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5807504 tn?1382912120

I am an addict

I only just admitted this to myself like Tuesday a week ago. I LOVE 30's. I'm almost 38 and been around drugs all my adult life and never got hooked on **** til these damn 30's. I got so much **** going on I don't even know what to say or what not to. I haven't done one since Friday, so I guess I'm 4 days in. I'm really not even trying to count. I haven't even been on them all that long but I must have the tolerance of an elephant or some **** because I just want more and more and more. I would guess around the holiday's last year was when I really got going. I've been a casual user of everything forever but these are a *****! I never thought I would be such a mess. I guess I'm kinda addicted to a guy, too. He finally left last weekend. Maybe at least he was smart enough to know we had to get away from each other because all we do anymore is get high...or try to get high, mostly just not be sick. I know I'm rambling but I'm a freakin mess and I don't have anyone to talk to and haven't slept for **** in days. I saw my guy today. He's doing good. He's a few days ahead of me. Really seeing him just made me want to get high. I don't really feel too bad physically, my stomach is kind of a mess but my nerves are a wreck! I hate everyone but I hate being by myself. I don't know where to go except sit in the house by myself because I don't trust myself not to get out and chase down a pill. **** a pill. I'm tired of this ****.  
59 Responses
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Avatar universal
Look just try and calm yourself down, you've broke the elephant's back now, so don't stress. Your doing everything correctly and I must say your bloke sound like a clever person. You can both be through this in no time, just be patient with yourself. This will get better I promise, the longer you and your man stay away from each other and get some clean time under your belts there is no reason why you can't start a new life together clean. I'm not saying it is going to be easy, its not, but you already knew this. What you should do is set some boundaries for both of you and organise some after care, just so you both don't slip back into old habits. You say you haven't had a problem for to long, but that word problem is there. Addicts who can't admit they have a problem never make it. You now know you are so you have to start looking into recovery programs, just to get educated on addiction if nothing else. There is loads of stuff on addiction on this site so read up on it and get a better understanding of it. You will know your own triggers by now, just put up road blocks to stop yourself from using until your strong enough mentally to cope going to meetings or to a counsellor. There is a load of support out there so make good use of it.

Try and exercise if you can, this will help loads, anything you can manage will suffice for now, just try not to sit and worry all day long. That will make you feel worse. Try eating fruit, soft one's are the easiest to swallow, Banana's and pears help me loads, drink plenty of cold water, I mean plenty, after a while you will start to dehydrate so make sure your doing that for yourself. Watching funny re-runs, movies or listening to music will help take your mind off it. Don't worry about the sleep it will come when your body needs it and not before. Don't lie there trying for sleep all day, this will stress you out even more, again be patient with it. The more you can relax and forget about sleep the better you will feel my friend.

Hope this all helps you in some way. Just remember to look after yourself first, I'm sure he is doing the same. You can both be free from this horrible burden if you truly want it, Wishing you and your man all the luck in the world, stay safe...
Helpful - 0
4341997 tn?1514588688
Hi and welcome....good for you for stopping the pills...you are a week in so you should start to feel better soon...the anxiety will be at a peek for awhile, just push thru it and know that it is temporary....if you haven't tried anything for the symptoms, look up the Thomas recipe  at the bottom of the page here....take from it what you can....it does help with symptoms,  Imodium for the stomach issues, drink lots and lots of water or gatorade....

