So sad. You're high now I'm assuming. I hope you read this when you sober up. Get to a rehab...any reputable rehab asap.
Hello and welcome. There is always hope.
Huni you are making excuses for yourself to continue your drug use.
yes life is filled with stress. Using is not the answer.
You certainly are not thinking straight.
Everything that is going on now in your life is a consequence of your drug use. When you are honest with yourself then you can be honest with others.
There is always hope.
First, not everyone here could stop. The majority of people who come through here are never see again. There are also many of us that took a long, long time & a lot of work to get to where we are. It doesn't happen by simple will-power or a vacation somewhere warm. It's not just about getting the chemical out of your body & being magically cured of the urge. If you believe that a little time away is all it takes, you're doomed to failure & you don't understand the scope of the problem. It's about hard, hard work -- a change in how we understand & approach ourselves & just about everything else. This is what successful former users all have in common, whether they go to NA/AA or not. It's the same work. No one had it easy here. Others had stress. Others thought they couldn't do it. Some who listened & slowly made the adjustments were able to push through to the other side. To the light of day -- to sanity. You're not alone.
Your post is much like your others. When I say that your tone is defensive & conflicted & that underlying it all are your pervasive themes of frustration & powerlessness, I'm not saying that harshly. I'm saying it in recognition! It's a terrible place to be & I can promise you that you won't get yourself out of that quicksand until you do a few things:
1) Come out of denial for real: This doesn't just mean saying: 'Yeah, I'm an addict. I can't stop so just leave me alone. I'm not hurting anyone with my use. My job is very stressful & that's why I use'. (Forgive me for condensing & paraphrasing some of what you expressed).
If I remember, the last time you were here you'd hit your wife & had to go to court. It is only someone in active addiction & in deep denial who'd have a blind spot big enough to assert that their use was undetectable to all & that they'd never hurt anyone around them. It doesn't have to be physical violence to your wife & children. It can be depriving them of the real you. You will not be able to understand how profound this type of emotional theft is until you stop. The difference is huge & if your wife & kids ever knew you off drugs, they feel the difference when you're on (especially the kids). Even if they can't put their finger on it, the place that your addiction has brought you to: out of the house, in the court system, etc. has affected all of you.
2) Recognize the following:
You're in a place where you've kind of thrown up your arms & have forfeited the match. You feel that it's impossible to stop -- that circumstances & your environment have rendered you powerless. You're wearing your addiction as an identity. As in: 'I can't help it. I'm an addict. I'm not hurting anyone but myself. I need this to deal with life. Don't ask me to do things I'm obviously incapable of'. I was there myself for a long, long time & here's what I gradually came to realize: it's an excuse to keep using & to avoid doing the things we should be doing for ourselves & others. It's a form of fear & self-loathing.
This might be a good place to start. Ask yourself, is my use truly a result of my job? (Many folks have highly stressful jobs & don't use meth or opiates to 'cope'). If you had a job where you sat home & tested video games all day, do you Really believe that you'd never use again? (Dig deep!:) What we have to understand, is that it's in Us -- not around us -- no matter how bad things are in our environment. As long as you believe you're powerless & that circumstances & others are causing you to use, you will. As long as you believe you CAN'T kick, you won't. I think maybe you can't conceive of having to face life without drugs -- that it would be drab -- that you'd lose your bolt-hole/hiding place. I sense your ambivalence [at best] about stopping -- despite all the self-wrought pain & chaos you're going through. You resent that others are dragging you along this path -- the expectations, the pressure, the drug-testing, counseling, etc. You're afraid of failing them. You've heard this before but you Can't do this for others!! You Must do this for yourself, my friend.
Despite all this, you're back here. There's a part of you deep, deep down that knows the Truth & that wants this for You, first & foremost! This is hope, this is progress. Glad you're here & hope something clicks for you this time, my friend :)
You desperately need to get into an inpatient rehab. Your way of quitting doesn't work. You say so yourself. Many of the people on here were very much like you. They tried and tried to go it their way and then eventually surrendered and went to rehab.
I must say....it sounds as if your in a vicious drug enduced cycle that you can't break from. Wake up, use, work, use, go to bed, use, etc....Your caught! Make the decision to voluntarily commit yourself into at least a 90 program! Your not going to quit for your wife, your kids, your family! You can't stop at this point! It's not lack of love for these people...it's that your stuck!
If you really want to get better...get off this computer and get your *** into a detox center and then a LONG TERM inpatient treatment center IMMEDIATELY! Don't think...your family will live, work will live, parents will live.....they won't live much longer though with you like this! Your on your way to being put in jail from the sounds of it above....you want to detox there???? I think not....walk into a detox center now...
The problem is not with what you know. The problem is with the way you are knowing it.
