How to get the courage to quit?

Question

I get so frustrated.  I know I am addicted, I know it is ruining my life.  Yet I continue to make up excuses and avoid making the decision to save my life.  Why??  It is not rocket science - drugs bad - clean life good!!
My life is miserable because of it, I can't imagine if this is not the bottom what would be.  Does everyone get a lightening bolt moment when they know they have to quit?  Where to you get the energy, the drive, the motivation?
In my head, when I put it on paper - I know I am going to end up in jail, in the hospital and losing everything I have - but I don't feel it.  I don't feel the fear or the seriousness of this.  What do I have to do the get it through my thick head, get the motivation I need to get my life back?

jlphillips24 · Answer

I am 33, female, have 3 children. My youngest son is 3 and was born with severe cerebral palsy. I have fibromyalgia and suffer from severe joint pain that seems to get worse with stress, and the stress has significantly multiplied since the birth of my son. I guess the real trouble started after his birth, I was given percocet due to the c-section, and because my son was in the nicu I think the doctors sympathized with me and passed it out like candy. Like many of you say it was all down hill from there. It did help a great deal with the increasing pain from the fibromyalgia but more importantly it seemed to help with the emotional trauma that I was suffering from due to my sons illness which flipped my whole life upside down. I was a deputy sheriff for 8 years but could not return to work due to the health needs of my son. I just seemed to start sinking further and further into the addiction. I have never admitted my problems with this drug to anyone. My husband knows all to well about my addiction but he doesn't give me a hard time about it, although I wish he would at times. He has been known to throw it in my face during arguments, which really hurts but mostly I think he just doesn't understand the extent of my problem, I have always been able to make it seem okay because I can function just fine, its very easy to hide and very easy to pretend its okay because its prescribed. Of course it wasn't long before the prescribed amount wasn't enough and I had to find a dealer, we had some work done on our house and I engaged in conversation with some construction workers who had the "hook up" and then the money started to flow. Ive never tried to keep up with how much I spend on it, its easier that way, but I normally take approximately 30 mg of percocet at a time, I take lortabs because they are easier to find and I take it about three times a day now, which scares me so much. I have taken oxycontin 30 mg pills on occasion when the percocets and lortabs aren't available and I can feel the addiction growing increasingly out of control. I find myself wondering where ppl get the energy to get up and get dressed and get things done in the world, sounds strange I know, but I have no energy anymore, funny cause when I started the drug it was because they gave me energy. I take good care of my children, my house is clean, the laundry is done and that also helps me make believe everything is fine, as if a folded shirt in the drawer makes it ok to abuse drugs, I can't believe sometimes how distorted my thoughts have become. I have tried to come clean several times, always because I ran out, I could never do it with a bottle in the medicine cabinet. I was given suboxone by a friend, only a handful which I would use when I ran out to get me through, it worked great (wish I had some now). I do not look forward to running out, its a terrible time, as if I'm not irritable enough as it is already. This drug makes me extremely frustrated all the time, I snap at the kids over nothing. I just want my life back. I have taken suboxone before, got a handful from a friend once, it helped the cravings during times I couldn't score. I don't know if I can do this on my own. I am a strong person, and I am strong willed. I quit smoking cigarettes. I just don't know if I can do this....
Jennifer

gizzy32 · Answer

Don't you ever be embarassed to post on here. Quitting is a process and your gonna have to learn what it takes. Reading and posting is a start. Don't wait till something hits hard cause that could be something really bad, such as my bottom and you dont' want that. Living a clean life will be so much better, but in order to get there, your gonna have to crawl for awhile, it's not easy but i promise you it's worth it. Just don;'t ever give up, tha'ts when your in trouble. good luck. hope it's not as cold in Ottawa as it is here this evening

kes68 · Answer

I am almost embarassed to keep posting.  I can't promise to stop.  I keep reading, posting, hoping something will hit hard and sink in.

