How can i get back to the way life was???? Cant stop thinking....

[BAThinker]

Last year  i got into smoking marijuana heavily and drinking heavily.  I also tried Extacy multiple times and shroomes before that.  Nothing was bad at all and i was having a great time with everything.  A couple times though i had a bad trid off one pill and i barely had a piece of a mushroom and i had another.  From there on i never tried them again.  But kept on abusing alcohol and marijuana.  The past 4 or 5 months have been horrible since and i have always been in my head.  I feel scared sometimes when i sit down and just think about my past and the world im in now.  I am drug free and will never get into that world again and it is good at my age at 19 but i still feel as though i am living in a different  world then i used to and sometimes the fact of that is mroe then i can bare and i break.  I cant talk to my girlfriend or anybody without blowing up and just being by myself.  I tried to explain it to people sometimes but its more then i  could say and from there i think about how i got into all this from being so happy and life living just a coupleof years ago.  Also during this timeand am STILL going through today is the fact that my mother had changed from the most caring mother in the world to an alcoholic that i cant een see anymore without getting sad.  A lot of things have changed in my life and its sometimes hard to bare and i would love any help that i can get its just too much soemtimes and the help from others would be the est thing i could get.  Thank you

[BAThinker]

thank you, my next appointment is on friday i jus had one yesterday too.  I also am making an apt with a psychiatrist and getting a physical also.  I really am trying to see what is the FULL problem

[Sammich616]

When is your next appointment?

[Sammich616]

Good for you!  You're doing good by taking control of the problem and helping yourself.  

[BAThinker]

i understand that.  I just question EVERYTHING I AM and wish it were the days when i didnt.  Im getting checked out and seeing what my real problems are so i can stop thinking so much into the things that dont apply.

[Sammich616]

Hi BA,
    I understand your frustration with the repetitive thoughts.  You can have thoughts beyond yor control and still know who you are.  You can think about homosexuality without actually being gay or even acting on it.  Even though it does not appeal to you, please don't reject or belittle anyone who is gay.  There is nothing wrong with thinking.  It is your actions that define who you are.  
  If you know yourself, then the thoughts become more of a nuisance rather than something which threatens your entire reality.  Just be sure of who you are and what you want out of life.

[BAThinker]

I understand that but the thought of being with another man is just sick to me.  I will be a little personal just to get the point across but if i masturbate its only to woman i cant do men even when i look its just sick to me.  The fact is though the thought doesnt leave maybe because i am so scared of it true and it keeps coming abck just to scare me i dont know.... but  made another therapy apt as weell as another on FRI cuz things need to be resolved this is out of controll for me now

[LeftCoastChick]

Bat if you are suicidal - you need to go to your local ER, I know the kind of pain you are going through, and it feels never ending, but it does stop. But you need to get help now!
It's pretty normal at one point while you are growing up, which you really are still doing, to think about the same sex, perfectly normal, we don't really form our full sexual identity until we are in our twenties, mostly. . There's also nothing wrong with being gay either. What ever you chose, the most important thing is not to lie to yourself.

Here's a list of hotlines and crisis centers as well you can call or find out about, but you need to get help.

http://www.befrienders.org/helplines/helplines.asp?c2=USA#state-CALIFORNIA%20(n)

[BAThinker]

Im back ive had my second apt with my therapist and things i THOUGHT were ok.  My thoughts ab out being gay grew and grew and even thogh i could never be with a man and wouuld never ever have any sexua interactions with one i  cant stop thinking it.  I was sitting in class today and thinking  ahotu that whitch lead to me and drugs witch led to thinking about being gay again and then my girlfriend.  It was a horrible circle of thoughts and i was thinking i was going crazy.  Then suicide came into my head.  At once i thought and i kind of knnow i would never do that.  But the thought of that became a bteer reality.  Something to take away everything.  I dont know what to do.  Im spiralling down and things are getting worse and worse and worse.  Help.  Please.

[Sammich616]

Hi BAThinker,
  I can tell you from experience, you can't always control what you think or what pops into your head.  It's how you react to it and whether you choose to keep thinking it or try to focus on something else.  I have had horrible thoughts pop into my head, however I never act upon them, and I usually stuff them into the mental file cabinet.  Sometimes to be remembered, and other times to stay in there.  If it's the OCD making you think things over and over, maybe you can try to focus that mental energy on something positive, such as going to the doctor appointment and how you will work with your doctor.  Maybe there's something else that you can think about doing, such as helping your mom out by cleaning her kitchen for her.  Try to harness that mental energy and use it for good.

[BAThinker]

you see it is though, it started a long time ago with the drinking and drugs, but its not that.  I dont drink or smoke everything now is in my head.  I dont feel the urge to go smoke or anything all it is now is i cant stand the THOUGHTS in my head.  It has nothing to do with drinking or anything i just want to get rid of some the negatvity in my head that wasnt there before.   I dont know if it is my ocd or what but it kills me everyday and im looking forward for great help as time goes on.

[LeftCoastChick]

I think the best place maybe for you to go to the Addictions forum, you will probably get more specific support over there. This forum isn't the best one for you.
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/show/158

[birdie0907]

If you were drinking and drugging, I don't know that you can isolate the feeling of, "but i wasn't liking the way it was making me feel or be" to the meds. You said in the beginning post that you had taken too many substances.
I still think AA is the best place to dry out and stay dry, and don't think you can get that kind of valuable support for drinking on this site. Otherwise, I couldn't agree more with Sammich.

