How long

[qwerty9090]

Hey everyone. im not sure if anyone will even care to read my post but im new to coming clean about my addiction to narcotic pain killers. Im find it easier, even with a great support team to find comfort in reading posts from other addicts and researching about everything associated with withdrawal and addiction.

For the past 3 years my love for opiates have grown extremely high. At a point in time I was taking up five 30mgs a day, My dosage really determined what I could get my hands on. A bit more recently I was taking a 80 OC and probably another half a day. Ever since Ive gotten with my now fiance a year ago (who is clean and supportive and patient about quitting) ive been battling with quitting.

In all of 3 years the longest i went was 4 days and everyday i was on the hunt for more, endless crying, and lashing out. Withdrawals are the hardest Ive ever had to face thus far and that really says alot. Of course i eventually found more.

But starting ten days ago ive opened up to more people about my addiction and decided im ready to make that change for myself, my future kids, my health (im now wear glasses after a life of 20/20 vision), my fiance (he shouldnt have to deal with this) and my wallet!

So today i have one 10mg left and im scared to take it because ive went all day without it (pupils started dialating, anxiety, tiredness from lack of sleep) I got some Loperamide tablets after spending all day researching and taken 8 thus far. I guess im okay, not as anxious. Does any have tips, aids, kind words, etc to give? Im open.

[delightdee]

I'm here with you battling the same....thinking I need one of the two pills I have left.  I haven't slept, my tummy is rumbling, work was hard, I didn't sleep, but here we are one day, one hour, one minute further than we were before.  Hang in there.  

[spider6]

Hey chicky...just jumping on with some support for "the cause"..... You're doing so great, I hope you're still here.....prayers out girl.....you can do this!

[qwerty9090]

absolutely right BD! so many people, so many different encouraging words. Day 3 is apporaching, and its going to be a miracle if i can make it through the night. im losing my "good attitude" and im tired. i just wanna feel normal, stop worrying, stop stressing, so much energy i dont have all focusing on this one HUGE time in my life. I spent most of the day out of house with one of my best girlfriends, where we went to brunch, little shopping, then movies. I went to the gym by myself where I did 4 miles on the treadmill and 20 mintues in the sauna, came home and washed clothes, cleaned, re arrange things, all the while i couldnt help but long for that feel taking something would. That sounds bad, but its honest. i wanna scream and run away but what good will that do? :(

[qwerty9090]

it feels like im clawing now!! i just admitted outloud to my fiance that i want to take something and its killing me not to. but of course he reminds me we dont want to go through this, but im the one who has to feel like this and with all these jacked up feelings im reminded every damn second how i really hate feeling like this!!

just keep clawing, just keep clawing, clawing, clawing :/

[qwerty9090]

Hi patty! You are very sweet! And yes, we are in the same boat. Day 2 was really rough at 1st. But I stayed busy and out of the house until now. I feel tired and I like I should be able to get good sleep (took some melatonin an hour ago) but we all know with these withdrawals staying sleep is not really an option. My fiance bought me a mini water fall with rocks and everything in hopes it soothes me a bit.

I'm glad you made yourself available. I don't have a tub either just the stand up glass door shower so when I'm waking up I'm laying there trying to think of ways to get myself back to sleep.

I really don't feel like dealing with this to say the least. Its a constant battle and I just wanna take something. But we both have come further than where we were.

[Bigdaddy1313]

Qwerty, I just went back and read your posts from where I jumped off last night. I go back to your first post yesterday with you saying "I don't know if anyone will even care to respond." (:
Now some 40 responses later  you can see there are many people who love you even though they don't know you. You are part of a brotherhood and sisterhood of people fighting this Yucking disease together. We can do it ourselves but its much better together! I love the fact that in the beginning your asking for advice and just a little while later you are advising others who are just hours behind you. This is how this works. You get help and then you Play It Forward and you help others. I've been clean and sober for 16 months and I owe it to you and others to help. By helping others even in a small way is really helping myself stay clean. One of my most important prescriptions to myself is to talk with another addict every day. I hope you are doing good and I look forward to hearing from you.

[Bones216]

Day two, yes! Very proud of you qwerty, I know last night was tough. Keep pushing, fighting, clawing to stay clean, and read your original post over and over, there is a reason you came to this site, and that is it! Get rid of that damn pill, it will keep haunting you. You need 100% commitment, and that evil demon seed is nothing but a distraction. Remember- I am looking forward to OUR success.
Hugs Bones

[VICourageous]

Hi..Good for You on wanting your Life back..You got some great advise from our MH Family above. I want you to know that it just takes TIME & PATIENCE..YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!
Try to educate your self all you can about this Addiction in a more Scientific way..You will find it very interesting and know that it is not your fault. This is a disease and that part of the brain the Mid-brain (survival) Is the pleasure part and it will always remember the pleasure it got from just LOOKING at that ONE pill. This info will not Cure you but it will give you some more insite on what goes on up stairs in our Brains.
Try to get to some Meetings too..You will learn so much in them meetings..It does not matter if it is AA or NA..There will be a Angle there that will take you under their wing. I wish you the best and stick close to the site if you have any cravings or other issues. These Angles out here will hold your hand all the way..Just know it does take Time for the Brain/Body to balance out. KEEP PUSHING!!!!
Bless

