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Avatar universal

I gotta get off these oxy's

Hello, I'm very new here and its another sleepless night as they all are for me.   I have been on oxycodone and oxycontin since 93'.  I take one or two oxycodone 5's every hour or sometimes two hours and every three or four hours I take a oxycontin 20mg.  
So, you can see that I take a fair amount of pills and these are all given to me by my doctor.  I call every two weeks and they mail me my script.   I have had two back surgeries and a neck surgery and basically my body is worn out from many years of hard work and not taking care of myself.
I have tried several times to stop taking these pills but i cant take the withdrawals.  If I dont take them at least every three hours I get bad withdrawals.   Now I'm talking day and night, 24/7.  During the day I'm up for a few hours and I try to get something done, trying to make some money as I'm losing everything I worked so hard for. and then I'm down for a nap.  About a hour or so later I'm up taking a couple more pills, I'm up for a couple of hours and then back down for a hour or so and this goes on all day and all night.
I used to be a business owner and not doing that bad, I owned four rental houses and was on the go working my butt off all the time.  Three heart attacks and a stroke and a very major car accident which is why I had the surgeries is why I'm cant work anymore and this roller coaster of pill abuse is just about enough.  My family is suffering very badly as sometimes I'm a ******* to everyone and even if I'm nice to the kids I'm usually just a *** to my wife.  My marriage ***** now and their isnt any part of my life that isnt all screwed up!!!!     The house if falling apart, the roof leaks and the ceiling is falling down, the kitchen drain is so bad the sink is always full of food and will not drain but nobody cares and can do anything about it.   My cars are a embarrashment and my kids childhood is almost over and I missed it!
God damn it I dont know what the **** to do, I just started crying like a damn baby as I'm typing this as it all of sudden hit just how ****** my life is and I was a real go getter at one time having high hopes and dreams that everyone thought I would acheive.   I was on my way but on my way down I've lost all my friends, all of my family is dead except for my wife and kids and I missed the last ten years or so of my parents being all screwed up.

I'm sorry to go on and on I just have so much to say and this is only a small part of what I have bottled up inside of me.  Treatment is not a option as I feel like **** so much of the time that leaving the house and going anywhere just seems like to much effort.  Shower and try to find clothes to wear out of a pile somewhere, hopefully the cats havent pissed on them or the dog chewed up your underwear.

I'm sorry,  If you have any idea's for someone that is so ******* gone that I'm not going to be around much longer if I cant get the monkey off my back I just dont know what to do.  I want my life back and my poor family deserves so much more than what  I have given them!
Time to have a smoke and a couple more pills so hopfully someone here know's what I'm going through and has some words of advice that will make me feel better.

Thanks very much!!!
lifeinabottle
9 Responses
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Avatar universal
Have you ever tried a slow taper?Can you have your wife hold your pills for you and give them to you as needed?Try dropping 20% of your dose,stay on that till your body ajusts and then do another 20% drop.There are many people here who can help you with a taper plan.I am so sorry for all of the **** you have been through,but you made a huge step today asking for help.If you do a slow taper your w/d's won't be as bad as going cold turkey.You need to have someone who is strong and won't cave into you lock up your pills and hand them out to you.You listed a ton of things you need to work on but how about you just focus on getting clean and healthy I think the rest will fall into place once you have done that.If you do not take care of you first you will not be able to take care of anything else.You can do this,and I can tell in your post you want it!Now it is time to work on it.There are a lot of people here who will help and support you.I wish you the best!
Helpful - 0
631109 tn?1225301425
Hey man...wow, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time.  I can't sit here and pretend to understand, b/c I haven't been in your shoes.  But I do understand addiction...especially Oxy addiction.  I was on a dose similar to your, accept I would take 3 Oxy 20's and 6-7 oxycodone 5's at a time...about every 5 hours, so I know the hopeless situation you feel like you are in.  But it isn't hopeless.  PEOPLE DO BEAT THIS!!  I know you may be scared of treatment, but hell, you are supposed to feel like **** in rehab.  You aren't using.  When I finally hit my bottom, I decided just to sack up and do it C/T.  It was hell for about a week, then things slowly got better.  I would not have made it if I had not gone to NA.  I learned that I just have to get through today without using.  I had so many weak times that I wanted to start using again and I would think about the people who had been clean for multiple years and how they had such a joy and thankfullness in their eyes and voice.  They were so greatful to be clean and would not give that up for any drug.  I wanted that, and I am working on getting it today.  I will be praying for you.  Please don't think all is lost.  You can change things in your life if you are willing to change.  It won't be easy but you can do it.  Many have.  Good luck and God bless you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
In your realization of the role opioids have played in all that is wrong, you have successfully acknowledged the problem and identified many motivators for change. After many years of pain management consisting of: Duragesic, Dilaudid, OxyContin, Percocet 10/325, Lortab 10/500, MS Contin and Valium (not all at once, obviously, but usually at least two at a time), I decided that I would just deal with the pain and do whatever it took to rid myself of these addictive substances. The first time I went through withdrawal, I had stopped cold turkey, but gave a supply of MS Contin to my best friend in case the pain became unbearable (I only took one or two during the entirety of withdrawal). It took about 10 days for the withdrawal symptoms to subside, and during that time my horrendous migraines occurred almost daily, I would feel freezing cold yet be sweating terribly, I would sleep for 15+ hours at a time, and my relationships with family and friends had to cease because I was agitated, rude and refused to leave my apartment for fear of people noticing the shaky sweats. For the first five days or so, it seemed as though the withdrawal was not getting any better, and it was quite discouraging. I just kept telling myself that eventually it would have to subside. And once the withdrawal started to fade, I noticed improvements almost by the minute. Once the symptoms were completely gone life was more enjoyable than I had ever remembered it to be, and this is where holding onto your personal motivators will make all the difference. Your life *will* start anew!

