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Avatar universal

I almost caved

I almost caved yesterday.  I have been with my husband both in Florida and Georgia for the past almost 2 weeks and it was a great distraction from using – different scene really helped.  He left yesterday and all I kept thinking about was going over to my moms and getting a couple of pills.  All day, over and over in my mind.  I had so many errands to run, by the time I could actually do it, I was too tired to go.  So I didn’t.  Glad I didn’t.  I knew the physical w/ds would be the easy part of this horrible addiction and you know they are far from easy.  But compared to the emotional pull and the mental fight, it was a breeze.  I still plot and scheme in my mind about ways that I can get pills., when I can call my dr., what I can say, how I can get by with one more month, blah, blah, blah.   I did this for so long, it’s become a part of my psyche.  I just want to be normal again.  Make normal plans, think normal thoughts, have normal social life, etc, etc. etc.    I want to be strong – everyday, I want to hate/hate those pills, not love/hate.  I want to embrace REAL life, not life revolved around self medicating, I want to have goals and dreams and vision and hope again that life is good, my future is good.  I wonder if this is always going to be a part of me from now on.  What have I done to my self and my life having a relationship with pills.  
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Avatar universal
Kudos to everyone on their clean time!  It's a wonderful thing!

Having my coffee now.Took my vitamins.The sun is out...I'm good with that!

Love to all~
V.  xo
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Avatar universal
All I can say is... YES AND AMEN!
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1278336 tn?1271816114
I read your coffee post this morning before work, Kristen and it made me smile.  I had just been thinking on the morning of day 13 of not setting my alarm 20 mins before time to get up, so I could take 4-6 painpills, I was sitting enjoying that first cup of coffee and feeling good, feeling full of hope.

Trust God, Clean House, Help Others, I think Ive seen that posted by you somewhere else here Skimore, it's awesome and I think about it often.  I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. That verse is so very powerful to me.  Congrats on your 103 days that is so awesome, I want that and Im fighting to get it.

wait its after midnight, so 104 and now I have 14 days, 2 whole weeks :)

much love and prayer to vicki, leah, kristen, skid and all of us fighting the good fight together xo

denise
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Avatar universal
Yes!!  It's possible!!  Hang on to that!!!

Turn up the radio !!!!   LOL

V.  xo
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Avatar universal
I actually feel a little happy today.  Is that possible?  YES!  Have plans to meet a new friend in Orlando and feel excited about it.  Happy Day to all!
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Avatar universal
Skidmore~Good job on that clean time!!!  Oh yes...house cleaning is definitely important. It should be the first thing we do but often isn't.  We,eventually figure out how neccessary it is.  I know,I did...

I agree,we hold eachother up...

Vicki
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Avatar universal
Trust god, clean house ,help others.I am very inspired by all of these posts that I have read.I pray every day to give me the opportunity ,to stay connected with my higher power ,not my lower power meaning the pills .My housecleaning is removing those drs and skrips and all methods of which I would obtain my pills,on the street or from inlaws house.today I also try to help others ,through phone calls,AA- Na meetings med help and any other methods. Calling my sponser or receiving calls from people in recovery help me more than anything.Today I have 103 days without opiates and I am trying to make this a lifetime commitment one day at a time. I am very greateful that I found this site because all of you people keep it green for me I have bin there and went through the same crap, and all of your experience strength and hope,keep me sober and clean
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Kristen~  Doing fine.  :)       I love the early morning and that first cup of coffee. MMM..
It's 6:30 am here.  Yeah~ I do not miss the old routine of taking pills just to get out of bed. I hate that it was my first thought of the day.  It isn't anymore.  Very freeing...

Plan to have a great day...I love Fridays! Even though it"s rainy here,I don't care!!

I'm so proud of you!!  Post to me anytime!  
Have a great time with your son!!  So important...

Vicki   xo
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1213301 tn?1281738653
Early morning on Friday.  Ready to end this LONG week and have a weekend with my son.  I feel great this morning.....I love waking up and drinking coffee to get moving.  The days of taking 2-3 pills to get moving are a thing of the past and I hope never to come around again.  
Have an awesome day!  How are you doing?
Kristen
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Avatar universal
Jebs...Leah~~  

Hand reaching out~~


How are you two doing?

