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6537638 tn?1448263690

I know what i cant do

And i know what you will all say,  the same things you all said before. So whats the point. It seems like im the only one who cant stop. Yet everyone else is here cause they can stop or have stopped. The fact that i couldnt stop for anything means i havent listened to advice, so theres no point other than look  at him - how pathetic.
I have been to drug counsellors and marriage counsellors, therers always other issues. Then i thought to be fair on my wife, i said, the other issues are mostly minor compared to my drug addicition. So i told the marriage councilor who told child protection and so now i am not allowed to see my kids other than at there office.
The fact that ive never harmed them or done drugs around them or neglected them in any way is immaterial. The fact that i still work to support my family and they do have a good life is not relevant. Theres no point arguing, so i havent turned up to court the passed few times. I havent done what theyve asked cause i dont see the point. They want drug tests. I told them you dont need tests, i confirm i have a problem, i use meth everyday, i need help. I work, the drug use is due to stress at work, everything is making it worse, i need to address my issues and be a position to face stopping. I speak to and meet clients everyday and have lived with my family using meth for the passed 2 years undetected. Noone knows, im not sterotpical pyschopathetic meth user.. I am an introvert, who everytime i try to get help i get pushed further down the road of ruin.
Naturally, my wife and parents and i suppose anyone would say, for your kids, you can stop for your kids cant you?. How couldnt you stop for your kids? Well Im glad that realization worked for others. For me i spent a night crying and believing that was it, my kids need me. But i didnt stop, beyond the thought of it.. I mean my wife is continually suprised when i say i have used. They didnt understand why i wasnt doing the tests. They thought i was being stubborn. Yet i tell them i use drugs everyday 24/7. Then a week later they are suprised to learn im still using..."your still doing it arent you" , so i dont want to let them down and dissappoint them, so i say i think so, i cant remember was the last time. But it is every hour of the day. I tell them i need help, they agree. In one sentence they say you will never beable to stop will you, and then next sentence your still doing it.
So today my wife was in court to see what was required, she got in trouble with child protection for allowing me around the kids, and not recognizing drug addiction - but she has never taken drugs in her life and hates drug users and she has never seen me take drugs - its easy to get away with. Like i said i dont come across drug affected, though child protection have had a 5 minute interview with me and because i disagreed with what they said, that was enough evidence to say i was a danger to be around and i could go crazy at any second.
So again today, she is telling me i just got to do what theyve asked and things will get better. Ive been screaming for help since the middle of the year, now apparently i just got to stop and things will get better. Why do i seem to be the only one who cant stop when being told to stop.
I cant stop. I need to break the cycle the routine. I cant just wake up tomorrow and not do it again. Though thats what ive been told by my wife today. So i am sick of talking about too, so i said i will throw it all the bin today and on Friday i will go and do a drug test then the following Monday and Friday and forever more.Her reaction to that was, what your still using it even after i told her i hated doing it a few says ago. Continually people are amazed im still doing it. Why cant i just stop and do whats asked of me.  
So i said dont message or call me till Friday......That was about 2 hours ago....i have way too much work to do...for my job, so im thinking i can concentrate on that...Id like to think i won use eever again..In my mind the cut off is midnight tonight - so 5 more hours of use...im confident that it will NOT work, i am too stressed with work and i am on my own in an apartment and have no one. Will power-ive been working on positive thoughts, check into rehab, Doesnt work like that, im on a waiting list.
Ive been saying all year if i go on a holiday for 2 weeks, somewhere isolated warm and relax for 2 weeks thats enough to break the cycle..i keep being told thats a ridiculous idea, by my parents, yet the other times when i broke the cycle of addiction thats exactly how i did it . i went away, sleeping eating, swimming and relaxing my rehab, in a environment where there isnt stress and i cant get it. Im not the type of person who is so brave to go get it anywhere..i only buy from the internet, delivered to a po box. ive never spoken to a drug dealer or seen a drug dealer since ive been back using. why i would go it wouldt be delivered, i suppose i could ry but really - i dont think i would....i dont know, all i know what has worked for me before, i feel i cant do - so instead i sit and continue to use and my health - well to be honest im not good at all. So whats the point of this question. There isnt. maybe the point is you shouldnt do drugs - look what happens.I feel crippled by expectation, and crippled by guilt if i action my plan to save myself because of opinions of family. They think its ridiculous - just wake up to yourself and stop. So im trying to wake up to myself, i dont have confidence. Previously, the best answer was going back to pretending like its not a problem..That was okay before because they believed me or didnt seem to care. Now i my life has gone, unless i can prove it. So Friday i said i will prove it - Dont they realize i have a problem. Dont they realize that a court order isnt a cure. Addiction -i cant stop unless if i dont do something to stop. I know how to fix myself, i know what rehab works for me. I know me. But everyone is experts now, my parents, theyve been to parent rehab themselves, theyve never seen or touched a drug in there life but they have been that affected by the media hype that my dad acually think its impossible for me to get better, my mums view is wake up to myself, and my wifes view is are you still doing it.....so i just keep doing it. I will be bitter in rehab cause i feel that if i go its just cause my parents think its the only way. I can picture them now giving the staff a hug shedding a tear and thanking them. Rehab wont work for me because of these thoughts - i will be determined to prove it wont work. I know what works for me and they say thats ridiculous. So i just keep using. i just dont understand why me doing something to fix it is seen as ridiculous, and laden with guilt. Apparently i should just wake up or continue to wait for rehab that i know im suited for. What to do? To be honest the going away option works, but doesnt guarantee i wont go back to using but it does detox and i believe i have enough insensitive know to stay clean if i can get clean. No one knew before, so i was like it was never a problem. But a month from christmas i am literally too busy with work. I still function. I have to make it through to christmas. In my industry everyone is flat out till christmas and then everyone dissappears nearly to the end of January. But no one listens to me. How the hell am i going to be clean from midnight onwards. My wife expects o Friday i will be showing her clean tests.My mum and wife are probably happy now thinking finally ive woken up to myself.
11 Responses
6537638 tn?1448263690
is there an edit option?
Avatar universal
So sad. You're high now I'm assuming. I hope you read this when you sober up. Get to a rehab...any reputable rehab asap.
1235186 tn?1549257619
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hello and welcome. There is always hope.
Huni you are making excuses for yourself to continue your drug use.
yes life is filled with stress. Using is not the answer.

