I am now 6-7 days clean......

[wannabefreeagain]

I hadnt had any real bad withdrawal in my legs this go round, but lastnite restleg started,  & its always the same leg...my right leg.  I have quit quite a few times, with 1 yr as the highest amount of clean time I managed.  I always get the restless leg, with the burning sensation, aching...even feels like anxiety in my leg! Yes...it all hit late yesterday evening.  I couldnt even lay still in bed, I was sooooooo tired, but I had to keep getting up to move around, I had high anxiety, in my stomach & right leg.  Now I feel it again off and on today.  This is day 6 or 7 and its just starting, I didnt have it for first 6 days.  My brain is still off too.  My depression is still there, tiredness, and just feeling low.  Im not going to continue to complain because it does nothing to help my condition,....so Ill check back in a lil later,  Im just trying to hang on.

[stilltrying1965]

Yes I'm also the other side of the second part of my life. Congrats on day 10 prod of you. You can and will do this one day at a time 1 min at a time as time passess  slowly but its always moving. Your depression lifted that's all good my friend. Keep fighting and you will do this. Rember all the good times when you were 10 months clean. That can be you again . Sending you strength and much encouragrment you desserve to be free again. God bless and the very best of luck in what you are doing. ,,,,,James

[brownvelvet]

i think even when things are awful and you feel horrible you can at least cling to the fact that you are clean...and thats a very good thing

[wannabefreeagain]

Wow,  Im browsing thru this forum. Of course Im up and woke, not feeling to good...but the last activity I see on here at all, was 6 hours ago!....someone posted the other day, about the changes that were made to this forum...I didnt know that it had changed that much.  It helps so much, to be able to communicate....& even read the updated post.  Well Im still grateful for this site.  Guess im on my own tonite.

[stilltrying1965]

Hang in there you have done it b4 you know what to expect its hard but we have done it b4. I was a bit like yourself kept relapsing. I hate the withdrawls the break dancing in bed cant get comfy no matter what we do. congrats on day 7 you can do it. I just could not keep putting my body through all the pain of withdrawing we get too old. and I think every time we try and quit it gets harder and harder. the depression the pain its horrible. but as I said you have been there b4 just try and make this the last time your body goes through this pain,you have had 10 months clean b4 that's an awesome feeling I had 14 months once.and I felt good about myself. I had to change all my friends lose phone numbers anything I had to do I done to stay away out of temptasions way. You can do this just make it the last time wich I'm sure you will You have my support as well as many others. Iwill pray for you and know that you will get through this much respect and encouragement. keep fighting you will prevail,,,,James

[wannabefreeagain]

Hi stilltrying.....wow..thankyou so much for the confidence, & what you said about each time we do this to ourselves. we are definitely dragging our bodies thru  traumatic episodes.  Its traumatizing.  I know I am getting to old for this action.  Im on the second half of my years. My body cannot keep taking this beating.  Mentally....I promise I thought I went to the point of NO RETURN.  Omg it was so scary and pitiful.  I think I might be slightly turning a corner here a lil.  I have like 9-10 days clean now.  and this morning and close to half way thru the day today....I was blessed with a lil clarity.  My depression lifted...just enough for me to feel hopeful.  It was so great....but didnt last all day.  So at least I got a sign that I will be getting my mental breakthru....its coming.  So again I pushed myself and went back to the track, walked and jogged a lil.  Now Im headed for a hot epson bath.  Im hanging on...I have no other choice.

[Soulscapex]

Keep pushing thru each day mate,the sun always comes out , even on cloudy days.
God Bless

[vicki595]

Exercise definitely helps because it will boost endorphins to be released. You haven't produced your own feel good chemicals for awhile now. That's where the brain healing comes in. Chemicals will level out and adjust. In the meantime, you're depressed. It's normal.  Sometimes folks need to get with a doctor and maybe do a trial of antidepressants but usually we get better on our own.
I'll make some suggestions that may help you feel better:
Get some help in the house and with meals. You need some time just for you so you can heal.
Spend some time in a quiet room. Take a long bath, freshen your bed and clean up your bedroom. Light a candle. Get in bed and rest, watch TV, and what really helps is YouTube! Funny videos, and especially music will really give you a boost! It's just amazing.
In other words, don't think for a little while. Your brain needs freedom from that stress. Try to sleep. Distract yourself. Baby yourself. I view this part of the process as being sick so...treat yourself that way.
Now, please don't underestimate going to AA meetings. The meetings and the fellowship really help mentally and emotionally. I've seen it work for people.
I hope you get to feeling better soon. I feel badly for you. Most of us can relate to that dark space you're in. It does get better!  xo

[clean_in_ks]

Were you able to go to a Celebrate Recovery group at your church and use their work book?  All the people that go to Celebrate Recovery have something they need to "recover from".  Are you opposed to trying a 12 step meeting and just sitting and listening?