V.  xo
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1213301 tn?1281738653
Feeling the same Leah!!  I couldn't have made it one day without the help from everyone here.  It feels good to have support.  I couldn't do this alone.
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Avatar universal
I am overwhelmed beyond words at your thoughtfulness and care; insight and wisdom.  I’ve been told that wisdom is the correct application of truth.  What you write is true.  Will I respond in wisdom?  Haven’t always done that in my life for sure.  I would like to get to a place at my age that I act wisely and save myself from having to learn the hard way again.  Thank you for your love and care!
Helpful - 0
1213301 tn?1281738653
Vicki,
  You gave me chills on top of chills!!
You are such an inspiration to me!!
Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
if there r pills at ur moms that could be a continuos craving issue..perhaps u need to tell ur mom...not sure of ur relationship with her..but any avenues of using need to be addressed
staying busy helps...exercise hobbies, clean out a drawer!  there is a great article on craving in the health pages...keep moving forward
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
We've talked about songs and music a lot in the forum. There is such a relationship there...powerful stuff.

Jebs~ You did an amazing thing there.Wow!! Way to not do drugs!!!

Let's close all the doors together;my doors are closed now.Lets just walk away...

"And when the broken- hearted people living in the world agree;there will be an answer.
Let it be."
Helpful - 0
1213301 tn?1281738653
I do the same thing with the music in the car.....blast it and cry!  
What I was thinking today about songs......so many of them are how to move on from a bad relationship, hope to let go of someone that is bad for us.....and letting go and moving on..........so I'm thinking the pills are that "bad person" that we were involved with.  It fits with so many of the songs I hear.

11 days is awesome!!! Keep going!
Kristen

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1278336 tn?1271816114
Wow this was an awesome thread to read, so inspirational.  Just day 11 here, but I had a moment on the morning of day 2 on the way to work.  I happened upon a christian song on the radio titled, I Belong To You. (not sure who it was sung by, sounded like Kirk Franklin but thus far all Ive found on the internet is a version by Rance Allen Group, its good but I would love to know who sings the version I heard that morning)

I belong to you, I belong to You, I belong to You, yes I do
Mind body and soul
I'm Yours all alone

It touched me very deeply. I was singing along with tears streaming down my face, singing His praises and thanking Him for carrying me through this.  For letting me lean on Him, I am ever grateful.

also, I have to add that I too have been closing those doors to getting more.  It's so hard to resist the temptations when Im constantly getting texts offering me to do so, to say yes would be so easy.  I finally got rid of one person, didnt hear from him today, thank you Lord...another popped up and I let her know too...no more not ever no more.  Im going to take that next step and tell my Dr., no more refills.

Im closing all those doors and freakin nailin' em shut!

