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1673373 tn?1305659095

I am back and terrifed and embarrassed

If I could only have stayed focused on this I was reading through here and I would be well over two weeks clean.  On day three I ended up going to get a script thinking I would taper myself down.  Well that didnt work either....I was to embarassed to post anything but this is just crazy.  I was miserable w/d and I have been miserable the past few weeks....so this is it.  I HAVE TO DO THIS.....I am just so terrified.  Hell I couldnt even make it past day 3 before and to top it of i will be on day 2 of w/ds and starting a new waitress job.  I found this sight such a comfort and even made a few friends but then was just to stupid to talk to anyone about what i was doing and now here i am again.  I just honestly dont know if I have the strenght in me to do this......but I dont have the strength in my to keep living the way I am.....I am just lost and embarrassed and very confused.  Most of all I am just so mad at myself.  So dang mad.
40 Responses
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Avatar universal
Yes!!  Sara touched on this:  You need to be helping yourself right now!!  Start drinking as much as you can: water,juices,gatorade. You need to eat good food;no carbs!  Move around and walk.  If you feel crummy and out of it, a lot of times it's low blood sugar so eat and drink. Get your vitamins and minerals in.  And, most importantly, go to the AA meetings in town. That's just fine to do and you need to do it!  Okay?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Just as Big Easy says..... One day at a time, One minute at a time.... Stop thinking of the next few days, and just get through today!!! You can do this!!! Just start saying you ARE DOING THIS =)) The mind is a powerful tool... USE IT!!!

I know you will get through this, just stay strong and keep that head held high... Were ROOTIN for you.....
Helpful - 0
1667237 tn?1464300631
Don`t be afraid, I would recommend you not to think about future right now. Just be here, and live moment by moment, and then, when you get strong enough, think about everything, analyze it, and make some more changes.

You`ll have plenty of time 4 everything, but first you have to get there. And that`s important now. When later comes, then think about that time. Just try to relax and just live, without tiring preoccupations.

And congratulations on your progress. WOW, it`s amazing! you are doing great. I`m really glad 4 you... Just keep doing that.
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1673373 tn?1305659095
okay its been a long day but I went to my staff meeting....it was really weird....w/ds and all.  I felt real inpatient, and sorta out of body.  It was just really strange.  But anyway a tad bit of good/bad news.  I dont start until Monday morning.  Good news for w/d part, bad news on wallet but thats okay because once I start they are open from 6 am to 9pm and as of right now there is only 7 waitress's so I will be busy.  Its just I am terrified.  I know I will have more days clean under my belt its just I know how I felt there today.  But Monday is a long way away right now and i made it throught the three hour staff meeting.  I just didnt feel like myself at all.  Wondering if I ever will.  Just wanted to post and stay updated.  I AM GOING TO DO THIS I JUST HAVE TOO......
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I would of agreed w sunny too. Hopefully by Friday u will b better. Good luck
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Are you taking any supplements?  If not i would suggest you check into that.  Our bodies need some good stuff put back in it.  I wouldnt sweat the wd's so much.  It is rough and it suxs but it is necessary to rid our body of all the toxins.  Our organs need to heal up too.  What are you going to do about aftercare?  That is very important to our recovery.  Getting clean is the easy part, staying that way is the hard one.  You can do this!!        sara
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm sorry everyone for giving bad advice! I will never read on the run again!!! Sorry!!!, I meant well! You are brave and courageous! I still meant what I said about being an inspiration and so very BRAVE to have made that call. You are on the road, woman! Congratulations on your new life as a sober woman! All the very best to you!
Helpful - 0
1673373 tn?1305659095
i threw them away this afternoon......at this point i didnt think five would make much of a difference.  When I started back on them on the third day it took that many just to make me feel normal and stop the w/d's.  I am an addict and as much as i want to taper myself i know i cant do it.  I just got a script on the first of 120 and have five left.  Shows ya how much strength i have to try to taper...lol.....and your right ENOUGH IS ENOUGH....i have lost everything that means anything to me over these stupid pills and this is my chance.  This is it.....i have to do this....new job, i will have the kids for the summer and hopefully they will be coming home in august.....but one of the stipulations is no lortabs.....yes, i started taking them for multiple different reasons. always prescribed and now here i am.  As i said i have lost my friends and familys trust over this.  My kids are 13 and 16 and I have been their primary caregiver all these years and there dad got remarried and wham they thru a custody battle on me and me not thinking I would lose didnt even think about the pills....they had pharmacy records and there was not one month that went by that i didnt go early.....soemtimes up to a week in a half early.  This truely I feel is my last chance.  I HAVE TO DO THIS AND I WILL DO THIS....lol...okay now you and pillsnomore are really rubbing off.....which is a good thing.....i know i cant beat myself up but if i just wouldve stuck to it i would be almost three weeks clean......but right now i havent hit the 24 hour mark and I AM GOING TO STOP clock watching.  I just went and unplugged the clock that i think is losing time anyway...lol....one minute seems like one hour when you are in this situation
Helpful - 0
1667237 tn?1464300631
I agree w/TheBigEasy. 4 hours... that`s really something...