You certainly are not thinking straight.

Everything that is going on now in your life is a consequence of your drug use. When you are honest with yourself then you can be honest with others.

There is always hope.
4810126 tn?1503942735
Welcome back,

First, not everyone here could stop. The majority of people who come through here are never see again. There are also many of us that took a long, long time & a lot of work to get to where we are. It doesn't happen by simple will-power or a vacation somewhere warm. It's not just about getting the chemical out of your body & being magically cured of the urge. If you believe that a little time away is all it takes, you're doomed to failure & you don't understand the scope of the problem. It's about hard, hard work -- a change in how we understand & approach ourselves & just about everything else. This is what successful former users all have in common, whether they go to NA/AA or not. It's the same work. No one had it easy here. Others had stress. Others thought they couldn't do it. Some who listened & slowly made the adjustments were able to push through to the other side. To the light of day -- to sanity. You're not alone.

Your post is much like your others. When I say that your tone is defensive & conflicted & that underlying it all are your pervasive themes of frustration & powerlessness, I'm not saying that harshly. I'm saying it in recognition! It's a terrible place to be & I can promise you that you won't get yourself out of that quicksand until you do a few things:

Like:

1) Come out of denial for real: This doesn't just mean saying: 'Yeah, I'm an addict. I can't stop so just leave me alone. I'm not hurting anyone with my use. My job is very stressful & that's why I use'. (Forgive me for condensing & paraphrasing some of what you expressed).

If I remember, the last time you were here you'd hit your wife & had to go to court. It is only someone in active addiction & in deep denial who'd have a blind spot big enough to assert that their use was undetectable to all & that they'd never hurt anyone around them. It doesn't have to be physical violence to your wife & children. It can be depriving them of the real you. You will not be able to understand how profound this type of emotional theft is until you stop. The difference is huge & if your wife & kids ever knew you off drugs, they feel the difference when you're on (especially the kids). Even if they can't put their finger on it, the place that your addiction has brought you to: out of the house, in the court system, etc. has affected all of you.

2) Recognize the following:

You're in a place where you've kind of thrown up your arms & have forfeited the match. You feel that it's impossible to stop -- that circumstances & your environment have rendered you powerless. You're wearing your addiction as an identity. As in: 'I can't help it. I'm an addict. I'm not hurting anyone but myself. I need this to deal with life. Don't ask me to do things I'm obviously incapable of'. I was there myself for a long, long time & here's what I gradually came to realize: it's an excuse to keep using & to avoid doing the things we should be doing for ourselves & others. It's a form of fear & self-loathing.

