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454371 tn?1221297385

I BLEW IT!!!!

I want to say thank you to all my friends, and everyone who has been helping and supporting me!!

Now the bad news.. I hate to even post this. But I know If I am going to make it, I have to.. I'll try to keep it short..
My daughter came home for Morther's Day weekend. Do not see her alot. My b/f who knew I was kicking these pills, Just made it unbareable... He has no kids, and Just picks mine apart... And me as well, when they are around..  Come saturday late morning, I could take no more, So I got some pills, And the rest is history!!!!
I sit here crying my eyes out, that I let, myself down, and all my friends, I am so sick of this..... The merry go round never seems to stop!! There is so much more going on that I do not what to post about.. I can't seem to catch a break!! Nerver, It is always something... The harder I try, The more I seem to get slaped down.. It seem like I can't get out of this hole.. Evertime I get to the top, I get pushed back in!!!!  I know It does not help, But now I now why I kept taking the pills. It seems to make things better. You do not have to think about them. In the long run, It just puts you deeper in that hole...
Sorry for the venting..... Thanks,

                         Lady
26 Responses
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Avatar universal
Have a great, clean day. Don't worry about missing up, it happened and you can't change it just learn from the set back. Its okay, you are doing a great job, don't give up. Never Give Up! Have a positive look on today.
Hugs,
Becca
Helpful - 0
502050 tn?1243602535
One min. @ a time Lady that is what my goals were to begin with. It took me 25 yrs of fighting to get away from booze and coke but won that one 14 yrs ago. Addicted to them @ 12 yrs old won my battle @ 37 yrs old and got my nursing license the same yr. The tramadol was a different w/d but still if you fall get up and go again. I have great support in my wife and teens. I can not believe the change in them. More caring more willing to do what needs done no questions and constantly checking to see if I need anything . I find I am truly blessed with new friends here. And a new family or is it my head is clearing ? lol
Helpful - 0
475129 tn?1213796513
Hey. We all feel for you and as you read, each one of us wants you NOT TO GIVE UP.

See, It is the craving we have to defeat. Rest is detail. And craving will find its devil many ways, sometimes thru your boy friend, other times from a zillion other ways.
I read three wonderful piece posted by a members here (God bless them all).
Since they are three long, serious notes, I Request you not to lose patience or motivation:

Rewarding survival behaviors

The human brain is designed to promote behaviors it recognizes as directly linked to its survival.

Basic life functions—such as eating and sex—stimulate receptors in the brain's "reward circuit" to release dopamine, a chemical that produces an intensely pleasurable feeling known as "euphoria."1,2

It doesn't take long to learn that certain activities will be "rewarded"—that is, that they will prompt dopamine release and pleasurable sensation. This positive reinforcement is the brain's way of encouraging behavior important for survival.

Triggers
In addition to functioning as a reward, dopamine is also the brain's way of ensuring that the experience itself will not be easily forgotten. Dopamine release activates the areas of the brain involved in memory formation to record details about the environment where the event occurred.3

Which details the brain chooses to record can range from the obvious (where the incident occurred, who was there) to the obscure (a billboard passed on the way, the temperature outside). There is no way to know ahead of time what details the brain has stored. But whatever they were, when those circumstances are encountered in the future, they will trigger memories of the good feelings produced by dopamine, and, often, a desire to recreate that experience. The technical term for these memories is "conditioned associations," but most people familiar with opioid dependence refer to them as "triggers."3

Tricking the brain
The act of rewarding (also called reinforcing) a behavior increases the chances of its being repeated. This is why the most important behaviors to reward are those related to survival.

By coincidence, some drugs have molecular structures very similar to those of chemicals that naturally occur in the body. This similarity allows the drugs to activate the reward circuit, stimulate dopamine release, and cause euphoria.4

One result of this euphoria is that drug-taking behavior is rewarded, thereby increasing the chances that the behavior will be repeated.4

Another result of this reward is that the brain begins to think drug-taking is actually necessary for survival. To the brain, just the fact that an activity is rewarded at all means that activity must be important for survival.4

The ability to activate the reward circuit accounts for some drugs being viewed as potentially addictive.2

Opioids are among those drugs capable of activating the reward circuit to release dopamine and reinforce drug-taking behavior.