[qpatty]

Hi I'm Patty and I am in the toughest part of this s@@@! Don't take that pill! I almost gave up last night, I had no will to keep going. I just thought I couldn't take it anymore but I told myself to hold out till the morning and then if I still felt I couldn't take it anymore I would cave in. And guess what, this morning I still felt the same way and was about to take a pill. I have no idea why but I decided to get on here first and it saved me. I did not take that damn pill and have to start over. I am just starting day 4 and to say its rough is an understatement. I haven't slept at all yet, I still can't even sit still for more than two minutes, no matter how tired I am. And unfortunately I thought the worst was suppose to be over in 3 days, didn't realize it could last a week. But now I am telling myself: well you have four days to go instead of seven. You can do this. And if you slip, just start over-to err is human, to forgive yourself divine. My best advice is to come to this sight whenever you need help with determination. I am on here a lot, especially in the middle of the night-when I'm not sitting on the floor of my shower with the hot water running on me as that is the only time I can be still and I have no bathtub.

[Merri123]

Yes it does get easier but the 1st 1-2 weeks are just yuck. What you are experiencing now. Hard to sleep, mind raising, stomach, runs, headache, sneezing and yawning, anxiety and depressed thought. No energy no motivation. I know it seems like time goes sllooowwwww. But you will get through it and then you have to deal with cravings and after are. Keeping this up.

Day 2!!!  So awesome. Keep going. You are doing great.

[qwerty9090]

It feels good to know someone is at the same mark i am and can relate while being there with me. thank you :)

I am on day 2 as well and its not so much about the cravings but the jitters and i know if i took something it will subside, but starting over will hurt much worse. i cant do that. i dont want to start over again. thats what i keep thinking about to keep pushing myself through.

PLEASE post your story like i did. i would love to read. and go to your car and scream your head off, punch the steering wheel if need be, but its really not worth taking a pill.

[qwerty9090]

thanks bones! i made it man. i made it through the night and the sun never looked so promising. but it still is a struggle. a battle within one self.

[qwerty9090]

does it get easier? lol. last night was tough. i woke up and my eyes are just sore from crying alot yesterday and lack of sleep (waking every 2 hours despite melatonin). I can relate to opening up alot more since starting this. it does something to us you know. I am trying to think just hours and even those seem so very long. i keep questioning myself am i really ready, but then i think about taking something, restarting detox from that smallest of square and i just dont want the extra hassle. that is whats been heavy on my mind.

I know going through heroin withdrawals have to be horrid, so i should be able to do this if i keep pushing. im waiting for my new job to start once the state finishes approving my paperwork so i have this time to heal and focus on myself. i couldnt keep putting it off. thank you :)

[dezilove88]

Wow.. Reading these have really opened my eyes. I am with you in this most definitely. I am on day 2 and I feel like banging my head on the wall…  or just screaming at the top of my lungs. I plan on posting my actual story here in a bit as well…  maybe we could help each other?

[mamaof4410]

Hope you're feeling better today. Change is the biggest hurdle. I have literally tried to expunge anything out of my life that reminds me of using. I wont watch certain tv shows or movies, I wont go to certain places, I stay away from people, my husband and I even sold our family SUV because it had so many bad memories. We got another to start fresh. It does get easier. Dont focus on the negative. It will get you nowhere but using again. You will have so much more joy (and money lol) when you're sober. One day at a time. The first 30 days are a true test of willpower. I detoxed from heroin at my grandmas house. I stayed locked in her back bedroom and laid in bed for 7 days. It was like the worse case of the flu times 100. It got easier everyday. I started going to church and opening my heart. My husband is supportive and he tries to understand and help me. I communicate with him a lot more now. We have five little ones so that was an even bigger reason to get and stay clean.
You have to have some kind of plan for aftercare to help with staying sober. Its crucial. We have all tried and failed many times to do it on our own. Rome wasn't built in a day and you're not going to be fixed over night. It takes time. I go to group counseling and one of the counselors has been clean for 17 years and he still goes to NA because he knows if he doesnt have that guidance he could relapse.
It does get easier one day at a time. Dont think days or months or years. Get thru today. Don't worry about things you cant control or change. Let it go. You have an awesome fiance and you have a life planned together. Dont give yourself the short end of the stick and deprive yourself of a long happy life. Yes were addicts and we messed up. But were human and when you get to the root of what your pain is emotionally its all sunshine from there. I wish you the very best and Im praying for you and your recovery. One day at a time and it DOES GET EASIER...I promise it does:)

[Bones216]

You can do it kid, stay strong, and I will check with you tomorrow for day 2.
Best wishes, and I will pray for you tonight.
Goodnight

[qwerty9090]

i got real butters in my stomach when you said OUR success, not just the jitters i am feeling lol :) life seems alot easier with just taking a pill to enjoy yourself,  but i noticed being sedated my laugh isnt has genuine and hearty, my face doesnt glow, my hazel eyes look a dull regular brown.  

i like to beileve the lope is making the withdrawals i little bit more bearable because i havent shut completely down like i would have routinely done. i really am tired though and just want to sleep ( im typing this with one hand) but i cant relax then again i cant muster enough energy to go make that tea or take that shower to use my stress relief lotion.  