SmartYetStupid · Answer

Just take smaller dosages at the same time, but GO DOWN IN MGS! Even if it's just a tiny bit, at least it's lower. I found it took my body 2-3 or sometimes 4 days to adjust to the lower dosages. If you have to, just lower the dosage a tiny bit and go with that for 2-3 weeks... Then, lower it again a little. Keep doing that and before you know it, you'll be down to nothing. I'm able to now "function" (see my laundry thread) on the weekends without taking the pills. I think it's more psychological at this point because I don't need them (except to do laundry.. LOL! Kidding!).

dominosarah · Answer

Admitting that you are addicted is the first step......Maybe that was your lighting bolt.....We all came here scared and feeling the way you do....Make a plan and stay on the forum.......we are here to help you.  There is a life out here with your name on it.  sara

bluespence · Answer

Sometimes we all need to just do what we know it right..because if we wait to "feel" something nothing will ever get done. Think about how many of us would lose our jobs if we only went to work when we feel like it. You don't need to have a lightening bolt, just knowledge on the consequences of your choices. Good Luck!!

ToWonderWhat · Answer

Good question.... Im in the same boat. I have taper'd down but cant seem to get any further than where im at now. Ive been hangin around here for a couple weeks and the more i read and people i meet might just give me that push. VGL   Craig

worried878 · Answer

admitting ur addiction is so very important..many never even reach this 1st point..then making a plan to kick the addiction is in order..keep posting

SmartYetStupid · Answer

You've made the first step... You've admitted your addiction.  That's a tough one to make, so GOOD JOB! 

Secondly, check out different quit plans. Everyone is different. You sound like you are scared to quit and are in too much of a drug induced state to care.  

I would recommend a slow taper.  The slower the better.  I did it that way (and still am) and it's worked well for me.  It took my body about 3 days to adjust to the lower dosages, so I went down a little each week.  I was taking up to 60 mgs of oxycodone a day.  I now take 10 mgs a day throughout the week so I can function at work, and I don't take ANY on the weekends.  So, I was taking 420 mgs a week, and now I am taking 50 mgs a week.  It's been a long slow process, but it's working for me.  

Also, I found that taking Lexapro has helped me TREMENDOUSLY with the depression and anxiety that accompanies the withdrawal symptoms.  Three weeks ago I was damn near suicidal.... Lexapro has been a literal life saver for me.  No more panic attacks, no more hopelessness, no more crying.  I just wish it gave me the energy that the percocets did! 

Look into the different plans, pick a start date to taper or a quit date to go cold turkey.  Look into the Thomas Recipe and the Amino Protocol and get the stuff from those if you plan on going cold turkey.  You might also want to ask you doctor for Valium or Xanax to help you sleep if you're going to go cold turkey.  I tried cold turkey and couldn't do it.  However, after three weeks of trying, I went back on the pills in very small doses... Two a day for a week, then one and a half a day for a week, one a day for a week.  Now I'm on one a day for five days and none on weekends.  I'll do that for another week and then I go down to a half a pill a day for five days and still none on weekends.  

You have to figure out what is right for you and what you think you will have the best success with.  But, pick a date and STICK TO IT!  Make sure you have time off from work if you're going cold turkey.  You are going to be MISERABLE your first few days..

Send me a message if you want to talk, and KEEP POSTING!  We'll help you out... I promise!

122 Tactical Fighter Group · Answer

Maybe you need to get honestly self reflective for just a little while here. You seem to be acquainted with so many of the bad parts. Not usually any lightning bolts. Its much more like Martin Luther King. "I have been to the mountaintop. And I have seen the promised land."  The addiction mountain is hard one to climb. many stop to rest and dont continue. Many look over their shoulders and see a long line of people behind them. That discourages them. But some keep going. And when they see the promised land its without the harness of addiction on them. You dont feel the seriousness? That may well be good for you if you have the capacity to learn from someone else. I seem to have to learn things by myself the hard way. Which part of seriousness?  I came so very close to being left in a shallow grave in the Sonoran Dessert that I considered it serious. Of course the bust and subsequent three years in a Federal Prison boarded on serious. But maybe later when I did wake up in the ER with my 14 yr old son asking the Doc "Is my dad going to die?" It blew way past just serious!!  Feel free to PM me if you wish. Not enough letters on keyboard to explain fully why you need to get a real life back.....but it really rocks to do so - - - you can die tomorrow - - try living today and see if you like it - -