This might be a good place to start. Ask yourself, is my use truly a result of my job? (Many folks have highly stressful jobs & don't use meth or opiates to 'cope'). If you had a job where you sat home & tested video games all day, do you Really believe that you'd never use again? (Dig deep!:) What we have to understand, is that it's in Us -- not around us -- no matter how bad things are in our environment. As long as you believe you're powerless & that circumstances & others are causing you to use, you will. As long as you believe you CAN'T kick, you won't. I think maybe you can't conceive of having to face life without drugs -- that it would be drab -- that you'd lose your bolt-hole/hiding place. I sense your ambivalence [at best] about stopping -- despite all the self-wrought pain & chaos you're going through. You resent that others are dragging you along this path -- the expectations, the pressure, the drug-testing, counseling, etc. You're afraid of failing them. You've heard this before but you Can't do this for others!! You Must do this for yourself, my friend.

Despite all this, you're back here. There's a part of you deep, deep down that knows the Truth & that wants this for You, first & foremost! This is hope, this is progress. Glad you're here & hope something clicks for you this time, my friend :)
Avatar universal
You desperately need to get into an inpatient rehab.  Your way of quitting doesn't work.  You say so yourself.  Many of the people on here were very much like you.  They tried and tried to go it their way and then eventually surrendered and went to rehab.
7163794 tn?1457366813
COMMUNITY LEADER
I must say....it sounds as if your in a vicious drug enduced cycle that you can't break from. Wake up, use, work, use, go to bed, use, etc....Your caught!  Make the decision to voluntarily commit yourself into at least a 90 program!  Your not going to quit for your wife, your kids, your family!  You can't stop at this point! It's not lack of love for these people...it's that your stuck!
If you really want to get better...get off this computer and get your *** into a detox center and then a LONG TERM inpatient treatment center IMMEDIATELY!  Don't think...your family will live, work will live, parents will live.....they won't live much longer though with you like this!  Your on your way to being put in jail from the sounds of it above....you want to detox there????  I think not....walk into a detox center now...
1796826 tn?1578874779
The problem is not with what you know. The problem is with the way you are knowing it.