I heard that Valeriana might help with sleeping problems if you haven`t already tried it.

You are not babbling...

And it`s really great you believe in god. That can really help you...

I can just imagine how real WDs are. I mean, I have tried some opiates, like methadone and subotex, but that`s nothing comparing to you. And it was like 4 pills of methadone (i did that a few times during last two years) and day after I was sweating, throwing up, lying in bed all day and stuff, and from subs i end up in ER because I was throwing up my gall... much worse then methadone...

Hydrocodone... that`s like codeine(I tried it isolated few times)  and thebaine(buprenorphine or Subotex is a derivat)... I bet it`s really exhausting to go trough this. So, just keep going, because you are doing great... it`s really sometjhing to be admire of...

You will go trough this. You are really strong. You have already proved it by now...

Good luck...
Helpful - 0
1416133 tn?1351123217
Yup - I'm with easy on this one too (even if you do refer to me as "maam"! lol) - definitely better to just keep going.  deanne - you can DO this - and easy's right - Friday is a few days away and it will feel great to be at a new job ready to continue your new life as a new person!  :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
New job = New Life WITHOUT the devil  

You need to look at it that way.  The new job will be the first day of the NEW YOU!!!!  What a great thing to look forward to and look back on.  You can do this!!!!!  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Sorry sunnie...I disagree with the taper and starting back up.  She's already gone this far.  Putting the devil back into her system now will only delay the inevitable.  She's made the right decision.  Friday is a longgg way away for this process.  I felt 10000% better after my 3rd day and so will she.  Make the decision to stop and STOP.  Throw the damn pills away.  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi there! I only had time to read your statement at the top of the page, and not everyone else's responses, so sorry if I repeat what everyone has already said!
Firstly, let me start by saying you are sooooooo brave for calling the doctor, and coming this far. I just know that less than one out of a hundred people out there with this issue would never call their dr to say they had a problem, and cut their own supply off the way you did. That just shows how brave, smart and above all serious you are about wanting to get clean. Don't even think about that tiny glitch you had getting going. It doesn't matter at all! I admire so much about you already!
Take it from me, doing a short taper will help you tremendously, especially starting a new job. What are your hours over the next few days? Do you have to work everyday? If I were you (I have been in your position many times!) I would take what you have and divide it out over the next few days. If you were having major WD symptoms, maybe that memory will help you not to take too much and follow a taper just to avoid having to work through the agony. .??       How much per day were you using up to this point? You could cut the pills in to quarters and just take a tiny bit to ease the symptoms, and allow yourself to perform well at your new job, and also get sleep at night which will help tremendously with your will power, your job and your sanity. Maybe if you are very careful not to waver you could even get through the rocky part with little discomfort, and a positive outlook. If you need someone to talk to, or help with WD symptoms or a taper plan, feel free to message. Your strength is an inspiration. All the very best luck in the world! I just know you can do this.....and I don't feel that way about many! Best wishes! I will be watching to see how you are doing.... Good or less-than-good!
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Avatar universal
Yep...and with each hour that passes, that fog lifts a little more and you start discovering who that person was before the devil.  A LOT of things came to light when I was off of those and a lot of things I was covering up and not wanting to face because I was using so not to deal with them came to light.  Just think...4 hours have passed since your first post!!!!!
Helpful - 0
1673373 tn?1305659095
I am not sure how i feel at the moment. Going thru withdrawals is horrid so at this point all I know is i feel pretty crappy and I havent even made it through the first 24 hours.  I cant sleep, eat, think straight.....i thought about having a glass of wine but that is just another addiction.  I went to an aa meeting a couple of weeks ago.  They dont have na in our town but its all the same.  I saw what drinking does to people and in the frame of mind i am in i would just be trading one addiction for another......i am babbling again...lol.......just nervous about what is in store for me.  BUT I WILL DO THIS!!!!  and hopefully a job will help me get thru this.  As I said before i know GOD  works in mysterious ways so maybe I was supposed to get this job to help me stay busy and focused as i attempt to get clean.  The no sleeping really got me last time I did this so maybe, by working i will wear myself out enough that i will sleep....if not guess i will be on the internet all night....lol....i figure my body has to say enough sometime or another.
Helpful - 0
1667237 tn?1464300631
That is usual... to lose yourself when you do drugs, but now... you can meet yourself all over again. That could be fun. Who know what might you discover?