My apologies for not picking up on the fact that you weren't getting them from your dr.  Guess I just "*** u med" that when you asked the Oxyneo question.  When we first get clean, our serotonin levels drop drastically.
Are you taking any supplements?  Ester C? The Thomas Recipe?  Are you taking any Epsom salt baths that both feed magnesium to your body, relax you and detox you as well?  The neurotransmitters in our brains take more than 7 days to "normalize" and begin producing their own endorphins (nature's natural opiate).  Can you find something to LAUGH about?  Watch something funny?  Put ear buds in your ears and listen to music?
Sit in the sunshine for just a little bit.  The Vit D in the sun TRULY is one of nature's healers.  
I hope you will hang in there until you turn a corner as Sara said.  You have to be close, but doing some of the things suggested will help too.
Blessings to you~

[dominosarah]

Congrats on 7 days clean!!  You will be turning a corner real soon so hang tight.  You are so worth the fight~

[wannabefreeagain]

Well my body and brain wont even let me sit still, so i made myself, get dressed...going to store, i have got to pass some of this time....ill come back later. Im not sure that going to track forceing myself to walk & jog a mile is helping me . guess time will tell.  Everything even small things takes such an effort, its unbelievable. I just need my sanity back.This whole ordeal is horrific, with the mental healing being the worst because you dont know when your brain will be back to normal....so Im just existing these days...not living.  Im going to just leave now...Im just so outdone, that it makes me speechless at times.

[clean_in_ks]

When you stayed clean for a year previously, did you do any aftercare of any kind?
Do you have a person "in real life" that understands addiction that you can talk to?
Have you told your dr you do not want any more pills now?

It seems people are making suggestions and asking you questions and you're not too keen on answering them?  Maybe I'm mistaken, but it would help us to help you if we knew the answers to some of the questions we have been asking you.

[wannabefreeagain]

hello clean.......I have answered questions...not sure you have kept up with my post....but anyhow...when I made it that yr....yes I was fully connected to support, and groups in my church.  that is why I stated in one of my post I will be seeking a counselor as well.  and far as my doctor....I never stated that I was getting pills from a doctor.  which actually thats a good thing because the pills are not prescribed to me,  I would actually have to hunt them down.  Which Im pass that part right now.  I seriously have no desire to want to use.  I am really being punished here....I am so consumed with life that is still actively going on around me, that I only want to get well, so I may get on with my life.  And No I do not have anyone I can talk to about addiction, my mate is here, but he has never been addicted to anything, never smoked, etc...etc.  I thank God for his listening ear, and the fact that he is here with me, but he cant really feel me, he has never experienced anything even close to this beast.  Im just gonna hang on, and do what I need to do,

[wannabefreeagain]

Being  in this condition, nothing seems to lift my spirits, I really wish there was something I could do to lift this depression. Im just praying it is just that my brain has to heal.  I cant live like this.  I do not want anymore pills either, I dont even want to start taking depression pills, I feel like Im screwed up enough now.

[jifmoc]

Wanna, there IS something you can do to lift your spirits. But, for some reason you are refusing to do it. I'm going tonight to get my chip for 2 years clean. If I can do it, you can do it. And sweetie, I was at least as miserable as you!!

[jifmoc]

One more thing, I my very humble opinion, you keep saying "I will be seeing a counselor" but that is not helping you right now. As addicts, we always "will" do something. Tomorrow. We have great intentions. You can walk into any meeting today and feel better. You shouldn't have to wait.

[wannabefreeagain]

Hi jifmoc.....I appreciate your post..thankyou....do not take this the wrong way....I also stated in my other post....I am very familiar with the aa and na rooms.  I am grateful to god that they even have them for us addicts.  Yes...the rooms of aa and no have definitely helped me in some ways.....in the past.  I attended alot of meetings off and on for years.  Faithfully.   I used that route to help me over a different addiction I had...and I am clean from that today.  The meetings are very good.  I feel a deeper connection thru my church.   And as far as the counseling I mentioned....I will be getting into that....I apologize if you feel like Im making excuses....but that is not the case.  I still have life that is going on around me....also in my home...I have an entire family, plus the way Im feeling...I can barely get myself out of the bed to even face the day.  there are some personal issues that I MUST tend to...nobody else can do it....and they are vital to my life existence.  Me abusing pain meds is not the only issue or problem that I have to deal with in me & my familys life.  All of this is overwhelming. especially when Im trying to stay sane, and heal.   Its alot, I have to do it....so I push and I do the things I have to do, as well as doing things to get me physically in better shape also mentally and emotionally to even be able to focus on counseling.  This early in recovery for me, when Im still withdrawing, Im taking the proper steps thus far....using the thomas recipe. taking hot showers and baths.  drinking the fluids, plus ensure plus.  taking mag,zinc tabs...going to track and walking and jogging.  Oh and actually my bedroom is not in too bad of condition, I freshened my bed a few days ago.  Im not in the mood for funny movies just yet.  thats because I have to be in the mood for funny, or its not funny.  And no...I do not find anything funny at the present.  Wish I did., but I am watching tv...all the shows and movies I do like.  I also make my own music cd"s...I always listen to them...I love my music. Well thankyou all for even taking out the time to speak to me, and your advice is great....and encouraging post work wonders for me.  Most of the time...Im just venting, because Im just tired of feeling like this.  I have been here before, Im familiar with it, plus my faith is the strongest thing I have right now., along with the desire to not use, and the desire to heal and get my life back.  I do have some wonderful accomplishments I long to get back to.  along with my family I so love.  