Your goal is really quite simple: You want to cease taking meth. I advise you to go read Evolver's post at least two or three times. It contains the key to a new way of knowledge. You WILL stop taking meth at some point, that is certain. Either through your death, or by your embracing a new way of knowing yourself and your life. Those are the only two choices.
6537638 tn?1448263690
you  know me very well. Thats exactly me through and through. I realise it and its like i am waiting for someone to say its okay to keep using or am just waiting to be saved, but everything is an excuse and everything is unfair and no one cares. Already my mind has decided its easier to be angry with my wife for not caring, my mind thinks she wants me to keep using and the other part of my mind is angry cause she thinks its as simple as do what they have asked me to do. I agree everything you say, except my kids, my life is gone and i guess thats what happens. So i feel angry about it, but i kind of understand it, but i thought the energy they are spending taking me to court and wanting tests and so on would be better spent doing something that will help me. Afterall i think im important to my kids future - but nothing. i think to say i want help no is helping and before ive finished typing that sentence i think i cant go through that and it not that big a problem. so yeah i am denying myself help, because i think i need to keep working, which i do, and that i can fix myself when the times right...but thats the time i just keep using it...theres never a time to stop, same as never should think just one time
2 years ago or more, i spent 4-6months weighing it up.When i found an easy way to get drugs, the temptation was something that i had removed myself from... At that point id been 8 years good, i knew wrong, i battled daily with myself not to do it. It was just a battle with myself.  no i kept saying to myself, whats the point to it, im responsible now and so on and on...and eventually you know it was like it was, as if this will work, its not like it will actually arrive, and if it did one time would matter.....
I guess i dont want to face up to what i can easily admit to. I guess thats why i post. Theres a me that denies i need help and that i can fix it at some point. Theres a me who loves it and just wish the problem would go away and doesnt understand the problem or want to face the problem because he thinks he cant change and he thinks he doesnt want to change Theres the me who is a little bit scared about the reality of it. thats the me that comes here as though this is the answer right here, because the me here just keeps making excuses and blames everyone and everything else for making it hard. It is my fault, it is also my fault i love it, its my fault that ive polluted my min to thinking its good...my mind doesnt want to stop. But know its really uncomfortable because the problem will be seen and the people will see what my choice is. But that reason, though terrible it everyones eyes....for your kids...right no wont get me across the line....so i dont know what my chances are because really i wont face up to it yet. I still got more to lose, so thats what im fighting to save, when in reality its me making more excuses so i can keep doing what im doing. You know im sick of my words, my poor wife is sick of my words...ive told her no more texts or communication - somehow i think i will doing something about it if i stop telling her what i will or wont do and i suppose the same here really. i got to get outside, i got to think.....i got to do something...not talk about it .
Avatar universal
Hi...well your back that is a start...step one in N/A
I am powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable...from our reading it says...we live to use and use to live   we put drugs b/4 our familys wifes and kids....your not unique your a classic addict....truth be told you can quit  but it is going to take a lot more then a 2 week trip to tahetee....Look Dude your life is crumbling around you....this is a very self centered disease and your post screams it is all about me...ITS NOT!!!! your dragging your wife parents and kids threw a living hell....your destroying your body with this poison...  this only ends in jails institutions and death sooner or later the post mast general is going to ketch on that your mailing a controlled substance threw the mail...one day they will be waiting for you at you p/o box...they often wait to build a strong case by watching you a wile  each time is a separate felony and when they decide to bust you your looking at 5 to 7 years  this is your realty..  it is not if but rather when this will happen... I agree with the other posters you need to do something b/4 this gets any worst my first line would be a in pacent rehab until you get in start going to N/A meetings there only a hour long and you will see there just how bad off you really are   your knocking on deaths door time to quit wile you still can dude  nothing changes if nothing changes  Man up and do the right thing................Gnarly
4522800 tn?1470325834
WOW!!!
I agree with ALL the above.
I would like to chime in here too.
Contrary to some popular thought, people don't become addicted to drugs, alcohol, or other things just for the fun of it..There are usually Reasons why an addiction happens. And these same reason make an addiction difficult to stop. We can build up tolerance fast and/or we become afraid of w/ds.

Factors influence addiction.
Genetics
Trauma
Shame
Anxious depression
Social and so much more..It can go beyond Willpower alone.
Addiction is a Chronic, but treatable Brain Disorder. People who are addicted cannot control their need for alcohol or other drugs, even in the face of negative Health, Social or Legal consequences. The lack of control is the result of alcohol or drug-induced changes in the BRAIN!! Those changes, in turn, cause Behaviors Changes.
A person who takes a drug or any mind altering substance, will disrupt a well-balance system in the brain. It will activate the same brain circuits as do BEHAVIORS linked to Survival such as eating, bonding, sex and so fourth with a One Track Mind to find that Drug only.  These drugs cause a surge of dopamine, which results in feeling of Pleasure. The brain remembers that pleasure and wants it repeated. It is very COMPLEXED!!

SO..Do you think you can get this under control alone???

You kept repeating..Your Mind thinks this or that!! It is not a Real Brain but a Drug Brain thinking and feeling these things.

Plz consider and re-read all the above over & over. YOU need help! We can not do this alone..Recovery is not over in a week, month or Years. It is a on going thing, working with other Addicts to help us along the way!!
I am sure there are other Treatment Centers that will get you in. Stay at least 60 days or more. YOU might have to change Jobs, places and things around You.
Have your Family hits some of those meetings with YOU. Have them go to Al-anon meetings. Learn all that you can about Addiction in a more Scientific way. Stop beating yourself up. This is beyond Willpower alone. YOU need Help and your LIFE is worth it. What good is your Job, Family and other things going to be if YOU are gone, dead or sick to death. This is a Very Serious Disease! I will be Praying for YOU to find Help. Reach out and Touch someone..

Prayers for You & Family
Vickie
13565897 tn?1430515982
Hey, Bro not everyone here has made it ... My brother is died overdosed on meth and vodka and the way you type is the same he would speak . I CAN HANDLE IT, KNOW ONE KNOWS, IM NOT HURTING ANYONE, IT MAKES ME SOCIAL, I CAN WORK BETTER, BLAH BLAH BLAH. guess what he was wrong and so are you , your kids your wife, your friends,your family can see right through you and eventually you will lose it all so take this as a wake up call and get help before its to late.
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