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Avatar universal

How did I get here

Im a statistic, that's how. Middle class, wife an mother of two. According to the "statistics" I'm a perfect fit. Genetic make up, mother was/is a pill addict and my father a recovering alcoholic. I've spent my ENTIRE life fleeing from that lifestyle when now all I think of, is when I get to take my next set of pills! It started as you all know. Having migraines with the pregnacy of second child, no meds could be given except Lortab. It started as a half, then another half to help me sleep, then half in the morning and half at night, next thing I know I'm up to two in the morning, two at noon, two at night. Granted, I'm not nearly up to as many as some but I assume it will get there if I'm not careful. I've fought so hard my whole life not wanting to end up like my mother. Even years ago after surgeries and pain meds I was given, never took for the fear of my "genetic makeup" I didn't want to end up like her, out of control. Here I am. I am disgusted with myself. No one knows of my secret, not even my husband. I catch myself sneaking into my purse so he doesn't hear or see me getting "the meds" I am so emabarrassed when I pick up my meds from pharmacy wondering what the techs or pharmacist are thinking of me when I picked up my Rx 3 days before. The weeks were getting shorter, the days closer together every Rx pick up. Thanks to my neurologist that seems to give me an endless supply! Everyday I think I'm going to stop, I'm going to quit, get my life back but it's always there, calling me. Making all the excuses, I'll stop next week, I'll do it this weekend and be done, I'll get through this rough patch in life, I'll stop after enhancing this fun experience. You know, you've done it. I want to stop Im just afraid I'm not ready. That right there makes me disgusted with myself. I still don't and can't consider myself "an addict" but I am. I know it. I'm here 4 support. As I've seen since my mg of hydrocodone isn't that high I'm hoping withdrawals won't be "that" bad. I ran out once and was forced into quitting and it should have ended there but nope, got a refill 4 days later. 4days!!! The worst of it and I started again, of course with the mind set, I won't take as many his time, just here and there...well right back where I was. I'm taking 7.5/500 6 sometimes 7 or 8 a day, taking that amount for about 3 months but been taking them all together for about a year now. Any ideas the magnitude of what's about to happen?? I took half last night before bed and my last other half this morning. Last night was pretty miserable with the restlessness, I had to get up early just to make it stop. I took my last half and I suppose it's helped a little. My biggest withdrawal I think is having that RLS and te back of my knees aching?? Upset stomach and cramps. I have two children to take care of and not time to be down. Gotta be an easier way. Ugh. I can't believe ive allowed this to happen. Thanks for allowing me to vent.  
12 Responses
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Avatar universal
Welcome to our forum. We've all been there. We understand. As I read your posts I noticed key phrases that stuck out.
And I'm confused about your amounts. How much are you really taking??
The amount of your pills a day don't matter. I stayed on five tabs a day for years. Years. And I was addicted.

The definition of addiction is....when a habbit takes over. Or a activity you like to do becomes an obsession.

I completely understand  where your at in your mind. I was there too.

I had a eight year habbit.
Helpful - 0
2120911 tn?1350922661
Welcome ..you're in a very good place (may not seem like it)   you are on the threshold of recovery,,,I took  7-8  VIC ES's daily for the last part of my using as well.....

I wish there was an easy way..but then I would have missed the lesson....may sound corny but I knew detoxing would sux but it's the price to pay once the party is over,,,,

The good news is theres a new life is jsut around the corner. 3-7 days on the detox usually...your symtoms will vary..the bottom of my feet hurt (weird)..
Headaches, low low energy and possible stomach issues..are a few classic symptoms

I wont last forever.....

If I knew how nice life would be off that crap I would have taken a month of detox.. (no kidding)......

