How to help my boyfriend who is addicted to Oxys

Question

My boyfriend of 7 years is addicted to oxys. He has tried and tried to quit, but the withdrawals always lead him back to the pills. He lies to me and I no longer trust him and it has created a horrible tension between us that is ruining our relationship. I "freak out" on him all the time because I just know when he has used again. All we do is fight now and he tells me that he needs support to quit and that I am not giving it to him. I don't know what to do to support him!! I try to hold him accountable and not be an enabler, but all this does is make him think I don't care and make me feel like a horrible, mean girlfriend. I lost my father to alcoholism and have major issues I am still trying to deal with, which does not make it any easier for me to help my boyfriend overcome his addiction. The way he acts when he is high/withdrawaling hurts me so much (mean, depressed, just all around up and down that I can not keep up with). Sorry to just ramble but I really have no idea what to do. He is an amazing man and I know he has a disease but I do not know how much more I can take. Has anyone ever been through this or been on his end?

mellie4 · Answer

I feel for you.  I was in that position with my ex-husband.  I wasn't an addict and couldn't really understand.  I did go to Al-Anon and to some AA meetings with him.  (His DOC was alcohol but once he started drinking, he'd use anything.)

Ultimately it cost him his marriage, his children, and his job.  He's still using.  He hates how he's living but he just can't seem to stop for more than a few days.

I always felt betrayed and stupid when he'd use again after I believed and trusted him.  As hard as it is, try not to take it personally.  He has to want to quit.  Has he ever talked about going to a rehab?  My ex went to about 12, but one did get him sober for nearly 5 years.  They were the best years of our lives.

If he can't/won't go to rehab, what about NA or AA?  If he has the worst time with the mental part of it, that may help.  Aftercare is essential to everyone; he just has to find the right program for him.

As for you, only you know how much you can take.  I stayed for 18 years.  It's been hard.  And the truth is, I still love him, but I know I can't live like that anymore and neither can my kids.

Good luck.

CinChelle · Answer

Its a battle he has to want to fight but if he makes that choice he shouldn't do it alone. It makes it that much harder. However u need to tell him what u expect otherwise ur not gonna continue going through it. Hopefully he comes around cause its not fair that have to not only watch him hurt himself but also sit around and watch the resentful person u are becoming. I'm gonna add u to my friends list that way u can straight message me if u wanna talk rather than on the forum

pinky59424 · Answer

Thank you, Gnarly. I have been reading forums for a few months now and this is the first time I have posted anything. It really does help to read what others in his position are going through. He thinks I am so unsopportive and don't try to understand, yet he doesn't get how much research I have been doing and how much I try every day to just stay calm and be helpful. I know being an addict is HELL, but being the loved one of an addict is so hard and its getting the best of me which scares me so much. I have turned into a cruel monster towards him and now he has pulled away so much. I just pray everyday that he will finally decide that enough is enough and this has to stop.

pinky59424 · Answer

Congrats on being 2 weeks sober that is great!! My boyfriend says every day he wants to quit, but that even when he gets past the worst of the physical withdrawals the mental aspect is the hardest to overcome and he uses again. Since I am not an addict, I have such a hard time understanding what he is going through and I try soooo hard not to judge and to put myself in his shoes but damn its hard. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel betrayed after he tells me he is going to quit and then ends up using again. How can I help him stay on track? Or is this really a battle he has to fight on his own? I feel that I am being cheated on, only instead of another girl its oxy.

gnarly_1 · Answer

HI and welcome to the forum....I feel for you in the situation your in.....theirs not much you can do ...hes got to want to quit...and he's got to want it bad...bad enough to go thew he!! to get it...you came to a good place for support and help ....there is a lot of caring people here that have been where you B/F is...there are many here detoxing as we speak and many like myself that have made it out of that dark tunnel ..it will be good for you to read and learn about the disease...you can learn what withdrawals are all about and some of the things you can do to help eaz them...so take some time and just read the posts and answers you will learn a lot....when he's ready bring him here to this forum we can help support him as he goes thew it...it would be good for him to just sit and read also...I read for about a month b/4 I ever got up the courage to post anything  this forum was priceless helping me with my addiction and I dont think I could have done it without all the help you get here....there is also a lot of B/F and G/F as well as wifes and husbands that come here looking for help for there other half so you not alone we will do all we can to help you and support you along the way
so keep posting...try to eventually get you B/F on here we have a lot to offer
and try not to get discouraged ...there is always hope even for the most chronic abuser ....good luck and God bless .....Gnarly

CinChelle · Answer

My fiancée and I acquired our addiction together however I quit over 2 weeks ago and he just started a little less than a week ago. Ur right the trust factor can eat u alive. I'm going through that with him.I don't know if u have ur own demons but if u don't kudos. He had to want it himself otherwise it will never happen. Make sure u support him but not at the cost of urself.