Just know it does and will get better...i would cut all sources out as well, delete all numbers...it's so worth the few days of feeling bad to get your life back....addiction is a deadly disease and your brain and body need to heal...just let us know how we can help you...keep posting for support, this site is awesome for support and info....some great people on here that are willing to help you. Stay strong...it will all be ok.  :)  
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. It's good to know somebody is listening anyway. Everyone I know falls into two groups...my dope friends and everyone else who doesn't have a clue I'm in the mess I'm in. Well, that's not exactly true. I have one friend but I've done him wrong so many times that I hate to even accept his help. I don't feel like I deserve it. I know everyone has their own story and mine probably isn't any worse than anyone else's but I have really lived through some sh*t the last few years. I watched my husband of almost 16 years get shot to death in front of me and our 9 yr old daughter in July 2009. He was an addict and I hated it so bad. I was so proud that I made it through his death without getting addicted to anything. I just smoked my weed and rolled on. These 30's are hell.
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
Thanks for listening. This is the worst thing I've ever been through in my life and I've been through the ringer. I actually intentionally od'ed myself Sunday before last. I hate these pills and love them so much that I can't stand myself. I'm so tired of myself that I can't stand it. I can't eat and I can't sleep and I just hate everything. thanks again for listening and caring enough to drop a line. Maybe there is a god.
Helpful - 0
4341997 tn?1514588688
there is a God of our own understanding, whatever you believe in...a higher power....just hang on...yes, we all have our horror stories....we've all had traumas in our lives, and we are still here....your daughter loves you i'm sure and i'm sure you are a good mom....you and her both deserve for you to be clean.  Just take it one day, one hour, one min at a time....you can get thru this....it's always darkest before the dawn as they say....try to keep busy and focus on your recovery.  Have you thought about counseling or meetings or both??  
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
As a matter of fact just about 5 minutes ago I told someone that I talk to (but can't be around because he gets high too) that I was doing this and he tried to talk me into letting him take me to a meeting. I don't think I'm ready for that. He's a mess too. Sadly, I pretty much raised him so I guess I didn't do a very good job. I was only about 10 years older than him tho so Hey, I tried. He was just saying a couple days ago that I've always been the one who kept him in line when he was on top of the yoyo. He is using right now tho so we can't be together. I saw him for a minute today and got a couple xanax hoping to be able to sleep. Maybe tomoro will look better.
Helpful - 0
4341997 tn?1514588688
Each day you wake up and don't use is a better day hon....and yea, i'd stay away from anyone that still uses...even tho he offered to take you to a meeting....that was nice of him....when you are feeling better and thru the WD phase, then you can concentrate on after care...that is very important to get a plan in place to keep you from picking back up.....but lets just get you physically better, then we can help you with the mental part of it...right now your emotions will be all over the place, your mind is screaming for a pill and it will try to trick you into using again, just don't give in....it will get better each day you're clean, i promise....just hang in there.
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
My mind is screaming for a pill. I love that. I know for sure you feel me now. I wouldn't have even thought to say that myself but it is dead on. I am so glad I found this forum. I feel a little better just since I started this post. This is a good place!
Helpful - 0
4522800 tn?1470325834
I want to tell you that I have used off and on for 40 years until the opiates lead me up the Latter to methadone and I was stuck in H**L for 12 years.I too have many user friends right now and some I have know for 40 years. Well I just put 10 months behind me and the Biggest, Biggest, Biggest thing I can not express hard enough is to Set Your Boundaries Up. We can not go back to ANY old stomping Grounds. We have to stay away from people, places and things that will cause any Triggers at ALL.The Detox part is hard but it is easy compared to fighting this Beast off. You will be bouncing back quick but if you want to feel the rewards of being clean you will have to make a New Life out there. Also like Digger said, Study all you can about the "Disease of Addiction and the Pleasure Pathway" Beyond Willpower. This has been saving my bottom besides my AA/NA, Church, Family support, and the friends you can have on here. There is a lot to do to stay safe.
I am also so sorry to hear about what happen to you. That had to be just so so so hard on you and others.
I sure do wish you the best and if you have a craving come on here or hit a meeting.
Bless
Helpful - 0
5786666 tn?1374494531
Hi KristiBelle- it sounds as though you are doing great- keep up the hard work in fending off those cravings. I think you should go to a meeting, even though you aren't done with the dt's. Surrounding yourself with like-minded people, with whom you can talk to openly will really help- no judging or biasedness. And, it keeps you busy for the hour you are there. You don't have to talk... just listen. I have always thought that the dollar I put in the basket at every meeting as "admission" is worth the cost, considering how much I used to have to pay daily for my habit. (You really don't have to give them anything... it's up to you). I think you could really benefit in some care for yourself at this point... I was in the exact same boat as you with the 30's and dilaudid and finally said enough is enough. Although, 6 months ago it was a little harder than just that. Keep your head up, will power strong and voice heard and you'll be great!! Keep posting to talk- it def helps.
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am so sorry to hear the tragedy you faced in losing your husband.  I have a feeling those pills took the place of your grieving.  Have you given any thought to counseling?  There isnt enough pills in the world to take the pain away but there is healing without them.  You are worth fighting for~
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
Thanks for the advice. I still don't think I'm exactly ready for a meeting but maybe soon. This was a big step for me and I get to hide behind my screen here. I guess more than anything that I am embarrassed that I have been weak enough to let this crap get a hold of me. I never thought it would happen. I've done it all over the years and didn't think there was a drug out there that I thought I couldn't live without. I used to look at people and wonder how they ever let themselves get where a pill was the most important thing in the world. I found out the hard way how very easy it is.  
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
I'm still not ready I don't think. I love in a tiny, tiny town and undoubtedly there would be someone there that I wouldn't want to see me there. Maybe I should go to the next town over. I don't know. I'm doing ok today for now so YAY for me!
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
I almost fell after he died. I had a good friend that stood up and told me all about it. He kept me them from getting into a mess. Now it's almost 4 years past (on the 31st) and I am not sure I ever really did deal with it. Probably won't ever be able to really get past it because I feel at fault for his death and it eats at my conscience. I tried counseling right after but I just could not talk about it then. It was all I could do for a while to get through the day. I did not want to even think about it much less talk about it. It's still hard to now but easier than it was then. I talk to him a lot. He  struggled all his life with it. Never thought I would. Go figure. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me.
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
I can't add anything to the wonderful advice you've gotten, I just wanted to also offer my support and my sympathies for your loss.  I couldn't imagine going through something like that.  You owe it to yourself to maybe grieve the "right" way, I doubt you ever really did (like sarah said).  And you're not "weak" because you find yourself in this battle hon.  Addiction isn't about people's characters', or a result of them being weak, if it was, there wouldn't be SO many amazing people who are addicts, right?  This isn't a personality trait or a character flaw.  You're being an addict doesn't define who you are, it just means you have something you need to work on and keep your guard up about.