There is life after opiates... (I promise) ........... a lot of people on here are living proof,....

take your life back sista

Free~
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Aww. Free you make me smile. Because your soo right. I'm always in a great mood. Instead of dragging myself out of bed. I bounce out of bed like a five year old. I smile all the time. I don't make mountains out or mole holes. I agree with you. L
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm taking 6-8 pills of 7.5mg. I'm actually out and what better day to start. I took half of a 7.5 before bed and another half of 7.5. Last of them, that's it.
Helpful - 0
2120911 tn?1350922661
Sounds exactly like my mini taper.,,,,I did 4-3-2-1 none...
stick around,,,we're here for ya,,,,,
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Avatar universal
This is the perfect time for you to stop. Make today matter. Make today the day you reclaim your life.
Helpful - 0
193905 tn?1325397189
What a powerfull post, THANK YOU and congrats on your 1st step of recovery.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
     I am also a middle class wife and mother of one son. Reading your post was like looking in the mirror. I now understand completely I am an addict. I also only took 4 tabs or so a day but I did it for years. For a long time I felt like super mom, super wife, however they turned on me bad. I also wondered what the pharmacist thought of me, my scripts also kept getting earlier and earlier, I was CONSTANTLY thinking of my next pill, never going to ANY function without my pills, also my mother was an addict, I know she suffered in complete isolation, so I too knew about my genetic make-up.

   What I can tell you is you are on your way to a much better life. Please don't let the 3 or 4 days to get off the pills scare you. I promise you can do this and the life you will give yourself will be a freedom you can't believe. No more guilt, no more pharmacy trips, no more counting and when you look in the mirror you will start to really shine, I know when I looked in the mirror I hated my eyes on Lortab. You can do this, if I can do it, so can you!!!!!! Please stay on the forum and we will help you, I promise you can have a much fuller life than you thought possible OFF pills. You are on your way!!!!!
Helpful - 0
2212276 tn?1370037991
Wow, I can so relate to you "Here4Support."  So much it's scary!  But you are in the right place and are making the first steps to quitting and a new life ahead.  It might be a somewhat painful and long few days but it will be worth it and you can do it!!!!  You are not alone in this mess.  There are so many other women, men, adults, teens, professionals, students, parents, doctors, lawyers and stay-at-home mom's that are on this same long bumpy journey and none of us are losers.  Just addicted and scared.  Stay strong and keep coming here for support.  Don't be too hard on yourself.
Helpful - 0
1970885 tn?1435860428
Welcome...You have a couple of things going for you. First, good or bad, you know what addiction looks like and the toll it can take. Second, you've recognized that you have a problem with pills - are you an addict or just an abuser? No matter. You've decided that you want to stop and that's the most important thing at the moment.
From my 15 years of failure I've learned three things that recovery is built on - cut all sources to meds. If you can get a refill then I guarantee that your head will start whispering to you about "just one one hurt". Tell your doc, dentist, pharmacy that you want to be red flagged as an abuser. Next, let friends and loved ones know that you are an abuser (I'm avoiding addict - it's your choice how to present the issue). If you keep the secret it will allow you to hide behind it and thus relapse is just down the road. And finally, get after care.
If you leave one of the steps out, then you may be setting yourself up to fail.
I'll be 7 months clean tomorrow, and I promise you, there is life without pills. It really does get much, much better. You have to work at it.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Kyle, you took the words right out of my head!  CANCEL THE REFILL!!!
You have to. If not, you'll fill it, pick it up, and swallow a few before you're out of the parking lot!

I agree, nothing works until you call your doctor, share with your family or husband, cancel at the pharmacy, and move on. Concentrate your thoughts on NOT being addicted. Also, start checking into some aftercare programs. If you need suggestions just ask!
Helpful - 0
3060903 tn?1398565123
WE:LCOME Here4support. When Bill W. started the 12 step program it was with the wish that others could hit their bottom earlier than those that came before them. Something like that anyway. Congratulations are the order of the day for anyone trying to get clear of substance abuse. And you are in the right place. I learned in quite a few treatment centers that OVER investing in the amount of drug or the Type of drug taken was one way of (needlessly) romancing the stone, and so you see, Congratulations to you is the point, and has nothing to do with your drug of choice or amount that brought you in to see the light.  Finding your bottom before so completely devastating yourself and your family, is the reason that the first book, the Big Book was written. Best wishes on your recovery journey. I guess my suggestion would be to take the time while you're posting to reach out with a personal message or two. Make some friends to help you personally through the worst of your journey. I'm sure that you won't be disappointed.  Keep smiling. Best wishes. Liz
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