[qwerty9090]

oh by all means i did not take it offensive in the least bit. I totally understand the analogy, and it makes perfect sense. im still going strong. Took my daily black seed oil, pre natal vitamin (IM NOT PREGNANT AND I DO NOT HAVE KIDS YET ^_^) and keratin/biotin vitamin. Im eat failry healthy. Not big on processed, or fast food. LOVE kale. NO soda. Drinking juice now because it also helps with the funny feeling in the thoart (can anyone else relate?) But these dang demon opiates are my downfall. Ive been through alot with two addict parents most of my life (mom is clean and im open with her about everything, havent talked to dad in 6 years idk where he is and not that bothered) so i know im stronge. But i have also recognized that a battle with yourself is the hardest.

You are very kind BD1313!! I appreciate it. It does make it a tad bit bearable to have a partner who you can be open with and to hold your hand, or when your having a crying fit just to hold you. God, im so thankful. I never thought about quitting before him. He really has opened my eyes in many ways.

[qwerty9090]

def day 2! thanks for setting that in place for me ^_^ i literally just took a deeeeep breath and still feeling these jitters has me shaking my head. i cant wait to see the light at the end of the tunnel you know?

[Bones216]

You are not alone. I used to have to take a pill every morning, I would take them for every stupid occasion, kids plays, the movies- of course the seats were TOO uncomfortable, before church, my goodness that one hurts to even type. The mind plays horrible tricks that tells you everything is better with a pill, Im so familiar with that BS lie. Im glad to hear about your healthy eating, and staying hydrated GOOD! I just started a Plant Based diet this week and look forward to how the body and mind respond with better nutition. I wont sugar coat it, the first week, especially day 4 will be a BIACHHH, but try to occupy your mind. We were so good a clock watching for our next pill, that it is hard to stop. Throw Bridesmaids in the Blueray, and just try to laugh for a bit, laughter is so therapeutic.
My own story is just stupid, clean for a year and just caved and got more from my DOC, a year later here I am. I never got up too where you were, but close enough.
You can make it my friend, I look forward to our success.

[qwerty9090]

youre awesome, okay! i know everyone keeps saying flush it or give it to my fiance to dispose of it, but im scared to even look at it right now for fear of just one swift pop down the hatch since the jitters are coming back.

I feel this step of going all day without the crutch and reaching out and opening up was my big step for the day. But thank you very much.

I dont really have a steady dealer, its more so different networking skills with people through other people. "The dealers" dont even know im addicted is one of the crazy parts! lol smh. simply because i buy from different people all the time, all during the month, and some only when its desparate measures.

what gets me about dealers or just people who have the pills are they make it a hassle to even get it from them at times! lol. thats another part which makes looking for more aggravating and wanting me to be done with the headache.

and your husband is abso right! better the animals than his lovely wife. good technique btw...why did he do it one by one?

[qwerty9090]

Thanks bones! ive have painted a picture of this gentle but strong bear in my mind of you. Im never really on my laptop as much, but today, WHEW TODAY!! lol. it has been a wonderful experience to just have the chats i have been having so i totally see where you are coming from. My demeanor is tough and upbeat, loving, but without pills it forces me to be open, and i know that is what i ultimately NEED. i shut down, i turn people away, i dont wake up happy and okay until i have a pill, and even then im still just going through the motions of living.

I cant take not living anymore. I want to live. DANGIT i need to live.

[Bones216]

short walk if you can, hot bath, sleepy time tea.

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome aboard girl~  Just read your whole thread.....you have been given some grand counsel......and you have a REALLY GOOD attitude.
That will help you A LOT.  Being open about your addiction and talking to others will help you a lot.  So will eliminating our sources and considering some type of aftercare.

I remember when I quit.....I was scared to quit....and scared NOT to quit.  I had a half a bottle of pills left the day I became determined that the time was NOW to quit.  My hubby got rid of the entire bottle for me by throwing one at a time out the window down our country road......better for the skunks and rabbits to be high than his wife...hahaha

Just like your positive attitude and being open about your addiction will help you....so will eliminating that pill and cutting off ALL your sources.  See, our head knows if we have a "connect" open or not.  I told my doctor and my dealer......and I had the full support of my husband and family.
I figured I didn't need a safety net or a back up plan if I was TRULY done.

You CAN DO THIS.....if you want more to read or a good video to watch about addiction, let me know.  I'm a research freak....hahaha......the better I understand addiction, the better I understand myself.

Let us know how we can help.....and go flush that pill or give it to your fiancé to dispose of......it will SO LIBERATE you.....is REALLY WILL.

Well be here for ya....keep posting ok?