So awesome you did that Jebs, I know how hard it was...you did it, so awesome

Helpful - 0
1213301 tn?1281738653
Leah,
  That's exactly where I went wrong when I detoxed at home for the first time.  In the back of my head, I kept telling myself that I was done.....but I knew that after 21 days, I could get the refill.  It was crazy.........on day 21, I was probably the first phone call that morning to the doctor's office!!  I started real careful.....took a half here and a half there.  Within 24 hours, I was taking 10 pills a day!! That 90 lasted 8 days..........so then what?  I actually made an appointment.....lied my a** off and ended up with 90 more (percs this time).  They were gone within another 8 days or so.  That's when I said enough!  I was disgusted with myself but realized that I really had a problem.  There is NO going back to taking them as prescribed....I have proven that to myself the hard way!  
I went to the PCP who sent me to outpatient emergency room detox.......then ambulatory detox.....they didn't accept my insurance, made too much money for a liability claim...????  Decided to go home, suck it up and get on with the withdrawals.  BUT.....at the place where they didn't take my insurance.........which by the way I was told was $1,000 a day........I asked the nurse to call my pain doctor.  I couldn't have done it.  She had me sign a release form.....called my pcp I think.....and then called the Pain Doctor....so from that 2 day nightmare.........I got clean and stopped all of my ways to get any more!
Today is the day that I should be able to refill......and it is a HUGE relief knowing that I don't even need to waste my energy thinking about it because I know I can't!!
So.....through all of this rambling....my point to you is.......cancel them all....call your doctor...pharmacy....contacts....anywhere that you can get them.  I swear when that nurse asked me if I wanted her to call my doctors..........I swear, my head shaking "NO" as the word "YES" came out of my mouth.  I could have stopped breathing.....but I knew that it was over!!
You can do it too!
I love what Vicki said about reaching out for her hand......we could do that together!
K
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Avatar universal
Leah~ Trust me...you want to cut those ties.I wish I did...but actually had an rx that was expired that the pharmacy filled anyway.  I'm not blaming them at all. I did it,I caught it and I stopped it but it bites to be me right now.  Those saftey nets need to go.
It's very hard but in a way kind of freeing...it's over. Being an addict is a huge burden,in my opinion.  And when there's nothing left to scheme or do it's very liberating. So,I'm reaching my hand out to you;come all the way through. It's not that bad...
Vicki
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Avatar universal
Oh God, I know exactly what you are saying-all of it!!!! I haven't closed the door with my pain mgmt. dr. yet. Reading what you wrote is convicting the crap out of me to just do it.  I need to just do it.  That is certainly one answer to the all consuming brain tennis in my head.  Door closed-door closed.  No options to play with huh!  I know that I am still hanging on-maybe only by a thread-but that's all it takes.  I need the courage to cut ALL the ties, burn all of my bridges so I have to make good on my commitment to GET OUT BY GOING ALL THE WAY THROUGH!
Thanks : }
Helpful - 0
1213301 tn?1281738653
It is such a consuming fight...isn't it?  I have done this 3 times and I'm hoping the third time's the charm!  The first time I did a hospital detox...but not for me.  The second time I detoxed at home CT and stayed off for 21 days.  I knew that after those 21 days, I could get another script.  This time, I came clean to my doctor and had my pain doctor notified that I was to be given "no more".  I have gone 20 days now and today would have been the day to get a refill.  It's so different this time because I KNOW that I can't get anymore.  It is such a relief.  I don't have to count pills and hide pills and talk myself into taking one extra today and I will just take one less tomorrow.  That never happened.  I always went through 30 days worth in a week and then suffered for 3 weeks.  Now I know that I am done.  
My biggest challenge now is learning to live without the energy that pills fueled my body with.  It was endless energy!  Now I have to find energy to get through everything I do during the day.  It feels good though.  I have so many emotions back now.  I am happier and more relaxed.  I used to get soooooo irritable from taking them.  Now I smile and laugh and it feels really good.  
You are doing great and I know in my heart that TOGETHER we CAN do this.  I couldn't have made it through one day without you all!!!
K
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Avatar universal
I didn't do ct - didn't trust myself to handle it, but w/d sucked nonetheless and the thought of going through that again helps me too.  I NEVER want to do that again either.
I try and make some plans everyday so I don't go crazy.  Today was very good actually.  Did a great workout, spent sometime with my daughter, 'met' my mom, grocery shopped for healthy food and ate, read, and here I am.  I haven't had the mind battles as much today.  Thank you, Lord.  Let us know how you NA meetings go.  Hang in there!  I am sure I'll be seeing you around MH.
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Avatar universal
I truly believe that too!  My pastor has been talking about the decisions we make today affect tomorrow.  I KNOW that, but have not lived that way for a very long time.  It's time to start sowing some good seeds for the future.  I love what you wrote about together....we can all fight this fight successfully.  I have learned that nobody, but someone who has been there knows the battle I face each day and I am grateful for everyone on here helping me get through.  And nobody can appreciate the victory achieved one day at a time as we make the right decisions to stay clean.  
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Avatar universal
Truer words were never spoken. I am on day 8 of a CT opiate addiction. Like you said, the physical stuff sucked, but now its the mental anguish and the constant thought of pills filling my day.
I too wanted to get my life back, and be able to feel good and normal without having to do pills. Everytime I think about calling my Dr, or the guy that used to sell them to me, I pause and think about my 8 days clean, and the fact that I NEVER want to go thru this again.
For the first time in longer than I can remember, I went for a short walk yesterday, without any pills to get me going! Today was a little tough too, but I made myself go outside for a bit. I think that helps so much.
I went to the local church to ask about NA meetings, so I may go just check that out Friday. It can't hurt, right?!
Good luck, and if you need help, post away!
Meg
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