However, most people who use opioids do not become opioid-dependent.5 This suggests that, while the reward circuit is responsible for opioids' addictive potential, opioid dependence most likely involves additional factors.
Helpful - 0
503422 tn?1218556941
VOR
Hang in there.  It really is a minute-by-minute process.  It appears you have a lot of support here, so use it and stick to it, and keep posting.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Good morning lady...Today is a new day.. As all have said before..get back in the saddle girl. We are here for you..
xo Lisa
Helpful - 0
477600 tn?1211421159
i completly understand where u are coming from!! i have been off of vicodin for 33 days now. they gave me that pick me up and that awe i feel normal feel. and they got my mind off of what was going on around me. because i didn't want to deal with the "things" going on around me. the stress from this and that and this person and feeling judged.... i took them because i am what i would call a sheep... however when i took them, i felt like the lion.... know what i mean? i hope that made sence, although i kinda confused myself for a minute.... but it gets better! stay on this site!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no question is a dumb one and feel free to vent anytime you need too! this website and awesome people helped me get off vicodin!!! without this site, there is no way i could of done it on my own!

today is a new day!
if you have any questions or want to vent, feel free to chat me up!!

krysta
Helpful - 0
449236 tn?1220566714
Life is like riding a horse you get kicked off you brush yourself off and get back on!! and start the crazy wild ride all over again! you can keep on riding it doesnt make you a faliure just HUMAN! all the best
Helpful - 0
243614 tn?1266197537
Don't stay down.  Don't ever quit.  Eliminate what stress you can in your life.
Just a thought,  maybe the bf should go.  You deserve better than to be downed
and your kids to be downed by someone who is suppose to be on your side.  
Just something to think about.   You can get through this!  I know because I did
it.  I was so down at one time.  Sick of my life.  But, am still hanging in there and
trying.  Now i am trying to quit the booze.  Yeah, i changed one addiction for
another.  Not uncommon.  I couldn't make it if my husband wasn't my supporter, best friend >
and my Rock.  Never an unkind word.  He can't be the only man out there like that.
Don't settle for less.   Hugs, TJack
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Lady! That is the most important thing that you keep trying no matter what!!! You can do this sweetie!! Hang in there!!!! Hugs
Helpful - 0
454371 tn?1221297385
I thank you all for your support....

It has been a long day. But at least I have put down the bat, and am giving it another try. Have not used today! Guess that is a plus.. I am going to just take it one day at a time. Maybe even less. I know it is a long road, and not an easy one. I can only do what I can do...
Thanks to all my friends, and all the kind words...

                   Lady
Helpful - 0
502050 tn?1243602535
Dust yourself off, get up and back in the fight. It is not a sin to fall down but it is if you stay down. Keepin' you as with everybody here in my prayers.
"T"
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I replied to your pm. Did you get it? Take care and don't sweat it lady boop.... Mike
Helpful - 0
489042 tn?1211420377
Don't worry about it now its nothing you can change.  You can only put one foot foward and keep fighting.  I felt like **** after I relapsed but it only made me stronger in the end, if you need to talk I'm here friend!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey there girl! You know I pm'd you but just want to add..There is always going to be SOMETHING happening and such in our lives..  I have had to learn that..If I wait until I have no stress or a cheating husband or perfect kids or all my bills paid etc....you know what i am saying...it will never come. I was told the same thing..This life comes with stress and problems..We can do the best we can to eliminate the **** we can..but some of it..we just can't change..Get back up and fight..we all have had the "bump" in the road. Learn from it and use it to your advantage..xo Lisa
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I think all of us have used after quiting or most, please jump back on and count it as a bump.. I must say I hate to be rude but I agree with Ladyboop, also do you really want someone in your life that dose not respect you enough to be kind to your children and yourself.. Take care
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Sorry for your stress, but dont let it stop you. It's okay, we all slip. Its not easy, and I truly believe that stress makes it worse. I do think you need to talk to your boyfriend and let him know that you need his support for this to work. If he is wanting the best for you then he needs to let up on the stress and help support you. Do you think the stress he puts you under makes you use? If the answer is yes then you need to decide which is most important,  you or him. Sorry to be so blunt, I just had to make a point about this same problem with my husband and my children. He almost lost out. He had to chill out or there was the door. I want to be clean and I know I cannot do it stressed out.
Good Luck
Helpful - 0
488766 tn?1306105169
Please do Not feel that you failed, I think that would only happen if you(we) all quit trying. I know i do not know a whole lot being only 21 days clean but i have seen alot of your responses to others and you have helped me in the past,and i want you to know i am praying for you and want to let you know you are never closer to jesus than you are rite now!!!!!   GBU and stay strong   brad
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Try not to be too hard on yourself - this is tough, really tough.  It is a process, and sometimes we slip a number of times before we make it.  Pay attention to what made you slip, use that knowledge in your planning to get clean again.
Often there is so much more involved than the pills - we use for a reason.  You may want to look into support groups or possible addiction therapists in your area.  This forum is great but sometimes face to face can be really beneficial.  Hang in there, you can do this.    
Helpful - 0
484378 tn?1209905892
hi...
I can only read and tell you my opinion. I was on Norco 10/325 for over 2 years, **at like 15-20 a DAY** and it was a constant struggle, ya know...the tired of being tired feeling ALL the time. It was something that I never thought I could live without. I did try the tapering thing...and it didnt work for me, though it does work for some. I was one of them people that wasnt strong enough. You may be! I hope you can! =]