[Sammich616]

I am glad you are going to a doctor soon.  I want to mention that if your doctor gives you medication and you find out it makes you feel unpleasant, talk to your doctor about it.  There are often other meds you can try.  Different meds work better for different people.  Don't give up on the first try. :)
  Also I am glad you are trying to get help for your mother.  She has to want to get help for it to work though.  I recommend you try to help yourself first, and also look out for your sister and let her know she can talk to you.

[BAThinker]

The thing is, i want to be able to just talk about EVERYTHING, and not so much medication unless it is REALLY needed and will help me.  I was taking some medication not too long ago but i wasnt likeng the way it was making me feel or be, so i stopped.  I have my appointment on friday and i hope things go well from there.  If he thinks i rally should be on medication he will tell me the best type after FULLY listening to my stories and feelings.  The thing with my mother though, is we try and tell her, we are the biggest thing in her world but she continues to do it even though she knows how it makes me and my sister feel.  It is a problem but she refuses to go to any doctors.  Maybe like you said i can just bring her to a doctor with me and she will go.  We will see but i want to concentrate on em and bettering myself.  Even though sometimes, well pretty much EVERY SINGLE DAY is a mission for me and just ***** at one point of the day i think i can get better and thats all i want first.
Thank You for your support.

[Sammich616]

Hi BA,
  I am not a doctor, but I'd like to clarify a common misconception and go from their.  Alcohol is not a depressant in the emotional sense.  It is a depressant in the Central Nervous System sense.  Essentially, It slows down your nervous system which includes your brain and thoughts and balance and logic and inhibitions.  That is why many people drink it to alleviate their problems.  When they drink, their thoughts slow down and they can sometimes forget their problems for a short while. It doesn't make them go away.  People don't always know how to deal with or fix their problems so they turn to drugs and alcohol to forget their problems.  Wake up, remember, and drink some more.  It's a form of self medication.  It just doesn't work.  It doesn't make problems go away.  It doesn't fix anything.  
  I am not saying alcohol and marijuana are necessarily bad.  They are just not magic potions to feel better.  
  If you have OCD and are not taking the RIGHT medications, then the overwhelming repetitive thoughts are probably part of the situation.  Getting on the right medication will help.    
  Once the obsessive thinking is under control, you can focus on your own problems and how to make your own life better. Get some support for yourself.  Talk to your girlfriend.  Listen to her. Talk to a doctor or join a support group.  It doesn't have to be AA.  This right here is even somewhat of a support group.  Read about how other people  are dealing with their own problems and offer them your support. It helps to be able to talk to someone who has been there, and also other people who are there.    
    Having a loved one with any problem is difficult.  Once you can look yourself in the eye, work on helping others including your mom.  Sympathize with her.  Let her know you understand how she feels.  Take her to the doctor.  Have an intervention if needed.  Share with her how you helped yourself and maybe with your help, she will feel she can also face her troubles.
  I wish you the best of luck.

[birdie0907]

It is best if you write down your ideas and feelings now, if you are like me and forget half of them in the office.
Are you going to any AA meetings so you can address the alcohol problem, which is a depressant?

[BAThinker]

yes i actually just did today my appointment is on friday im looking forward to this....it will be good for me

[birdie0907]

Did you get an appointment with a doctor?

[BAThinker]

I really appreciate the help.  I called some doctors today and hoping i get help as soon as possible.  Things are getting worse and worse and sometimes i really think im going crazy........its just too much now and things are just going down and down for me i cant take it anymore i just have no clue what do with myself

[upsetwoman]

I was young too like you and didn't get the right help.  When you do get help, if it doesn't feel right, change immediately.  They are only people and people are not all good.  If your Mother isn't there to help, you need to really concentrate on getting the right help.  Just remember, "if it doesn't feel right, it isnt right."  STay in touch with us.

[birdie0907]

Write back, at least after you clean up. You are very young and have much life to live, so there is no reason to live it unhappily, if a successful treatment is available. You are a big part of the cure, so try hard.

[BAThinker]

i appreciate that yes just stopping everything will help  i know and the next step for me is to go seek help.  Thank yo so much for the help and i greatly appreciate it.  Good luck to you

[birdie0907]

If you have clinical depression too then that is another matter, however you need to see a doctor, or better yet a psychiatrist to identify with your help what is a good route to take to try to resolve the problems.
It will be a lot easier if you are clean though, because the you today will be different than a when clean you. Women who live with an alcoholic for years hoping for a dryout are sometimes unhapopy with the resulting person that emerges after the dryout.

[BAThinker]

that is a good idea, ive matured though in that sence over the oast year about everything in that case.  I knew alcohol was a depressent but not so serious.  I will stop everything and see how i feel.  Already i wont lie though i feel much better and happier but at the same time i randomly get into these mood swings and my depression hits hard.  Sometimes it just seems like every single thought in my head is a negative one.  Ill even make images of myself that i think are true but arent.  In a way make myself to be a low worthless person when people tell me otherwise.  Again its like im lviing in my own little world, and knowone will understand.  Like im stuck in this place for the rest of my life and idont know what to do.  I really would like to join therapy though and just get everything out because maybe talking is a good way for me.