sixth dat relapse

[wilkie530]

well i started a new job today on my sith day clean opates my girlfriend thought it was to soon but i just cound'nt handle been stuck in the house all day.
the new job seems good and the bosses are ok,i had a good day at work hardly thought about using it was a bit cold as im a roofer but i was well wrapped up .
i got home at about 4pm 2 hrs before my girlfriend i found five valium left over from when i came off opiates i could'nt help myself i took 4 they where 10mg,s and bought off the street so god knows what realy in them ,
but when your withdrawing you'll take just about anything if you think it will ease the pain.
anyway by 4pm i started getting massive cravings for heroin before i knew it i was om my way to my one and only dealer i can use i've pissed the rest off thinking that if i had no place to buy it i would find it easier to stop (ha ha ha).
i now realise if you want it you will find it no matter what and i did i bought a £20 bag and smoked it there and then ,
.when i got home my girlfriend noticed straigh away she does'nt take drugs,i was honest and told her the truth it was quite hard to deny with the state of my eye's.
she said she had givin me a 10 per cent chance of staying clean as i've failed so often in the past but i truely believe if i had'nt took the valium i would have had more control over myself.
anyway i went to the doctors last tuesday to try and get prescribed naltraxone which is a blocker for opiates you could take £100 worth and you would'nt get a hit but he said he is'nt able to prescribe them so has referred me to a drug centre that has a 3 to 4 week waiting list so i just have to be strong i know im not going to wake up tommorow feeling to bad pysically but mentally will mbe tough .
i just feel like such a fool i've lost count of the amont of times i,ve tried to cold turky and lasted anything from 2 to six days clean but i always relapse i cant believe i have to wait up to 4 weeks to get naltraxone cause its opiate free and my girlfriend would watch me take it every morning it's the typical brittish n.h.s .
anyway sorry for thr rant it just feels better when you get it off your chest ,
it's good to know your not alone and there,s other people who understand, i think when you get to the first week of being clean all your emotions come floodind back like a massive wave and you thik of all the horrible things you've done to get drugs and the people you let down .
ah well tommorrow is another day and it,s going to be a clean one !
thanks for listning this site s a life saver.

[wilkie530]

thanks for the sopport,as i said i just wish i could get the naltrxone tomorrow then it would be a aste if time taking any opiate as it stops you getting a hit no matter how much u take you just make yourself sick and they have no opiates in them .
i can't afford to go to rehab as i have a morgage and other bills i'll just have to be strong till the naltraxone comes .
sorry about the spelling  but it's 1:45am and im half asleep i've just done my first full day of work in about six months.

[worried878]

maybe just a bump and u will come back strong....mentally this can be hard on people..u try it and u get away with it maybe..for a while..dont play with fire...it really doesnt make u feel so great when u do this..or did it?   gooe reinforcer not to continue doing it...keep tabs on urself and keep moving forward

[cathy5841]

i am sorry that you relapsed.  i know the valium altered your state of mind, it would have been smart to ger rid of them.  you also need to cut off all ties to any supploer you have.  i think you need to check inot after care.  you said you have tried to quit so many times and failed.  aftercare for me is the difference in success and failure.  check into it,  na is great or a counsellor.  you to to find out why you use and deal with it.  good luck i wish you the best.