After everything, my personal story is this....NOT SAYING YOU SHOULD DO THIS...BUT....I, in my mind could of NEVER imagined life without them evil little pills. I would go as far as calling in my own scrips, yadda yadda, you know the rest. They took control over my whole life. I was finally done! I made an appt with a Dr that gave me Subutex. It has COMPLETELY changed my life. Im happy, I feel great, I feel NORMAL, which is funny for me to say cuz I always felt "normal" ON the pills. Well I wasnt. Today I am 14 days clean, off the Norco, and am SUPER happy with my choice. Some people hate it, some love it. I know I dont want to stay on it forever, cuz it TOO can be addictive. NOT from a HIGH, but mentally you will be sick if you jump off to fast. I am now on 1-2mg pill in the am, and thats it. In 5 more days, I go down to a half in the morning...then nothing. Some people stay on it for years, **dont recommend**...and some a month or 2.

The point being...It sounds like you are 150% ready to kick this, and YOU CAN!! No matter what route you choose...you will get through it. Subutex helped me cuz it automatically stops the cravings, w/d's, and helps you get back to YOU again without the pills. Its crazy how a medicine can help you change your daily habits. I dont think of pills or anything...weird, I know. Just sayin, maybe look into the website and read about it and see if its for you. It might not be. All I know is it gave me another chance at life...and Im enjoying every minute of it! You can go to suboxone.com and get alot of good info and success stories. I am soooo glad I chose this route. Some think your trading one pill for another, and in a way you are....but this pill gives you a chance to CHANGE your daily habits of poppin the pills, stops the cravings, ect. Just make up your mind, if you choose this route, to say, "im gonna stay on them short term, till Im ready to face life clean again, and look forward to that moment! Make sure you do a slow slow taper getting off these though, cuz you will get wd if not. Our brains need time to heal. I did a fast 10 day taper/detox...and now Im doing "maintence" for a couple weeks. Go ahead and read my old posts maybe.

Maybe this might be a route you should look into if you feel you cant do the tapering, or feel guilty about going back. Take care, and no matter what route you choose, the main goal for all of us is to get clean, and stay clean. This Subutex IS NOT a cure all pill...there will be aftercare you will need too...but read up on it, and maybe you will be able to write a post saying you feel great, and OFF those pills, for good! ;) Take care!!
Helpful - 0
352798 tn?1399298154
Recovery is a process. You learn as you go. One thing you learn is that if you give these pills an inch, they take your life. You are the master over these pills. they cannot run your life unless you let them. Get back up and show them who is boss.
Helpful - 0
496208 tn?1271339076
Just keep trying.  How many times before have you tried....and you still tried in spite of the history.

It's not the falling down, it's the staying down. Get back up and give it another try.

I'm praying for you.

God Bless.


Helpful - 0
306455 tn?1288862071
Alittle relapse bump is extremely common, most of us have had many bumps. It doesn't mean you've failed. There are bumps in the road, thats all.  Don't knock yourself down, just keep going.  Hey, at least you're on the right road, bumps and all.
These relapses are a lesson in triggers. Now you need to start thinking ahead of what your triggers are and make a plan on how to deal with them ahead of time.
Hang in there, your OK.
Magi
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
sis...count it as a bump in the road, get back on hun...i am also wondering if maybe you should taper lower...of course the choice is yours to make sis...but now i am behind you 110% regardless of the path you choose...i'll be here anytime sweetie...
Helpful - 0
454371 tn?1221297385
Thank you Hun,
I know you more than anyone knows what I am dealing with..

I do not know where to go from here, Can you help me???

                 Lady
Helpful - 0
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