And I`m glad you are so euphoric about this... Just keep doing that...
Helpful - 0
1673373 tn?1305659095
and another thing you said....you hated yourself on the pills....that is the way I feel.  I hate myself on them...I am not even me.  I fly off the handle....easily and i look at pics and i dont even know myself anymore.  I just want to get thru this more than i have ever wanted anything in my life.  Then i get thru this I can be me again and by the Grace of God everything else will fall into place.  Funny thing is tho....i truely dont even know who me is anymore....i have been emotionless for so long....this is just crazy.  It truely is.  
Helpful - 0
1667237 tn?1464300631
You have an inspiration! That`s great! Are you happy about your decision? And and about winning?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
YES...You can do this!!!!  She's around.  I'm sure she'll pop in sooner than later.  We're always checking on each other as we beat this hell together.  It's really nice to find someone in the same situation as yourself.  There are a lot of posts of people at the same stage as you...friend one and do it together.  We had some really bad days but we stuck it out together and became close friends after the devil was gone.
Helpful - 0
1667237 tn?1464300631
You are welcome...

"Why cant I be a normal person?" is a question i though about a lot. But when you say this now, I must say: normal is a relative thing. And you are "normal". You just lost yourself somewhere on the way, and you are not the only one. It just happens. To a lot of people...  

You feel guilty. And that˙s not so weird. But don`t do that. At least try. That kills your power. You did some things you are not proud of, but we all did. Every person. and I totally understands how you feel, but try not to bother yourself w/this now, try to focus on staying clean. You will have a lot of time to analyze past, but now it`s time for you to focus on new page you are turning in your life... Try not to think about all the bad things, that makes some negative energy and makes you more vulnerable...

you feel bad because you reach this point. when we run away from reality it is hard to see ourselves and that`s how you ended up here. and now you are going back to real world so all this (negative) feelings, trapped inside of you, are getting out. But don`t let them to overpower you. Because this time is different. This time you can do it. And you will succeed...

You have a choice. And you are strong enough to manipulate yourself to think positive. You can blame yourself or not. You can think "no one is stupid like me" (even though deep inside you know that`s not realistically true), or "worse stuff had happen. At least I didn`t kill anyone or took somebody else`s life and choice". I think that`s the worst thing person can do.And you didn`t...
Helpful - 0
1673373 tn?1305659095
what happened to pillnomore...i was looking for her and havent seen her on here today.  You and her were a lot of help to me last time I attempted this.  Have a feeling I am going to need everyones help for a long time to come.  BUT I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
LOL...no maaam.  Pillsnomore is FAMOUS for capitalizing certain words.  She's ADDICTING!!!!  =D  
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1416133 tn?1351123217
YOU WOULDN'T BE TALKING ABOUT ME WOULD YOU EASY???  LOL!!!
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Avatar universal
Very good...you have no choice but to do this.  I know you are tired of living in a fog, always looking at the stupid clock and calculating when you can take another pill, and praying every day that you just want to be normal again.  Like it or not, we are all DIFFERENT on these pills.  I never believed that until I was done.  I was not the same and I HATED that person.  Over 40 days clean now and I haven't thought about the devil in weeks.  I even had guys doing them right in front of me and I almost puked looking at them.  I promise...you WILL get there.  I had sooooo much to live for before I stopped...I now have soooooo much MORE to live for.  
Helpful - 0
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