, today is better than yesterday.  I get anxious in the morning and late at night. Mostly cause I feel all alone at those times cause my husband is either sleeping or working.  But those anxious times are becoming smaller windows of time everyday.  Still freaking out about going back to work on January 1 but I am going to a dr on the 30th to talk.  I had a bunch of anti- depressant drugs but they all made me sick to my stomach, and nausias so I had to stop taking them.  Wondering if anyone out there had the same feeling on cymbalta, trazadone??? It hurt my stomach so bad to take them.  I still have them but I'm scared to take them....it would be really nice to hear back from some of you out there...I feel all alone in this quest and really need some support
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Dear HarperOC,
I was clean for 3 years, using 4-7 lortab a a day. I relapsed a year ago when I went into the casino industry as a black jack dealer and started using oxy for pain and a better attitude towards my players.  I got clean on  dec 4 this year and have not used in 24 days. I have not been back to work yet but I go back on the first. I a freaking out about it.  I cry all the time too, still!!! Plus I am 40 years old starting all over again. My family does not know about my addiction because they would disown me.  Thank God I have a great husband but he's hard to talk to and he is getting bitter about me not making any money that we need to live. I am so scared to go to an na/aa meeting in fear that someone might know me and tell my family.  Plus I'm scared to drive because my brain is all over the place and I can't focus.  I hate my job but it's the only thing I can do to make a living.  
I can tell you this, today is better than yesterday.  I get anxious in the morning and late at night. Mostly cause I feel all alone at those times cause my husband is either sleeping or working.  But those anxious times are becoming smaller windows of time everyday.  Still freaking out about going back to work on January 1 but I am going to a dr on the 30th to talk.  I had a bunch of anti- depressant drugs but they all made me sick to my stomach, and nausias so I had to stop taking them.  Wondering if anyone out there had the same feeling on cymbalta, trazadone??? It hurt my stomach so bad to take them.  I still have them but I'm scared to take them....it would be really nice to hear back from some of you out there...I feel all alone in this quest and really need some support
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Dear HarperOC,
I was clean for 3 years, using 4-7 lortab a a day. I relapsed a year ago when I went into the casino industry as a black jack dealer and started using oxy for pain and a better attitude towards my players.  I got clean on  dec 4 this year and have not used in 24 days. I have not been back to work yet but I go back on the first. I a freaking out about it.  I cry all the time too, still!!! Plus I am 40 years old starting all over again. My family does not know about my addiction because they would disown me.  Thank God I have a great husband but he's hard to talk to and he is getting bitter about me not making any money that we need to live. I am so scared to go to an na/aa meeting in fear that someone might know me and tell my family.  Plus I'm scared to drive because my brain is all over the place and I can't focus.  I hate my job but it's the only thing I can do to make a living.  
I can tell you this, today is better than yesterday.  I get anxious in the morning and late at night. Mostly cause I feel all alone at those times cause my husband is either sleeping or working.  But those anxious times are becoming smaller windows of time everyday.  Still freaking out about going back to work on January 1 but I am going to a dr on the 30th to talk.  I had a bunch of anti- depressant drugs but they all made me sick to my stomach, and nausias so I had to stop taking them.  Wondering if anyone out there had the same feeling on cymbalta, trazadone??? It hurt my stomach so bad to take them.  I still have them but I'm scared to take them....it would be really nice to hear back from some of you out there...I feel all alone in this quest and really need some support
Helpful - 0
1697690 tn?1329123638
Thank you :))
Helpful - 0
1416133 tn?1351123217
Me too - you are a true inspiration to me harper.
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
I am so very proud of you Harper. Way to go lady and keep up the good work!
Helpful - 0
1697690 tn?1329123638
Thank you everyone for the support. To answer someones question, yes i am in support groups/ AA/ counseling etc. weekly. Each day it is getting easier. Starting to feel normal again, feel good about myself, and hopeful about life. I am excited each morning when I wake up and no longer dope sick and crawling to the dealer, that is a blessing. Something I didint think possible. I am so grateful for my life right now. Of course there are bad days too, and not everything is all perfect, but i've done a lot of work the past 8 months to get here, worked on a lot of emotional and personal stuff and did what everyone told me to do, on here and in my life, and so far it is working. Today is a good day and I am sooo grateful. Thanks everyone for the support and comments.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey Harp