Unfortunately, winter came and exacerbated my condition to the point I started on a new course of opioid treatment. This course lasted a very short while, but when I once again stopped taking the medications it caused withdrawal 10-times worse than my first. From what I've read and experienced, anytime you are dependent on a substance and quit it will take only a very short time of relapsing to have you hooked worse than originally. I decided to titrate down using the remaining pills I had, and it did help some, but not nearly enough. I got a script of Klonopin from my doctor and used it to help control the withdrawal. It, too, helped some, but I wouldn't have made it through this second time without holding dearly to the memories of how much greater life was without the effects of opioids. Even with the Klonopin, though, the withdrawal took over two weeks with all the same symptoms as before, except far worse. Then to top it all off, between the Valium for muscle spasms and Klonopin for withdrawal, I had become dependent on benzodiazepines, and it took about 10 days of the same old withdrawal symptoms (except far worse and more frequent headaches) to be free of the symptoms.

I know this may be too long, but I wanted to point out these key factors for you to consider when deciding the best course of action for your discontinuation of opioids. First and foremost, you will have withdrawal symptoms no matter if you go cold turkey, titrate downwards over time or use another type of medication for symptom relief. The thing that will get you through the terrible times is knowing that IT WILL PASS, even though you may not notice improvement for more than a week. Trust me, and others who have done it, though that the light at the end of the tunnel, a light you already can see flickering in the hopes of improved relations with your family and personal and professional growth, will be more rewarding than you can ever imagine in your current depths.

Second, remember that each time you relapse your journey will become exponentially more difficult. And while you must not allow yourself to be discouraged if you do fail the first time or the second or third time (despair will only yield a greater desire for something, anything, to ease the grief), keep in mind that while truly hard in itself the first go will be the easiest. However, you WILL have strong cravings for opioids LONG after withdrawal stops; perhaps even for years. DO NOT GIVE IN TO THEM!

Third, keep in mind that if you use other medications to help you may find yourself with a whole new problem. If you need to use a benzodiazepine, though, do it. Especially if you haven't already been on one because while possible, it is not likely that you will become addicted after only a few weeks time. Plus, the sleep they help you achieve is time you are withdrawing without having to be awake and conscious for it.

Fourth, and last but not least, do not be afraid of asking for help from anyone you trust, or again from resources like this one. Doctors, close friends, family should all be willing to help. And even if they can't or won't at least if they know through what you are going, they can be sympathetic; they will also better understand why you are short tempered and not easily sociable during that time.