[gnarly_1]

Hey Girl  just checking up on you...been following your story and I know all to well your struggle....just know it is so so worth it to get to the other side...for me each detox got worst then the one b/4 I think your experiencing that also...the real key here to make this your last time is aftercare  for a old dope fiend like me   N/A has been the magic bullet  long after the pills stop your still stuck with the addict in your head and addictive thinking and behaviors...the obsession to use will come back once the freshness of your detox wares off...those that go to meetings tend to stay clean....google a N/A meeting near you
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Gnarly<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

[wannabefreeagain]

Thankyou so much gnarly......Any words of encouragement....& hope...gives me hope that I am not permanently damaged,  mentally, & emotionally.  Physically being this should be like 8-9 days....the really bad withdrawal physically has calmed down.  Not completely gone, but somewhat tolerable.   Yes you are right saying that each withdrawal get worst, & harder & longer to recovery to normality.  I have quit quite a few times.....I dont remember it taking this long to  mentally fee better or emotionally.  By now, I would at least have positive thoughts and emotions that would let me know....I will be okay soon.  This time it is just not there.  I feel so depressed, but I know one thing for sure each moment that passes, I have no desire to use again.  I cannot live like this....I do have faith in God that I am healing every minute that I dont use.  One day I will feel the healing.  I just have to hang on..  & continue doing everything I can to treat this addiction, not just heal !  I do understand that now.  Its just super,..super hard when your existing in a state of depression, & uncertainty, and it feels like you are completely broken, and looks like no end in sight, everyday you awake, your still mentally dead.  I feel soooo numb.  I did push the last 2 days and went to track, managing to walk & jog at least 1 mile.  Hope that it does something for me,  right now I dont see or feel anything.  Im pretty much dragging my body around with me.  I feel so heavy.  This is so hard.  I just need  a glimmer of light, I need to feel again, I need to know that I have not permanently damaged my brain.  How do I get outta this depressed state.  I dont think it is anything directly that I can do.  Well, Im gonna stop talking now.....I dont even know anymore.  Im just here, but I sure will be one of the happiest people on this earth, the moment I feel the change.  God bless us all.

[Xcalibure]

You sound in good spirits with your head in the right place.  Everyday gets better, it's hard to focus on the future when everything seems chaotic but you will heal.  You will laugh real laughter, you will feel genuine happiness, your emotions will come back.  

[Xcalibure]

Anxiety is very understandable.  Withdrawl is full of suppose bouts of panic from nowhere.  It's one of the methods I learned that our brains use to trick us into trying to use again.  Once all the major physical withdrawal symptoms pass then we have a battle with our minds.  It will create phantom pains, anxiety, sadness, depression, and so many other things but stay strong.  Music worked amazing for me.  Put in some headphones and blast it away.  Music creates euphoria in the brain and can ease so many things.  Also exercise, you are probably without energy right now I know but excercise releases both restless leg and anxiety.  Go for a walk, clean house, fly a kite, anything to be active.  Post on here, even if no one responds right away it can be therapeutic to just write.  I'm around today so feel free to write back.

[wannabefreeagain]

Thanks xcalibure......I sure will be grateful when My emotions catch up with how Im thinking I cant wait to feel.  I love music,  but right now it just doesnt sound as sweet.  I listen anyhow.  Usually when Im feeling normal....&amp; normally happy...I dance &amp; sing alot.  My spirit has not healed,  my self happy stuff in my sick brain has not healed, but I dont care what...or how long it takes,  I will not be going backwards....Im soooooo done this time.  God has a greater high for me.  

[wannabefreeagain]

omg...I have sooo much anxiety going on...I cant stand it.  Im so tired, I have no energy to get up and walk around.  Mentally I am a mess as well.  This is horrible.  I am seriously wondering will my brain every heal.....I cant stand the depression.  Oh dear God.....This is ****, just pure ****