Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

How do you actually WANT to get/stay clean?

Hi, I'm new here and basically just really frustrated with my current state of being right now and looking for answers I guess, or at least people who can relate and may have advice.

To give a bit of background, I am a recovering heroin and oxycontin addict and if I'm striving to be completely honest I  am a functioning alcoholic. I have been clean and sober this time around since the end of October and the only reason I am still clean and sober is because I am 33 weeks pregnant. Before getting clean this last time I had been using Oxy and on a few occasions Heroin for almost a year after having been clean for two years. Which that two year stretch of sobriety had followed a 3 year period in which I was severely strung out. I had been clean six months prior to that and yadda yadda you get the picture.

I dont know why I am having such a difficult time with things but for the past couple weeks things have been very challenging. I have yet to slip up because as I stated I am pregnant and being that I already was using for a month before I found out I was pregnant and I have a hard time dealing with knowing that, I would hate myself for knowingly using when I wouldn't be the only one being negatively effected.

I am terrified for what might happen after the baby is born though.

I have spent my life getting clean for the sake of other people and have never kicked because I wanted to. I have never wanted any part of recovery and I need to know how to figure out how to want to be clean. It makes me feel like a terrible mother for saying that even though I'm about to have a child I STILL dont actually want to stay clean / sober.

I caught myself bargaining or trying to work something out in my head so that once the baby comes it wouldn't be so bad if I just used once a week on the weekend or something but I know thats not really possible.

It just frustrates the hell out of me and makes me feel like **** that I can't figure this out and that no matter how hard I try I just cant get it together completely.

It frustrates me that I want to feel numb again and that I want to just sit in a closet some where and shoot the day away and not give a ****.

Giving  a **** is exhausting me and I feel frustrated that I can't deal
4 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
401095 tn?1351391770
May be a hole you are trying to fill by using drugs...for me i think it was...hopefully the new life you are responsible for will fill the hole...i dont know...when u find out what makes us want to use   let me know....it is frustrating...i became unhappy using...and depressed...so it was a no brainer for me to quit...alot of work but i was so tired of being tired....now i am so tired of being tired again!  LOL...not funny but i hope u find your answer....aftercare is a great avenue to take to help us see clearly...i have heard some stories that would curl my toenails in NA....good re-inforcement
Helpful - 0
474119 tn?1273841478
I too was a heroin addict, i was addicted to that c**p for 8yrs. I really enjoyed sleeping my life away..........until i hit rock bottom!!! When i finally did reach that black hole i knew i had to sort out why i was doing it in the first place. I knew why, but didnt admit it to myself for a very long time. Maybe you have to figure out why you want to hide in a closet all day long.......its not a nice place to be (nihilistic world of modern h**l But you really have to want this.....maybe thats why your posting now..................because you do want it for yourself and your baby!!! I wish you all the stregth in the world to fight this demon. Kepp us informed! Take care
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Welcome Find some aftercare is what I hear is the answer. That is my plan after these wds are over. Mike
Helpful - 0
410745 tn?1203613013
Hello and welcome.

One thing may be is that you have to figure out, is what are you hiding from. What is it in your life, in your world that you have to numb out. When you are sober do you simply hate life and the day to day monotomy of everyday living or do you have some hidden demon or sceleton that you are running from. Either case once you have figured that out try to fix THAT particular issue first and then move on from there.
Most functioning addicts can't seem to figure out why we have to quit. (Me Included) becuz we are not seeing any immidiate effects to our drug us. But the point is that in the long run or even just all of a sudden it will catch up to us and bite us in the @ss hard. Every pleasure in this world has a price. Some higher than others.

Good Luck and let me know how things are going.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community

Top Addiction Answerers
495284 tn?1333894042
City of Dominatrix, MN
Avatar universal
phoenix, AZ
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.