I hope this helps you in some way, and I wish you the best during your coming trials. DON'T GIVE UP!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks you guys for the kind words!  I have actually weened it down and I'm now only doing a third or less what I used to do.  Remember I'm not buying these on the street, these are given to me from my Doctor.  On top of all the Meds I told you about I used to take two thirds more and about 10 40mg morphine a day on top of all that.   So, you can see that I'm trying as I have been just asking the doctor to right the script for less whenever I think I can handle it.
I fell like [email protected]## all the time and the pain is constant to the point that I just don't have the energy to fight much anymore.  As far as having my wife hold the pills and dose them out to me she is so messed up now with her health and the major stress of piles of bills we cannot pay and on top of all that she is so depressed that a lot of times I feel I have to keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn't do something stupid to herself.   All of this is my fault and that is so depressing I cannot even describe how bad I feel about that and the way she is and the kind of childhood my kids have had.
I feel like a blubbering idiot with no hope and I don't know what I expected someone on a forum to do for me but I do think it is good to talk about it.   I have no money for treatment and the several times I have tried cold turkey I felt like it would be easier to die than go any longer without the pills.   I still have to deal with the pain in my back and neck because of botched surgeries that didn't do what they were supposed to do.
I'm damn scared to keep going on these pills and probably even more scared to be without them.
If there was something I could get my hands on that would help with the pain and the withdrawals I would for sure try it.  
I have tried taking only one of the oxy's doing only the Oxycodone or only the Oxycontin and after about three or four days I always go back to taking both at the same time and when I do that for a couple of days I'm dosing even higher than normal.
Can Anybody tell me something that I can tell my doctor I want that will help me with this.   I think I probably can do this if there was something just to make it a little better.   I would like to sleep it off for a few days but I cant and usually I get restless legs really bad and my back hurts so  bad that I have to get up and take a couple more pills.   My withdrawals include a lot more than that but I cant explain what they feel like.
This may sound crazy but sometimes I feel afraid of reality and what life would be like without them.  I'm scared of feeling normal like other people do!
Anyway, thanks again for making me feel a little better.   I need to go and lay down for a few minutes again.

Thanks very much!!
Lostinabottle
Helpful - 0
631109 tn?1225301425
Well I don't think you sound crazy at all.  I know what you mean about being scared to live without them.  I was taking mine for pain too.  I have had a 3-level spinal fusion, so I know about being scared to stop taking them.  I also used to think..."How do people live without pills?"  I thought that they must be crazy.  How could anyone get through the day without something to help them through it.  Most addicts think this way...it's a common character flaw we all share.

I usually wouldn't advocate usning suboxone to get off the opiates, but you have been on this stuff for a LONG time.  I think that maybe you should talk to your Dr. about it.  I decided not to do it b/c I didn't want to trade one pill for another, and I have c/t'd several times so I knew I could do it.  But for some people it is a life saver.  However, many people on here are having a VERY hard time quitting the sub and are having terrible withdrawls.  But, if it could help you get to a better place and bring some sanity to yu and your family it may be a good option.  Just be very sure you know what you are getting yourself into.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks for your thoughts,  I have asked the doctor before if he could give me something to help and he didn't offer anything but now I have something to ask for and see what he says.
He told me once a long time ago when I asked how to quit and he said I might not be able to quit because my heart is so weak it might not be able to withstand the ordeal.
My cardiologist says that the oxy's are making my heart work a lot harder and I would live a lot longer if I was to get off of them.
Its never easy!
I will talk to him again and see what he has to say.
Thanks again, its nice to know that I'm not the only one that has this additive type of personality.

Thanks,
lostinabottle
Helpful - 0
638412 tn?1295046875
There are certain Drs that can prescribe the Sub.  You might want to google it....there is a site where you can find a Dr near you who specializes in this drug.  Go with an expert in the field....Sub isn't something to mess with.  Get a Dr who knows how to prescribe it!  Good luck!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Have you ever thought about doiing the whole methadone routine? I know that a lot of people disagree w/that route, but i believe that sometimes that option is the best for some people. My friends father was a herion addict for a very very long time, and now that he has been on methadone for quite a while, he is doing very well. He seems normal again. No more nodding out, no more closing himself off from the outside world..... IDK, it's just an idea...
Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
I also have a fusion and doctors telling me i need 2 more...holding out on that for now....i dont usualy suggest sub either but used properly it can work...smallest dose possible for 21 days of less..avoid addiction to it...but it is often expensive so i am not sure about ur insurance....tapering helps..letting ur doctor know can help a whole lot..have u told him?  be honest with him and he can help u taper..u wount have the pills to take if he cuts down the dose...then a clinic is an option as well for people who are stuck...lots of options but i dont know i i could ct off that dose...maybe cut out one at a time..taper off...lots of discipline but it can be done..i ahve seen people stop a 300 mg oxycontin habit with no maintenance narcotics...it is all inside of u/what u r capable of doing..keep posting
Helpful - 0
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