You need help and you need to find new ways to cope with life.  Sounds like you've just barely been squeaking by for a long long time.  You're going to be embarking on a journey that will be hard as hell, but the most worth it of anything you've ever done.

Keep talking, and maybe look into a meeting a little farther away, although remember, if you DO see someone you know, they're in the same boat sweetie and will be feeling the same way.  As people say here all the time and it's so true, this isn't a battle meant to be fought alone.
Helpful - 0
4522800 tn?1470325834
First I would like to say I just Love this Name of yours..How cute.
I want to share something else. I too would do all these drugs and walk away when I got tired of them all. Never experienced a w/d until the 90s when I started the opiates. But I have looked back a bit , not much because it does not matter no more, but I do think my Addition got really worse because of my lil brothers death and then all his lil friends went one by one after him. Kids too! I was really bad for over 7 years with my drinking. I really should of seen someone. So this is just a thought since it was mentioned that the pain you hold could be why you used the pills. These type of pills are really, really hard to let go. I live in a small town and I go to both AA/NA and I never see a soul out here. There are a lot of places that you could hook up with for one & one. We carry skeletons on us for a long time and we have to let them go. I sure wish you the best and you can keep in touch here, we will be here as well.
Bless
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
Thank you for reminding me that I'm not a bad person just have a bad habit. It's sometimes hard to separate the two. And you are so right about the barely getting by for a long time. I have been so miserable for so long that I haven't even cared if I woke up. Most days when I wake up I'm surprised I made it through another day. If it weren't for my daughter I probably truly would have committed suicide by now. I made a serious attempt almost 2 weeks ago now. If it weren't for my crazy tolerance level and my ex-husband/boyfriend I wouldn't be here talking to you today. It has to get better, right?
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
That is actually my given name. I hated my mother for hanging that on me for a long time! It wasn't until the last couple years that I even used it. When I first married I changed my middle name to my maiden name. When I got married the last time I took it back. I've been married 3 times total. 2 in the last couple years...yeah, I know lol. The guy that I have been talking about going through this with was my second husband but we have been living again together for the last several months. Well, had been anyway. He's at his mom's trying to stay straight too, He's doing good. I love him and I miss him like crazy but I know we don't need to be together right now. Maybe someday. Oh god now I'm crying. That reminds me of the old alan jackson song. That's kind of our song. Maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought today. My niece from my first husband's family texted me earlier about wanting some pictures of him for her first home. I haven't even answered her yet. I'm afraid to try to talk to her today for fear I will have a major melt down. I'm depressed as hell and trying not to be.  
Helpful - 0
5786666 tn?1374494531
Feelings were something I didn't know I possessed until after becoming sober. And now- I have TOO MANY feelings. I have a little over 6 months sober and for the first three or so months I couldn't almost handle certain situations. It really helps to have someone to talk to who kind of understands... even if it's your man!!! God knows I've unloaded so much on him (poor guy)... I've showed up at his job and everything!! He's such a great guy and loves me for ME. I know your guy loves you for you too and it's quite possible he needs someone to talk to too!! Ty it out and see how good it works!
Helpful - 0
5786666 tn?1374494531
It's ok to feel after being numb for so long. We jut have to re-learn how to deal with certain situation and certain feelings after brushing them under the rug for so many years...
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
Oh yeah I know he does. He's not a big talker though unless he's high. I showed up on his doorstep about midnight last night because I couldn't sleep. I hadn't eaten for days so he made me eat and put me to bed. I actually slept (after getting off the sh*tter from eating) all night. I got up and came home when I woke up. I didn't know if it would make me want a pill but it didn't luckily. I know we can't spend 24/7 together but he fills in some of the hellishly slow time.
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
Yeah man I feel EVERYTHING! I'm sitting here bawling right now. I just looked at the calendar and a week from today my sweet, sweet man will be gone for 4 years. His niece texted earlier, too. I can't even bring myself to talk to her right now. I'm so very raw. I just called my current whatever the hell you want to call him. He's at work but said he would take me to the cemetery later if I wanted. I have been saying for days that I was gonna go. Maybe him mentioning it is my sign I really need to go.
Helpful - 0
5786666 tn?1374494531
I think it will be good for you and don't be afraid to cry or let others (SELECTED others) in because it really does help. When you get back home, sit and reflect on what just happened and weed through those raw emotions that you have swept under the rug for so long. YOU NEED THIS!!! If you don't, you will not heal properly. It's learning how to cope with these feelings, whether it be sadness, rage, or happiness is what's going to help you in your sober life. I'll keep checking in on you and stay strong!
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
I think I will go. I'm a little scared. I haven't been there since I decorated on his birthday in December. I think about him everyday but going there and looking at that rock is a totally different thing. Especially when I feel like I do today. I'm afraid I won't ever stop crying.
Helpful - 0
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