Your goal is really quite simple: You want to cease taking meth. I advise you to go read Evolver's post at least two or three times. It contains the key to a new way of knowledge. You WILL stop taking meth at some point, that is certain. Either through your death, or by your embracing a new way of knowing yourself and your life. Those are the only two choices.
you know me very well. Thats exactly me through and through. I realise it and its like i am waiting for someone to say its okay to keep using or am just waiting to be saved, but everything is an excuse and everything is unfair and no one cares. Already my mind has decided its easier to be angry with my wife for not caring, my mind thinks she wants me to keep using and the other part of my mind is angry cause she thinks its as simple as do what they have asked me to do. I agree everything you say, except my kids, my life is gone and i guess thats what happens. So i feel angry about it, but i kind of understand it, but i thought the energy they are spending taking me to court and wanting tests and so on would be better spent doing something that will help me. Afterall i think im important to my kids future - but nothing. i think to say i want help no is helping and before ive finished typing that sentence i think i cant go through that and it not that big a problem. so yeah i am denying myself help, because i think i need to keep working, which i do, and that i can fix myself when the times right...but thats the time i just keep using it...theres never a time to stop, same as never should think just one time
2 years ago or more, i spent 4-6months weighing it up.When i found an easy way to get drugs, the temptation was something that i had removed myself from... At that point id been 8 years good, i knew wrong, i battled daily with myself not to do it. It was just a battle with myself. no i kept saying to myself, whats the point to it, im responsible now and so on and on...and eventually you know it was like it was, as if this will work, its not like it will actually arrive, and if it did one time would matter.....
I guess i dont want to face up to what i can easily admit to. I guess thats why i post. Theres a me that denies i need help and that i can fix it at some point. Theres a me who loves it and just wish the problem would go away and doesnt understand the problem or want to face the problem because he thinks he cant change and he thinks he doesnt want to change Theres the me who is a little bit scared about the reality of it. thats the me that comes here as though this is the answer right here, because the me here just keeps making excuses and blames everyone and everything else for making it hard. It is my fault, it is also my fault i love it, its my fault that ive polluted my min to thinking its good...my mind doesnt want to stop. But know its really uncomfortable because the problem will be seen and the people will see what my choice is. But that reason, though terrible it everyones eyes....for your kids...right no wont get me across the line....so i dont know what my chances are because really i wont face up to it yet. I still got more to lose, so thats what im fighting to save, when in reality its me making more excuses so i can keep doing what im doing. You know im sick of my words, my poor wife is sick of my words...ive told her no more texts or communication - somehow i think i will doing something about it if i stop telling her what i will or wont do and i suppose the same here really. i got to get outside, i got to think.....i got to do something...not talk about it .
Hi...well your back that is a start...step one in N/A
I am powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable...from our reading it says...we live to use and use to live we put drugs b/4 our familys wifes and kids....your not unique your a classic addict....truth be told you can quit but it is going to take a lot more then a 2 week trip to tahetee....Look Dude your life is crumbling around you....this is a very self centered disease and your post screams it is all about me...ITS NOT!!!! your dragging your wife parents and kids threw a living hell....your destroying your body with this poison... this only ends in jails institutions and death sooner or later the post mast general is going to ketch on that your mailing a controlled substance threw the mail...one day they will be waiting for you at you p/o box...they often wait to build a strong case by watching you a wile each time is a separate felony and when they decide to bust you your looking at 5 to 7 years this is your realty.. it is not if but rather when this will happen... I agree with the other posters you need to do something b/4 this gets any worst my first line would be a in pacent rehab until you get in start going to N/A meetings there only a hour long and you will see there just how bad off you really are your knocking on deaths door time to quit wile you still can dude nothing changes if nothing changes Man up and do the right thing................Gnarly
I agree with ALL the above.
I would like to chime in here too.
Contrary to some popular thought, people don't become addicted to drugs, alcohol, or other things just for the fun of it..There are usually Reasons why an addiction happens. And these same reason make an addiction difficult to stop. We can build up tolerance fast and/or we become afraid of w/ds.
Factors influence addiction.
Social and so much more..It can go beyond Willpower alone.
Addiction is a Chronic, but treatable Brain Disorder. People who are addicted cannot control their need for alcohol or other drugs, even in the face of negative Health, Social or Legal consequences. The lack of control is the result of alcohol or drug-induced changes in the BRAIN!! Those changes, in turn, cause Behaviors Changes.
A person who takes a drug or any mind altering substance, will disrupt a well-balance system in the brain. It will activate the same brain circuits as do BEHAVIORS linked to Survival such as eating, bonding, sex and so fourth with a One Track Mind to find that Drug only. These drugs cause a surge of dopamine, which results in feeling of Pleasure. The brain remembers that pleasure and wants it repeated. It is very COMPLEXED!!
SO..Do you think you can get this under control alone???
You kept repeating..Your Mind thinks this or that!! It is not a Real Brain but a Drug Brain thinking and feeling these things.
Plz consider and re-read all the above over & over. YOU need help! We can not do this alone..Recovery is not over in a week, month or Years. It is a on going thing, working with other Addicts to help us along the way!!
I am sure there are other Treatment Centers that will get you in. Stay at least 60 days or more. YOU might have to change Jobs, places and things around You.
Have your Family hits some of those meetings with YOU. Have them go to Al-anon meetings. Learn all that you can about Addiction in a more Scientific way. Stop beating yourself up. This is beyond Willpower alone. YOU need Help and your LIFE is worth it. What good is your Job, Family and other things going to be if YOU are gone, dead or sick to death. This is a Very Serious Disease! I will be Praying for YOU to find Help. Reach out and Touch someone..
Prayers for You & Family
Hey, Bro not everyone here has made it ... My brother is died overdosed on meth and vodka and the way you type is the same he would speak . I CAN HANDLE IT, KNOW ONE KNOWS, IM NOT HURTING ANYONE, IT MAKES ME SOCIAL, I CAN WORK BETTER, BLAH BLAH BLAH. guess what he was wrong and so are you , your kids your wife, your friends,your family can see right through you and eventually you will lose it all so take this as a wake up call and get help before its to late.