I remember being on here together detoxing. I was newchapter0523 then but I couldn't seem to log in with that screen name so changed it. It will be one year for me in 3 weeks!! I'm so glad you were able to get clean. I know the tough road it is but it is SO MUCH better clean right? I'm trying to come on this site to give back and encourage others to get through. This site was SO helpful for me and I will always be greatful to the people who supported me. Take Care and God Bless!!
Helpful - 0
2116781 tn?1337036879
HarperOc, just wondering how you are making out? I have been thinking about you and praying really hard.you can certainly make it through, no matter how terrible you are feeling right now. Push through, and reclaim your life, you are sooooo worth it.
Helpful - 0
2116781 tn?1337036879
HarperOc, just wondering how you are making out? I have been thinking about you and praying really hard.you can certainly make it through, no matter how terrible you are feeling right now. Push through, and reclaim your life, you are sooooo worth it.
Helpful - 0
1235186 tn?1656987798
hi harper,
it is so wonderful to get an update from you. CONGRATULATIONS!!!
on your clean time. i am so happy for you that you are winning the battle day by day. it will continue to get easier. are you in counseling and/or support groups? keep up the good work. you are doing awesome.
continued blessings
debbie
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi there Harper,

I can't tell you how great it is to read your post -  You've come a long way in the past 7 months, and I'm glad to see you're winning the battle against your addiction.   Congratulations to you girl...you SO deserve it.

Sandy ♦
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
How long before you started sleeping bettter once you stated getting clean. Im on Day 14 myself and am finding inspiration from your story. Also Energy how long before that started getting better. AGAIN you are an inspiration to many of us dealing with the effects of our bad descsions. Continued Success in all you do in life. Well done!!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I, and many of us are right here in the same boat with you. I'm 3 years deeper in, and am proud you were able to recognize the harm you were doing at 22. I still thought I was invincible, on top of the world when I was 22.

Stay strong, do you have any support? Family or friends that are local?
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
It is so good to hear from you and see that you made it to the other side. Keep going forward and keep working on you. The rewards will be worth the struggle. You are in my prayers.
Helpful - 0
1697690 tn?1329123638
Just wanted to check in here. I am 7 months clean and feeling better each day. It is hard and its been a battle and theres been lots to deal with but there have been beautiful moments too. Not waking up dope sick, going back to school/work sober, living each day without the constant feeling of having to meet my dealer get more drugs get high...excercising, being around friends and family without being high or thinking about needing to get more drugs but just being there with them, feeling some peace in my mind and working through all the ****. And i definitely don't miss that dope sickness feeling. Ugh thats the worst. Anyways to anyone out there trying to get sober please dont give up on yourself, I wanted to so many times, and I am not here to preach because I still have a long road and a lot of work ahead of me, but it is worth it, it can be done and everyone deserves a chance to experience it.
Helpful - 0
1697690 tn?1329123638
Thank you!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Awesome! Inspiring! Congrats!
Helpful - 0
1697690 tn?1329123638
thank you so much everyone its so nice to hear all the encouragement and it feels good to finally be able to come back here with good news. yes i will definitely come on more
Helpful - 0
1646706 tn?1322167180
so happy for you! you're quite a bit farther than me, but I'm right behind ya. It's a strange coincidence that I stumbled upon this thread today, I had been thinking about you just the other day :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
glad to see you mad it so many try and dont you had a fight on your hands but you have one and the prize is yours congrats on your clean time drop by more often.........Gnarly
Helpful - 0
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